Struggling to conceive and ambivalent about children - please tell me others have been through this?

[twwindow]

Ok, I'm having a bit of a rough time. I've not found anyone IRL or searching articles online that seems to be able to relate to my story.

Anyway, I hope other people can share their experience on how they are handling with this because it's starting to make me sad. It ruined my NYE and I'm just...fed up.

So I started TTC over two years ago, I wasn't fully convinced but I felt like o was as ready as I'd ever be. Since then I've had two losses . My last one being 6 months ago.

We have been TTC and every time I get past the twwindow...nothing. I stupidly tested last night before going out and it ruined my evening to know it was negative.

It's draining me. It's taking forever. Its not something I can fully 'relax' about even though I keep telling myself too - but how can I when I have to stop things like alcohol and tww window is in the back of my head etc.

Now what makes my issue unique is that I am also ambivalent about the whole thing - so why do I get upset when I see negatives? Why am I trying to make something happen I'm not even fully sure about?

When I get a negative test I feel a mixture of sadness, anger but also relief that I can carry on as normal.

I'm getting down about relationships with friends as it's all a bit weird, they bring it up - I get annoyed and it's impacting on me wanting to interact with them.

I don't know why I feel this, but no one literally no one IRL understands or relates to my story so I'm hoping someone can?

I never thought I'd not only struggle to conceive but also have an added layer of complexity around ambivalence of parenting.

I understand how you feel.
Everyone around me had long started their families and I was happily ticking along, happily married and enjoying being free.
I hit mid 30's and suddenly decided it was now or never for children.
Ive never been maternal. Always kept a distance from babies so have zero experience, yet I felt it was the right thing to do.

DH and I discussed and we agreed to try but not try basically. If it happened then great, if not, then so be it.
2 years later nothing had happened. No losses but never the hint of a pregnancy.
At the 3 year mark I spoke to the GP who started tests and we were referred for fertility investigations.
I became obsessed tracking my cycle buying ovulation tests and taking my temperature every morning and plotting it all in an app.

I faced facts it wasnt going to happen. But on the day of our fertility appointment, I discovered I was pregnant.
I was terrified and was full of panic of what people would think, would i cope, was I fit to have a child.

Fast forward to November. 8.5months into pregnancy, which had been an awful journey of illness, I gave birth to a little girl.
She is 5 weeks old now.
She is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is just perfect and I have never felt feelings like it.
Something I never ever thought I would feel.
The first few weeks I spent crying, feeling like I couldnt cope and regretting my decision but realised sleep deprivation is a killer and with some rest ive felt better.

I guess from someone who was never bothered either way about having children as I didnt have that burning desire, it really is the best feeling to be a mum.
Its such a personal thing but I dont regret it at all. Even with how unwell ive been since conception, I wouldnt be without her.

In my experience friends who’ve struggled with parenthood are those who…
*thrive on external validation (great careers, wide social circles, high earners or otherwise enjoy performing/management type roles)
*revel in quiet, personal space, alone time
*need privacy or quiet to really concentrate

If any of those things are you, I’d think carefully about, as you’ve put it ‘quitting while ahead’.

I fucking love motherhood and probably present as very crunchy/attachment-parenty, but my kid is not my reason for living (and frankly, what the fuck kind of codependent burden to saddle a sentient but tiny human with), and I’ve plenty of childless and child free friends who are just as fulfilled (and probably get to poo in peace/spend more on fun stuff than we do).

Really hope you find some peace, whatever your path ends up looking like.

I felt like this too before having kids. I wasn’t maternal, I had no interest in babies and the lives of my friends with babies looked exhausting and undesirable. Yet I felt like a big piece of my life was missing, that I was in waiting to be a parent. Every scan photo on Facebook was like a kick in the teeth, a reminder of our inadequate bodies.

When the time came that we needed ICSI/IVF to conceive, I couldn’t go through with it immediately and delayed my first cycle by over a year. Eventually I had my eldest by ICSI and my twins were a natural conception.

I have very young children now and my life is immeasurably tougher than pre-kids. I have barely any me time. I can count on one hand the nights I’ve slept through in the last 5 years. But I love my children so much, and I absolutely would not turn back the clock if I could. Though I have some really hard days, being a parent was a big purpose of mine so I’m grateful to be experiencing it. I also know things will get easier as they get older, we just need to get over the baby/toddler stage.

The best way I can describe it is that when I had children, my centre shifted from me to them if that makes sense? I think it’s normal to have an existential crisis in your 30s and having children definitely cured that for me.

However, before having my successful ICSI cycle I had started thinking about what my life without children might look like and if that’s the path you choose that’s also fine too.

I think these feelings might be more common than you think, perhaps people just don’t like to talk about them? I felt quite ambivalent about having children right up until I had one. And I did IVF. We were lucky to qualify for NHS treatment but I don’t think I would have paid for private treatment if we didn’t, I just didn’t feel strongly enough about having a child. I was over 35 and after I spoke to my GP to say I was having difficulty conceiving I was quickly pointed towards IVF, and once I started it was easier to keep going. I got pregnant on the third attempt and was anxious during the pregnancy but now I can’t imagine life without my son. I’ve certainly never regretted having him and neither has my DH who was probably even more unsure than me at the outset.

I honestly think lots of people aren’t completely sure if they want to become parents but if they get pregnant easily they don’t really have an opportunity to dwell on it. Whereas if you have fertility problems you have way more time and opportunities to doubt and question if it’s something you really want.

OP I think it’s relatively common. I didn’t really want kids but DH and I agreed to see what happened if I came off contraception. The first month when my period came I felt really sad, which didn’t make sense as I didn’t even want a kid! Then the next month I fell pregnant and immediately felt really annoyed about the loss of freedom this would mean for me. Totally contradictory. I ended up being really happy from my first scan onwards, when it felt more real.

I think it’s natural to be ambivalent about something that will change your life so profoundly and you have no idea whether for better or worse until it’s done. It’s also natural to desperately want something simply because you can’t have it.

Can you just stop trying for 6 months and see how you feel. If I were you I’d explain to friends and family. I’d keep it simple and ask them to not ask you about it if that what you want.

I don’t think it’s unusual to feel ambivalent in your circumstances.

Two of adult kids definitely don’t want kids and I’m really happy for them. I think it’s great when you know you want kids and it’s just as good when you know you don’t. It’s when you aren’t sure that it’s problematic.

I was exactly the same, in fact I really didn't like kids much.
Then at 34 I had a couple of major life events that made me reassess whether I wanted to grow old without children and if my life really was as complete as I thought, I spent ages agonising over it and in the end decided that the fear of having children was less than the fear of not having them.

Telling my husband was hard as he'd married me thinking we would never have kids, luckily he loves kids and was happy to try.
It took 3 years and throughout that time I too was ambivalent, when my periods arrived I was never upset and would have never pursued ivf, I was content with what will be will be.

Eventually, after losing 50lbs in 3 months on a very low calorie diet I fell pregnant with my first daughter and throughout the pregnancy I was never excited and still rather worried in case I didn't love her however as soon as she was born and they put her on my chest I adored her.

Two years later I had dd2 and again I wasn't excited during pregnancy but loved her from the moment we met.

They're now 6 and 8 and I love every bit of them and really enjoy being a Mum.

I think the ambivalence is a bit of self protection, it's hard to imagine the love you have for a child until you have one and for me the lack of excitement protected me if anything did go wrong or if I didn't manage to get pregnant in the first place.

i am 41 and have never seen a period, and i mean never i never started at all.
i have severe pcos and have every symptom going

i was told at 17 i was infertile due to undeveloped Ovaries on one since then millions of small cysts on the other.
(ive even had 2 surgeries over the years to take out giant cysts) if i wanted children i had to adopt or surrogacy as it was less than 1% i can conceive naturally

i met my ex at nearly 19(he was 18) and because we were each others firsts for everything sexually and my infertility i/we never used contraception in all of the 21 years we were together(broke up sept 2020)
i had 2 pregnancies and 2 children now 17 and 11

first i caught for naturally in 2003 and the 2nd took the strongest strength clomid tablets for 4 years before i caught in 09

because i wasn't seeing any periods i couldn't take the tablets on day 1 i was just told to take on different days every month.

no idea how i "caught" as i wasnt seeing periods or ovulating

no 2 i was doing weekly ovulation tests and pregnancy tests, always negative

i found out at 4 weeks for no 1 and he was 18 days over. 2 and half weeks for no 2 and he was 8 days over
both were long pregnancies as i went massive quick

im a atheist but ive had many over the years said they were sent to me.

Sorry that you’re having a tough time.

The best advice I’ve seen is that unless you’re 100% sure you want children, don’t do it.

I have a 1 year old DD and although I love her and wouldn’t be without her, it’s incredibly tough, more than I expected. Maybe I was naive, maybe I’m the wrong person to have had kids, but it’s relentless. The guilt, the absence of sleep, and that’s the just the start of it.

We’ve got one one and it’s staying at one for that reason!

I was ambivalent about having children. I was very focused on my career and didn’t want to take a break. DP was desperate for a child so I agreed to TTC, even though I wasn’t sure. I found it mentally tough as it took a long time and I was disappointed each month, but still wasn’t sure I wanted a baby. It was weird. I then had a loss and was devastated. When I became pregnant I didn’t feel excited, I think I was terrified something would go wrong.

When DD was born, I struggled to bond and just wanted to get back to work. I often felt like I was just going through the motions. I did take the full year off work, by which time I’d been diagnosed with PND.

DD is 3 now and I honestly can’t imagine my life without her. I quickly dropped my hours to part time but was able to do so without it having a negative impact on my career. It’s been a great balance for me.

I often think back to when she was tiny and feel guilty about how unhappy I was. I almost resented her. I never look back and wish I hadn’t had her though. We aren’t having any more (due to health issues on my part and our ages). Sometimes I feel sad as I think if I had another I’d enjoy the baby stage more knowing I wouldn’t feel like forever.

Hi OP, here is a thread about a similar issue (I think it may be the one the @AliasGrape referred to earlier). Lots of interesting posts.

Oops forgot the link!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4394045-to-think-infertility-and-deciding-not-to-have-kids-are-both-painful-in-their-own-ways?pg=2

Hi OP, I don't think how you're feeling is unusual. I'm ambivalent about having kids, but am fairly certain I'm going to remain childfree. It doesn't stop me feeling sad about pregnancy announcements and constantly questioning my choice. For most people it's the biggest decision they'll make, so it makes sense I think.

I can identify with some of the posters on this thread. I was ambivalent about having children, but I went ahead with investigations so that I was clearer with where my life might go.

Doctors discovered that my chances of conceiving were miniscule, and the chances of having a successful pregnancy were even less, so I parked the idea of having children and got on with my life. I seized travel and work opportunities that might not have been available had I had children and enjoyed life to the full.

I agree with you @tinselvestsparklepants. I did not find my life empty and pointless without children, and anyone who thinks that needs to give their head a wobble and get out more and make life happen for themselves. There is much more to life than having children. I feel sorry for women who feel that their entire life’s ambition is to procreate.

In my experience friends who’ve struggled with parenthood are those who… thrive on external validation (great careers, wide social circles, high earners or otherwise enjoy performing/management type roles); revel in quiet, personal space, alone time; need privacy or quiet to really concentrate

@Verbena87 raises some very valid points. Then at 41 I got pregnant out of the blue and had DD. I don't think I was prepared for the rush of love I have for my daughter.

After over 20 years of being a child free adult I found being a parent really hard. At first I resented the loss of spontaneity in my life and lack of sleep and felt like a prisoner at the constant beck and call of a tiny baby. Things eventually got better, and DD is now in her third year at university. I don’t love parenthood any more than any other part of my life. It is just that – part of my life. My life isn’t better than before being a parent, just different. I am still not maternal and am baffled by women who want loads of children.

With kindness and respect OP, if you don't know if you what kids, why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this emotional rollercoaster?

I agree. I think sometimes the availability of modern testing methods can just add to the stress.

Basically, if you aren’t sure that you want children I would give it a miss.

[quote twwindow]@coochyboochy honestly, I have massive FOMO. This is something people say changes their life for the best so it's something I don't want to miss out on. People often say they love for their kids - so without kids isn't life a bit pointless if they hat people say is true? [/quote]
OP, with respect, this is a bit mad — would you really make a major, irreversible decision that involves bringing another human into the world and permanently altering your own life because ‘other people’ say life is pointless otherwise?

I agree with a pp that you need to look hard at yourself — would your life be less fulfilled without children?

'With kindness and respect OP, if you don't know if you what kids, why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this emotional rollercoaster?'

This is a very important question. OP, I absolutely relate to your ambivalence. As you can see, lots of us do. I've always known deep down that the relentlessness of parenthood was not for me, but that didn't stop me going through periods of feeling desperate for a baby, or feeling deep jealousy at pregnant women for many years. I lost a good friendship in part because I just didn't cope very well with her becoming a mum.

I'm 42 now and definitely won't be having children. This is both a relief, and something I have had to grieve very deeply. I'm grateful on a weekly basis that I don't have children, but it's not an uncomplicated feeling. I still couldn't cope with going to a baby shower, and I avoid all conversations at work about people's kids. So it's a highly personal and painful issue for lots of us. I would try to lean in to those feelings of relief that you describe. They are telling you something very important and you need to listen to them. Good luck, and do keep posting

@twwindow

Hi OP. Not quite the same situation for me, but I can relate a bit. I very much never wanted children, but as all of my friends started to fall pregnant I did start to think that maybe I did want/should have children. I never would have done it alone, but then I met my DH late-ish in life (me 35, he 39). He did want children and so after a few years we decided that we would stop using contraception and just see what happened. I didn't fall pregnant naturally and then at age 40 I was diagnosed first with PCOS and then with cervical cancer, and the treatments for that (hysterectomy and pelvic chemo-radio) ended any possibility that I could ever have children.

I have very mixed feelings about the childlessness aspect... disappointment and anger that the choice was taken from me, upset that I couldn't give my DH the child he wanted... but overwhelmingly I am relieved that the whole subject is now "off the table" and we can just get on with our lives. DH also now says he is relieved that we didn't have a child.

It is such a complex thing and I think it's probably quite normal to have mixed feelings about it all.

Thank you all for sharing your stories

Someone mentioned many more people than I realise are ambivalent - this helps me feel some comfort as I've expressed it to friends and family and they almost make me feel bad about it, or weird. So that's why I've always felt alone.

Another point someone mentioned earlier too about where you find validation worries me. I am very career focused and have a successful one, one that takes up a lot of time - which would obviously be impacted by a child. But I also think, is a successful career something that you're always going to get enjoyment from, and that's my worry.

Money and careers aren't everything - I guess in the same way parenting isn't necessarily either.

I feel exactly the same OP!
(PMK to write more later…)

I just wanted to share that I have never really wanted kids, yet when I had a pregnancy scare once when the test gave a false positive, (but I actually wasn't pregnant) I was so ecstatically happy. Bizarre. I didn't even know I wanted kids?!

And then when I discovered I wasn't pregnant, that was OK and I went back to happily being childfree. None of that made sense to me on an emotional level.

I think ambivalence about the whole experience is more common than we know. It's often not talked about.

'Money and careers aren't everything - I guess in the same way parenting isn't necessarily either.'

I'm not sure there's any one thing in life that is 'everything' if you know what I mean - the be all and end all, the answer to all your problems etc. I think it's a better idea to find peace and joy from a range of different things, and relationships, in life

OP, all you can do is make what feels like the best decision with what you know now. There is no way to guarantee no regrets in future. The same is true for parents

OP - just wanted to say that I had a bad time on Clomid too. It made me feel suicidal. I remember phoning up the GP’s surgery in floods of tears not really knowing why I’d phoned them. Clomid is known for this, it’s known as the Clomid crazies. And it didn’t work for me either.

As for life being pointless without kids - yes people say this but it’s not some great universal objective truth. Plenty of people regret having children.

@twwindow

Thank you all for sharing your stories

Someone mentioned many more people than I realise are ambivalent - this helps me feel some comfort as I've expressed it to friends and family and they almost make me feel bad about it, or weird. So that's why I've always felt alone.

Another point someone mentioned earlier too about where you find validation worries me. I am very career focused and have a successful one, one that takes up a lot of time - which would obviously be impacted by a child. But I also think, is a successful career something that you're always going to get enjoyment from, and that's my worry.

Money and careers aren't everything - I guess in the same way parenting isn't necessarily either.

Absolutely a lot of people are ambivalent, and move towards having or not having children from that ambivalence with varying degrees of certainty. I had a child after a period of ambivalence which followed the best part of two decades of being happily childfree, but I can easily see how I could have made the other decision.

I think the key thing is to try — I realise it’s hard, when the social norm still feels like having children — to stop looking sideways and really focus on yourself, your feelings and the different elements that are swirling around in your ambivalence. Don’t put yourself through this rollercoaster without reflecting further on whether you really want to try to conceive. It may not be a straightforward decision — how could it be, when it’s a life-altering one that can’t be rehearsed for, practiced for or second-guessed in advance? — but it’s worth taking some time over it.

For what it’s worth, I don’t see ambivalence in itself as any hard and fast indication you wouldn’t be suited to parenthood (because that gets said a lot on here — ‘if you’re ambivalent, don’t’), but it should have attention paid to it.

Regarding career stuff, it does depend quite a bit on your partner. We are both part time and work our days round each other, so do equal parenting and working-for-money, and it’s made it loads easier for us both - the mental load of parenting/housekeeping is evenly split, we both get to maintain our professional identities as well, and our son sees that it’s normal for both parents to parent, and both parents to earn, which I like.

That said, we are in jobs where we’re able to do this, and we choose to have a lower income and more time, so again it’s all really personal.

Ambivalence is normal, there are lots of us who didn't just 'know' we wanted kids. And made rational (head, not heart) type decisions relating to children. I erred towards 'yes' - ultimately I felt I wanted to lie on my death bed having experienced motherhood, despite already having a very fulfilled life. I don't agree with the advice 'don't have kids unless you are 100% sure', I think that is unrealistic. Knowing that you are up for the challenge of parenthood and trusting yourself to be a good, caring parent is enough.