To think this inheritance is unfair to ds?

[coffeerevelsrock]

Ex’s father died earlier this year and he shared an interest with ds1 and had a collection related to it. This collection has been given to ds by ex from his gf. It is worth some money – not a life-changing amount, but an amount that would come in very handy in a few years when the dc are reaching adulthood and would – probably a few thousand.

Nothing was given to ds2. He is a bit younger, only a couple of years, and doesn’t share this interest – in fact he hates it! I only know about this via the dc so have no way of knowing whether this was set out in a will or ex just thought ds would like the collection (ex also shares this interest, which makes me think it was his df’s wishes to give it to ds rather than his own, whether unofficially or in a will.) Ex was left enough money to buy a £200k house outright.

AIBU to think something should be set aside for ds as well? I know it’s none of my business, especially if ex fil made the decision, but I feel like even if my parents did something like this (they wouldn’t) I’d make it right via my share. My view is coloured by the fact that ex is absolutely shit with money, pays no CM and doesn’t work. Lives via a few cash in hand jobs, benefits and hand outs from his mum (divorced from his dad). Therefore, he is unlikely to ever leave anything to the dc himself and this inequality will never be made up in my view.

Today, when the dc mentioned this (they’re just back from a trip to their dad’s when the collection was given to ds) I blurted out that ds should share it with ds2 if it is ever sold – it was ds1 who mentioned it s worth and that was what prompted my comment. I know I have no right to enforce that, and couldn't anyway, but I’m pissed off at this. DS2 is constantly made to feel inferior by ex and his family, often, but not only, as a result of this shared interest, and this is the latest in a long line of incidents. Regardless, I just think it's so unfair.

AIBU to think it’s completely shit?

[quote TinyLittlePandaSneeze]@blubberyboo that is absolutely none of OP's business. Remember this guy has lost his dad.

Go after him for maintenance if you can sure but anything else is incredibly grabby and none of OP's business.[/quote]
How is it none of my business?

Just encourage your DS1 to look after the collection and add to it if he wants to/can. If in the future he decides to sell it suggest at that time he gives DS2 some money.

I would say a lot of people who have collections vastly over estimate how much they’re worth. I think it’s likely that it ever came to selling it, it’s likely your son wouldn’t get that much money anyway. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

@Flitter123

I would say a lot of people who have collections vastly over estimate how much they’re worth. I think it’s likely that it ever came to selling it, it’s likely your son wouldn’t get that much money anyway. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Yep, I was given something that I was told was valuable. It really wasn't. When it's been something that's been owned or collected for several decades, it's pretty normal for the owner to let their emotional feelings about it get on the way of reality.

The value of things that used to fetch a lot of money (and stamps, coins etc are classic examples) has plummeted along with the number of people who give a damn about them. Your ex's father might well have been living in the past when he estimated their value.

Good point @Flitter123
My engagement rings were worth £x according to a valuer/insurance. When I sold them, I got £x/8.
Things are only worth what someone else will pay for them.

The collection is only worth money if it’s sold, and it will never be sold. So neither of your sons has inherited any money. You are being very greedy to look at this collection as money instead of as a family heirloom.

Well, Google suggests that certain items from the collection are worth a few hundred but it's hard to tell what the whole lot would go for. The whole thing might be a moot point certainly insofar as money goes, yes.

Not sure how I'm greedy, Alayalaya. I certainly have no claim to the collection or any money if it were sold so there's no eventuality in which I will benefit from this.

Because it’s very materialistic to look at a gift with great sentimental value and see only the monetary price. It’s irrelevant how much it’s worth. Effectively it’s worth zero because it will never be sold.

But you are being greedy, these items were given as family heirlooms to be enjoyed and valued by your child. That is priceless and worth more than a few hundred pounds.

Also, it will be upto your ds to decide to sell and split any money in the future with his sibling. He doesn't have to and shouldn't feel obliged to either.

Your business is with getting cm from your ex. If you ex decides to sell his house and move abroad, again not your business. He won't be obliged to provide for said children after they are adults anyway. You need to focus on getting him to pay now.

Well, how do you know it'll never be sold? Ds shared the interest but he's also a practical soul and might well, aged 20ish and wanting a car or something, look at it and decide to sell it. He was the one who mentioned its monetary value. He might not. I don't know for certain as his mother so pretty sure you don't!

And as mother of two children, it concerns me that one might have a substantial financial advantage the other one does not. I'm not sure if there's a term for that feeling, but if there is it isn't 'greedy'.

You need to focus on getting him to pay now.

Yes. How shall I do that? I've contacted CMS and there's nothing they can do. As you say, if he doesn't liquidate the house until the dc are adults, which is likely, then it'll be too late then. So that's that isn't it, no matter how much I focus. And, yes, it pisses me off that as well as paying nothing, he has potentially created future upset by ensuring one child may benefit in a way the other doesn't. But it's also true that that might never come to pass for one reason or another, I know.

It wasn’t left in monetary terms. My mum died early and the estate was split right down the middle, apart from my mum’s jewellery, which she promised to me. It wasn’t in the will, it’s replacement value is c.£20k (although sale value no doubt a lot less) - my brother wouldn’t have dreamt to ask me for half, nor my dad to ask me to share.

He was given something sentimental from a hobby that can clearly last a lifetime. That isn’t the kind of thing that gets sold. The financial value is irrelevant.

When my mother died and my father offered some of her belongings, my sister and I didn’t sit down and think about the value of the items we selected to keep, we selected the items that held personal meaning. I have absolutely no idea who came out ahead financially.

If you get to the stage where you are selling off the estate and someone wants to take the expensive tv for themselves, sure, count that towards their share, but don’t nitpick things that matter.

It's nice that you're DS1's grandfather left something meaningful to them both in his will. DS2 will only mind if you suggest to him that he should. I wouldn't ruin things for either boy.

No idea about child maintenance, but can they not put a lien on the property he owns?

Its a gift from his grandfather of a shared hobby. Totally crass to tell ds if he ever sells it to give his brother some money.

I'm sorry this has happened. Better it did not really but it has. I get that you have been badly treated and that you say your other son has been made to feel inferior by these people. However there is nothing you can do really and you should not make your older son feel bad about something nice that has happened.
It's good that you can vent on here. Sometimes this is the only place you can but you won't always like the answers.

@TinyLittlePandaSneeze
It absolutely could be her business if her child is a beneficiary in a will.

And if your ex owes you a pile of backdated monies you could take him to court and have an order charging land placed on his property to force him to pay up.
The asset probably wouldn’t be counted for any future child support calculations though.

@coffeerevelsrock

Well, Google suggests that certain items from the collection are worth a few hundred but it's hard to tell what the whole lot would go for. The whole thing might be a moot point certainly insofar as money goes, yes.

Not sure how I'm greedy, Alayalaya. I certainly have no claim to the collection or any money if it were sold so there's no eventuality in which I will benefit from this.

Actually googling the value!?

This really isn't the OP's business. It was a gift from paternal grandfather. End of.

How is it none of my business?

What DS does with his inheritance is none of your business because it’s his inheritance.

You are going to cause resentment between the brothers if you keep going on about this or ‘blurting’ things out.

It’s a shame their father is a dickhead, but that’s not DS’s fault.

Its got absolutely nothing to do with you. It isn't money it's a collection. You need to stop interfering. It isnt even your own relative that has died.

This. You seem overly fixated on money OP. Why are you so concerned about what your DCs might, or might not, receive in the distant future?? You mention them going to uni at some stage, surely it is up to them to earn their own money and make their way in the world rather than relying on someone whose own father has only recently died.

Keep your grubby claws out of this, I can’t think of anything that is even less of your business.

I think it’s fine to mention to DS1 that it would be nice to share the money with his brother IF he ever chooses to sell the collection.

But I don’t necessarily think it should be equalised otherwise - otherwise DS2 is in the position of having liquid cash, whilst DS1 has to decide between the money and keeping something of large sentimental value. DS1 might feel much more able to keep hold of the collection if he doesn’t feel financially disadvantaged for doing so.

Inheritance is inherently unfair, I wouldn't waste any more of your energy on it.