To go to a hotel.........

[BonVinBlanc]

NC to avoid being identified, but some advice appreciated.........

My DSS (32) has yet to have his first Covid vaccination and my DH (61) had a heart attack 5 months ago - his recovery is good and he's back working full-time, but he's nonetheless high risk re Covid. We're both triple jabbed and neither have had Covid. My (otherwise healthy) dad died from Covid early on in the pandemic so I'm probably a little paranoid about it.

DH and I are on annual leave for 2 weeks and decided to pretty much isolate - ie we're not socialising, having anyone round, going to the cinema, etc, only shopping for food really. We spent Christmas Day just the two of us and it was really nice. The only thing we're doing is going out for a long walk every day (we live in the country, so we don't really come across anyone).

DSS is doing some decorating and laying carpets. DH today offered to help him. I'm beyond pissed off for two reasons. Firstly, if my DH gets Covid, it could turn out badly. Secondly, we had an agreement that we'd pretty much isolate to avoid getting Covid at this point. I accept we'll probably get it eventually, but now doesn't seem a good time given the pressures on the NHS.

If DH helps him, then it'll be tomorrow and then on the 3rd and 4th January. I'm thinking of saying that I'm going to check into a Premier Inn about 10 miles away for the next week. No big arguments, but I just feel that DH is taking too much of a risk. As well as DSS not giving a jot about Covid, there are 4 DGCs all under 10 - so all at school/nursery but none jabbed. I therefore feel that DH would be playing Russian Roulette as to whether DSS might have Covid.

Thanks for reading, AIBU?

From your description it seems pretty likely the son has had covid already and will have some natural immunity. Is your husband well enough to be doing physical work, should he be helping out at this stage anyway? How long ago was his booster? Potentially I agree that he’d be better not to mix with his son at this point but there doesn’t seem much point in isolating now if the week after he’ll be working outside the house and you’ll have the grandchildren round.

@BungleandGeorge

From your description it seems pretty likely the son has had covid already and will have some natural immunity. Is your husband well enough to be doing physical work, should he be helping out at this stage anyway? How long ago was his booster? Potentially I agree that he’d be better not to mix with his son at this point but there doesn’t seem much point in isolating now if the week after he’ll be working outside the house and you’ll have the grandchildren round.

Yes, I agree. I think it was our attempt at a kinda personal circuit breaker which we ( ie both of us) decided to do and talked about finishing work on Christmas Eve and, as my DH put it, hibernating. We're both back on Wednesday 12th Jan as we've both got a lot of unused leave, so it's almost 3 weeks of trying to avoid Covid.

Just a thought......... maybe forget the word "step". I think a lot of the comments, whilst valuable, maybe imply of love and this isn't the case. He's really my son for all intents and purposes.

The question is simple - we've agreed to isolate for a few weeks as cases are sky rocketing and my DH is high risk. Now he's talking about spending tens of hours with someone who hasn't had the first dose and who's cavalier about Covid.

I think that's irresponsible.

Massively irresponsible and absolutely fine for the whole "it's his choice" brigade but if he gets ill it will be youwho has to deal with the outcome or nurse him if necessary so a long term relationship it isn't as simple as his choice, you discussed it and made a joint decision which he has now gone back on leaving you in a understandably fearful situation, you have every right to feel cross. What does he say when you explain how scared you are for the outcomes if he contracted it in relation to what happened to your father? He really should be respectful of that. Could you meet half way, agree that doors and windows will be open for air to circulation and that you will either stay away or upstairs. Could it be left a few weeks till the local hospitals are less full? He should at least be considering your feelings as it has a massive impact on you.

@HiJenny35

Massively irresponsible and absolutely fine for the whole "it's his choice" brigade but if he gets ill it will be youwho has to deal with the outcome or nurse him if necessary so a long term relationship it isn't as simple as his choice, you discussed it and made a joint decision which he has now gone back on leaving you in a understandably fearful situation, you have every right to feel cross. What does he say when you explain how scared you are for the outcomes if he contracted it in relation to what happened to your father? He really should be respectful of that. Could you meet half way, agree that doors and windows will be open for air to circulation and that you will either stay away or upstairs. Could it be left a few weeks till the local hospitals are less full? He should at least be considering your feelings as it has a massive impact on you.

Thanks - this response pretty much sums up the whole thing for me.

@Catcrazy83

Sorry I thought dss was jabbed, but still, you need to live your life, or die in a bubble

That's easy for someone who isn't CEV to say. Try going through nearly a year of chemo then see if you try going through nearly a year of chemo, surgery and radiotherapy then see if you feel the same. I didn't go through that to catch Covid and die. I went through it to prolong my life to see my grandchildren grow up. Or should I have not bothered? After all, we all have to die sooner or later. I'd rather it was from something that wasn't preventable though.

@BonVinBlanc

Just a thought......... maybe forget the word "step". I think a lot of the comments, whilst valuable, maybe imply of love and this isn't the case. He's really my son for all intents and purposes.

The question is simple - we've agreed to isolate for a few weeks as cases are sky rocketing and my DH is high risk. Now he's talking about spending tens of hours with someone who hasn't had the first dose and who's cavalier about Covid.

I think that's irresponsible.

Maybe your DH isn't as happy to live in isolation wasting precious time when nobody knows hats around the corner. Covid has taken nearly two years of our lives already.

I don't see how your step son not being vaccinated is triggering this reaction. Why do you need to go to a hotel? You and your husband being vaccinated is the key thing here, you are protected as much as possible from serious illness, your step son is putting his own health at risk by choosing not too vaccinate, not yours or your husbands.

You’re more likely to have an accident on your way to or from the premier inn than you are to become seriously ill with COVID if you are otherwise healthy and have been triple vaxxed.

I think people are being a bit insensitive including your DH. It must be really hard to lose your father abs then worry the same might happen to your DH.

I think it's annoying DH has gone back on what he's said but you can't control him. I get annoyed at my DH who was seeing friends the week before Christmas when I was hermitting so we could see parents on Christmas Day but I didn't stop him from doing what he wanted.

I’d be annoyed with DSS in this scenario tbh. And DH. I think it’s completely understandable that you want to keep DH safe. Of course people can choose whether to have the vaccine or not, but if you choose not then surely you don’t spend time with people who are clinically vulnerable?!

I completely empathise with you OP but I don't think the premier inn is the answer, as there you are exposing yourself to unknown levels of risk (could be fine, could be an aerosol trail all down the corridor if a superspreader guest happened to be there). To avoid exposure you'd need to eat in your room or outside. Could be a little grim. I would concentrate on making home as safe as possible instead, which we will all want to do eventually.

If you have money to spend on hotel, consider investing in a portable HEPA filter air purifier instead. Your DH can have it at the place he's decorating (still also have windows open as much as possible), then you can have it in your home. Make sure you get the right size for the rooms you want to run it in. If he is comfortable to wear a mask while working he should do.

Do you both use high quality masks at least FFP2 standard or higher? These are hugely protective in any situation you can feasibly wear a mask (we do this in the car with our partially vaccinated secondary age children)

If they are decorating won’t they be having windows open to get rid of paint smells etc?
Can you encourage DH to open them a bit wider and wear a thick jumper.

I feel for you OP. I’d be having a convo with your son to spell out his dad’s vulnerabilities and your fear based on this and having lost your dad . I think understandably you are worried. Would daily LFTs make you feel a wee bit better? You could also ask your son to wear a mask around his dad and ask him to consider going to get his vaccines given he is not opposed to this x

My parents have put themselves in prison in their own homes and refuse to see any of us. I honestly think I won't see them again before they die. My father has heart problems also. I cant live like this. Id rather get covid than live as a hermit.
I'm 60 with health problems, am triple jabbed and have worked in hospital as a medical professional everyday for the last 2 years with covid patients and I've never contracted covid.

I feel sad when people say they're not socialising and completely isolating except food shopping. Supermarkets are mass indoor events! Seeing tested friends and getting online shopping is much safer!

It sounds like your DH wasn't truly on board with your plans to isolate. Of course he wants to see his DS and his DGC, just as I understand that because of your circumstances you're very nervous about it.

I think you must do what you want, but you cannot force your DH to comply.

Not the same exactly but my 84 year old DM is very nervous about DF 89 catching covid, so the poor man has hardly been out the door since Feb 20 ( she is an early adopter). He'd happily take his chances - as he says he is 89 - but no, even when cases were low and restrictions lifted last summer DM had a nebulous stomach complaint when I tried to organise for us to meet for an outdoor meal.

There's a difference between being alive and living.

What’s the point of you going if the main risk is your husband? If he does get it he might need you around to help

Could he not lateral flow test directly before coming over each day? And work with the windows open? Your dh could wear a mask too. Sounds like he wants to spend time with his son.

I think you need to accept that your DH isn’t as COVID averse as you want him to be. I am double jabbed and as much as I don’t want COVID, it’s looking more like when and not if, I get it. I’m vaccinated to hopefully lessen the severity of the illness should I catch it, what others do or don’t do is up to them.

I’m sorry for your loss and totally understand your frustration but it is your DH’s choice to take the risks he’s taking, this isn’t a DSS issue.

I think you should try to worry less now that you have had three vaccines. I don’t think it will be bad if you or your husband get it. In some ways, if you do get it mildly, you can stop worrying so much and start living your life a bit more again.

YANBU.

Doubke and booster jabs friend caught covid and is very poorly.

Stupid to say might as well get it as all will eventually. Not the case.

presumably your dh didn't discuss changing your arrangement ?

How are you going to isolate in a premier inn? Food? How are you going to cook? So you're going to eat out? Isn't that a big risk?

@Beachgirl33

I feel for you OP. I’d be having a convo with your son to spell out his dad’s vulnerabilities and your fear based on this and having lost your dad . I think understandably you are worried. Would daily LFTs make you feel a wee bit better? You could also ask your son to wear a mask around his dad and ask him to consider going to get his vaccines given he is not opposed to this x

His dad has full capacity and is able to do all that himself..... if he so wishes.

The issue is that you will be exposed again when you return to work. Unless you are going toive in your bubble for the foreseeable future there will be a risk. It is also unreasonable to try and force your view on your husband.

So sorry for your loss, OP. DH's heart attack must have been a really worrying time too You say that booking the hotel would be to make a point. I'd suggest gently taking up that point with DH directly instead - explain to him your worries and ask him how he's feeling and what he wants to do. It may be that the heart attack has pushed him in the other direction - i.e. he's keen to now make the most of spending time with family etc. If that is how he feels I would try to accept it and just look at ways of keeping the risks as low as possible. You could still keep your contact with others minimal if you're happy with that, your DSS and DH could try to ensure others are out when they do the fitting, or otherwise have done LFTs. All the best - I think how you're feeling is completely understandable in the circumstances but it's worth a good chat with DH and I don't think a hotel for you is the answer.