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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate being around DF and kids

59 replies

georgarina · 31/12/2021 11:58

Not sure how to approach this...

I am NC with DM (got taken away from her as a child) so only in touch with DF. And my toddler DCs are very close with him. But I hate being around him with them because of his attitude.

He is basically disrespectful in constant small ways. Asking my DCs in a 'lighthearted' way -'will you be cleverer than Mummy when you grow up? You'll definitely be better at maths than her!' They were just confused because they didn't understand why he would say that, my 3yo saying 'Are you joking?'

He consciously/subconsciously undermines everything I do with them. For example if I say 'it's bathtime' he'll announce loudly 'Let's all watch a film!' or if he's carrying one and I go to wipe their mouth he'll put his shoulder out to shake me off and walk away.

If I want to say anything to him I have to raise my voice and repeat myself 3/4 times because he just ignores me. Or rolls his eyes/sighs with exasperation/contradicts what I've said. Or it's a battle with him, so if I say they can get up from the table and they fall over (for example) he'll make a face and look at me as if to say 'See?'

And he was carrying them upstairs to bed and I was saying goodnight to them and he abruptly says 'That's enough' and walks off with them.

He'll ask his wife for advice on the DCs right in front of me and ignore the fact that I'm right there. He will never ask me for advice or permission to do anything with them.

It's hard to explain because it's just little passive aggressive things all the time. It has been like that since I was a child and it deeply affected me. I told him how I felt yesterday - that I wanted to enjoy being around him with the children but didn't because of these things - and he said 'I know you have your issues and I suspect these things happen far less than you imagine they do.'

I can't go NC because the kids love him and he's all the family I have. But I hate how he makes me feel and I'm terrified the kids will start picking up on it and lose respect for me/treat him as the authority.

WWYD short of going NC?

OP posts:
Fidgetty · 31/12/2021 12:10

You absolutely can (and should) go NC. You just don't have the confidence to do so as he's belittled you your whole life. Fuck him OP.

If you really can't go NC just minimise contact and start finding your voice. Work on your confidence. Start asserting yourself as the DC's mother. Don't let him undermine your authority. You're their parent YOU know best. Take them off him if he's being a dick and just undermine what he says. So with the "let's watch a film" thing just calmly and firmly say "no it's bath time, we can watch a film after/tomorrow" and follow through even if the DC protest. Hold your boundaries every single time and he should hopefully realise that he no longer has power over you. The dickhead.

Tiredpregnantmess · 31/12/2021 12:19

Oh OP you sound lovely but you definitely need to go NC as it will not only negatively impact you but also your DC. They're already picking up on what he's saying and they will start to think it's normal behaviour. Yes they will miss him to begin with but give it time they won't care. Focus on creating a happy environment for DC which means you need to be happy.

If you can't go NC straight away give him an ultimatum. Tell him it's you doing the parenting and he winds his neck in. If he can't do that tell him you will cut contact.

TellMeItsPossible · 31/12/2021 12:24

What will you do when he starts belittling your children, OP? Because he will.

Fwiw that was the straw that broke the camels back for me and my mum, when I saw her being snidey and horrible to my dc in the same ways she was to me, growing up. Nope nope nope. Nobody gets to treat my dc that way, related or not.

Your dad isnt being passive aggressive though, it's just straight up aggressive.

StopStartStop · 31/12/2021 12:28

Nope. You need to put a stop to that. If NC is the way, do it.
The level of disrespect! You are an adult, those are your children, not his. And he's gaslighting you with the 'less often than you think'.

If you can't bring yourself to go NC yet, minimise contact. And when you can, speak up. 'Don't speak disrespectfully of me to my children!' 'It's time for us to go now!'

Are you living with him? Why is he taking the children up to bed? Start thinking about your boundaries - and put some limits on what he gets to do.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 31/12/2021 12:28

Your kids won't miss him for long. You said yourself that a three year old can see he is lying, being nasty. Why not trust the words and thoughts of that child and remove yourself and them from all this nastiness?

Just10moreminutesplease · 31/12/2021 12:31

I’m sorry your dad is treating you like this. You don’t deserve to be undermined, especially when it comes to your children Flowers.

You’re not doing your children any favours by letting them see his treatment of you. You’re their mum and they learn how to set healthy boundaries by watching you.

If you don’t want to go nc, I’d at least consider limiting the time your children spend with him (ideally keeping visits to days out so he doesn’t have the opportunity to take them to bed etc).

AppleButterfly · 31/12/2021 12:31

I think you should go NC. He's not being passive aggressive but aggressive, he is gaslighting you.

But at very least low contact, don't invite him over at bedtime, ideally meet him somewhere else rather than yours. Calmly tell him to mind his manners and if he can't he'll need to leave. He won't like loosing control, but they never do.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 31/12/2021 12:31

You go very low contact. Pull right back from the sleepovers and what you're doing now. He will belittle you and undermine you even more. That's already confusing your 3 yo - don't let that get worse. You're not doing your kids a favour by letting them get attached to this man - quite the opposite, you're making them targets for his bullying

Having no family is better than having an abusive family. You can do better by having people in your life who care about you, by choice, than feeling obliged to have horrible people around your kids because they are blood relations.

Tibtab · 31/12/2021 12:34

Just because he is family doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship. It doesn’t sound like he brings any happiness to your life.

If you genuinely won’t go NC, then you need to only see him on your terms e.g. outside the house, and you need to follow through if he is disrespectful by leaving the situation.

He’s nasty and abusive and won’t change. I think you’re hoping that he will turn around one day and start treating you nicely, that doesn’t happen with people like this unless they acknowledge that they have a problem.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/12/2021 12:37

Honestly? I’d go NC. He’s not the only family you have, you have your DC and they don’t deserve to be brought up around this behaviour. What happens when he starts turning the passive aggressive and belittling comments onto them? Much easier to break contact now when they are still little than in the future.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/12/2021 12:38

Reduce the time you spend together first if you dont feel able to go NC.

Why is he around them so much? It's quite suffocating.

Hb12 · 31/12/2021 12:39

Yeah, there's nothing passive in that aggression. And then the gas lighting, yuck.

Your kids are small, they'll miss him for all of a week and then move on.

Either go NC or keep a good distance. You don't deserve this. Especially as he knows your mother treated you poorly.

Newestname002 · 31/12/2021 12:46

Your father is not a good person to treat you and his grandchildren like this, OP. Do, please, consider at least going very low contact with him to protect both yourself and your children. Do you have a DP/DH who can help you with this so you have some real life support? 🌹

AutumnLeaves21 · 31/12/2021 12:49

There is no way I would be around this man and allow him to undermine and disrespect me to my own children. No way.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 31/12/2021 12:52

Your children will do fine without contact with this man. They can get plenty of male role models through school etc. Concentrate on living your own life and enjoying it without having this idiot belittling you.

CovidForChristmas · 31/12/2021 12:53

@AutumnLeaves21

There is no way I would be around this man and allow him to undermine and disrespect me to my own children. No way.
Same. Do you live together? Why can’t you just naturally reduce the contact? He won’t stop OP.
PrincessNutella · 31/12/2021 12:57

Either you need to go no contact or you need to address his aggression every time you see it, the way a dog trainer would. Right now he feels rewarded in his power struggle. He needs to feel punished.

Briarshollow · 31/12/2021 13:00

If you live there, you need to leave. He is not a good man man and you have been hugely failed by both of your parents. Protect your children from him.

He’s almost trying to take over the parenting of your kids, which is a dangerous situation. Were you all young when you had your children?

godmum56 · 31/12/2021 13:01

I voted yabu because you are being vvvvu to stay in contact with him. He is mot family he is a nully and an abuser. You'd be better off alone, its like saying I have to eat poison because I have no food.

2022success · 31/12/2021 13:03

If you won't go NC you have to go LC. Reduce how often you see him and reduce how long the visits are for. Reduce the information you share with him.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2021 13:05

Please don’t let him ruin your relationship with your own kids! He is constantly undermining you.

Do you live with him?

Branleuse · 31/12/2021 13:08

What happened with your mum?
Any chance that your abusive and cruel "head-game" playing POS father might have driven her mad?

midlifecrash · 31/12/2021 13:13

Lord, I’ve just read this and my stomach is churning. That is really nasty bullying. Really really nasty

justasking111 · 31/12/2021 13:20

Speak to his wife if she can't rein him in, then go LC I wondered if he destroyed your mother reading your post

Serendipity79 · 31/12/2021 13:21

I've turned my back on my parent and siblings this year for nasty behaviour exactly like this - constantly being undermined with my own children, and being taken advantage of.

This Xmas was smaller and quieter than usual, and I have a bit of guilt about my children not growing up with a big family - but we have each other, and I have peace of mind. No example is better than a bad example and someone told me earlier this year "You shouldn't stay fin a toxic relationship with someone due to an outdated notion that sharing some DNA makes you bonded together for life. Mutual respect still has to be earned"

Go NC and dont look back xx

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