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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not get DPs family gifts?

64 replies

HangingOver · 31/12/2021 13:20

I'm a bit torn....DP is rubbish at remembering to get people gifts. He doesn't ever remember to get his family anything on time for Xmas and wouldn't know what to get them anyway, so usually ends up just putting some money in their accounts for them to get stuff for their kids. They give us not particularly expensive but obviously carefully thought-out gifts each year (the longer we've been together they've more obviously clearly chosen with me in mind too) and it makes me uncomfortable that we never get them anything nice/thoughtful.

On the one hand I love giving gifts and want to pay back their kindnesses but on the other hand there are three couples and seven kids, and two parents and steps... And I feel like it isn't my job. I do try to help with discussions as in the weeks leading up to Xmas he'll invariably say to the air around him a few times, 'I wonder what I should get X, Y and Z' but I just know if I get too involved I'll end up doing it all. My own family get their gifts carefully chosen wrapped and sent on time each year, as do our friends kids, all with DPs name on the cards...

AIBU to leave his family to him even though they clearly choose lovely gifts with me in mind too?

OP posts:

ChubbyMorticia · 01/01/2022 20:09

My MIL had very firm ideas about wifework. She called shortly after we were married, and wanted to dictate a list of family birthdays (her siblings, in-laws, DH's cousins), phone numbers and addresses to me. I thanked her for the thought, but said that DH had been on his own for almost two decades before I met him, so I was certain he had the information he needed to keep in touch.

The only thing I've done is kept his birth siblings on my FB, so he could wish them happy birthday, etc, since he didn't have FB until recently.

luckylavender · 01/01/2022 20:16

Going against the grain here, we all have strengths & weaknesses. I would do the gifts as you'll clearly be better at it and let him play to his strengths.

DebIr · 01/01/2022 21:20

@luckylavender

Going against the grain here, we all have strengths & weaknesses. I would do the gifts as you'll clearly be better at it and let him play to his strengths.

Completely agree! No wonder there are so many unhappy families. We’re all different.

Crazycrazylady · 01/01/2022 21:23

Honestly op
In our family my husband is rubbish at remembering gifts etc which I am good at. He can and does fix anything in the house and does techie stuff and all gardening so I just do the gifts for both sides
Honestly think it's a bit petty not to buy anything for his side when you could easily do it.( I agree you shouldn't have to but if your dh pulls his weight otherwise) I'd let this go but that's just me

SickAndTiredAgain · 01/01/2022 22:58

@luckylavender

Going against the grain here, we all have strengths & weaknesses. I would do the gifts as you'll clearly be better at it and let him play to his strengths.

I’d generally agree with this, but OP has said her husband doesn’t even remember Xmas presents. That’s not forgetting a birthday, or not really knowing what present to get, no one forgets Christmas is coming up. DH and I generally buy our own family‘s presents but I’ll get something for an in-law if it’s something I think they’ll like, and DH will do the same for my family. I wouldn’t be impressed if he claimed to forget that Christmas involved presents though. It seems more “can’t be bothered” than “trying but it’s really not a strength”.

Holly60 · 01/01/2022 23:28

The thing is, OP has mentioned that these people buy her nice, thoughtful gifts. I couldn’t receive nice thoughtful gifts, year after year and not reciprocate. Take her partner out of it because actually the gift giving relationship, as it were, is actually between OP and the individuals who buy for her. Either she delegates that reciprocity to her husband (and accepts that he will do a poor job), works with her partner to buy nice gifts, gets them herself, or just says to the individuals that she’d rather not exchange gifts at christmas.

That’s how I see it anyway.

With my DH we discuss what to buy for whom and I get some bits and he gets others, depending on what our strengths/interests are or who is going to what shop etc. So I would probably buy for someone who would appreciate a nice expensive bubble bath for example, and he would think of/ buy someone a bit of tech for someone. We then sit and wrap everything together. When we had young children we would share the buying for them too. It always felt like a partnership though.

MojoMoon · 01/01/2022 23:52

@GiveOverIrene

I wonder if there's a man on the planet who feels guilty about not choosing, buying, wrapping and delivering gifts for his wife's family? Why is this still a thing in 2022 that if you have a vagina you must take on this responsibility for a man? He's more than capable so let him get on with it.

100pc this

Caitlin Moran said the way to define sexism was "are men doing it?"

Men are not worrying about the quality of Xmas gifts for their wife's family.

It is societal and cultural sexism that makes women believe they need to be doing the careful choosing of gifts and will be judged if they do not.

Dadsnet is not having this conversation

Sometimeswinning · 02/01/2022 00:25

I had an argument with dh overtime tonight, how he had zero input into anything connected with our family or christmas. His reply is I'm a complete control freak over it and wouldnt let him anyway.

This Christmas we shall be shopping together and he can choose gifts for his children, nieces and nephews. It will be a first in the 12 years we've had children to buy for!

2022HowDoYouDo · 02/01/2022 21:20

In our family my husband is rubbish at remembering gifts etc which I am good at. He can and does fix anything in the house and does techie stuff and all gardening so I just do the gifts for both sides is that all you do then?

HunterGatherer · 03/01/2022 00:28

One of my DSs buys the most amazingly well thought out and generous gifts. However we hardly ever see him and he would be the last person on earth I'd ask yo help with anything oractical.
Our other DS is helpful and caring on a daily basis but when it comes to buying gifts he truly hasn't a clue, I got some socks with "Jeep" written on them and some Ferrero rocher this year.
I agree with the people saying work as a team and play to his strengths. Not because you are a woman but because it is obviously a strength of yours. Get him to pick up dome extra task in return.

Abcdefu · 03/01/2022 00:33

If you take over the gift buying for all can he take over a different routine task (with maybe less thought) like getting the kids uniforms,shoes,coats,schoolbags bought in Summer?

underneaththeash · 03/01/2022 00:34

If you're married maybe - not a partner's job.

Sn0tnose · 03/01/2022 00:46

We do a bit of a joint effort which works out at 50/50. There are a couple of my family members he’s picked up gifts for while he’s been out shopping and seen something they’d like and I’ve bought a couple of gifts for his family members if I’ve seen the right thing when I’ve been shopping. Never in a million years would he expect me to do anything for his side.

I think, if you’re embarrassed at how little thought he puts into his gifts and you want to help him, you could sit him down, tell him he’s lazy and he’s letting himself and his family down. Tell him he needs to ask parents what the kids want and he needs to think what the adults like and buy according. Tell him you’ll help him by telling him whether something is a good idea or not. And tell him that you’re only doing offering to help because you feel sorry for his family.

Do not do it for him though.

Rosebel · 03/01/2022 00:51

Going back to when I first got together with DH I used to buy and wrap for his family and my family. Then I became a SAHM and it was easier for me to buy gifts as I had more time.
First year I went back to work I nearly killed myself trying to get everything done and told DH from then on to buy for his own family.
We tend to book a shopping day in December when we buy family gifts but it's still down to him to make sure everyone is brought for. Do you think he'd up his game if you did something like this?
Whatever you do don't fall in to the trap of buying for them. It's up to him to sort, if that means they get money then so be it.

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