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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be dreading my return to work?

61 replies

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 11:06

I've been on maternity leave since March and I'm due back at work next week. I'm starting to feel really stressed and anxious and have managed to convince myself I won't be able to cope with juggling life as a working mum. I've also convinced myself that my baby will forget about me or think I've abandoned her when she's at childcare. I haven't left her with anyone except her Dad or the childminder for longer than 3 hours so far, only a handful of times, and I was incredibly anxious the whole time. I have to leave her for 8 hours next week - the whole day. Im going to miss her so badly and I'll be worried constantly. I'm considering quitting my job it's so unbearable to think of leaving her.

Is this a normal level of worry and anxiety? Can anyone help me to get my head around it all? I haven't had very helpful responses from family or friends hence my post here. My head is such a mess and my heart is really hurting. This will be ok, won't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 13:49

@Oatsamazing

My DD started at nursery 3 months ago (aged 11 months) when I returned to work. She loves it now, doesn't look back when I drop her off. The first few days were awful for me, I kept imaging nursery calling to tell me something awful had happened. Each week got easier and now I love being able to go to work and have my own time. It's also made me realise I was being very precious about some things, I was terrified my DD would choke so still cutting food up small. I couldn't believe it when I picked her up one day and she was eating a breadstick. I think if I stayed at home with her I might have held her back in some ways. I'm a very anxious person though, so might not be the same for others.

I can relate to a lot of this. I'm also a highly anxious person. I keep picturing really bad things happening to her at the childminders which is just based on nothing, it's just my own fears spiralling out of control.

OP posts:

SpinsForGin · 30/12/2021 13:49

@sparkleywallpaper

My comments are by no means meant to be judgemental or goady and I admit to being on the mature side of a lot of people on this site. As a young Mum I dreaded the thought of returning to work and made the decision to work unsocial hours which curtailed my earning capacity and was a 'step down' to the qualifications I held. I appreciate times have changed but I neither hear or see many Mums or Dads discuss part time work /unsocial hours where parents can jointly manage childcare. I returned to work on evening shifts and then night shifts with a little assistance of babysitters, Most of my working week was managed with childcare between my husband and myself. Many of my friends did the same. When and why did things change so much?

One big change is women not wanting to 'step down' from their career.

Onatree · 30/12/2021 13:53

Significant mother issues at my end too which are currently on the surface as she’s visiting after 3.5 years from halfway across world.

I’m realising that the two single most important things I have gifted to myself are -

My career and staying with it
Therapy. Investing seriously into 2 years of good therapy which meant trying and trying till I found the right fit. It’s allowed the space to reflect on childhood and identity and experiences at a distance over extended time and this has calmed and caressed me to develop confidence.

Perhaps this might help ?

sparkleywallpaper · 30/12/2021 14:05

@SpinsForGin
It's perhaps a generation thing or maybe my upbringing but I never saw the 2 as compatible.
I 'stepped down' and returned to my career (after a short re-training course) 10 years later and my career didn't suffer. I feel lucky that I was able to do this but I had my (now ExH"s) full support.

Classicblunder · 30/12/2021 14:12

@sparkleywallpaper

Lots of parents work part time - I do as does my DH. I never considered night shifts as that isn't the type of job either of us have and also it seems a bit miserable never to see your DH, to reduce childcare bills, you would end up hardly sleeping, it's not that appealing.

I think the other thing going on is that childcare has massively improved in quality and the perception of it has as well. My kids enjoy and get a lot out of nursery, I don't think being at home with a sleep deprived parent who has just come off the night shift would be better for them

SpinsForGin · 30/12/2021 14:17

[quote sparkleywallpaper]@SpinsForGin
It's perhaps a generation thing or maybe my upbringing but I never saw the 2 as compatible.
I 'stepped down' and returned to my career (after a short re-training course) 10 years later and my career didn't suffer. I feel lucky that I was able to do this but I had my (now ExH"s) full support.[/quote]
It's a combination of many factors.

Many households rely on two incomes so it isn't practical to take a hit financially.

Lots of careers aren't compatible with a significant career break - in my career it would be pretty much impossible to take a 10 year break and it not have an impact.

Also, many women actually want to have a career as well as a family so they make it work.

sparkleywallpaper · 30/12/2021 14:18

Just to clarify I only worked nights once my children were at school so I was able to sleep and be around for drop off and pick ups.
It's good to hear that the perception of childcare has improved as I am a childminder now providing wraparound care !!

gingerbreadsocks · 30/12/2021 14:29

I remember this. I cried the entire night before work. I was so so sad but I had to go back ft when dd was 6 months.

I did get on ok eventually but the job I once enjoyed had no pull factor anymore and whatever anyone says my dc came above
my career or job, this was just to me personally and not saying it's for everyone but when they reached school age I couldn't do it all anymore, dc started to fall behind at school so I did everything I could to cut back so we could afford to live on dh income. As a family we're all much happier this way. I work pt now in a wfh job and I really hope I never have to go back ft!

TheToddlerLife · 30/12/2021 16:16

Hmm tbh I was looking forward to going back out into society and earning some money. I didn't like eating into our savings and being dependent on DH in the final months (I took a year off), although I couldn't fault him, he was really supportive.
Plus I found looking after a baby all day, every day quite intense.
I did feel bad when she cried at handover initially, but she got used to it pretty quickly and now our time together feels more special. She goes 3 days a week which feels like a nice balance of home and nursery.
But, how you're feeling is perfectly valid. The first month back will be a shock to the system. I felt exhausted but then we settled into the new routine.
I would say, if you're going to quit your job, consider all the pros and cons rationally and in an objective way, don't just do it on a whim when you're feeling emotional.

tsmainsqueeze · 30/12/2021 17:41

I know exactly how you are feeling after doing the same thing 3 times !
Everything you are feeling is normal.
With my 1st baby i felt like an alien when i went back , i remember coming home and telling my husband that i would stay a month then hand my notice in , after the 1st week it felt like i had never been away that baby is now 25 and i still work there.
I felt sad, guilty ,missed my babies but there were times that i was so glad to be leaving them for the relative peace of work sometimes.
Every one of the moms i know feel / felt the same as you .

Sarah180818 · 30/12/2021 20:41

I find once I get to work, I'm in a different zone and I don't think about the children as much. Hopefully, once you have been back a few days you will find a new mornal and feel better. I also love picking my son up from nursery and hearing all about his day.

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