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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be dreading my return to work?

61 replies

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 11:06

I've been on maternity leave since March and I'm due back at work next week. I'm starting to feel really stressed and anxious and have managed to convince myself I won't be able to cope with juggling life as a working mum. I've also convinced myself that my baby will forget about me or think I've abandoned her when she's at childcare. I haven't left her with anyone except her Dad or the childminder for longer than 3 hours so far, only a handful of times, and I was incredibly anxious the whole time. I have to leave her for 8 hours next week - the whole day. Im going to miss her so badly and I'll be worried constantly. I'm considering quitting my job it's so unbearable to think of leaving her.

Is this a normal level of worry and anxiety? Can anyone help me to get my head around it all? I haven't had very helpful responses from family or friends hence my post here. My head is such a mess and my heart is really hurting. This will be ok, won't it?

OP posts:

madisonbridges · 30/12/2021 11:12

It's normal. If you can afford to quit, then that might be an option. But you have to go back anyway, don't you, if only to resign. So why not go back in a more positive frame of mind and think of the good things, like socialising with friends. Slowly it will seem more normal leaving her and you'll adjust. Give it a few months before you make any drastic decisions.

Original poster

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 11:23

Thanks for your reply. I can't really afford to quit, that's the hardest part. I sort of have to go back. I'm trying to turn it around into something more positive but each time I try I come back the same thing - I'm a shit mother because I'm abandoning my baby. That's all I can think.

OP posts:

nicelyneurotic · 30/12/2021 11:28

This is completely normal and it does get easier. You'll be pleased you kept your career in a few years time. The first week is the hardest so just try to get through that as best you can.

HunterGatherer · 30/12/2021 11:29

I felt the same and quit my job. Then had 2 more DC in quick succession. Took a 6 year career break in all.
Emotionally, I don't regret it BUT career wise and financially, I took a hit and have never got back to where I was. My DC are early 20s now and I've just enrolled on my masters.
All you can do is try it and see how it works, whilst you work back your mat leave obligations. You can change your mind at any point.

HunterGatherer · 30/12/2021 11:32

No one will think you are a bad mum OP. If they judge you for having to make enough for a ecent lifestyle then they aren't worth the time of day.
20 years ago it was easier to give up work, we bought our first home for less than my DD has had to save up for a deposit.

Yubaba · 30/12/2021 11:36

I remember that first shift back after dc1.
I cried the entire time I had dc 2&3 in quick succession but i carried on working, they are all teenagers these days and I’m glad I kept my job, it meant that I didn’t lose my skills and I could keep my professional registration.
It didn’t stop it being hard though.

Original poster

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 11:39

Thanks for all your replies.
Do you think I'll be judged for being emotional on my first week back? I honestly don't know how I'm going to answer the question "how are you" without bursting into tears. It's awful.

OP posts:

SleighbellsZ · 30/12/2021 11:39

Totally normal op.
I cried the whole bus journey to work.
It does get easier and work started to become my break 😅

mobear · 30/12/2021 11:39

I could have afforded not to return to work (but I wanted to) and felt the way you did. I’d never left DS at all except for maybe an hour with his father. However, I worked through my anxiety about it and it is now fine. I start to miss him a lot around 4pm elm the days he’s in nursery but that’s not long before pick-up.

Original poster

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 11:41

Did any of you have worries about something bad happening to your baby when they're in childcare? I have a fantastic childminder, couldn't ask for better, very pleased with my choice. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm the single best person to meet my baby's needs and that something could go wrong if I take my eyes off her? Not sure if that makes any sense, it's a garbled mess in my head.

OP posts:

Tabbacus · 30/12/2021 11:42

@Returningtoworkstress

Thanks for all your replies. Do you think I'll be judged for being emotional on my first week back? I honestly don't know how I'm going to answer the question "how are you" without bursting into tears. It's awful.

Are you doing a phased return? Someone returning from maternity leave won't be anything new, some have probably done it themselves! Without being blunt if you can't afford to quit then you have to just get on with it, I'm sure many of us have felt the same, but usually a few shifts in it starts to feel like normal again. My little one loved the childminders as well, I'm sure yours will too.

Tabbacus · 30/12/2021 11:44

But I can't shake the feeling that I'm the single best person to meet my baby's needs and that something could go wrong if I take my eyes off her?

Personally no, but I doubt it's that uncommon.

madisonbridges · 30/12/2021 11:45

No one ever thinks that earning money to look after your child makes you a,shit parent. They think it makes you a responsible and loving parent. Half if the female workforce will gave children. They all know how you feel. Honestly it does get easier. And there will come a time when your kids are whining or fighting or tantrumming that you'll think, I wish I was at work!

StarfishDish · 30/12/2021 11:45

@Returningtoworkstress Hi OP 👋

I went back after having my little girl and I was the same as you. The thought of going back made me feel sick! However, im so glad that I did go back.

Nursery three days a week and 2 days with grandparents and our daughter absolutely loves it! She gets so happy when she gets to nursery and sees her grandparents.

I feel like im a lot happier at work too. I get hot cuppas and adult conversations. It does get easier, I promise.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2021 11:47

You’re nervous for the first few days or weeks until,you realise your child is totally fine and well cared for, you’re totally fine, enjoying work and getting a break, spending quality time with your child and that your child is learning a very important skill at this stage, to be away from you happily. They never forget who their mum is. Don’t worry.

Bingomangoes · 30/12/2021 11:49

All completely normal including the bit about feeling you're the best person to take care of her. I felt the same 11 years ago with mine and I have comforted colleagues returning to work in the years since then, if you have half decent colleagues they'll understand whether they're parents or not. My manager at the time was a single male no kids and he was fantastic (and yes, I cried).

Sparklingbrook · 30/12/2021 11:49

I think it's one of those things where the thought of it was worse than the reality for me.
I got myself in a right old state, cried all the way to work. Then once I'd got through everyone asking 'How's DS/how old is he now etc with everyone I concentrated on the job.
then I'd feel guilty for not thinking about him!
I started to enjoy the sociable lunchtimes, the office chat and then returning to DS who was ever so pleased to see me but had had a good day himself.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 30/12/2021 11:49

Yes I remember exactly this.
If you are physically going back into a workplace then your brain and emotions will most likely disconnect from home and your baby (only whilst you are there). You'll surprise yourself. By lunchtime on my first day back I felt like I had never left and over time I promise you you will appreciate the dimension that working outside the home brings to your life.

I would say what's more important is.. keep your financial independence! I too didn't have the option of not going back to work but I'm so glad I didn't! Many women in your shoes could never have predicted their marriages breaking down when they had young children.

Of course I hope yours never does, but none of us can know for certain , and (in my opinion - I appreciate it might not be everyone's) earning your own money is the best thing to do. Good luck!

SpinsForGin · 30/12/2021 11:51

You will cope and your child will be absolutely fine.
I returned full time and DS never forgot who I was (in fact we're super close) and he really thrives in childcare. He still talks fondly about his nursery.

I also felt better for working as I really wasn't suited to staying at home.

It's natural to be anxious but it will all work out.

SpinsForGin · 30/12/2021 11:54

@Returningtoworkstress

You are not a shit mother for providing financially for your child. Nobody ever tells men they are shit dads for working or accuses them of abandoning their children.

laurenGame · 30/12/2021 11:55

Following with interest as I'm career driven and am about to have a baby (in 5 months).
I do wonder how I'll feel as I see myself become emotional leaving the baby "behind" whilst working.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 30/12/2021 12:01

Also just to add.. my children (now 14 and 11) have such positive and fond memories of their childminder who they both went to from 9 months. They did way more with her than I ever could have done with me. Different parks / farms/ animal zoos with a whole crowd of other children- a much richer experience than being at home with me. If you can try and reframe it and think about what your DD will be getting out of it rather than what you or she will be 'losing' then it might help you feel a little happier.

Haggisfish3 · 30/12/2021 12:04

You’re a fantastic mother and providing an excellent role model for dd (not saying sahm don’t). It is hard the first while but dc thrive in nursery or at child minders.

RobinPenguins · 30/12/2021 12:05

I'm trying to turn it around into something more positive but each time I try I come back the same thing - I'm a shit mother because I'm abandoning my baby. That's all I can think.

Is that what you think of other mothers who return to work? Is that what you think of your baby’s father? Is that what you think of friends or family members who are working mothers?

If you do, you have issues. If you don’t, afford yourself the same grace.

Of course your baby is not going to forget you. You might miss her but actually I found once I was at work, I didn’t. That part of me switched off while I was there. I’m sure you won’t be negatively judged for feeling emotional, but you do rather sound like you’re building this up in your head based on “what ifs” more than on reality.

It is what it is. You just have to get on with it. You might even find you enjoy it.

Sanch1 · 30/12/2021 12:10

I'm the same and this is my third! Been off 13 months and back in 3 weeks, absolutely dreading it. Telling myself it'll be fine once back in the swing if it! Doesn't people telling you to quit or go part time when they don't your situation.

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