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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get DPs family gifts?

64 replies

HangingOver · 31/12/2021 13:20

I'm a bit torn....DP is rubbish at remembering to get people gifts. He doesn't ever remember to get his family anything on time for Xmas and wouldn't know what to get them anyway, so usually ends up just putting some money in their accounts for them to get stuff for their kids. They give us not particularly expensive but obviously carefully thought-out gifts each year (the longer we've been together they've more obviously clearly chosen with me in mind too) and it makes me uncomfortable that we never get them anything nice/thoughtful.

On the one hand I love giving gifts and want to pay back their kindnesses but on the other hand there are three couples and seven kids, and two parents and steps... And I feel like it isn't my job. I do try to help with discussions as in the weeks leading up to Xmas he'll invariably say to the air around him a few times, 'I wonder what I should get X, Y and Z' but I just know if I get too involved I'll end up doing it all. My own family get their gifts carefully chosen wrapped and sent on time each year, as do our friends kids, all with DPs name on the cards...

AIBU to leave his family to him even though they clearly choose lovely gifts with me in mind too?

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 31/12/2021 15:37

I am in the same position but refuse to accept the stereotyped role of buying presents for both my family and his. I remind him as we get towards Xmas but he usually does nothing about it. I tell him it's shit and he agrees. Still doesn't get presents. Despite this I still refuse to sort it out for him. He can if he wants to. We never see his family though as they live abroad. If we were seeing them at Xmas, I could not bear not to give them anything, especially if we were actually together on Xmas day.

LampLighter414 · 31/12/2021 15:52

I support the your family, your responsibility type arrangement.

If he is useless at sorting out some gifts and his family make comments, put the blame his way that he obviously didn't remember.

Same with Mothers Day, Fathers Day, family members birthday. It is absolutely not on a partner to remember their DPs family's dates and sort out gifts etc for them.

TwoAndCooPlease · 31/12/2021 16:24

Same as @Thatsplentyjack
DP announces on 22nd he's coming shopping with me. Great I thought. He's going to help this year. I have a newborn now so this year really was the year to step up

I left him on the centre. I did all my shopping even buying stocking fillers and a few extra presents for his daughter despite him telling me he was buying gifts

He... went into Waterstones and bought his dad a book he would like to use after him. That's it!!!

The other day he asks me if I knew Thornton's in town was closed - I'm thinking maybe he had been let down when shopping for Xmas chocs?
I say no?
He says 'aw TwoandCoo I was so upset! I went for an ice cream when we were shopping and it's not there anymore'
I would love to have seen my face!!

I'm so sick of the laziness and leaving things because I'll pick up the slack

Original poster
HangingOver · 31/12/2021 17:11

He's got a year before next Christmas to learn how to do gifts, get him thinking about it earlier so he has more time. Get him to ask his family what sort of thing they would like, what they are into, ask parents what particular toys the kids are keen on at the time

See it's the "get him to" part... I feel like trying to organise him into doing it would end up taking more energy than me just doing it myself. Catch 22.

You are married, you are a team. Ok technically they are his family, but they obviously consider you as family also. How would you feel if they just got gifts for your DH because he is family and you aren't?

We aren't married. I only see them once or twice a year...and I would MUCH prefer them just to get stuff for him!

OP posts:
DebIr · 31/12/2021 17:19

I begin to feel like husband’s family can never win on here. If they don’t accept his wife into the family they are slated as she is family. If they do and buy thoughtful presents, wife says they’re his family and his problem!
Why is it so difficult to work as a partnership. If you’re better at choosing presents then why not just do it?
My husband is one of 8 and he has 22 nephews and nieces. I know every one of them and buy all the presents!

DebIr · 31/12/2021 17:20

And I only see them once a year as they are not in the UK.

MarmaladeCloud · 31/12/2021 17:26

Or you could take over but in return he does something for you. As long as theres balance in what you are each doing for eachother I don't see the problem with doing something for him especially if he's not great at it and you are. Surely there's something that he can do that you'd rather not.

Shamoo · 31/12/2021 17:52

Christmas Day is the same day ever single year. He knows when it is. It doesn’t come as a surprise. He actively chooses to not get them gifts. Either because he doesn’t care, or because he expects you to. Either way, not good enough. No way should you be doing it.

Harlequin1088 · 31/12/2021 17:54

Not your job. He’s an adult and is more than capable of choosing, wrapping and distributing gifts to his family. Why should it fall to you?

I used to bend over backwards for my ex-husband’s family, ensuring every single birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc. was accounted for. Never once got a word of thanks from him or them. Never again.

In subsequent relationships (including the one I’m in now), I don’t get involved in any of the gift giving for my partner’s family. They’re lovely people and I know full well this Christmas he hasn’t sent a single card or gift for any of them but I’ll be damned if I start getting involved. It’s not my place and I absolutely will not be setting a precedent.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/01/2022 02:33

@DebIr

I begin to feel like husband’s family can never win on here. If they don’t accept his wife into the family they are slated as she is family. If they do and buy thoughtful presents, wife says they’re his family and his problem! Why is it so difficult to work as a partnership. If you’re better at choosing presents then why not just do it? My husband is one of 8 and he has 22 nephews and nieces. I know every one of them and buy all the presents!
It's not a question of choosing it for me. It's a refusal to act out the female stereotype. I am no better at present buying than my OH so there is no reason for me to be the only one buying presents.
Nandocushion · 01/01/2022 03:25

How about - you find them gifts that are well-thought-out, but sign them as being "from HangingOver" and pointedly leaving his name out? Which seems a bit PA I know, but it's also true.

Catflapkitkat · 01/01/2022 04:41

I have a husband useless at gifts. I enjoy choosing, buying wrapping gifts, so I am happy to take it on and we don't buy for many now.

If the in-laws were rude or didn't return gifts, I would say leave your DH to it. But the OP has said her in laws are kind, helpful throughout the year and buy her thoughtful presents. I would want to ensure they had a nice gift. Knowing your DH leaves it to the last minute, will you be stressing about it? nagging him?

I suppose you could pick a physical shopping day you both go on. Ask your in-laws to send your DH a list. Or perhaps suggest to the nieces/nephews sil/bil to drop the gifts and just buy for your MIL/FIL

GiveOverIrene · 01/01/2022 04:46

I wonder if there's a man on the planet who feels guilty about not choosing, buying, wrapping and delivering gifts for his wife's family? Why is this still a thing in 2022 that if you have a vagina you must take on this responsibility for a man? He's more than capable so let him get on with it.

Selttan · 01/01/2022 05:19

This is a tough one - I mean it's not fair that you should have to step in and sort it out but I also understand wanting them to have nice gifts since they think of you.

Could you perhaps help by offering guidance to your partner but ensure he is the one that ultimately picks the gift and buys it. ie if you know one of them is into puzzles suggest he get them a puzzle but not actually pick out a specific one let your partner do that.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/01/2022 05:42

@sweeneytoddsrazor

You are married, you are a team. Ok technically they are his family, but they obviously consider you as family also. How would you feel if they just got gifts for your DH because he is family and you aren't?
This is what I see marriage as being. You recognize thee effort they put into choosing things with you in mind so you make the effort back. DH can pick up the slack somewhere else.
SoftSquishy8 · 01/01/2022 05:43

I started buying DH's family Christmas gifts when we married. We'd have a big family get together on Boxing Day and I'd feel embarrassed not turning up with anything.

It was stressful and an additional job I realised I'd given myself, so I told DH (with plenty of notice) I wouldn't be doing it anymore.

For the past 10 years he's given zero gifts to any family, zero. Nothing for Christmas or birthdays, even for his neices. Of course that meant presents for us stopped too (thankfully really) but then the invitations stopped too.

Now he just doesn't really speak to anyone. They weren't close before but it definitely drove another wedge - but it's his family, his choice. Not my responsibility to facilitate a relationship with them and remind him about Christmas/Birthdays.

DifferentHair · 01/01/2022 06:14

Sexist bollocks.

Since you don't mind doing it, I would make it offical but swap it for a chore you don't enjoy that will now become his sole responsibility.

Eg from now on he is solely and completely responsible for ironing for something.

I don't accept that men are incapable of remembering birthdays and buying presents. I think we've all been conditioned to facilitate this laziness on their behalf.

SickAndTiredAgain · 01/01/2022 06:41

If you’re better at choosing presents then why not just do it?

She’s not better at choosing presents, she’s just not completely lazy. No one “forgets” Christmas every year, he just can’t be arsed. That doesn’t mean he’s bad at choosing presents, that means he’s too lazy to even try.

If someone posted on here “I forget Christmas every year, I’m rubbish at remembering to buy presents! AIBU to expect my husband to just buy everything for my family, leaving me to my incompetence?” all the responses would be people saying “wtf do you mean you forget Christmas? No you don’t! Don’t be so lazy.”

DebIr · 01/01/2022 19:25

Seriously life is too short to make dramas where there aren’t any.
Worry about sexism where there are real issues like in many workplaces in the UK or gross injustices in other countries.

sjxoxo · 01/01/2022 19:37

Can you make a list of people to buy presents for & leave it out hanging in kitchen etc. Say ‘I’m doing xyz, you can do abc’ and see what he says to that. The truth is he can’t be arsed to deal with choosing or organising gifts, and he does not care about the ‘shame’ that comes as a result of not giving a gift either. To him it’s not important. You are right his family will notice and his lack of effort will hurt some peoples feelings; he also doesn’t care about that. It’s shit and it’s just not on his radar.

This year we’ve not seen family due to covid restrictions and so we’ve done very little gifting but will get them at a later date when we are seeing them all. I’ve noticed how much less stress this year is for me- and I’ve also realised that my step-FIL, my BIL, and my grandad, have never, ever, bought me a gift. Or any of the other women in the family. I’ve realised it’s just us women who are organising all these gifts every year and there’s these ‘hanger-on-ers’ who are getting nice gifts every year but without contributing F all to the Christmas effort. Honestly next year I think I’ll get the women lovely gifts and the blokes nothing. They can’t even be arsed to sign Christmas cards. When we get cards all I see is the handwriting of women I know, signing their husbands name for them. Honestly it’s shit but I think they do not care about Xmas one jot. Next year shall we do a women only Xmas 🤣 they can only join in the festive spirit if they’ve bought and wrapped at least 5 gifts and 5 cards!! Xo

mrsed1987 · 01/01/2022 19:41

Interestingly I end up doing my dh's family but he often will buy bits for my parents! (we aren't close to his family but are to mine). If I didn't do it, his side of the family wouldn't get anything

SpankyPankhurst · 01/01/2022 19:43

I gave up buying for DH's family several years ago. It always made a hole in my pocket and was not remembered.

Rrrob · 01/01/2022 19:48

I’m in the same situation. DH misses every birthday of his family without fail. Half of them have received xmas presents (we didn’t see them over xmas). He announced today its his step mum’s big birthday in a couple of weeks and I’m wondering whether to sort a card at least.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/01/2022 19:51

@DebIr

Seriously life is too short to make dramas where there aren’t any. Worry about sexism where there are real issues like in many workplaces in the UK or gross injustices in other countries.
Accepting these kind of 'little things' is what allows the bigger things to do the damage to which you are referring. IMHO people should worry about everyday sexism. There is no real drama - if the OHs family object to not getting presents, they can take it up with him. No need for drama.
PussInBin20 · 01/01/2022 20:07

I’ve fallen into this trap and I can’t quite remember how! I suspect like you that my MIL probably got me nice presents and I felt bad for not reciprocating. So now I do all the presents for both sides and all the wrapping and all the cards!

I do hate it but I don’t want to be embarrassed when she gives us thoughtful presents and not give a gift back. I know MIL really appreciates it because she gets nothing from her youngest son - not even a Birthday card, which I feel is poor. I also send his kids cards/vouchers and always have done but my DD gets nothing.

Now I’m about 18 yrs in so I can’t stop now.

On the plus side, although I do all the food shopping for Xmas, my DH has cooked all meals over the Xmas holidays including for my DM and Xmas/Boxing Day so I feel like it’s teamwork really.

Doesn’t stop me moaning to myself each year though as I rack my brains trying to figure out what people would like.