Page 2 | To be dreading my return to work?

PinkiOcelot · 30/12/2021 12:12

I could have written your post OP. I hated the thought of leaving DD. She was going to be with her dad 2 days and nursery 2 days. Of course her dad took her to his mum’s those 2 days. I actually took against my MIL because I felt she was spending more time with my dd than I was. Irrational I know, but that was how I felt.
I guess what I’m saying is, your feelings are totally normal and you’ll get in to a routine. Your dd will be fine. Honestly x

Onatree · 30/12/2021 12:14

@Returningtoworkstress

I've been on maternity leave since March and I'm due back at work next week. I'm starting to feel really stressed and anxious and have managed to convince myself I won't be able to cope with juggling life as a working mum. I've also convinced myself that my baby will forget about me or think I've abandoned her when she's at childcare. I haven't left her with anyone except her Dad or the childminder for longer than 3 hours so far, only a handful of times, and I was incredibly anxious the whole time. I have to leave her for 8 hours next week - the whole day. Im going to miss her so badly and I'll be worried constantly. I'm considering quitting my job it's so unbearable to think of leaving her.

Is this a normal level of worry and anxiety? Can anyone help me to get my head around it all? I haven't had very helpful responses from family or friends hence my post here. My head is such a mess and my heart is really hurting. This will be ok, won't it?

The bit about “shit mother” - is this how you judge other working mothers? Do you feel similarly towards working dads?

I have two children - one is nearly 2, the other 6. With both I returned to my career when they were
6 months each time. They and I have an excellent bond. My career has progressed in rapid leaps through 4 promotions in the last 5 years. And no I didn’t feel these things or that I was a “shit mother”.

I think perhaps worth considering if this is what you yourself think of 1) other working women 2) or also about working men.

BigYellowHat · 30/12/2021 12:20

It’s hard isn’t it? 😢 I had to leave DS at 10 weeks old and felt like the worst mum ever. Are you full time or part time? I was part time and found it a lot better. Your DD will be proud of you when she’s older.

Thinking2041 · 30/12/2021 12:23

I felt the same. I cried and cried.
What surprised me was how quickly I felt things changed.
I went by when my son was .when he was ten months i was distraught at the idea. By 12 months I was stressed and anxious
By14 months I saw he loved his socialising and I felt ok.

Key thing is the number of hours. And if there is any flexibility if needed

Thinking2041 · 30/12/2021 12:23

I mean, I went bk to work when he was 1 years old.

caringcarer · 30/12/2021 12:25

My dd felt just like this when she had to go back after her second child. She told me after she dropped him off and was driving to work she had tears stream down her face. It was hard and it took almost 3 weeks for her to stop worrying about her son when she was at work but she was so busy at work and that helped. He is happy at nursery. If you took time to choose a good nursery your DC will be happy there and it will soon become routine for them.

MissSueFlay · 30/12/2021 12:26

I went back to work FT when DD was 9m. It took about 6 weeks in total before we all fully hit our groove, so be prepared for it to be a bit bumpy. Try to approach it with an open mind, and put off making any drastic decisions about reducing days, or quitting, for a few months at least.
I've since supported many returning mothers, and fathers too, who's heads are half on their jobs and half on clock-watching for nursery pick-up. It's a big change, but try not to sabotage it for yourself, because there are benefits for all of you, financial and personal, if you can make it work.

Sidge · 30/12/2021 12:28

I had to go back to work full time when DD1 was 14 weeks. Her dad was away in the military so when not working it was 100% on me. No family help. Luckily I had an amazing childminder.

She’s now a wonderful 23 year old woman who doesn’t remember those early years at the childminder’s but benefited from a loving, caring environment when I was working, and a loving caring environment when with me. Working meant we could pay the mortgage, bills and buy groceries as well as everything she needed. Why would that make me a shit mum?

She now sees me as a wonderful mum who maintained a professional career as well as providing a decent home and offering opportunities that I couldn’t have afforded without working. Nothing fancy, I wasn’t a high flier, but me working meant we could go on holiday, go to the zoo, days out and lovely experiences.

Your child will be fine. You will be fine. It will get easier. You will reclaim your identity beyond being mummy which I believe is important too.

Whereland · 30/12/2021 12:28

Leaving my first baby to go back to work was the hardest part so far of being a parent. I felt all the things you're describing here. But I had to go back. And once he settled with the childminders I felt so much better about it. And also started to look forward to work for a bit of a break! I found it easier with my second baby, I wasn't as emotional. You will get through it but do expect tears (probably from both of you) for the first week or so

feelsobadfeltsogood · 30/12/2021 12:30

@Returningtoworkstress

How your feeling is totally normal I felt the same with my first baby but with my second I was craving adult conversation and a bit of routine

Mine are 6 and 3 now and I work 3/4 days a week, 3 one week, 4 the next but sometimes 5 to get more days off in the holidays and I just juggle it round a bit but they both love their childminder and the friendships they've made with the other children and they've always got a smile for me at the end of the day

One piece of advice, book her in all day when you aren't at work and arrange to meet a friend and spend the day with her - don't do first day at all day childcare and first day back all in one go I did I was a blubbering wreck 😂

Mollie5 · 30/12/2021 12:36

I know it is hard, I'm due back to work in a couple of weeks after a year off for maternity leave. I too worry that my toddler will feel neglected if I'm away at work. It's making me cry even thinking about it. 🥺

LittleMissBlatherskite · 30/12/2021 12:41

I'm in the same boat as you, I return to PT work at the beginning of February and am absolutely dreading it! Haven't left baby with anyone except DH and DP, even then was only for 2 hours.
My BFs (2 older DC) advice was to give it 3months to settle in and be easy on yourself for the first few weeks xxx

mobear · 30/12/2021 12:53

@Returningtoworkstress

Did any of you have worries about something bad happening to your baby when they're in childcare? I have a fantastic childminder, couldn't ask for better, very pleased with my choice. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm the single best person to meet my baby's needs and that something could go wrong if I take my eyes off her? Not sure if that makes any sense, it's a garbled mess in my head.

I rather think the opposite! All the staff at the nursery DS attends seem very well qualified and have far more experience than me with little ones.

Classicblunder · 30/12/2021 12:59

Does your baby forget her dad during the work day? She won't forget you either.

I am not sure that this level of anxiety about returning to work is normal - I was pretty happy to return and most of my friends seemed to feel the same way.

Stickyjamhands · 30/12/2021 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpidersAreShitheads · 30/12/2021 13:02

I was in the same position when I realised that I just didn’t want that life. But I was a single parent who had a mortgage to pay. So I set up as self employed and that’s paid the bills ever since - and that was 12 years ago.

Having my DC (twins) made me realise that I didn’t want to work for someone else any more. I had a good job that I’d previously really enjoyed but I quit and I never regretted it.

Your baby will be absolutely fine in childcare. And you will very quickly adjust.

All I’m saying is that if you want to make changes, now is the time to do it. It is possible.

But at the same time there’s nothing wrong with returning to work - it doesn’t make you a shit mum, quite the opposite actually. You’re prepared to do something that’s difficult for you personally for the good of your child. You’re a fab mum.

GnomeDePlume · 30/12/2021 13:03

Don't, whatever you do, bang on at work about feeling like a shit mum for going back to work. There are likely to be other working mums who don't need to be told that you think they are shit.

I went back to work when my DCs were 6 weeks, 3 months and 4 weeks respectively. I didn't and don't feel any guilt. Mine was the larger salary, my family needed me to work and that was an end to it.

RedRobin100 · 30/12/2021 13:09

You’re in no way a bad mother for having to go back to work to financially provide for your child

For what’s it’s worth my toddler has absolutely thrived in nursery, with other kids and meeting other people. The socialisation etc is so good for them.

Also - for my own mental health, independence and sense of self it has been good to get back to the old routine etc

Of course some people feel differently to me, but just saying it’s also not a bad thing. Me and my son still have the closest bond and he is doing fantastic.

To be honest, I don’t sit and dwell thinking about him all day, I’m too busy! And I know he’s not pining after me either.!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 30/12/2021 13:10

@Returningtoworkstress

Thanks for all your replies. Do you think I'll be judged for being emotional on my first week back? I honestly don't know how I'm going to answer the question "how are you" without bursting into tears. It's awful.

That depends on where you work and how many have young kids and understand the struggle and the juggle.

There will always be those that judge - part of parenthood.

How are you? - answer - "good thanks how are you and how have things been over the last 9 months?"
Deflect it, don't allow it to be "I don't want to leave my baby" and the bursting into tears.

SallyWD · 30/12/2021 13:17

I felt exactly the same. It used to keep me awake at night. I even delayed my return to work by 6 weeks because I couldn't bear how my daughter cried when I left her at nursery. However, it was all completely fine in the end! My daughter settled well at nursery and my first week back at work was amazing! I had a real spring in my step just to be back at work, dressing smartly, talking to people (colleagues) who didn't just want to talk avout dirty nappies and sleep deprivation. I was actually able to sit at my desk and have a cup of tea uninterrupted. It really did me good to go back. My daughter thrived at nursery. She really enjoyed it and did a lot more activities than she would have done with me at home.

Original poster

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 13:23

Thanks everyone, I'm reading and digesting your replies, very helpful.

I just want to clarify something that has come up a few times - no I do not judge others mothers who return to work. I apply impossible standards, expectations and judgements to myself only. It's something I've always done. I don't feel like I'm a "good enough" mum, never have. This is my own issue and I don't have any thoughts or opinions either way about any other mum and what she chooses to do. My default position is and always has been that every other mother is far better than I am anyway, so she can make choices secure in that knowledge, whereas I believe I am failing no matter what I do.

Hope that helps clarify.

OP posts:

Original poster

Returningtoworkstress · 30/12/2021 13:29

I also want to add that I was abandoned by my own mother as a young child, so the feeling like a shit mother because I'm leaving her is tied up in my own childhood trauma, and in no way represents how I judge others.

OP posts:

Oatsamazing · 30/12/2021 13:30

My DD started at nursery 3 months ago (aged 11 months) when I returned to work. She loves it now, doesn't look back when I drop her off. The first few days were awful for me, I kept imaging nursery calling to tell me something awful had happened. Each week got easier and now I love being able to go to work and have my own time.
It's also made me realise I was being very precious about some things, I was terrified my DD would choke so still cutting food up small. I couldn't believe it when I picked her up one day and she was eating a breadstick. I think if I stayed at home with her I might have held her back in some ways. I'm a very anxious person though, so might not be the same for others.

hulahooper2 · 30/12/2021 13:33

It is hard at first , don’t make any rash decisions till you’ve tried it , you may even enjoy it

sparkleywallpaper · 30/12/2021 13:34

My comments are by no means meant to be judgemental or goady and I admit to being on the mature side of a lot of people on this site.
As a young Mum I dreaded the thought of returning to work and made the decision to work unsocial hours which curtailed my earning capacity and was a 'step down' to the qualifications I held.
I appreciate times have changed but I neither hear or see many Mums or Dads discuss part time work /unsocial hours where parents can jointly manage childcare. I returned to work on evening shifts and then night shifts with a little assistance of babysitters, Most of my working week was managed with childcare between my husband and myself.
Many of my friends did the same.
When and why did things change so much?