Hate being around DF and kids

[georgarina]

Not sure how to approach this...

I am NC with DM (got taken away from her as a child) so only in touch with DF. And my toddler DCs are very close with him. But I hate being around him with them because of his attitude.

He is basically disrespectful in constant small ways. Asking my DCs in a 'lighthearted' way -'will you be cleverer than Mummy when you grow up? You'll definitely be better at maths than her!' They were just confused because they didn't understand why he would say that, my 3yo saying 'Are you joking?'

He consciously/subconsciously undermines everything I do with them. For example if I say 'it's bathtime' he'll announce loudly 'Let's all watch a film!' or if he's carrying one and I go to wipe their mouth he'll put his shoulder out to shake me off and walk away.

If I want to say anything to him I have to raise my voice and repeat myself 3/4 times because he just ignores me. Or rolls his eyes/sighs with exasperation/contradicts what I've said. Or it's a battle with him, so if I say they can get up from the table and they fall over (for example) he'll make a face and look at me as if to say 'See?'

And he was carrying them upstairs to bed and I was saying goodnight to them and he abruptly says 'That's enough' and walks off with them.

He'll ask his wife for advice on the DCs right in front of me and ignore the fact that I'm right there. He will never ask me for advice or permission to do anything with them.

It's hard to explain because it's just little passive aggressive things all the time. It has been like that since I was a child and it deeply affected me. I told him how I felt yesterday - that I wanted to enjoy being around him with the children but didn't because of these things - and he said 'I know you have your issues and I suspect these things happen far less than you imagine they do.'

I can't go NC because the kids love him and he's all the family I have. But I hate how he makes me feel and I'm terrified the kids will start picking up on it and lose respect for me/treat him as the authority.

WWYD short of going NC?

Honestly, you go NC.

Atm your dcs’love’ their grand dad. Amazing! They love and cherish a man that is teaching them to disrespect you. They love and cherish a man that is constantly undermining you. AND they see you just accept it and carry in going to see him.

What do you think will happen?
Either they will grow to hate him. Because which child is going to love and respect a man who is constantly that is constantly attacking mum?
Or they will take notice, learn and copy the great example he is giving them.

The first possibility is the best one. But really do you want them to go through that?

He sounds like a right horrible fucker. Do you live with him? Did he raise you himself? Was he like this with your mother?

No family is healthier than this family dynamic

You have ONE job, to be the best parent you can be, and that means you keep the crappy people away from them

You know what is going on, and NC IS the only way.

Be brave, it’s FOR the kids. It will be ok, you’ll be fine when he’s out of your lives

Nope. Wouldn’t put myself through that, nor would I let my kids see a man disrespect me like that. They won’t love him if they know he hurts you.

Thanks everyone.

To answer some questions -
We don't live together, we stayed for Christmas and he visits in the day frequently.

I am a single parent.

@frazzledasarock @Skeumorph this is what I am terrified of happening. I don't think he would treat the kids badly, I think he would encourage them to disrespect me. I've already caught them looking to him when I've said no and he'll completely contradict what I've said.

I have tried to go NC before but always went back and he would make some patronising public remark about it, as if I were a child threatening to run away from home.

I really don't know why it is this way. Maybe part of it is that he felt forced to 'take me in' as a child and has told me I was a mistake (as if he wanted me to apologise?) and my grandparents endlessly told me as a teenager I had ruined his life and most fathers would have walked away. They also tried to send me back to my mum's with a S-abusive stepfather.

It was a very painful process accepting my mum would never love or respect me. The idea of doing it again is just so overwhelming.

You walk away. You move house. You dont let him call round. What a fucker

Start by not responding to him and/or being busy when he visits. Pack up the kids and go out when he visits.

Be unavailable.

I went NC with my parents I wish I had a loving and supportive family who could have helped me when I was a struggling single parent. Instead they made my life worse and enjoyed watching me struggle.

If your DC are already looking to their grandfather over you, you need to step away from your toxic father fast. You do not need angry alienated teens on your hands.

If you go no contact he will see you mean business. Do it for a while and then see how you feel. If you decide to let him have involvement later on do so on your terms. Any incident of him undermining you point it out straight away. Don't let him walk away with your child tell him hand them over now. If he goes to put them to bed you say I will do so. If he asks his partner tell him they are your children so any questions should be directed at you as it is not their business. Start hammering home how often he does these things and that you have had enough. Of he carries on cut all ties permanently. Your kids will be better off for it unless you want them growing up treating you like dirt because grandad does.

He is not worthy of you, or of your children. He is already teaching them the opposite, though. I'm sorry, but this won't end well.