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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hate being around DF and kids

59 replies

georgarina · 31/12/2021 11:58

Not sure how to approach this...

I am NC with DM (got taken away from her as a child) so only in touch with DF. And my toddler DCs are very close with him. But I hate being around him with them because of his attitude.

He is basically disrespectful in constant small ways. Asking my DCs in a 'lighthearted' way -'will you be cleverer than Mummy when you grow up? You'll definitely be better at maths than her!' They were just confused because they didn't understand why he would say that, my 3yo saying 'Are you joking?'

He consciously/subconsciously undermines everything I do with them. For example if I say 'it's bathtime' he'll announce loudly 'Let's all watch a film!' or if he's carrying one and I go to wipe their mouth he'll put his shoulder out to shake me off and walk away.

If I want to say anything to him I have to raise my voice and repeat myself 3/4 times because he just ignores me. Or rolls his eyes/sighs with exasperation/contradicts what I've said. Or it's a battle with him, so if I say they can get up from the table and they fall over (for example) he'll make a face and look at me as if to say 'See?'

And he was carrying them upstairs to bed and I was saying goodnight to them and he abruptly says 'That's enough' and walks off with them.

He'll ask his wife for advice on the DCs right in front of me and ignore the fact that I'm right there. He will never ask me for advice or permission to do anything with them.

It's hard to explain because it's just little passive aggressive things all the time. It has been like that since I was a child and it deeply affected me. I told him how I felt yesterday - that I wanted to enjoy being around him with the children but didn't because of these things - and he said 'I know you have your issues and I suspect these things happen far less than you imagine they do.'

I can't go NC because the kids love him and he's all the family I have. But I hate how he makes me feel and I'm terrified the kids will start picking up on it and lose respect for me/treat him as the authority.

WWYD short of going NC?

OP posts:

toddybell · 31/12/2021 13:29

What an absolute gaslighting waste of space he is. It's not going to get better. Go NC.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 31/12/2021 13:32

People don't change, if he was nasty to you when you were a little child who didn't understand, what makes you think he won't eventually be nasty to your little children, or to you which is the same as being nasty to them (by running their mum down).

His reply tells you that he knows he does this- and isn't going to stop either, he is saying you are over-sensitive. A nice normal person would apologise and try harder not to do it, he's not going to.

I think having contact with only one parent is making you a bit desperate, but it's it quite likely if your mum was a bad parent, then he was quite bad also? You weren't brought up in a nurturing nice environment- you know you want that for your kids, so minimize the time they spend with this not nice undermining nasty person and even consider not seeing them at all. Or once a year for present-swapping, odd text and no more.

SanFranBear · 31/12/2021 13:36

Agree with PP that he will eventually 'turn' on your DC...

My parents treated me second best to my brother my whole childhood - and my childhood was actually really good but it was clear who was favoured... I visited with my DD and DS just after my marriage breakdown and witnessed them starting to treat my DD in a similar way - putting her down, treating DS like some sort of mini God.. it then really hit me!

We still communicated over Skype and email occasionally so that my DC knew who they were but I never went to visit them again where they could passively tell me DD she wasn't as good as her brother!

If you can't go NC, go as low as you can as it will be damaging your DC!

Thepineapplemystery · 31/12/2021 13:39

I bet your kids love lots of things that are bad for them. So do what you'd do if it were something like that - irregular, sporadic and infrequent access. Basically go very low contact.

frazzledasarock · 31/12/2021 13:42

Your choice to keep this toxic abusive man in your life.

But what’s going to happen is as your dc grow up they’ll realise that grandad will let them do whatever they want and calls mum stupid and they’ll treat you with similar contempt and ignore you. And then it will be too late.

Get your DC away from this toxic abusive man, get yourself counselling.

He’s a horrible man and does not have yours or your DC’s interests to heart he’s constantly trying to get own up on you and is slowly eroding your parenting relationship with your dc.

Step away before the harm caused becomes irreversible.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/12/2021 13:45

You have to go NC
How can you think it's in the children's interest to have a relationship with this man?

Skeumorph · 31/12/2021 13:49

My grandmother was like this.

She destroyed my relationship with my mother. I had no respect for my mother because my grandmother made damn sure I saw my mother as the bottom of the pile. She undermined EVERYTHING.

Please do your children a favour. Go no contact and protect them from learning to love an abuser, learning to watch an abuser abuse and see how it's normalised, excused, and justified.

Your CHILDREN are the family you have now - YOUR family - not the toxic shitbag who is still making you feel that you are the bottom of the pile.

Don't wait until you have a teenage son sneering in your face, telling you that he doesn't fucking need to listen to you because grandpa says you're a useless bitch who's never done anything for him and he's going out no matter what you say, grandpa's given him money and said he can stay there and he doesn't have to listen to you.

He wrecked your childhood. Don't let him poison your experience of motherhood too.

Ellie56 · 31/12/2021 14:03

Some excellent advice on this thread.

You need to get your kids away from this vile horrible man before he damages your relationship with your children beyond repair.

And as PP said he is NOT all the family you have. Your children are your family now. Cherish them and get them away from this toxic arsehole's damaging influence now.

You don't need him in your life and nor do they. You are all worth so much better than that.

C152 · 31/12/2021 14:13

In all honesty, I would go no contact. He doesn't sound like a good person for you to be around, and I wouldn't want someone rude to me to be around my kids (hello ex FIL). What does that teach them? That it's acceptable to speak to you in that manner? That what he says about you is actually true?

It is sad and hard having no family, but it seems you would be better off without him in this case.

Sewingmachinesssss · 31/12/2021 14:15

Keep visits very short, an hour or two at most. No more overnights, why's he taking your children up to bed when you're there?!

Sewingmachinesssss · 31/12/2021 14:16

My advice was based on you not wanting to go NC.

billy1966 · 31/12/2021 14:17

Vile, abusive man.

Keep him away from your children.

Ozanj · 31/12/2021 14:19

This is emotional abuse. If you’re not careful it will eventually cascade to your kids too - he’s grooming them to think abuse is normal. The best thing you can do to protect your kids is to cut him and his family off cold.

piney07 · 31/12/2021 14:19

Children don’t really NEED a grandparent, and certainly are better off without one who is horrible to their mother. You should go NC or just very low contact.

Chloemol · 31/12/2021 14:20

Short visits, meet with him outside the home on days out or something
So not NC but careful when and how you meet

justasking111 · 31/12/2021 14:22

@piney07

Children don’t really NEED a grandparent, and certainly are better off without one who is horrible to their mother. You should go NC or just very low contact.

Can't agree I loved my grannies and was bereft when they died, they were lovely, have so many memories of them.

Making memories with my own grandchildren now

piney07 · 31/12/2021 14:22

Perfect comment above - he’s wrecked your childhood, don’t let him poison your experience of motherhood too.

Taper off your visits - become quite busy all of a sudden - start visiting less and less frequently and keep visits to a quick afternoon tea rather than anything involving taking kids to bed or bath time etc. Do just enough visiting that you’re able to gaslight HIM if he complains “oh dad I quite sure you’re just being sensitive, we see you loads!”

BigSigh2021 · 31/12/2021 14:23

Why not NC? "No family" = better than "emotionally abusive family".

piney07 · 31/12/2021 14:23

@justasking111 grandparents are completely wonderful and if you have a good one in your life then of course you need that good one!

But children don’t need a grandparent for the sake of having one, if they’re horrid.

IncompleteSenten · 31/12/2021 14:24

I'd tell him clearly to not undermine me and if he did I would get my children and go home.
This would be repeated until he learned to not abuse me

Because that is what this is. You realise that don't you?

He is using your children to hurt you. He is saying things to them that are damaging to them and to you. He is potentially driving a wedge between them and you - team dad and your kids v you, silly useless mummy.

Now I don't know about you, but I think that is something worth protecting children from. Even if that means they don't see grandad and don't get to hear him talk to you like shit.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2021 14:26

@justasking111

No-one needs a grandparent. Not if they're abusive.

EvilPea · 31/12/2021 14:26

I went Incredibly LC with my mum when she started pulling the same shit with my children. It’s hard. Really hard and hurts massively. I may not have back bone to protect myself. But I have them.

Good luck. It’s shit when all you want is to be told your doing a brilliant job, your kids are awesome and you are too. I tried longer than I should because I desperately wanted that. It wasn’t ever going to come no matter how hard I tried. It wasn’t until they were around 7 that she moved on to them. So when they started to get a bit more personality.
It Gauls me, my eldest looks like her, has the same interests, similar personality traits. They should be as thick as thieves.

Clymene · 31/12/2021 14:28

You absolutely can go no contact. If you won't do it for you, do it for your children.

The abusive childhood you experienced stops with your generation. You can make that happen.

justasking111 · 31/12/2021 14:31

[quote piney07]@justasking111 grandparents are completely wonderful and if you have a good one in your life then of course you need that good one!

But children don’t need a grandparent for the sake of having one, if they’re horrid.[/quote]
That's not what I said.

It can be aunties, uncles, cousins, the right family members are important. I say this as someone who went NC with my own mum, but knew my in laws were loving, kind and normal so built up a relationship with them

piney07 · 31/12/2021 14:36

It’s also to remember that people like this are very likely to turn on your children once they are old enough to disagree and be their own person. So right now you might think it’s only you who is suffering and maybe you can sacrifice yourself for what looks like a good relationship between your kids and dad - however when they’re older he will turn on them too had they will have that trauma. But if you go low contact he will have much less power to hurt them.

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