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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To give DS1 a car?

75 replies

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 08:52

I've always thought up was the sort of parent who didn't believe in things coming to children too easily and that my DC would have to buy their own first cars (as I did).

However, I seem to have gone one better than giving a car to DS1 and am in fact accidentally running a car for him!

We were a 2 car family and then DH died, just as we were coming out of lockdown and DS1, who passed his test almost 2 years earlier, suddenly had places to go and people to see.
I let him use our 2nd car. I was always clear it was a temporary thing, the car remained mine and that when DS2 passed, they have to share it's use between them.

However, a combination of DS2's lack of enthusiasm and the difficulty finding a instructor and getting a test have meant DS1 has had sole use of the car for much longer than I envisaged. He did pay the extra to get him insured on it and he paid for the most recent service and MOT.

His girlfriend has now got a job "away" and he is talking about going with her. She doesn't drive and the location is remote. It's a good opportunity, but they will need a car. If he has to, he has enough cash to pay the rental deposit on a flat and buy an old banger, or I could sell him our car for less than it's worth, or I could give it to him for his 21st birthday, which is coming up.

There's a part of me which thinks I don't help him by solving all his problems for him, but OTOH there's no point keeping a car I won't use and which at this rate will be an old car itself by the time DS2 needs it. The car is a low mileage 5yo mid range Fiesta, with a small engine, an ideal first car (if you can afford it!)

As things stand I could afford to buy DS2 a similar car for his 21st if he wants one, but we none of us know what the future holds.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 29/12/2021 08:56

I think it’s fine to give your ds1 the car as long as you can afford to get ds2 a car whenever he decides he needs one. In the meantime are you taxiying him about?

My parents live rurally and when I was in my late teens they had to ferry me about all the time and did eventually get me a car!

Frazzled2207 · 29/12/2021 08:56

(There was only one of me though)

Chasingsquirrels · 29/12/2021 08:56

I'm with you on what you said in the 1st para.

And if give it to him.

Chasingsquirrels · 29/12/2021 08:57

@Chasingsquirrels

I'm with you on what you said in the 1st para.

And if give it to him.

I'd -if
emmathedilemma · 29/12/2021 08:59

I'd let him have the car so long as he takes on the running costs.

lanbro · 29/12/2021 08:59

Give it to him, get ds2 a car you can afford when the time comes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping out dc if you can afford it, and as long as they appreciate it

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/12/2021 09:00

I don’t believe in giving DCs stuff if they don’t deserve it but we certainly help ours out as we can afford it, they’re grateful and they have food work ethics.

Your lad sounds similar, plus he’s lost his dad. I’d give him the car.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/12/2021 09:00

Good work ethic!

TheFlis12345 · 29/12/2021 09:01

Give him the car. He is already paying the maintenance costs on it so showing he is responsible.

Whinge · 29/12/2021 09:01

I think you should sell the car and he should buy his own. If he wants a car he needs to pay for it.

He did pay the extra to get him insured on it and he paid for the most recent service and MOT.

Do you drive the car? It sounds as though this is his car but you're on the insurance so he can get a cheaper rate. If so this is fronting and is a much bigger problem than if he should be given a car or not.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/12/2021 09:02

I'd give it to him for his birthday too.

There is a big difference between this and making his life easy.

Bayleaf25 · 29/12/2021 09:03

You sound lovely and you’ve obviously had a tough couple of years. Life is short and I think in your situation I’d probably let DS have the car for his 21st.

Sirzy · 29/12/2021 09:08

I would give it to him for his birthday and then lock away the same amount for your Ds2 for a car at 21.

The other bonus of doing it that way if you can is your setting them up with decent cars which means when they are ready to change they are in a better position to keep newer cars rather than getting stuck in an “old banger” cycle.

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:08

@Whinge

I think you should sell the car and he should buy his own. If he wants a car he needs to pay for it.

He did pay the extra to get him insured on it and he paid for the most recent service and MOT.

Do you drive the car? It sounds as though this is his car but you're on the insurance so he can get a cheaper rate. If so this is fronting and is a much bigger problem than if he should be given a car or not.

No I sorted this properly, when DH died (prior to that I was genuinely the main driver with DH and DS1 named).

The policy is in DS1's name with him as the first driver, I am a second named driver. He paid the extra for the change.

OP posts:
JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:10

It's still on out multicar policy, but he is the policy holder for this car. I checked all that very thoroughly because it worried me too.

OP posts:
FTEngineerM · 29/12/2021 09:13

I think you should sell the car and he should buy his own. If he wants a car he needs to pay for it

IMO that’s plain mean!
If I had anything, wealthy or not, my two can use it. When they are old enough to get a job:

I won’t stop them watching my TV..
I won’t stop them using my fridge..
I won’t stop them using my tumble dryer..
I won’t stop them using my car..

It’s the same thing 😂

Aphrodite31 · 29/12/2021 09:14

Of course gift him the car.

I deeply disagree with young drivers having dangerous 'old bangers'. So let your precious son keep driving a well-maintained, safe car.

No it's not too big a present. You're not buying him a Ferrari 🙈 (or is it?!)

It's as much about practical help and safety.

Give him it.

Whinge · 29/12/2021 09:16

@JohnSmithDrive

It's still on out multicar policy, but he is the policy holder for this car. I checked all that very thoroughly because it worried me too.
Phew. I just didn't want that to be a heache down the line.

You say in the OP that you're running the car for him, what do you pay for? Does he pay for the day to day expenses such as petrol?

He obviously benefits from having the car and will do so even more if he moves, has he offered to buy it from you at all?

Maray1967 · 29/12/2021 09:16

I’d give him the car. Our DS1 (21) has a 5 year old fiesta. He is paying me almost the whole of the loan each month (£130 from actual cost of £134) as I could get the lowest credit for him - he doesn’t know but I’m saving the money for him towards a house deposit. He’s paid for his mot and insurance and tax - needs this for his placement year. It might be a bit tight for him when he’s back at uni for his final year next year but he’s sure he can pay it out of his own savings.
So in effect he will be getting the money back in the future but I wanted to see that he could tighten his belt a bit and budget properly, rather than say we’d pay for it up front. If we’d had a car that wasn’t being used I think we would have passed it to him as DH was given his parents old second car when they no longer needed it.

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:17

@FTEngineerM

I think you should sell the car and he should buy his own. If he wants a car he needs to pay for it

IMO that’s plain mean!
If I had anything, wealthy or not, my two can use it. When they are old enough to get a job:

I won’t stop them watching my TV..
I won’t stop them using my fridge..
I won’t stop them using my tumble dryer..
I won’t stop them using my car..

It’s the same thing 😂

This is why it's (a bit of) a dilemma though. DS1 has had the use of the car and the fridge and the TV while he lives a home, but would you give him the fridge and the TV to take with him if he moved out?!
OP posts:
MrsTimRiggins · 29/12/2021 09:18

I certainly wasn’t gifted a car, and paid for my first car plus all my lessons, insurance etc when I was a kid but I don’t think it would’ve made a massive difference to my work ethic or how much I valued the car. He’s already paying maintenance on the car and is that little bit older so you’d hope a little more sensible with it than a 17 year old would be, or might be I should say.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

Sirzy · 29/12/2021 09:20

This is why it's (a bit of) a dilemma though. DS1 has had the use of the car and the fridge and the TV while he lives a home, but would you give him the fridge and the TV to take with him if he moved out?!

If you had spare, or where about to upgrade anyway, and could afford to not sell them then surely you would?

Whinge · 29/12/2021 09:20

@FTEngineerM

I think you should sell the car and he should buy his own. If he wants a car he needs to pay for it

IMO that’s plain mean!
If I had anything, wealthy or not, my two can use it. When they are old enough to get a job:

I won’t stop them watching my TV..
I won’t stop them using my fridge..
I won’t stop them using my tumble dryer..
I won’t stop them using my car..

It’s the same thing 😂

We all have different opinions. Perhaps it's mean of me, but the OP isn't using the car. At least with the other items you mention as she's getting use out of them. She seems to be paying for a car that he has sole use of. If there wasn't a spare car then he would have had to share or buy his own.
JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:20

You say in the OP that you're running the car for him, what do you pay for? Does he pay for the day to day expenses such as petrol?

That's true I'm not really running the car now. I was initially or we'd split costs, but now he pays most himself. I don't put petrol in it, even when I,very occasionally, use it. I have still paid the insurance though he only paid the "extra", but I'd change that at rental anyway.

OP posts:
BarkminsterBlue · 29/12/2021 09:21

If you can afford to do something of equivalent value for DS2 then give him the car.

I have a few friends who had a car / inheritance / house at a younger age than most because of a bereavement. They’d all rather have the person still here and it certainly hasn’t made them spoilt or entitled. I don’t think you need to worry about that. Flowers

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