No more staying at my ex house

[Nomoresleepovers]

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

@escapingthecity

It's not fair to your child or to their father to keep BF. It makes it impossible for your ex to parent properly on his own if you're there, and makes it harder for the kid to settle away from you. You need to be realistic about what it means to be separated parents: your kid needs to be able to settle happily at two homes.

Nonsense. I’ve posted already that I breastfed until 4 years 9 months. You can think whatever you want about that - I don’t mind. But I can absolutely and categorically tell you that it did not affect my daughter’s ability to settle with her father when I wasn’t there because of work, or later because of divorce.

@Beachbabe1 It seems that the Op was worried that her ex would use the thread against her (maybe has done it in the past?) But has dyslexia and completely confused herself and us 😂

Anyway the kids actually a girl.

Cold turkey? This is a 4 year old! Breast milk is not an addictive drug!

And yet here we have a violent 4.5 year old attempting to attack the cat, trashing her bedroom, violently grabbing for her mother’s breasts, forcing the mother to sleep in skintight clothing to prevent her from pulling her breasts out as soon as her mother’s asleep, and having extreme tantrums. Nothing about this sounds normal.

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

4) for goodness sake say He/Him etc, "they" is just weird.

Very strange!

@Ileflottante

I’m sure it’s normal to some, but a 4.5 year old ‘violently’ hauling at his mother’s clothes and demanding to breastfeed is very disturbing to me.

Yes I find this unsettling!

Cold turkey? This is a 4 year old! Breast milk is not an addictive drug!

The kid’s reaction to not getting her mum’s milk on demand is quite extreme though you must admit!

Bf until you're happy to stop. Ignore anyone who says you'll create a clingy kid. Mine were bf'd for years and are now teens and v independent.
The issue is not the bf, but the controlling nature of your ex.

4-5 years old was the absolute worst ages for my son's massive tantrums lots of big emotions, I almost wanted to go back to the baby years.

I think you just need to stay strong and do your best. If you come back OP take the thread with a pinch of salt AIBU can have some pretty strong opinions.

It sounds like you have poor boundaries with your son. He's old enough not to be violently pulling at you for a feed at night.

I'd be majorly annoyed if I were your exh. You're making a problem for him, which makes a problem for your son.

It's time to wean and teach your child some manners too. Violence is never ok, even if you breastfeed still.

@christmascharade the child actually tantrums to a lesser extent at the fathers and the mother only still BFs for an easy life. It's not a red herring here. It's a different situation to what yours was.
It's not bad parenting on his part.

@Nomoresleepovers

It doesn't help that our room shares a wall with next doors bedroom so I worry about how extreme their tantrums are which get worse the more tired they are, they scream, cry shout, kick punch slam doors , hurt the cats destroy the room, try to leave the flat, try to move my clothes while I'm sleeping. From the sound of what his father said the sleepover wasn't as bad

‘Hurt the cats’ etc this isn’t normal behaviour, you need to get some advice/support to deal with this.

Surely the child's behaviour: frequent aggressive tantrums, violence towards animals and being excessively clingy shows that breastfeeding to school age is not working for you, however society feels about it.

A very good point from PP about the clawing and grabbing at your clothing, that is hugely inappropriate once the child is 4.5!

@PinkSyCo

So you expect your ex to make your DC go turkey when she’s at his, but won’t deal with it yourself when she’s with you in more familiar surroundings. Doesn’t seem right or fair to me.

This

If you are trying to wean, it's much easier for a child of that age to fall asleep with someone else so they know that breastfeeding isn't available to them. Much easier for your ex to do it than for you. When I weaned from breastfeeding to sleep my partner stepped in and started putting our child to sleep for a while.

You breastfeeding at home really shouldn't have any impact on your ex's ability to get the child to sleep at his house. At 4 he will understand that mum isn't there to comfort him.

@Nomoresleepovers

I don't think my son is ready to completely stop they get almost violent pulling at me or waiting for me to go to sleep then tugging at my top to breastfeed, I do think establishing that their dad does not breastfeed is better and when they stay there I'm not there.

I think my ex doesn't want the trouble and just wants our son without the hard bits of being upset and yes no one wants their child to be upset but that is a part of life.

I'm sorry OP, I do try to support OPs on here, but I am having a problem at the moment understanding your problem.

However before I go any further with that I feel I should let you know where I am coming from; I breast fed (well comfort fed, if she was ever hurt, felt unwell, and at night before going to sleep) one of my children until the night before her 4th birthday. I had been telling her for a while that we would be stopping when she was 4, as she no longer needed the milk for nourishment, and it was only babies and toddlers who needed breast milk. So Iexplained again the night before her birthday that it was the last night for both of us, she understood, and had a lovely birthday, but come that evening she said to me that she wished it wasn't her birthday! I felt awful, and nearly gave in, but I don't know if I could have gone through it again, so I had to stick to my guns. She is an adult now and embarrassed that she breast fed for so long when she was little 😒

What seems particularly strange about your post above is that you say in your second paragraph that
"I think my ex doesn't want the trouble and just wants our son without the hard bits of being upset and yes no one wants their child to be upset but that is a part of life"
Where in your first paragraph you said that
"I don't think my son is ready to completely stop .........."
Your son is 4½? You don't think he is ready to stop, but you think that he should stop while he is with his Dad, and yet you think it is his Dad who doesn't want the trouble, and doesn't want the hard bits of him being upset? But isn't that exactly what you are trying to do OP, you have shown quite clearly that you hope that with your son not being able to breastfeed at his Dad's, his Dad gets the tears, and it will therefore be much easier for you to withdraw that comfort at home, whilst probably telling your son that his Dad wants him to stop breastfeeding as it is causing his Dad problems.

Again apologies OP, but this one is on you, you need to explain the real reasons to your DS about why you want/need him to stop. Please don't be disingenuous here, you quite rightly wanted to breastfeed your child, you understandably didn't know when would be the best time for you to stop feeding him yourself, and again, understandably, didn't want to upset him about it. But you are the one he gets that comfort from, you are presumably the one he trusts the most in his life, you need to be the one who is there for him when this massive connection is in his eyes broken. You need to be the one to show him that your connection isn't broken, that there is no-one in the world that is more loved by you amor more important to you (these doesn't leave out any siblings now or in the future). Let his Dad be who he is, let him love his Dad as much as his Dad let's him. The best and most loving thing you can do for your DS is let him be loved by as many people as is possible and safe. I am sure that that is what you really want for your Ds.

@MerryChristmas21

He Him His

Correct pronouns still exist.

He can BF when he's with you & not when he's with his Dad. It's not complicated and at his age, should understand that. It's up to his Dad to find a routine that works for them.

Amen. Seriously, write so that people can understand. You have said your 'son'. So he is a boy. Use he when you are talking about him because otherwise it gives the impression that there is more than one person, as the person's sex has already been stated.

@Nomoresleepovers

It doesn't help that our room shares a wall with next doors bedroom so I worry about how extreme their tantrums are which get worse the more tired they are, they scream, cry shout, kick punch slam doors , hurt the cats destroy the room, try to leave the flat, try to move my clothes while I'm sleeping. From the sound of what his father said the sleepover wasn't as bad

You've got a lot more issues than the breastfeeding!

Your child hurts the cat? What the hell does he do?

@Nomoresleepovers

We've all spoken to him including my mum about how they don't need to breastfeed etc they just go on about how they love it and how they are a baby etc it very frustrating. I've worked this last year to cut it down to. Just before bed for twenty ISH minutes

So you want to stop, but your child is demanding you don't? And you're allowing this to continue?

Yabu to still bf to sleep when you know that your son is regularly sleeping elsewhere. However, I do think the child's father should have him by himself, without you there.

Is tge ex being called pathetic for not managing a 4.5yr old who co sleeps and breasts feeds before bed. Are people really like this? I breast fed and I know I would not just hand over my child during that period.

I think the op is being disengiuos to think the ex should just put up with it when they are not there.

@Nomoresleepovers

I don't think my son is ready to completely stop they get almost violent pulling at me or waiting for me to go to sleep then tugging at my top to breastfeed, I do think establishing that their dad does not breastfeed is better and when they stay there I'm not there.

I think my ex doesn't want the trouble and just wants our son without the hard bits of being upset and yes no one wants their child to be upset but that is a part of life.

Tugging at you to breastfeed while you're asleep at age 4 1/2 sounds really bad. Actually makes me feel a bit sick tbh and I'm pro breastfeeding. They need to know it is your body and they don't get to use it in that way.

Are people not seeing that the child is having massive meltdowns when not breastfeeding? The child is the one being upset. She should have a relationship with her father and OP should be working to facilitate this is a good experience.

All those saying well the father will have to deal
with it, are forgetting the child is upset, this child does not like the word no.

If your child was starting school, but prior to that always had a lunchtime breast feed, which they demanded, would you not work towards stopping that prior to school starting so that your child wasn't distraught at lunchtime?

OP is facilitating the child's demands and actually not caring and knows it's causing anguish for the child.

It seems to me that OP does actually want to stop, but the severity of the tantrums is putting her off this.

OP, start parenting and stop giving into tantrums.

I just don't think withdrawing completely cold turkey from my end will work and our child doesn't seem to understand

Are you completely sure there’s no additional needs? Especially given the tantrums and hurting of animals?

Does he have an anxious attachment with you?

I breastfed two of mine until nearly 3 years and it was the last feed that was the last to go. Over that time I had some nights where I was working or away and they absolutely understood that there would be no milk. No tantrums and no abuse of animals occurred.

I would work with your DD that there are other ways to comfort her "like a baby" (she says she is still a baby meaning she still wants reassuring/nurturing as a baby) - that could be close up snuggling, stroking her cheek etc.

Ask DD what can you do instead of breastfeeding because Daddy can't do that so you need to find something else.

Glad your ex is your ex, he sounds very selfish, lazy and a bully.

Sounds like you both need to learn how to parent without relying on breastfeeding a primary school age child.