To ask how you decided on a guardian for your will (disagreement with DH)

[ToInverness]

Just that really, I'd love to hear how you decided who to name as guardian in your will, particularly if you disagreed with your partner. I'm in a situation where I want my sister, DH wants his sister, and I've no idea where we go from here or how we resolve it. I've not helped myself because I initially agreed to his sister, but having seen over Christmas how she interacts with our LO v how my sister does, I am desperate to switch!

@EnterFunnyNameHere I agree with you…however, everyone in our families think that’s what we’d do and should do… And because my narcissistic mother tells anyone who’ll listen that my Golden child Dsis ‘can’t have children’ when that is not actually the case… so obviously in the event of death I’d be giving her mine… Err righto.

We decided we would not be there and would not be able to foresee the circumstances of everyone around us so went for a person we trust to have good judgement. This does not mean they have the children just that they are the decision maker when weighing up which sibling, relative, friend is best placed at that time.

When a guardian is appointed, the parents' wishes are considered but can be overruled if it's in the best interests of the child(ren). Obviously it also depends if the preferred guardian is alive, able and willing to look after them.

It would be easier for your children and families if you could agree on your preferred guardian, but if you can't agree, the families would need to argue it out, and if they couldn't reach an agreement between themselves or in mediation, it would go to court.

My advice is to write your will appointing your sister as guardian, and write an accompanying letter of wishes explaining the reasons for your choice. Discuss it with your sister and give her copies of the will and letter of wishes. If your husband decides to go ahead and appoint his sister, he should also write a letter of wishes and discuss it with her.

You don't need to put either down because in reality if something happens to you social services have to make an assessment as to suitability as long term guardians. It's worth having a discussion but I would not argue

OP, it is a really difficult situation but you and your DH just need to talk it through. Between me and DH we have 3 siblings, but our friends are our DC's guardians as their parenting style is more like ours, it's a bit sad really but we have made the right choice.

Fortunately dh’s sister didn’t really want kids so it was easy to persuade him for my side of the family.

Sorry, posted too early. Do you both really think that your own sisters are the best choice are are you both saying that out of loyalty? Is there a bit of "why should we choose your family, what's wrong with mine?".

It's a no brainer for us. My family are very involved. His are rare contacts (just because we aren't so important in their day to day lives rather than anything else). So my DS gets the DC.

@Jennifer2r I think where we differ is whilst I love the kids in my family, I am really awkward around them and in a state of constant high tension that I will some how do/say the wrong thing and upset them or something. So the idea of being in any way "responsible" for a child makes me feel sick with anxiety!

Aware that probably says more about my mental state than my childlessness though...

Fingers crossed no fools have been taken in by my calm exterior and named me, eh?

[quote Mrsgordonselfridge]@EnterFunnyNameHere I agree with you…however, everyone in our families think that’s what we’d do and should do… And because my narcissistic mother tells anyone who’ll listen that my Golden child Dsis ‘can’t have children’ when that is not actually the case… so obviously in the event of death I’d be giving her mine… Err righto.[/quote]
Yikes, that sounds difficult to manage (for a whole host of reasons). Although we thankfully don't have to navigate that kind of dynamic, I actually could imagine some family members thinking I would be the obvious choice if my DB were to pass away (and have kids!), you know - youngest female relative bound to be ideal candidate for maternal action and all that.

We have put off making a will for years because we can’t decide on this! Know that’s daft. But we don’t really feel comfy with any of the options for various reasons. At the moment I’d prefer my best friend and have joked about it but feels a big ask when her kids are also wee! But she’d be most aligned to our values. Let’s just hope we don’t both die.

[quote EnterFunnyNameHere]**@Liverbird77 & @Jennifer2r that's absolutely fascinating (to me).

I don't have kids (by choice) - even though I know my friends/family think I would make a great parent I know that I really wouldn't, because how could I be good at something I really don't want to do?

@Liverbird77, if you don't mind me asking, how did your friend respond when you told him you'd selected him for guardianship?

Sorry if I'm being weird, I'd just never thought about the issue from this perspective and find it really interesting! I don't even understand why people think it's logical to ask me to babysit for them giving I blatantly have no idea what I'm doing having no experience [/quote]
Same! I do love my nieces and nephews but I would not want to be their guardian. I don't want children at any stage of life, especially ones traumatised by their parents death.

We have my brother and dh’s sister.

Our logic was/is that the guardian isn’t necessarily the one who does the day to day caring, but they are representing our children and making the best decisions for them at the time.

It meant both families would be involved as well. We are fortunate to get on well with both sides.

Neither of our siblings is suitable so we have chosen my cousin and her husband. They do not have children at home but they live rurally unlike any of my close friends which is what we chose for our child. He will have a trust with three trustees - my cousin and two of my close friends - who will advocate/advise him in all matters until he is 25.

We have my sister and husbands sister.
Logic was if the worst was to happen we wouldn’t know who would be at the best stage of their lives to care for our children. Guardian for us is about making the right decision when the time comes not necessarily being the care giver.
As it happens I think when we made the wills about 10 years ago SIL would have been the choice as carer now I think due to changing circumstances it’s my sister.
Hopefully there will never be a need for guardians

It's been a while since we had to do this and ours are all adults now, but when discussing with the solicitor they advised that the Guardians appointed were there to make decisions about the best care for the children, not necessarily to have them.
Ultimately social services would decide with input from the guardians and any other instructions left in the will.
We therefore named my parents and my brother.

We chose someone child free who could and would put our DC front and centre in their lives in the same way we would. They're friends, not family, and would understand much better what choices we would make and also live in the same city we do so DC could go to the same school. They could also offer a good standard of living and the kind of experiences we would want our DC to have. Family guardians would involve moving to a new area, changing schools and having to slot in to an existing family, so while loved I think would always be a bit of a spare part.

We have discussed it with potential guardian but not our families. It would only cause upset for them about something we hope would never happen. Potential guardian knows this and is comfortable in having to deal with the fallout should the worse happen!

We chose friends with similar aged children who have the same parenting style as us. We both named the same couple and we are thier guardians in return.

We both have siblings - neither have/want children so it didn't feel right to name them. Parents too old/infirm, not really involved with kids. I really hope we don't die, but I feel we have made the right decision and as the years have passed it's confirmed this.

We chose my brother as guardian, not because we particularly wanted the kids to live with him but because he was the only one I trusted at the time to make the right decision for my children.

We are now in a position to know where the kids would go, my BIL is much more settled, lives nearer us kids see a lot of him and would take them in a heart beat. We’re not going to bother changing our wills though as I know my brother would agree that BIL is the right person to have our kids.

It was quite easy for us though as at the time of doing our wills we’d never have picked my DHs brother and my brother was the only option.

Our decision came down to finances and practicalities in the end; I wanted my sister but then she’d have 4 children under 5 (with mine and hers combined) and they’d have to use a huge amount of our life insurance to buy a bigger house as well as putting them in childcare to be able to work which generally is fine but not for two recently bereaved children whereas DHs parents have a big enough home already and are retired. Once kids and grandparents are are older we’d rethink.

Just glad this was one of our easier decisions in life, DH's sister, no contest. She's willing, is a sahm, has room and DD adores her.

I think the biggest issue is if they could cope with bringing up someone else's kids. Saying you'll do it in theory and actually managing if something awful happened are 2 different things. I know some friends who were appointed guardians and did it for a few years when both the kids parents died. But they also had 3 kids of their own and couldn't cope. The kids went to some other relatives in the end.

We were advised to not choose parents unless they were “young”. And we have three sets because mine are divorced/remarried.

5 years ago when we made the wills (DC were 2 and 5 at that point) all parents were in good health. Since then, so much has changed in terms of health and our relationship with them, I’m so glad we didn’t choose them.

In the end we chose my brother and DSIL.

You can name more than one Guardian. And the guardian doesn't have to be the person the child lives with.

We agreed with friends that if they died, their DD (my DDs best friend) could live with us so she could continue at the same school. Her two much older siblings (by about 15 years, so adults at the time of the agreement) would be the child's guardians, so the major decision makers in everything.

@EnterFunnyNameHere he accepted right away. I asked him via text because I didn't want him to be out on the spot and I made it totally clear I wouldn't be offended if he refused (and I meant it).

I am an only child. I have three cousins but we did not grow up together and they've never met my kids. My parents are elderly and won't even babysit for a few hours, never mind take them permanently!
All my husband's family live abroad and I don't think it would be fair to take the kids away from a familiar school system/friends etc and force them to live in a different country when they were older than primary age.
My friend was really the only option. I don't know what we'd have done otherwise!