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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not get DPs family gifts?

64 replies

HangingOver · 31/12/2021 13:20

I'm a bit torn....DP is rubbish at remembering to get people gifts. He doesn't ever remember to get his family anything on time for Xmas and wouldn't know what to get them anyway, so usually ends up just putting some money in their accounts for them to get stuff for their kids. They give us not particularly expensive but obviously carefully thought-out gifts each year (the longer we've been together they've more obviously clearly chosen with me in mind too) and it makes me uncomfortable that we never get them anything nice/thoughtful.

On the one hand I love giving gifts and want to pay back their kindnesses but on the other hand there are three couples and seven kids, and two parents and steps... And I feel like it isn't my job. I do try to help with discussions as in the weeks leading up to Xmas he'll invariably say to the air around him a few times, 'I wonder what I should get X, Y and Z' but I just know if I get too involved I'll end up doing it all. My own family get their gifts carefully chosen wrapped and sent on time each year, as do our friends kids, all with DPs name on the cards...

AIBU to leave his family to him even though they clearly choose lovely gifts with me in mind too?

OP posts:

colourfulpuddles · 31/12/2021 13:23

If you are in a long term relationship they’re not just his family but your family too. So yes, YABU to leave them out.

Naunet · 31/12/2021 13:25

His parents should have raised him to be more considerate of other people, it’s not your fault he’s that way. If you do feel the need to get them something because they buy for you (note your partner doesn’t feel the same about your family), then do it in secret, don’t let him know.

Naunet · 31/12/2021 13:26

@colourfulpuddles

If you are in a long term relationship they’re not just his family but your family too. So yes, YABU to leave them out.

So he should buy for her family too then?

AmyDudley · 31/12/2021 13:33

You write as if there are only two options 1. You take over with the gifts 2. Your DH continues to just put money into accounts.
But there is a 3rd options - i.e. Your DH ups his game and learns how to buy thoughtful gifts for people. Why does he get a pass from making effort because he's 'hopeless'.
Does he manage to get you a gift for your birthday/Christmas? If so then he is capable.
He's got a year before next Christmas to learn how to do gifts, get him thinking about it earlier so he has more time. Get him to ask his family what sort of thing they would like, what they are into, ask parents what particular toys the kids are keen on at the time.
He could still ask you to give his selections the once over if he is lacking confidence. Or if he doesn't want to go all out on gifts he could combine a smaller thoughtful gift with some money (teens may prefer this).

But honestly, he;s a grown man, he's perfectly capable of thinking about a particular person and imagining what kind of thing they might like, he must have some minimal knowledge of whether his relatives like gardening or reading or arts and crafts or sports etc. I presume he functions in other areas of life, does he have a job where he makes decisions and follows through on plans of action ? Unless he lives in a box he is able to buy gifts. And it is high t ime he started.

Hotelhelp · 31/12/2021 13:36

I’m a strong believer that they should deal with it themselves.

I grew up seeing my mum sort gifts for my paternal grandparents and it was unfair on her. My DH is rubbish and does the classic male rush to Tesco on Christmas Eve to buy a voucher and some beer or whatever.

He’s generally bad at presents and tbh it’s partly just how he was brought up by them so they can’t expect much!

It’s a bit embarrassing watching him hand them over on Christmas Day and I have said to him try harder next year but I won’t take it on.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2021 13:42

I mainly get the gifts here for immediate family, because I prefer to do it, and am rather control freakery about it. If I didn’t wish to I wouldn’t. My husband always remembers his family and I pipe up I will deal with it. He sometimes gets other stuff for them, like concert tickets for his brother and he does his extended family, Inc all cards, I don’t get involved, I just do it for the ones I like and care for.

I don’t see it as a pink job or a blue one, and I see us all as family, but I don’t really get involved with his extended family. I am no contact with my family so the only gift giving is his side.

Treesuphooray · 31/12/2021 13:43

Similar here, and I’m not doing it! I buy for birthdays, Christmas etc for my family and friends and find it embarrassing that DP only occasionally remembers a happy birthday text and has no idea when neice and nephew birthdays are.
He says his family are fine with it. I’m not so convinced.
There is also a reason that we see more of my family than his- I bother arranging visits/ trips and he doesn’t.

In all honestly he and his siblings appear to have been raised to think that thinking of others is woman’s work. I don’t think it is, so I’m not doing it for him. Similarly I no longer do his washing as he couldn’t be arsed to empty pockets, use the washing basket etc.

Pegasussnail · 31/12/2021 13:46

My dh just sends money to his side of the family. His relatives get the dc gifts (eg clothes) and mil will give us a small box of roses (plus dh a pair of Jesus sandals she dug out of a spare room)
So I leave him at it.
But if I were to receive something thoughtful then yes I would let dh put money in the accounts but I'd also get them a token

stickygotstuck · 31/12/2021 13:48

Don't take over. They are his job. You have plenty.

Perhaps have a quick chat with in laws about how much you appreciate their thoughtful gifts and could they please give tips to DP because you are aware he should up his game.

Starcaller · 31/12/2021 13:49

DH is crap about gifts too. SIL loves Christmas and gets us all such lovely and thoughtful gifts, but when I leave it to DH they get some Amazon vouchers (which they are very kind about and thank us profusely for ). DH doesn't really see the issue, he's not a particularly thoughtful gifter himself in general although he thankfully can take a hint or just be told what I want, so no issues there.

This year I left him to it and gave plenty of warning and of course when I asked if he had sorted it, he said he had sent them ... some Amazon vouchers. And a pretty stingy amount, to make matters worse. So I panicked and spent another £100 (his money!) on some actual gifts at last minute. But I was v irritated and am going to read the riot act next year about getting off his arse and making an effort.

It annoys me though as it's that old thing of he does do it but in a way that I think is rubbish, but his argument will be that it's done, a box is ticked. He's so good at not viewing stuff as 'wife work', but this is one thing that frustrates me every year.

HelloDulling · 31/12/2021 13:50

If they buy for you, not just him, then you can/should buy for them

If the issue is that there are too many of them and you don’t want to spend the money, that’s another matter.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/12/2021 13:52

You are married, you are a team. Ok technically they are his family, but they obviously consider you as family also. How would you feel if they just got gifts for your DH because he is family and you aren't?

Emerald5hamrock · 31/12/2021 13:53

No you're right it is not your job.
Mine is useless at buying. I reminded him 20 times to get his mum something, I sent something last minute but it is the last time.
I stopped previously for 4 years and for 4 years they got nothing from him.

Starcaller · 31/12/2021 13:56

I meant to add too that in past years when I've taken on buying for his immediate family, I've been absolutely insistent that he pulls his weight in other ways, such as doing ALL the wrapping for every gift, DD's stocking, etc. Which he does happily do without complaint. I didn't do it this year as I've had a lot going on: pregnancy, then I started a new job and got norovirus the same week, and I was just running on empty so delegated the gifts to him.

Maybe in future I should just always get them gifts but be even harder about the other stuff that is his responsibility. I suppose it being equal doesn't necessarily mean that everyone does 50% of the same task, but that overall the effort across the whole Christmas 'thing' is equal. Maybe it's less hassle to accept that he is shit at presents but I am shit at wrapping so we should play to our strengths. I don't know.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 31/12/2021 13:56

Have you told him how it looks? I’d tell my DH that it makes him look thoughtless and as though he doesn’t really care. If he chose to carry on then so be it.

The most is so I’d give a reminder near Christmas saying he should think about his present shopping.

We tend to each but for our own sides of family but may ask each other for help thinking of ideas.

Gardeningcreature · 31/12/2021 13:58

My dh sorts his side of the family out. He is very thoughtful though.
How can you not know it’s Christmas though? Even non materialistic people have it rammed down their throats months before.

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 13:58

He is not rubbish at remembering to buy gifts, he is lazy. Money is the same which ended with us having an argument in tesco on Christmas eve because I bought my dad a voucher and he said "have you bought my mum and dad anything" and when intold him no and questiond why he hadn't thought to buy his mum and dad AND my mum and dad a gifts he stood at the tills shaking his head and called me ridiculous.
It's sheer fucking laziness, and really not giving a just him expecting me to do everything for him. His mum and dad got money in a card, which he wrote in the kitchen on boxing day while they were in the livingroom. Embarrassing for him.

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 13:59

Sorry I got a bit worked up about that there 🤣

Emerald5hamrock · 31/12/2021 14:05

@Thatsplentyjack it deserves getting worked up over.
I'll see it as family work after the year he has organised our DC and extended families gifts, I won't hold my breath waiting for it.

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 14:10

🤣 yes, I was so angry there it didn't even make much sense because of all the typos.

billy1966 · 31/12/2021 14:19

@stickygotstuck

Don't take over. They are his job. You have plenty.

Perhaps have a quick chat with in laws about how much you appreciate their thoughtful gifts and could they please give tips to DP because you are aware he should up his game.

This.

Leave him to it.

Do not take it on.

C152 · 31/12/2021 14:22

YANBU to expect a grown man to sort presents out for his own family. Don't get involved. They knew him before he knew you, so they must know he's shit at giving presents and are used to it.

BibiBlocksberg · 31/12/2021 14:41

Another vote for no, leave him to sort it out. Coloured by personal experience of a decade of running around sorting gifts for ex DP’s family only for him to get the glory, grrrr!

Double3xposure · 31/12/2021 14:53

@colourfulpuddles

If you are in a long term relationship they’re not just his family but your family too. So yes, YABU to leave them out.

What nonsense of course they are not her family! The second she and her partner split up she will never see them again.

SpinsForGin · 31/12/2021 15:18

He should be buying presents for his own family.
I bet he manages to remember to do things at work .....

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