To ask how you decided on a guardian for your will (disagreement with DH)

[ToInverness]

Just that really, I'd love to hear how you decided who to name as guardian in your will, particularly if you disagreed with your partner. I'm in a situation where I want my sister, DH wants his sister, and I've no idea where we go from here or how we resolve it. I've not helped myself because I initially agreed to his sister, but having seen over Christmas how she interacts with our LO v how my sister does, I am desperate to switch!

my DHs family are dysfunctional and his parents abusive and there was no way we would put any of them as guardians. DH agreed luckily! but that was the thing that decided it for us. within my family, it would be whoever had the capacity at the time should it ever occur. not one named person.

What happens if you both put your choices, then the person who lives longest gets their way ?

F - interested jn this, not because of an argument, but how to choose..

Have you spoken to both sisters and asked if it's something they'd actually be willing to do?

No idea. We have DH's sister (under sufferance) and I'm just praying we don't die.

Surely you're meant to ask the person/people before naming them as a guardian as it's a pretty big role and most likely a burden for someone who might not want any/anymore kids.

I’d choose the person who will best serve your child’s interests if anything happens to both of you. For us, this included following our beliefs/standards etc about raising children, education, nurturing etc. does either sibling have children? Plan to have children? FWIW my Dsis lives with a controlling arsehole who thought it was funny to allow by DD to watch him play COD when she was 5.. so no to them even though they are childless by choice so maybe would be seen as the ‘natural’ choice. However I know they would not see the ‘value’ in education/choosing the right schools and frankly live in a shitty area. Any inheritance my DD received I would not have trusted them to give to her without taking some form of rent/payback etc (a whole other thread). my DH’s sister on the other hand favours some sort of free-range parenting which means her kids have no boundaries, no manners and are a complete nightmare but who do live in a hip area but are still a no…so That left us with the godmothers and her godfather (friends for both of us for nearly 40years) who we spend the most time with, and trust implicitly to ensure my DD would be well-loved, receive the best education, support, finance and also could tell my DD the most about me, my DH etc if anything were to happen. One is named as her legal guardian, one to manage her inheritance and one to provide moral support and is the next named guardian if anything happens to the first. I don’t think you can exclusively include or exclude siblings unless you are certain about all aspects of care and I don’t think either of our siblings would’ve wanted to be the legal guardian either really!

You can agree to disagree on this. You make separate wills. The appointment of a guardian only takes effect in the event that both of you are dead. You appoint your sister, he appoints his. In the event you were both to tragically die together in circumstances where it is not possible to say which of you died first, then the younger is deemed to have died last.

Your DH cannot compel you to name his sister as guardian in your will, any more than you can compel him to name yours.

Alternatively you can both name both of them. Usually if 2 people are named they are a couple. But not exclusively so. This does raise the chance for conflict later on though.

DH and I struggled a bit with this. Our parents are old (youngest of the four is nearly 80) and although we each have a sibling we did not want to nominate either of them for various reasons. So it's now a couple who are close friends of ours rather than family.

We know logically it has to be my PIL with input from my parents/brother.

I know it will hurt my mother a lot though, even though she will deep down agree with the logic.

Other option is my brother... but I think the idea of two teenage girls would terrify him. Itvwould be different if he had a partner...

Complicated by our wish that the guardian would move into our home so DDs can finish their education. PILs would do that.

In a way, we’re quite fortunate that we agree that no-one from either of our families should care for our children. We have opted for some friends who have a very similar style of parenting to us and we’re named as guardians for their children for the same reason.

I think it's worth remembering that the person who is your children's guardian could be changed through their childhood - I was 7 years older than my brother so was named as his guardian in my parents' for wills for a chunk of his childhood.

I’d choose the person who will best serve your child’s interests if anything happens to both of you. For us, this included following our beliefs/standards etc about raising children, education, nurturing etc.

This. We put my sister because they have children who are close in age to ours and our styles of parenting align well. DH sibling is absolutely lovely but does not have children and would be more like disney parent than day to day parenting. However in reality, if something were to happen in the short term (next 10 years) we were very clear that we would expect the grandparents (ILs) to take over the day to day care. This is something grandparents would also want but they have not been named as the will is a long term document. This was advice from the solicitor.

We had discussion with both sets of family and all were happy with outcome

Rather than making it so 'one or the other', perhaps think about all the skills needed.

If you both died, your LO would need to be loved and cared for, educated in line with your wishes and have their finances managed until they reached adulthood.

So maybe look for a combination of someone who would love your child, share your values on education and be trustworthy & able to manage a potentially large sum of money honestly. Having two guardians is often a good idea.

I couldn't nominate one sister because although she is lovely and completely sensible, I wouldn't trust her long term partner with the petty cash tin.

In the end I chose a sister & niece, which gives a broader base and shares the load.

Would your two relatives work together?

We have this problem too. We initially named our friend who was also our nanny so knew them inside out. She feels much less appropriate now though as we don't see her much (and we don't favour her style either). But we don't know who to choose. We want someone who has the same religious beliefs as us, my family don't and are scathing so I can't see how that would work. I am not dead keen on his sister but coming round to the idea as we are short of other options. I'm not sure we could pluck up some friends easily. It's a big ask.

Someone who will be able to help them through the devastation of losing both their parents

Someone who knows the children and has similar values.

Someone who can help them stay in touch with both sides of their family.

@morechocolateneededtoday

I’d choose the person who will best serve your child’s interests if anything happens to both of you. For us, this included following our beliefs/standards etc about raising children, education, nurturing etc.

This. We put my sister because they have children who are close in age to ours and our styles of parenting align well. DH sibling is absolutely lovely but does not have children and would be more like disney parent than day to day parenting. However in reality, if something were to happen in the short term (next 10 years) we were very clear that we would expect the grandparents (ILs) to take over the day to day care. This is something grandparents would also want but they have not been named as the will is a long term document. This was advice from the solicitor.

We had discussion with both sets of family and all were happy with outcome

A couple of comments on this: a) wills can be updated, and when you have children updating as they come of age is no bad idea b) you can do letters of wishes outside the will expanding more on your preferred outcomes to guide the executors/guardians

We opted for my parents in the short term with a view to switching to someone younger once we had made friends with other parents through DC's school. It's early days but covid is making it very difficult to cement and develop new friendships. My parents are getting older and I don't know how they would cope if it actually happened.

@Mrsgordonselfridge can you explain this a bit further? ....even though they are childless by choice so maybe would be seen as the ‘natural’ choice

Why on earth would two people who have decided they do not want their own children ever be the natural choice to be guardians of someone else's?? I'm not being snarky, I'm just very surprised anyone would think people who have actively avoided parenthood would make good guardians! I'm speaking as a child free by choice person by the way, no shade on your sister

@EnterFunnyNameHere we've done the same. If we both die before the eldest child is 11 then they will go to my sil and family overseas.

If we die between 11-18 then they'll go to my best friend here. He's gay and doesn't want children of his own. Reasons: he has an excellent, steady job at one of the best public schools in the land so they could live with him there and attend the school. Day to day stuff like meals would be provided. He will never have children of his own, who he'd naturally prioritize over ours.
Although he isn't a parent, he's very experienced pastorally with older kids.
He's a great role model in terms of work ethic.
He's kind, funny and clever and would be nice to live with.
Most importantly, he loves me like a sister, and I love him like a brother. I know he'd do the right thing by my children. He's totally trustworthy. I've known him since he was 18 and we've been through a lot. He's never let me down.

@enterfunnynamehere I'm childfree by choice and would have my nieces and nephews in a heartbeat. I am their guardian. I don't want to have children but if those specific children needed me to I would die for them (not to be melodramatic!). Yes it wouldnt be what I planned to do with my life but in the event of my brother and his wife's death I'd prioritise their care over anything else in my life.

We also struggle with this and don't have a will as it just descends into an awful argument each time.

I want my sister who has 2 DC and works with children, we see them frequently so our DC have a good relationship and strong bond with their cousins. He wants his sister who has no DC, works in a very senior job involving a lot of travelling and lives with her inlaws who they have promised will never go into a nursing home. We see them twice a year.
Every 6 months I bring this up and it just descends into a row.

@Liverbird77 & @Jennifer2r that's absolutely fascinating (to me).

I don't have kids (by choice) - even though I know my friends/family think I would make a great parent I know that I really wouldn't, because how could I be good at something I really don't want to do?

@Liverbird77, if you don't mind me asking, how did your friend respond when you told him you'd selected him for guardianship?

Sorry if I'm being weird, I'd just never thought about the issue from this perspective and find it really interesting! I don't even understand why people think it's logical to ask me to babysit for them giving I blatantly have no idea what I'm doing having no experience

@enterfunnynamehere thing is I really love kids and spending time with them and caring for them. Just dont plan to have any myself. So I feel like I've got the skills and experience to babysit and be a guardian. It's not what I want to happen - it's a worse case scenario for everyone - but it's peace of mind for all of us to have it planned.