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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this doesn’t count as a “hard life”

64 replies

HNY2022 · 01/01/2022 14:16

A comment my parents in law keep saying really annoys me so just wondering if I’m being unreasonable.

Both SIL and I were seriously ill when we were younger, years before we even crossed paths, and I was younger than SIL when I was unwell. We both had the necessary treatments which were very tough, both developed complications that nearly cost us our lives, and have both been in remission for many years.

SIL is now having marriage difficulties and my parents in law keep saying how sad it is, because she’s had such a hard life and she doesn’t deserve it. They then say to me “oh you too HNY, you’ve also had such a hard life”.

AIBU to find that very insulating and offensive? I have had a very privileged life, with my parents, education, career, etc and so to suggest I’ve hard a hard life because I was seriously unwell for a year is a slap in the face for those who have had real hard lives (ie those who struggle to get food on the table, DV, etc).

And that the same applies to SIL. As far as I’m aware, she’s just as privileged as me and her ill health was the only difficult thing she’s dealt with.

I’m probably being sensitive because after two weeks of staying at in laws, things they say are starting to generally annoy me but grateful for thoughts!

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/01/2022 14:25

YANBU but it’s their daughter and they are understandably concerned about her.
When your child is in pain/unhappy it’s hard for a parent..

Liz1tummypain · 01/01/2022 14:27

I wouldn't take it to heart. Sounds like something my in-laws might do, ( on another subject, not the hard life bit). I mean it would probably get to me because it seems patronising but I think they're just expressing some sympathy for their daughter with her marriage problem and they're looking at the whole of her life. You say yourself she did have a serious childhood illness and even if she was a bit older than you at the start it has no doubt left some emotional scars. I'd try to see it as your in-laws just not wanting you to feel they're overlooking what you went through. They seem to mean well.

whatisheupto · 01/01/2022 14:34

I understand it must be annoying, but personally I find the opposite more annoying. Always having your difficulties and struggles brushed under the carpet and downplayed. Not being allowed to talk about it etc. Chin up, carry on, don't dwell on it, having quite horrid things minimised. So personally I think they sound lovely and caring!!

DrSbaitso · 01/01/2022 14:40

They're trying to be sensitive to you and acknowledge your past troubles. They're trying to make it clear that your SIL's difficulties don't mean they've forgotten about what you went through.

They don't mean your life is shit and unenviable. They mean that they respect the fact you had hardships in the past.

TokyoTen · 01/01/2022 14:42

I get its annoying but in isolation I really don't think it's a big deal.

Oldtiredfedup · 01/01/2022 14:42

I’d rather that than the typical brushing under the carpet Ivd had my whole life (toxic mother, spineless father, black sheep of thd family, domestic abuse and all the joy that goes with that)

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 01/01/2022 14:43

I think they're using a slightly ill fitting phrase they've got into the habit of applying to their DD. She had a rocky start (if she was a baby/ small child when she was ill) or whatever but not a hard life, if the illness had no ongoing consequences for her.

If she was a very small child utterly trusting in her parents and unaware of what was really going on it's actually the parents whose life was hard (though if she was a pre teen or teen it will have been harder for her socially and psychologically than perhaps for you if you were younger when ill).

I suspect anyway that her parents are projecting their sense of having survived massive hurdles to get her through, and their illogical but oddly common feeling that there should be some kind of fair balance of struggling and having it easy in each human life. As parents they are of course not objective and their child having suffered and survived may be a bigger deal to them than even to her, depending on how young she was/ how aware she was/ how much she remembers.

A lot of parents put their children in boxes too - the sensible one who they don't need to worry about and the fragile one who they cosset are the absolute classic boxes, which often stem from one very brief phase of childhood or adolescence and are quite damaging in myriad ways to sibling and parent-offspring relationships and more extensively to the adult typecast as fragile if they aren't moved on from, but its incredibly common for those roles to linger lifelong.

Viviennemary · 01/01/2022 14:44

Yabu. If you suffered a serious illness then you have not had it easy. IMHO.

CharlotteRose90 · 01/01/2022 14:47

Sorry but as someone who’s had similar circumstances I think the words they use are correct. I would count it as a hard life. I was seriously ill myself for 2 years and nearly didn’t make it so yes I count it as a hard life. If you don’t that’s perfectly fine but most would.

Vapeyvapevape · 01/01/2022 14:49

They are acknowledging that you have had a difficult time albeit in the past , I think they mean well and are trying to show that they understand you (once) had a bit of a rough ride.

It’s a shame that it’s so difficult these days to say anything without it being taken the wrong way .

Velvetbee · 01/01/2022 14:49

Why would you spend two weeks with your in-laws? Or anyone in fact?!
Possibly misses point.

Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2022 14:49

I imagine your PiL found the prospect of losing their child very, very hard and thankfully, whilst it didn't happen, look back on that time as a very dark and difficult period. So possibly they transfer the emotions they experienced onto their daughter and, by extension, yourself.

You've spoken about how YOU feel about your past illness. But what about how your SiL views her experiences - do you know?

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2022 14:50

Actually my mother does this over my daughter and her kidney issue literally all that happened was quite a few scans and some monitoring yes she might have needed surgery yes there was uncertainty but no she didn't have a rough upbringing because she was sick all the time but when she went to university my mom acted like I was abandoning her because it was so far-away! Honestly she has done OK not made half the mistakes that her peers did (spending all there food budget then begged for cash of the parents within a month etc etc)

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 01/01/2022 14:50

I would consider it hard. They've seen their daughter go through so much suffering, they will feel sad that they aren't seeing all that suffering resulting in alot of joy now.

Magnited · 01/01/2022 14:50

YANBU.

Shit happens. You both got good treatment. Probably free? You survived when others did not. You went to school. Had food on the table. Clothes. A warm house. That's not a hard life. A hard life is being constantly unable to break out of poverty in so many way: food, fuel, housing, clothing and health. A hard life is when you have the will and commitment to change but be denied the tools to make it happen.

DeadGood · 01/01/2022 14:58

@DrSbaitso

They're trying to be sensitive to you and acknowledge your past troubles. They're trying to make it clear that your SIL's difficulties don't mean they've forgotten about what you went through.

They don't mean your life is shit and unenviable. They mean that they respect the fact you had hardships in the past.

Agree with this. Time to head home OP!

greenlynx · 01/01/2022 15:08

So the big chunk of her life was affected by a serious illness, maybe there were a lot of missed opportunities along the way, now she’s got marriage trouble. How old is she? Has she got a chance to enjoy her life at all?
And they are her parents so of course they want her to be happy. I’m sure that they accept that minor problems are the part of the life but her problems sound above average.

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 01/01/2022 15:17

A bit ironic you’re acting so hard done by right now.

You don’t know if your SIL has an easy or hard life. She might struggle mentally more than you with her various problems. YABU to speak about how easy or hard someone else’s life is. You don’t know.

RitaFires · 01/01/2022 15:34

I think serious illness in childhood does make a hard life. Having questions of mortality on your mind when all your friends are out playing can change your whole world view. One of my siblings was seriously ill as a 6 year old and had a surgery with a 50/50 chance of survival, they were lucky and survived but it was incredibly stressful for us all to witness let alone for them going through it. We are all still a little bit traumatised by the experience, your SIL and her parents may well still be too.

It's completely understandable to not want to be defined by your illness but your inlaws are trying to be kind and compassionate when they say that about you and they may well be telling the truth regarding SILs ability to cope with stress being affected by her experience of being so unwell when she was younger.

CityMumma78 · 01/01/2022 15:41

YABU - that is their daughter!!! They would have spent sleepless nights worrying about her health when she was younger and would have been there through the entire process from consultation appointments, procedures, recovery and follow ups! Not to mention the anxiety in between waiting for results. Anyone who has had to go through this with a loved one would have empathy and considering you went through something similar you seem devoid of emotional understanding!!!
Having a hard life isn’t just about the financial and material!!

RobotValkyrie · 01/01/2022 15:55

Sounds like having had a hard life has seriously affected your empathy, OP.
Good new year resolution might be to show a bit of compassion (including self-compassion)

EmpressCixi · 01/01/2022 15:59

There are many kinds of hard. And for everyone who has had hardship, there is always someone who has had more hardships. I think you are thinking that because it wasn’t the worst it could have been, it wasn’t hard at all. I don’t really agree with that.

Exasperatedhousehunter · 01/01/2022 16:02

If you were young when you were ill, maybe you didn’t fully appreciate the seriousness. It sounds a bit flippant to say ‘yeah, I nearly died but I’m so privileged, there are people who have suffered DV’. Why is DV an automatic hard life when serious illness is not? I’d have thought that having a child nearly die due to illness is incredibly stressful for a parent.

And how do you know that it doesn’t affect her now? I know people who have developed PTSD after cancer treatment for instance, even if they are in remission now. It sounds like you are massively downplaying what was an incredibly difficult event. That’s your choice to do so but I can absolutely see why they think she has had it tough.

GiveYourHeadAWobble · 01/01/2022 16:02

Ouch. That was quite unpleasant to read.
I think YABU. Illness is very difficult. It’s difficult for the person going through it and it’s difficult for the parents. I had a life-threatening long-term health problem in childhood and it affected my parents and myself for a really long time.
Re having food on the table etc is basically like saying anyone who has money cannot find any aspect of their lives difficult.

SpellBounds · 01/01/2022 16:04

YABU what an odd thing to get worked up about. You sound like a huge martyr about it all too.

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