To think this doesn’t count as a “hard life”

[HNY2022]

A comment my parents in law keep saying really annoys me so just wondering if I’m being unreasonable.

Both SIL and I were seriously ill when we were younger, years before we even crossed paths, and I was younger than SIL when I was unwell. We both had the necessary treatments which were very tough, both developed complications that nearly cost us our lives, and have both been in remission for many years.

SIL is now having marriage difficulties and my parents in law keep saying how sad it is, because she’s had such a hard life and she doesn’t deserve it. They then say to me “oh you too HNY, you’ve also had such a hard life”.

AIBU to find that very insulating and offensive? I have had a very privileged life, with my parents, education, career, etc and so to suggest I’ve hard a hard life because I was seriously unwell for a year is a slap in the face for those who have had real hard lives (ie those who struggle to get food on the table, DV, etc).

And that the same applies to SIL. As far as I’m aware, she’s just as privileged as me and her ill health was the only difficult thing she’s dealt with.

I’m probably being sensitive because after two weeks of staying at in laws, things they say are starting to generally annoy me but grateful for thoughts!

@HNY2022

Just to clarify, this wasn’t childhood illness. I was late teens and SIL was late 20s. We’re talking about 20 to 25 years ago, hence why I refer to it as being younger.

But I see I’m being unreasonable.

It's completely understandable to not want to be defined by your illness

I think this hits the nail on the head. Every single time I visit my in laws they always bring up me being unwell, how much I suffered, etc. When I have annual check ups, they go on and on and on about it when I’ve told them repeatedly I don’t want to talk about it. I think I feel that it’s in the past, my life has moved on, it’s not part of who I am anymore, hence why I don’t like it always coming up.

But reading the replies has made me realise my reaction is skewered by how I have dealt with it and how I feel about it. I am not devoid of emotion and empathy as some of you have very kindly claimed, I just view it differently and that colours my vision.

Thank you for the comments and helping me to see things differently.

PCOS? Mine was caught at 30 and by then my ovaries had been destroyed. If it had been caught in my teens there would have been minimal damage as it could have been treated with the pill. Ditto with rheumatoid arthritis - my friend whose RA was caught in her 20s is now disabled. The one who had it caught in her teens has full mobility and minimal symptoms because the meds worked.

@CharlotteRose90

Are you scared to become unwell again? Is that why you don’t like them using those words. You did have a hard time and so did your sil. Speaking from experience someone being seriously ill effects the whole family. Mine was 4 years ago and to this day it still effects my parents especially if I become sick with something they worry. Your sils parents will worry for the rest of their lives that their child will become sick again. I can’t even contemplate what my parents went though despite me being in my 20s going through all the scans with me, treatments with me and being told I had a 20% chance of making it. It’s a lot and you don’t forget it. Maybe you’ve blocked it out op like I have but most don’t .

I do, of course I do. Especially now that I have my own family. My approach at the time was to keep smiling and look my best, and that was my coping mechanism, to act like everything was normal. I just want to forget about it all, not in a denial type of way, but in the sense of I’ve moved on and I want to focus on the future.

And I do remember the impact it had on my parents, and that was with them putting on a brave face for me. So I see that, my in laws are still understandably traumatised, which is why they still talk about it.

@Ozanj

I think it depends on the illness really. For example most childhood cancers are much, much easier to treat the younger you are and the youngest kids won’t get ptsd / depression / have been scared by well meaning doctors or parents. So it’s very possible you had it much much easier than her if you got that illness earlier.

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer when I was 18, I had a 5% chance of survival and ended up critical in intensive care at one point, with a possibility that I wasn’t going to recover from the infection.

My SIL had stage 2 of a different cancer.

So even though it was different stages, it was also different cancers so can’t really compare our treatments.

I'd say, if you're not keen on it being mentioned - totally fair as you want to move on and past it - I'd mention it gently. It's likely they don't realise, but isn't that pleasant for you.

Also, I think you can have a 'hard life' for many reasons. None of them are exclusive. Trauma (which facing a serious illness can cause) is one, poverty another - and there are many other issues that can make it 'hard'. I totally understand your reaction too though.

YANBU because as someone who also went through difficult experiences I'm the same, I hate pity and can find it quite patronising and othering.

But equally they probably mean it in good conscience to say the serious illness was a hard time, and are expressing their love and care for you.

I would just explain how you feel if it bothers you.

It would irritate me as I wouldn't like to have my whole life summed up in that way. I wouldn't want to feel as though I were defined by one aspect of my life.

By thier reasoning then most people have had a hard life as most people will have had something happen in their life that was traumatic or hard to get through - I’ll health, trauma, violence, etc etc.
I would say someone has had a ‘hard life’ of the majority of thier life has been continued hardship. Things happen to people but if the rest of thier life (and it sounds like your SILs was otherwise fine apart from a period of ill health) then the majority of their life has been good.

I think they're just trying to be nice by including you and not keep saying how ill SIL was while appearing to brush over your illness. I can see how annoying it would be but I'd imagine it's well meaning.

they're probably saying "and you too" so as not to negate your chilghood illness - that it was (and remains) traumatic for them as a family whilst you have risen above it is their misfortune.

I went through a myriad of situations in my youth which if I talked to people about them (I never do) they would definitely tell me I’d had a hard life

Except I don’t particularly feel I did. Despite all the problems I actually felt like my childhood was pretty happy.

But I know if someone else reeled off a similar story I would say “Gosh, how awful”

I think the difference is that you see what happened as a part of your narrative alongside all the good stuff. If they didn’t participate in the good stuff then all they see is the dramatic bits. It’s a natural black and white view of someone else’s life where you only put yourself in their shoes for the tough bits.

I’d let it lie.

Do you think it was their intention to offend you when they made the comment? YABU!

@MunroBagger Didn’t realise an intention to offend is the underlying requirement for potentially upsetting someone. People can also be careless.

Thank you for the last few comments, and those that understand. I know I’m being unreasonable but it helps that others understand my point of view, rather than assuming I’m a heartless bitch!

I would say someone has had a ‘hard life’ of the majority of thier life has been continued hardship

That’s how I saw it too, hence why the comment bugged me. One year of hardship out of 40 years of a mostly comfortable and mostly stress free life isn’t a hard life in my book (doesn’t mean I haven’t had stresses). But everyone sees things differently and that’s what I didn’t appreciate.

*@MunroBagger Didn’t realise an intention to offend is the underlying requirement for potentially upsetting someone. People can also be careless.

Thank you for the last few comments, and those that understand. I know I’m being unreasonable but it helps that others understand my point of view, rather than assuming I’m a heartless bitch!*

OP you asked if you were being unreasonable to be offended by their comment. I think you are as it is very clear that to offend you was the last thing they wanted to do. I often ask myself this when I am upset by a comment someone has made. If it is clear that there was no malice behind it or intention to upset or offend then I try not to be offended or upset.

I understand that people can be careless and I don’t think your in laws were particularly careless on this occasion. It sounds like they were just acknowledging that they appreciate that you have had a difficult time too. The comment about adoption on one of your later posts I would say is bordering on carelessness and your DP was correct to pull them up on this.

This is all just my opinion. I don’t think for one minute think you are a heartless bitch.