Name changed for this as other posts are identifying. This post probably is too but I guess I'll deal with that if necessary. Posting here for traffic as I'm massively panicking.
I've been on long term sick leave from work, signed off by GP for the last ~3 months. I also got signed off for about 2 months late 2020 and had a phased return to work. I work an office job for a large company. For context the pandemic hit the company hard and they are struggling financially, I don't know if this affects my case.
I'm diagnosed with mixed depressive and anxiety disorder but I think I have ptsd due to a traumatic event in my early teens. However when I was diagnosed I wasn't really believed/taken seriously so I don't think they considered a PTSD diagnosis. Psychiatrists I've seen since and mentioned PTSD which is why I bring it up. I have horrible nightmares, anxiety, frequent extremely low moods and suicidal thoughts, difficulty sleeping, my concentration is totally shot. Plus more but that's the basics. This has made it impossible for me to do my job which requires full concentration all day and is kind of stressful. I've been trying to get therapy for years but for multiple reasons all my attempts have basically failed in the end. e.g. One provider kept sympathising with my abuser, I honestly think things have been worse since that. Waiting lists are months and months long.
I switched antidepressants recently and had been starting to feel a bit better, able to do a couple of bits around the house every couple of days and my anxiety has been a lot better. I don't think i could do my job yet but I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel I think. Work also said they may be able to pay for some trauma therapy for me and referred me to occupational health.
The occupational health appointment was this morning, I missed it. I hadn't been able to get to sleep until a couple of hours before the appointment and I slept right through my alarm. I completely forgot the appointment was today in my panic about not sleeping. I can't believe how fucking stupid I am honestly. My boss is very busy so I've tried rearranging it myself but I don't know if I can do that or if they'll need another referral from my boss. I don't want to piss off my boss because I feel like I'm relying on their good will to keep my job right now. Obviously I let my boss know, over message, and apologised about 5 times.
OH sent me a summary of the missed appointment which included the questions my boss wanted them to answer in the assessment. It was things like, can I return to work in the next month, will I need more sickness absence. This has massively compounded my fears after missing the appointment and now I'm feeling like I'm going to get fired. I don't know if I can return to work in the next 4 weeks or if I'll need more sick leave in the future. I need proper good therapy which I don't think I'll be able to get any time soon if work don't pay for it. The antidepressants are helping so far but it's not enough. I don't know if we'll be able to survive on just DP's salary and honestly I don't want to do that to him. I'm already a shit partner with my depression, I'm useless. And I love him so much. I already don't earn very much as work have been holding off a big payrise until I'm back - if they'll even still give me that anyway - which is why I can't afford the therapy but obviously one person's salary is a big difference. We're young and I'm not qualified to do anything but my field. I don't think I could cope with getting a new job right now. And I'm scared how losing my job would affect my mental health even more.
Sorry this post has been a long rant I wanted to give the details. Basically I've fucked up by missing this appointment and just generally being so ill and I'm terrified I'm going to lose my job. Can they even do that? The doctor signed me off sick so I thought I'd be okay but now I'm not so sure. I'm spiralling so much already and I'm so scared. Is there anything I can do to show willing? What would you do?
Thank you so much for anyone who reads this.