To go to a hotel.........

[BonVinBlanc]

NC to avoid being identified, but some advice appreciated.........

My DSS (32) has yet to have his first Covid vaccination and my DH (61) had a heart attack 5 months ago - his recovery is good and he's back working full-time, but he's nonetheless high risk re Covid. We're both triple jabbed and neither have had Covid. My (otherwise healthy) dad died from Covid early on in the pandemic so I'm probably a little paranoid about it.

DH and I are on annual leave for 2 weeks and decided to pretty much isolate - ie we're not socialising, having anyone round, going to the cinema, etc, only shopping for food really. We spent Christmas Day just the two of us and it was really nice. The only thing we're doing is going out for a long walk every day (we live in the country, so we don't really come across anyone).

DSS is doing some decorating and laying carpets. DH today offered to help him. I'm beyond pissed off for two reasons. Firstly, if my DH gets Covid, it could turn out badly. Secondly, we had an agreement that we'd pretty much isolate to avoid getting Covid at this point. I accept we'll probably get it eventually, but now doesn't seem a good time given the pressures on the NHS.

If DH helps him, then it'll be tomorrow and then on the 3rd and 4th January. I'm thinking of saying that I'm going to check into a Premier Inn about 10 miles away for the next week. No big arguments, but I just feel that DH is taking too much of a risk. As well as DSS not giving a jot about Covid, there are 4 DGCs all under 10 - so all at school/nursery but none jabbed. I therefore feel that DH would be playing Russian Roulette as to whether DSS might have Covid.

Thanks for reading, AIBU?

YABU. It’s your step sons choice whether to have the vaccine, which doesn’t prevent transmission anyway. You can’t avoid covid forever. I’m triple jabbed but caught covid in November 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry hit post too early. Caught it in November and had very mild symptoms and was fine. If you’re vaccinated stop worrying about what other people are doing.

Slightly over the top, dss jabbed, you and dh jabbed.
What are you waiting for? as you know, from your dh recent heart attack, tomorrows not promised. You have to live your life at some point. Why not now?

Sorry I thought dss was jabbed, but still, you need to live your life, or die in a bubble

So this is all about relieving the possible pressure on the NHS?

In that case I think YABU.

What makes you think you'll be less likely to catch it at your local Premier Inn, where thousands of people stay?

You're putting a lot of trust in their desanitising routine.

Wow Autumn how very empathetic of you to someone who last their father to this.

OP if it makes you feel better, go to a hotel. YANBU as you aren't asking anyone to do anything, just you exiting a situation you don't want to be in. How in earth anyone could think that's U is beyond me. If you tell DSS he's a twat for not having the jab on the way out of the house, maybe a tiny bit U.

It’s your H who is increased risk because of his heart condition. You’ve been triple jabbed. There doesn’t seem to be any reason why you’d need to go to a hotel, unless you fancy a break (or want to make a point).

I had to read this twice as I was sure I had misunderstood and you were in fact at risk but no, it’s your DH. Why, If your DH is at risk, would YOU check yourself into a hotel? Unless just to punish him or something? He can assess his own risks, and live his life accordingly. You have no reason personally to feel the need to hide away in a hotel I think. I’m sorry about your father

If you're worried so much about getting covid that you're mixing into a hotel for 10-14 days (around people who's vaccination status and personal hygiene standards are unknown) how will you cope with you both returning to work shortly?

Thanks, all. I think I probably am being a bit sensitive as my dad died 3 weeks after testing positive in May 2020 and I think I'm just really worried that DH gets it and...... doesn't respond well, shall we say?

I'm 10 years younger than DH and no underlying conditions, so I think it's probably about trying to control the situation, if I'm being honest. I think I'm maybe just super scared and therefore OTT.

The bit about the NHS was just that they're apparently at capacity in our local hospitals, so I'm worried that DH wouldn't be able to be admitted if he got it and otherwise needed hospitalised.

DSS hasn't had a jab as he "hasn't had the time" - no objection in principle. He has also pretended to be medically exempt from a mask throughout this whole pandemic and therefore didn't wear a mask in shops/on public transport when it was mandatory.

But the posts so far have been helpful. Maybe I just need to chill.

You are being incredibly unreasonable, and disturbingly controlling; you dont own your DH. It struck me that your DH is likely using the DIY as an excuse to see his DS and DGC's (given he wasnt able/allowed to over Christmas).

Without being and sounding too blunt YABU.
You can’t live your life like that your husband could have another heart attack tomorrow and die? There are no guarantees in life so while your still here and you can live it to the fullest!

Ps just to add I’m sorry you lost your father early on in the pandemic that is obviously the making reason you being so scared which is understandable. But you just can’t live life that way.
Take care x

in your place I'd go away somewehre nice to make a point - you won't be comfortable with DSS in the house, so likely to be an atmosphere.
Find somewhere more interesting than the premier inn down the road though!

@GaolBhoAlba

You are being incredibly unreasonable, and disturbingly controlling; you dont own your DH. It struck me that your DH is likely using the DIY as an excuse to see his DS and DGC's (given he wasnt able/allowed to over Christmas).

How is it controlling to leave? FFS. She's not making anyone else do anything else. They've decided their level of risk and imposed it on OP. DSS sounds like a twat FWIW.

It's unlikely she'll catch it and get seriously ill. But DSS is the wanker here, not OP.

Some solitude in a hotel might be nice anyway. I don't think it will help much because you could still catch it after you come back and it's probably impractical to stay away for weeks. If it makes you feel better though, it won't be hurting anyone. It's good that you're able to recognise where the desire comes from, it sounds like you're doing a good job processing all your feelings about it. It's understandable that you'd feel more worried after what you've been through.

@GaolBhoAlba

You are being incredibly unreasonable, and disturbingly controlling; you dont own your DH. It struck me that your DH is likely using the DIY as an excuse to see his DS and DGC's (given he wasnt able/allowed to over Christmas).

Yes, I think there's an element of what you say. We normally have 2 DGCs to stay on a Tuesday and the other 2 on Thursdays. We did this until the middle of December when all the after school clubs stopped. At that point we decided to give mixing a break because of the way Omicron was rising. They'll all come back to stay w/c 10th Jan.

Although not biologically mine, I see my DGCs as mine too. I held every one of them on the day they were born and I love them with all my heart.

I think dh is mad too, but he’s the one at risk, I guess.

You say you are concerned for your husband...but how will you going to a hotel help that?

It sounds like you want your husband to yourself and you don’t like his son and don’t want your husband to see him.

So going to a hotel is nothing more than you having a strop? I can understand you being concerned but the hotel thing makes no sense as your husband, who is apparently the one you’re concerned with, will still be at risk if he sees his son. So you’re going off to a hotel to make a point? If it’s genuine concern girls your husband, then discuss your concerns with him. Maybe ask him to meet his son and grandchildren outside to see them and not help him decorate. I think that would be reasonable under the circumstances. And if it’s pressure on the NHS you’re worried about, get him to get healthier so he doesn’t need treatment for another heart attack.

I think some PP are being a bit harsh. It’s understandable you feel the way you do after loosing your father to Covid and it’s obvious you love and care about your DH.

I don’t think it would make sense for you to go to a hotel though. Have you spoken to DH about why your worried? It doesn’t sound like the best idea being around unvaccinated adults and children when he is vulnerable to be honest!

10 days self isolating in a hotel sounds AMAZING but still YABU but I think you know that let him see his family and live his life. The biggest risk to you both isn't covid - it's the lack of hospital beds and ambulances should you need one for something else. That's the biggest risk to all of us who are vaccinated.

OP you cannot be the master of destiny toward people with different opinions who are quite capable of making informed decisions for themselves.
Good luck in a hotel room while you isolate.

@Vegetalienne

You say you are concerned for your husband...but how will you going to a hotel help that?

It sounds like you want your husband to yourself and you don’t like his son and don’t want your husband to see him.

So going to a hotel is nothing more than you having a strop? I can understand you being concerned but the hotel thing makes no sense as your husband, who is apparently the one you’re concerned with, will still be at risk if he sees his son. So you’re going off to a hotel to make a point? If it’s genuine concern girls your husband, then discuss your concerns with him. Maybe ask him to meet his son and grandchildren outside to see them and not help him decorate. I think that would be reasonable under the circumstances. And if it’s pressure on the NHS you’re worried about, get him to get healthier so he doesn’t need treatment for another heart attack.

The going to a hotel bit was really to make a point as we'd already agreed to not see anyone for a few weeks, esp someone who's had no vaccinations and is cavalier re Covid at best. But I take your first point and think you're probably right. This is the whole reason I asked - ie because I thought I was BU.

However, if there are any undertones of "not liking" my DSS or DGCs then this isn't the case. DSS frustrates me and there are times I could kill him (not literally, of course). But I've brought him up since he was 2 years old and love him to bits.

I'm just really conflicted as I know DSS isn't bothered about Covid and I'm sh*t scared that he ends up getting it and passes it on to DH.

I completely understand you wanting to minimize risk, and the obvious (to me) solution is to say that DSS can’t come to your house. He’s not vaxed and considers himself mask-exempt, so he brings greater risk to your household.

Then I would ask your husband to only meet his son outside. I presume when your husband had the heart attack, you took a lot of the strain of things that needed doing whilst he was out of action, tell him that and that you want to avoid going through that again if possible. As well as obviously being worried about the risk to his own health. He should take your concerns seriously. I suppose it difficult to ‘argue’ this point though when you are going to be looking after your grandchildren in a couple of weeks but I’d just say you want to minimise the risk as much as you can whilst you can.