Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think this doesn’t count as a “hard life”

64 replies

HNY2022 · 01/01/2022 14:16

A comment my parents in law keep saying really annoys me so just wondering if I’m being unreasonable.

Both SIL and I were seriously ill when we were younger, years before we even crossed paths, and I was younger than SIL when I was unwell. We both had the necessary treatments which were very tough, both developed complications that nearly cost us our lives, and have both been in remission for many years.

SIL is now having marriage difficulties and my parents in law keep saying how sad it is, because she’s had such a hard life and she doesn’t deserve it. They then say to me “oh you too HNY, you’ve also had such a hard life”.

AIBU to find that very insulating and offensive? I have had a very privileged life, with my parents, education, career, etc and so to suggest I’ve hard a hard life because I was seriously unwell for a year is a slap in the face for those who have had real hard lives (ie those who struggle to get food on the table, DV, etc).

And that the same applies to SIL. As far as I’m aware, she’s just as privileged as me and her ill health was the only difficult thing she’s dealt with.

I’m probably being sensitive because after two weeks of staying at in laws, things they say are starting to generally annoy me but grateful for thoughts!

OP posts:

Magicalmattressesinthesnow · 01/01/2022 16:05

I don't think they mean it in a bad way. You don't agree as that is testimony to your resilience. Personally I think you have had it hard as your health is your wealth OP . Children shouldn't get sick.💐

catfunk · 01/01/2022 16:10

It's not a competition. Childhood illness can cause lasting trauma for families. It's great that you're over it but they might not be

Cofifeefee · 01/01/2022 16:11

Honestly, some in-laws really can't win. They are caring about their family!

You weren't around when their daughter was sick, you don't know what it was like for them and just because you think your illness isn't something to dwell on doesn't mean everyone is able to deal with things as well as you can.

Sirzy · 01/01/2022 16:12

@catfunk

It's not a competition. Childhood illness can cause lasting trauma for families. It's great that you're over it but they might not be

This!

ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow · 01/01/2022 16:13

@RobotValkyrie

Sounds like having had a hard life has seriously affected your empathy, OP. Good new year resolution might be to show a bit of compassion (including self-compassion)

This.

Original poster

HNY2022 · 01/01/2022 16:14

Just to clarify, this wasn’t childhood illness. I was late teens and SIL was late 20s. We’re talking about 20 to 25 years ago, hence why I refer to it as being younger.

But I see I’m being unreasonable.

It's completely understandable to not want to be defined by your illness

I think this hits the nail on the head. Every single time I visit my in laws they always bring up me being unwell, how much I suffered, etc. When I have annual check ups, they go on and on and on about it when I’ve told them repeatedly I don’t want to talk about it. I think I feel that it’s in the past, my life has moved on, it’s not part of who I am anymore, hence why I don’t like it always coming up.

But reading the replies has made me realise my reaction is skewered by how I have dealt with it and how I feel about it. I am not devoid of emotion and empathy as some of you have very kindly claimed, I just view it differently and that colours my vision.

Thank you for the comments and helping me to see things differently.

OP posts:

ShaneTheThird · 01/01/2022 16:19

Yabu suffering a long illness especially in childhood is hard. Just because you don't feel that way about yourself doesn't mean you get to decide who can have the term hard life bestowed on them. Your sil does sound like she had a hard life it doesn't take away anything from you or your achievements or how charmed your own life is.

ShaneTheThird · 01/01/2022 16:20

Cross post re childhood

LostForIdeas · 01/01/2022 16:39

I just view it differently and that colours my vision.

I was coming to say exactely that @HNY2022
When it comes to health, even with the exact same illness, people will deal with it differently.
There is nothing right, nothing wrong. Just a different path.

Original poster

HNY2022 · 01/01/2022 17:04

@LostForIdeas

I just view it differently and that colours my vision.

I was coming to say exactely that @HNY2022
When it comes to health, even with the exact same illness, people will deal with it differently.
There is nothing right, nothing wrong. Just a different path.

Thank you. I’m really not as heartless as people think I am.

Two weeks with the in laws and my illness being brought up a lot has simply been too much, so I was having a thoughtless moment.

And it’s two weeks because we live in different countries.

OP posts:

Newyearoldyou · 01/01/2022 17:13

Unless other issues I think they are simply trying to be kind and treat you both the same.

You could kindly point out that it's all a state of mind but you don't see it that way.

Lolamento · 01/01/2022 17:15

@SpellBounds

YABU what an odd thing to get worked up about. You sound like a huge martyr about it all too.

This

Original poster

HNY2022 · 01/01/2022 17:15

@Newyearoldyou

Unless other issues I think they are simply trying to be kind and treat you both the same.

You could kindly point out that it's all a state of mind but you don't see it that way.

You’re right, that is exactly what they’re trying to do. I’m being unnecessarily harsh!

OP posts:

weebarra · 01/01/2022 17:25

It's a difficult one. I had stage 3 cancer in my 30's and while I'm not (mentally) massively affected by it, to some extent it does define how I see myself and how others, who knew me when I was ill, see me too.
I consider myself to have had somewhat a tough time (child illness, 2DCs with ASN, suicide of a close relative, but I also have material comfort, great friends and family and a job I like. It's all in your point of view.

Rubyupbeat · 01/01/2022 17:31

They see her illness in a different perspective, as a parent. To see a child suffer and nearly die must be traumatic. So maybe your silly doesn't feel shes had a hard life, but her parents do.

Bluebluemoon · 01/01/2022 17:34

My dm does this kind of thing a lot - it's like a reverse competitive misery or something, like "who's had the hardest life?"
But I realise she doesn't mean it in a horrible way or with the intention to hurt. It's just that we are very different people - I am a very forward-looking, positive kind of person who doesn't like to dwell on unpleasant things, whereas she seems to like talking about health issues/past bad experiences etc - I think she just doesn't have much to talk about as her life experience is very limited so she brings up things from the past a lot. Or something! It's hard to explain really but I do understand how annoying it is to be around people who you feel "drag you down" when you like to remain in a positive place. It can feel insulting or like they are trying to put you down and put you in your place by reminding you of bad things that happened in the past that you'd rather not be reminded of.

MadMadMadamMim · 01/01/2022 17:39

I think you're massively over sensitive, personally. I could understand you being offended if they said in an offhand fashion, Oh you've had it really easy all your days with your wealthy parents and your privileged life.

Not the other way round.

Nowayoutonlydown · 01/01/2022 17:42

I wouldn't take it to heart to be honest, I think its lovely that they're considering what you have been through in your life.

I say this from a polar opposite situation (v hard start in life which means I'll never live without the ramifications of it and my marriage is the causation of a lot of ongoing problems) and PILs truly believe I've landed the lottery with their son.

Just try to enjoy that their hearts appear to be in the right place

Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2022 17:54

If they go on about it relentlessly, I can understand it becoming very wearing very quickly.

I suffered severe injuries as a youngster and was left with a mild disability, but it IS mild and it would probably get on my tits if relatives produced the violins whenever I came for a visit.

Not sure how to handle it though if you've told them you don't want to talk about it and they're still in full on Oliver Twist mode.

Are they not very resilient more generally?

NaughtyNata · 01/01/2022 18:13

I can understand it being annoying if they go on relentlessly but I do agree with previous posters that at least they acknowledge it- and as you say your views are affected by your experiences, theirs are affected by their daughter's, and their own worries about her.

This isn't aimed at you OP as it's not what you've alluded to in your thread at all but I do hate the misery Olympics so often seen on MN. Everyone deals with a myriad of shitty circumstances in different ways and what may be manageable for one person isn't the same for another. I don't feel that I've had a 'hard life' as such but I feel like being abused by my ex, with the pandemic happening almost immediately after I managed to leave him, has left a massive scar on me that will never quite heal. It's all been cumulative too- one thing after the other makes it all feel too much.

Sorry that's rambling but i know what I mean just not very articulate!

RedHelenB · 01/01/2022 18:18

Yabu to try to pick fault with your inlaws yes. If they hadn't included you no doubt you'd have moaned that they hadn't acknowledged your early trauma.

blablablablablablablabla · 01/01/2022 19:11

I understand you OP. It hits a nerve with you I think.

You want to get on with life and don't want your illness to define you.

I think this colours how you see the comments.

I wish my in laws acknowledged that I've had tough times. People always minimise what I've been through and go through. It would mean a lot if someone said that to me and acknowledged my pain.

But I'm not you. I think it's really kind of them to remember your suffering when talking about their daughter, especially.

However I totally see it from your point of view too. You have dealt with your situation a certain way and it's not helpful to discuss it this much.

It sounds like you've tried to tell them not to talk about it so much. Maybe a really open hearted discussion would help.

Dear MIL and FIL, I really appreciate how supportive you are about my struggles and how much compassion you have shown me. But it really makes me sad to be reminded of what happened to me and to be defined by it. I want to forget about it, because I'm well now and it scares me to keep talking about it. It makes it feel present for me and the way I deal with it, is to make it the past. Please let's not talk about it so much. That would really help me feel safe.

Is that how you feel deep down ? I'm just guessing ? Them bringing it up could be stirring up fears of you becoming unwell again ?

CharlotteRose90 · 01/01/2022 21:28

Are you scared to become unwell again? Is that why you don’t like them using those words. You did have a hard time and so did your sil. Speaking from experience someone being seriously ill effects the whole family. Mine was 4 years ago and to this day it still effects my parents especially if I become sick with something they worry. Your sils parents will worry for the rest of their lives that their child will become sick again. I can’t even contemplate what my parents went though despite me being in my 20s going through all the scans with me, treatments with me and being told I had a 20% chance of making it. It’s a lot and you don’t forget it. Maybe you’ve blocked it out op like I have but most don’t .

Original poster

HNY2022 · 01/01/2022 21:31

Thank you @blablablablablablablabla. That is a good approach, as is the advice given by everyone else.

I definitely have been too sensitive about it, and realise it’s not about resilience but approach - my approach was and has been to move on with my life and forget about it, whereas their approach is to talk about it.

There was another comment my MiL made about half an hour beforehand, which rubbed me up the wrong way which is what I think contributed to my ranty post. It was NYE so she was talking about how much she loves having us around and grandchildren, and then she said she really feared we would have to adopt. When DH asked her what she meant, she responded that she was worried about my medical history and my fertility, but we’ve given her grandchildren so it’s ok. So that irritated me, which sounds like is me being sensitive again, but that, combined with my hard life, just made me think arghhhhh! Hence my rant here!

OP posts:

Ozanj · 01/01/2022 21:35

I think it depends on the illness really. For example most childhood cancers are much, much easier to treat the younger you are and the youngest kids won’t get ptsd / depression / have been scared by well meaning doctors or parents. So it’s very possible you had it much much easier than her if you got that illness earlier.

Flip

1 2 3