Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Anyone else bored of having to do endless prompting and reminding?

78 replies

NorthSouthcatlady · 29/12/2021 20:59

I feel that l have to constantly prompt and remind my fiancé about most things. The latest one was him going to work this morning and leaving the back door unlocked and not bolted. I ask politely this evening if he could not do that. I was asleep in bed still feeling drained after having COVID twice this year and thought it was unsafe. His answer was he doesn’t see why he should have to do that and it doesn’t impact on him?! Which l thought was totally obnoxious and thoughtless

We argue ALL the time about him having to be reminded about stuff and he knows lm sick of it. For example we are meant to be having a fertility clinic appointment a week today, he has had to be prompted numerous times to not book work appointments at that time. His compliance with the recommended supplements has been poor and he hasn’t bothered to research our different options. I’m not saying lm perfect but l have done the necessary research etc. But he claims he wants to do more IVF; increasingly l can’t be bothered and that’s partly because of his attitude

Lately l have been taking a step back and letting him feel the consequences of things more. Yesterday the MIL had invited herself round. I’m unenthused as it was the last day before we go back to work and lm not 100% well. He claimed he’d host. But didn’t bother to discuss timings or expectations so his parents roll up at 2pm, no food has been bought or prepared. I’m in my gym gear and had gone out to buy juice. They then stay for 7 hours, he’s pulling random stuff out of the fridge and chucking it in the oven or microwave. Then is launching random food on top of the kitchen table which he hasn’t bothered to clear (random bill, cat grass etc anyone?!). No cutlery etc etc as he can’t be bothered setting it

OP posts:

NowEvenBetter · 30/12/2021 00:34

At least you are fully aware of how shit your life will be if you choose to breed with him.
Not want to enjoy life?

EKGEMS · 30/12/2021 00:35

How in the world are you going to cope with your toddler (him) and a newborn?

Original poster

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/12/2021 01:13

@Thwackit statistically IVF is more likely to fail than to work. So a baby isn’t an especially realistic worry. It must lovely to be a member of the easily fertile and think you usually get a baby from IVF

OP posts:

Original poster

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/12/2021 01:14

@Veryverysadandold major ick here!

OP posts:

Original poster

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/12/2021 01:17

@Veryverysadandold it was like nails down a blackboard and it took all my power to not scream like a banshee!

Cat grass is not that exciting sorry. I grew cat grass to help our cats digestion, one in particular is prone to constipation. The container of it was left on the table

OP posts:

Original poster

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/12/2021 01:22

@NoSquirrels lm too well aware of the mental, physical and financials costs of IVF, after 2 failed rounds already. To be honest the IVF would be a world of effort but not by him obviously. If it was to work then l can just see a million and one other jobs for me to do. Which quite frankly l can’t face doing

OP posts:

Original poster

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/12/2021 01:25

@Pixiedust1234 l get; l forgot, l didn’t know and l will do it later / tomorrow / next week. He’s got 3 degrees for fucks sake, it’s not that he’s stupid either

OP posts:

Original poster

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/12/2021 01:29

@Alayalaya l have dyspraxia and he may well have it as well -he had lots of the indicators but no diagnosis. Problem is l get through life with it so should he 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/12/2021 01:31

@talkalarm l agree. I used to work with him so l know he is capable when he wants to be. It’s like at home he wants to chill out and stare out the window all the time, whilst l do the hard graft and drive the bus. I push back on this, he gets annoyed and we argue

OP posts:

Tarne · 30/12/2021 01:33

He's not that into you that's why he couldn't care less.

Just why op? You are obviously completely incompatible. Life is a joy with the right partner, so I don't understand what an earth you are doing with this man who lacks the basic life and social skills needed for a successful, mutually beneficial partnership for life.

So why have you settled for someone who will eat away at your mental health one bite at a time?

Op this is not going to work is it?

Geppili · 30/12/2021 01:39

He is lazy and disrespectful. Do not have children with him. Leave and be on your own.

41sunnydays · 30/12/2021 01:45

You need a partner in a marriage that wants to share the load. My husband is in no way perfect but we both pull our weight,

For example today we had family over, so went shopping together, roughly chatting about what we were going to serve. He baked one think, I cooked another dish. I cleaned the bathroom, washed & dressed the children. Whilst he Hoovered and cleaned the kitchen. We didn't split chores up, we just both like to work together to get things done. During the get together, he just did the drinks and I sorted out the food. I really don't think our relationship is perfect but we do want the same things and both work hard to get it

ElizabethT8 · 30/12/2021 01:48

@Dontbeme

Dusts off my crystal ball:

You marry him and have kids. You parent him and the kids, as you are "so much better" at keeping them clean and fed than he is, he "doesn't understand" that human children need food at regular intervals.

His big man job means he can't do any housework, you are "so much better" at than than he is, he "doesn't understand" that children need a clean home to grow up in to avoid the lurgy.

He "doesn't understand" that anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, occasions don't just spontaneously happen, but you are "so much better" at that anyway.

His life is stressful so he spends every weekend at some hobby or other, golf, cycling, Morris dancing whatever it is he needs the full weekend to do it and endless family funds. You sacrifice all your free time to facilitate his life as "you are so much better at it anyway"

When you are finally broken from working full time, parenting full time, cooking and cleaning full time, facitating his hobbies full time he will cheat with some young piece from work as she is full of life and doesn't nag him to parent his children or be engaged in a life he said he wanted.

Cut to the chase and just split now OP.

Holy shit ^THIS^

MiniPumpkin · 30/12/2021 02:14

You will carry a massive mental load if you have a family which is exhausting. My dh is great, he very much looks after me and the kids, however he does need prompting and reminding about some little things, and sometimes I’m infuriated by it even though In the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad. If I had to do this all the time I’d crack up

wtfc · 30/12/2021 02:14

@Swingsandroundabouts123

Every day there is another thread on here started by a woman who is trying to raise a family with a man like this and exhausted from carrying the mental load. I’m exhausted from reading them! I think we all are… which is probably why the resounding advice is not to tie yourself to a man who doesn’t treat you as an equal and run while you still can.

I have a friend who has been stuck in the same relationship for over 25yrs now. she has cheated on him numerous times and he has said he thinks suicide is better than her. Why do some women insist on being martyrs. I have to do all the thinking, I have to do all the work, I have to arrange everything, on and on and on. Originally I felt some pity but not after so many years. I have honestly started to see a narcissist who loves the attention when people say, he is terrible blah blah. You know this yet stay. Why is the question. If you stay with him because you think you can sainthood him into giving a shit well you are dead wrong. And your constant moaning to friends and family becomes tedious. Maybe I am jaded after hearing the same complaints for nearly 30years. You will NEVER EVER EVER be thanked for the effort. and you will NEVER EVER EVER change the man. You know what you need to do. Find your equal, not a cause.

Seeingadistance · 30/12/2021 02:25

LTB.

TwoAndCooPlease · 30/12/2021 03:44

@Dontbeme

Dusts off my crystal ball:

His big man job means he can't do any housework, you are "so much better" at than than he is, he "doesn't understand" that children need a clean home to grow up in to avoid the lurgy.

He "doesn't understand" that anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, occasions don't just spontaneously happen, but you are "so much better" at that anyway.

Cut to the chase and just split now OP.

Omg THIS!!!

OP don't put yourself through another round of ivf with a man who cannot support and care for you
Children are hard. You need to prepare yourself to be a single mum now because he won't support you. You'll be doing it all alone plus dragging his dead weight along. Don't

GiantHaystacks2021 · 30/12/2021 04:41

You need to call off the engagement and split up with him.
He is a pathetic, lazy loser.
He will never step up, ever and he will be much worse once he has knocked you up.
You need to break up with him.

daisychain01 · 30/12/2021 04:49

He sounds akin to a blunt pencil.

Completely pointless.

Can't believe you'd want to procreate with the useless tool.

WhatToDo1988 · 30/12/2021 07:06

So what's the point of him? Companionship? There's other men out there that could do that AND actually be into you. This man doesn't love you or even care about you. You deserve better. So much better. Every minute with him is wasted time.

Thwackit · 30/12/2021 12:13

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@Thwackit statistically IVF is more likely to fail than to work. So a baby isn’t an especially realistic worry. It must lovely to be a member of the easily fertile and think you usually get a baby from IVF [/quote]
Don’t roll your eyes at me when I’m someone who has had failed IVF. Nasty agggressive little assumption you’ve made there. How fast OP gets pregnant is totally irrelevant to this thread. Most of us are discussing whether or not she should have a child with him.

Thwackit · 30/12/2021 12:14

I’ve just realised you are the OP. Christ. Maybe don’t make assumptions about the people replying to you!

SomePosters · 30/12/2021 14:40

@Dontbeme

Dusts off my crystal ball:

His big man job means he can't do any housework, you are "so much better" at than than he is, he "doesn't understand" that children need a clean home to grow up in to avoid the lurgy.

He "doesn't understand" that anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, occasions don't just spontaneously happen, but you are "so much better" at that anyway.

Cut to the chase and just split now OP.

Someone has been on mumsnet a few years 😂

I wish my 16yo self had access to mn

zingally · 30/12/2021 14:45

"When people show you who they are, pay attention."

Do you honestly, HONESTLY want children with this man-child?

JohnSmithDrive · 30/12/2021 14:49

I found things were more (or at least no less) likely to happen if I just left him to it and had him deal with the consequences of his "forgetfulness". They weren't my issues so why was I putting so much energy into reminding him?

But DH was a basically decent man. Your fiancé doesn't really sound so.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread