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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this inheritance is unfair to ds?

56 replies

coffeerevelsrock · 29/12/2021 20:52

Ex’s father died earlier this year and he shared an interest with ds1 and had a collection related to it. This collection has been given to ds by ex from his gf. It is worth some money – not a life-changing amount, but an amount that would come in very handy in a few years when the dc are reaching adulthood and would – probably a few thousand.

Nothing was given to ds2. He is a bit younger, only a couple of years, and doesn’t share this interest – in fact he hates it! I only know about this via the dc so have no way of knowing whether this was set out in a will or ex just thought ds would like the collection (ex also shares this interest, which makes me think it was his df’s wishes to give it to ds rather than his own, whether unofficially or in a will.) Ex was left enough money to buy a £200k house outright.

AIBU to think something should be set aside for ds as well? I know it’s none of my business, especially if ex fil made the decision, but I feel like even if my parents did something like this (they wouldn’t) I’d make it right via my share. My view is coloured by the fact that ex is absolutely shit with money, pays no CM and doesn’t work. Lives via a few cash in hand jobs, benefits and hand outs from his mum (divorced from his dad). Therefore, he is unlikely to ever leave anything to the dc himself and this inequality will never be made up in my view.

Today, when the dc mentioned this (they’re just back from a trip to their dad’s when the collection was given to ds) I blurted out that ds should share it with ds2 if it is ever sold – it was ds1 who mentioned it s worth and that was what prompted my comment. I know I have no right to enforce that, and couldn't anyway, but I’m pissed off at this. DS2 is constantly made to feel inferior by ex and his family, often, but not only, as a result of this shared interest, and this is the latest in a long line of incidents. Regardless, I just think it's so unfair.

AIBU to think it’s completely shit?

OP posts:
museumum · 29/12/2021 20:56

I don’t know. You’re seeing ££££ but it sounds like ds1 and his father are seeing it as the items it is not as something to sell ever. Even though your ds mentioned the value he shouldn’t be persuaded or pressured to sell the folks toon at any point. In fact I’d support him to not sell it. There’s fire he’s not actually got an advantage over ds2.

Ovenaffray · 29/12/2021 20:59

I think you’re seeing it in terms of £££ when actually it’s about a shared interest your DS1 had with his grandpa.

It’s not all about £.

Thatsplentyjack · 29/12/2021 21:02

I think it has probably been given with the hope that your ds would keep the collection rather than sell it, which makes it worthless accept of sentimental value. It would have been nice for your ds2 to be given something aswell but perhaps there was nothing to give that would mean anything to him.

Bananarama21 · 29/12/2021 21:02

Nothing to do with you its an interest I'm guessing coins or something similar that they enjoy and maybe have no plan to sell. It comes across as crass and insensitive to be talking about selling something he has been given its his choice what he does with it not yours.

Thatsplentyjack · 29/12/2021 21:03

Or perhaps ex has put some money by for the future for him.

Theyellowflamingo · 29/12/2021 21:04

I don’t think you’re being fair - let’s pretend the hobby is stamp collecting. To you, it’s the equivalent of money. To the grandfather, your ex and your son, its stamps - things to enhance his enjoyment of the hobby and a treasured and sentimental collection built up over many years being passed down the family to someone else who will appreciate it.

Your ex sounds shit, and your DC2 hard done by, but I don’t think this is the injustice I’d be most upset about.

Thatsplentyjack · 29/12/2021 21:04

And I have to say, it was really inappropriate for you to start talking about what he does with the money when he sells it. That's a really bad attitude to pass on to your kids.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/12/2021 21:05

CMS can take account of assets. Maybe put a claim in?!

Starcaller · 29/12/2021 21:06

I doubt it was left with the intention of being sold, but passed down as an heirloom. It seems a bit odd you are already making plans for the money from it tbh (or viewing it in solely monetary terms). If he wanted to leave either DS money he would have done so.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 21:06

That's a nasty thing to have told them. He's been given the collection to look after and all you can see is money.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 29/12/2021 21:06

Def report his inheritance.. When my exh got a redundancy pay out he was court ordered to spend x amount on dd.

esloquehay · 29/12/2021 21:10

You REALLY shouldn't have said what you did to DS. It's not DS1's fault he inherited and DS2 didn't. Making DS1 feel shit won't create parity of esteem between the brothers.

Original poster
coffeerevelsrock · 29/12/2021 21:12

Yes, I do see that it probably hasn't been given with the intention of selling it, but, as I said, it was ds who said, "It's worth £xx," and it just was my instinct to say 'That needs sharing!" He did then say he didn't think it should be sold in the near future and I immediately agreed and we changed the subject. It just struck me as very unfair.

I probably do sound money-focused and that is because I am - ex sure as hell isn't, at least not when it comes to supporting his sons. I did report the inheritance to CMS but as he'd already bought the house then there was nothing they could do, though they did say he should have cleared his arrears before buying it! Too late now though.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 29/12/2021 21:17

When my DGF died my DGM inherited everything but she gave some things away to family members. DGFs shotgun went to one of his sons who also lived in the countryside, his medals went to his other son (my father) who had always been very interested in his military history and my brother got his pocket watch that he had always admired. I didnt receive anything because none of the possessions of an 80 year old man would have been of any interest to me really. When my DGM died I got some of her jewellery and my brother didn't get anything. Her sons split her estate as per her will.

Basically what I'm trying to say it was probably not really meant as an inheritance more a gift that DS1 would appreciate. Your children's inheritance in money terms would really be to come from you and their father.

Unless DS2 was upset about not receiving anything of his DGFs I dont think you should have mentioned anything and certainly not talk of selling something DS1 has only just received and probably has a sentimental attachment to.

HogDogKetchup · 29/12/2021 21:20

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

CMS can take account of assets. Maybe put a claim in?!
Can they?
HogDogKetchup · 29/12/2021 21:20

OP - surely your DS2 will inherit from their father? That’s the natural order of things. This was a sentimental item - the value probably wasn’t a consideration.

Kite22 · 29/12/2021 21:21

I agree with all the comments (and am a bit confused as the voting suggests nearly 1/3 feel differently). This is nothing to do with any 'value'.

I have been given something, which I have later been told could probably be sold for a nice little sum (100s or poss up to a couple of thousand, not huge amounts, but even so). I was given it, out of all the Grandchildren as I am a hoarder shall we say 'the least minimalist' out of the Grandchildren. It is something that has meaning to our family and the grandparent wanted it to be kept in the family. It doesn't matter that it now might be worth something, as I have been given it to keep it, not to sell it.

ProudThrilledHappy · 29/12/2021 21:22

I can understand you are anxious to ensure things are fair but it is not your decision to make.

Sally872 · 29/12/2021 21:24

Yabu. Grandad left something that has sentimental value. It is unlikely to ever be sold so it would actually be just as unfair to give ds2 equal cash.

Grandad and dad had a shared interest and he wanted him to have it that is lovely and shows the bond they shared. It is a shame ds2 didn't share that in common but everyone is different.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2021 21:27

As the total sum of money left was at least £200k, (which will ultimately go 50/50 to your dc), then a few £k of stuff is neither here nor there.

blubberyboo · 29/12/2021 21:29

I think you should ignore the collection and it’s monetary value as it was given as a shared hobby and not with intention of selling.

What you should do is contact your ex and ask 2 questions:
Was Dc2 left anything in the will?
And are you ( ie exDH) planning on giving your 2 sons anything from your own inheritance to put away for their future?

You should also make Child support aware that he has this money and enforce some monies you are owed.

Original poster
coffeerevelsrock · 29/12/2021 21:31

I'll bet my own house that none of the £200k will go to the children. This is based on my experiences with ex and the fact he has already told the dc he will move abroad when they have both started uni. He'll then sell up and use the proceeds to live off until it's all gone. That's him all over. Not ds1's fault though, I do realise.

OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 21:33

was ds who said, "It's worth £xx," and it just was my instinct to say 'That needs sharing!"

So he's just repeated something he's been told, probably so that he knows to look after it well or for insurance, and you've automatically jumped to the sharing without giving the boy a chance.

Fair enough be angry at your ex for being rubbish with the CMS but this is your own son who has been given something special from his grandad relating to a shared hobby.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2021 21:33

Its got absolutely nothing to do with you. It isn't money it's a collection. You need to stop interfering. It isnt even your own relative that has died.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 21:35

@blubberyboo that is absolutely none of OP's business. Remember this guy has lost his dad.

Go after him for maintenance if you can sure but anything else is incredibly grabby and none of OP's business.