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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give DS1 a car?

75 replies

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 08:52

I've always thought up was the sort of parent who didn't believe in things coming to children too easily and that my DC would have to buy their own first cars (as I did).

However, I seem to have gone one better than giving a car to DS1 and am in fact accidentally running a car for him!

We were a 2 car family and then DH died, just as we were coming out of lockdown and DS1, who passed his test almost 2 years earlier, suddenly had places to go and people to see.
I let him use our 2nd car. I was always clear it was a temporary thing, the car remained mine and that when DS2 passed, they have to share it's use between them.

However, a combination of DS2's lack of enthusiasm and the difficulty finding a instructor and getting a test have meant DS1 has had sole use of the car for much longer than I envisaged. He did pay the extra to get him insured on it and he paid for the most recent service and MOT.

His girlfriend has now got a job "away" and he is talking about going with her. She doesn't drive and the location is remote. It's a good opportunity, but they will need a car. If he has to, he has enough cash to pay the rental deposit on a flat and buy an old banger, or I could sell him our car for less than it's worth, or I could give it to him for his 21st birthday, which is coming up.

There's a part of me which thinks I don't help him by solving all his problems for him, but OTOH there's no point keeping a car I won't use and which at this rate will be an old car itself by the time DS2 needs it. The car is a low mileage 5yo mid range Fiesta, with a small engine, an ideal first car (if you can afford it!)

As things stand I could afford to buy DS2 a similar car for his 21st if he wants one, but we none of us know what the future holds.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Mabelface · 29/12/2021 09:58

I can't think of any good reason why you shouldn't gift him the car.

Cocomarine · 29/12/2021 10:00

@JohnSmithDrive

What happens if DS2 needs a car before he's 21?

The benefit of not gifting the Fiesta to your older son. If you really need it back (and oldest can now afford his own or you’re planning to sell the Fiesta to fund two cheaper cars) then you’ll be able to get it back. Just be clear with oldest that it’s long term loan but may be reviewed.

You said that as things stand, you can afford a car at 21 for the younger child, but it sounds like 21 is coming from the birthday of older one coming up, not the time you need to save for younger one. It sounds like you could afford it now.

I would step away from this idea that you’ll ruin your kids by buying them cars!

Let the older take the Fiesta, knowing it’s loaned out to him and needs to come back if you need it, or if he wants to buy his own.

For the younger son, but a car for him as and when he needs it, be that 19, 20 or 38. If you can afford it, and if he isn’t a spoilt entitled brat. Which he isn’t, in the slightest!

Giving your children cars will not ruin them. It’s just a nice leg up that you can give them which I’m sure they’ll appreciate.

QuiltedHippo · 29/12/2021 10:01

He sounds a responsible young man, he'll be safer in this car than a banger, he's been through tough times: give him the car.

You can cross that bridge when you come to it with DC2, sounds like he's not even having lessons right now?

I bought my first car, DH got a family car given - we're both pretty similar in our outlooks.

BarkminsterBlue · 29/12/2021 10:01

Please don't fall into the strange MN trap of thinking that it is morally superior to drive An Old Banger when you can afford otherwise. Anything he can afford will not only cost a bomb to insure but will be less safe and less reliable than the Fiesta. This really is a no-brainer.

MrsFizziwig · 29/12/2021 10:01

Give him the car.
Distrubution of family resources should be done equitably. That doesn't necessarily mean equally.

Kitsmummy · 29/12/2021 10:03

He's lost his dad! Give him the car (and so sorry for your loss) x

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 10:03

@Christmas1988

Tell DS2 you promise him a car when he turns 21 just like his brother, how old is DS2? He’s not had lessons or his tests you’ve got a bit of time to save. Could DS2 share your car a bit until his birthday?

He's 19 and has no need of a car currently. He cycles to work and all his social life is in our town which is walkable or in places easily accessible by train. He doesn't have a GF. It was getting a GF that suddenly increased DS1's need for a car! So this could change overnight for DS2 too.

ATM I haven't been able to persuade him he needs to learn just in case though and actually it's not that easy to learn ATM. I do think it's a life skill everyone should have if possible though, so will renew my efforts once lessons and tests become more easily available.

He could use my car a bit, but it's quite big and it won't be available to him in the way this one has been to DS1.

OP posts:

Yuledo · 29/12/2021 10:05

Why wouldn’t you if you can afford it? Say it’s a 21st birthday present from his dad.

My mantra has always been “we’ll help you if you help yourselves” so we agreed to match what they could save themselves from their part time jobs, for a car.

In your case a 21st birthday present would be an unexpected surprise. He’s not expecting it and is willing to buy himself one. I’d be happy to give him the extra leg up for his 21st.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 29/12/2021 10:06

When people set up home years ago (before it was more in vogue to stick everything on credit to have the instant lifestyle) they would have been gifted old washing machines, dining tables, beds etc from family as they bought news ones and handed down their old ones to family members just starting out. It's not a new thing, my parents first house was furnished with relatives hand me downs until they could afford better.

If you can afford to help out DS1 now do so, give him the car. Then put some money away of an equal value for DS2 TO put towards a car/house or whatever he wants to do with it.

Warblerinwinter · 29/12/2021 10:08

I would be looking at a half way point, unless you can afford a second hand car for 2nd son as well.
So, offer the car to him at 50% of its current value. That is a massive help, but the other half can go towards your 2nd sons car in the same way
A word of warning, especially to those that talk about buying 2nd hand cars at £500-1000. My DS has just bought a 2nd hand car. It was to replace the older car we sold him a few years back at very discounted price to set him up when first working. I was gob smacked at the costs of 2nd hand cars currently. He’s paid over £6000 for a 5 year old small hatchback. The loan is so big vs the likely longevity of the car. Plus interest rates are stupid given the low base bank rate interest. We decided to help out again by loaning him the money ourselves with base rate interest. That really helped him out agian, given the stupid prices for 2nd hand cars currently.
Think about same thing. Sell old car at reduced rate, bank that money for 2nd son, and maybe , if you can genuinely afford it , help him with a loan to pay the amount you’ve agreed.

I would be so concerned about doing something for 1 son and then finding I couldn’t do same thing with other son

Sirzy · 29/12/2021 10:10

If ds2 is 19 and not yet shown an interest in learning to drive the chances of him needing a car before 21 are pretty low and you can always give it as an early gift

Notmoresugar · 29/12/2021 10:14

I think it all makes perfect sense to gift him the car for his birthday.

He sounds like a good lad and hasn't taken advantage.

Like someone upthread said it would be a really lovely gesture and meaningful to say it's from you and his dad. A very special present that he will never forgot.

Warblerinwinter · 29/12/2021 10:14

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

If you can afford to help out DS1 now do so, give him the car. Then put some money away of an equal value for DS2 TO put towards a car/house or whatever he wants to do with it.

I don’t know anyone who was gifted more than 1 item of hand me downs. Years ago people kept stuff till it broke. Never knew anyone who could give away a functioning washing machine 🤷🏼‍♀️ Or had enough relatives/friends who would just give away old functioning items. We furnished with purchased 2nd hand stuff, and then bought our white goods from the “knock down” corner of electrical stores that put damaged/ex showroom stuff to one side and offered reduced price. That and hire purchase. Lots of people had hire purchase stuff like TVs . I’m talking about 70-90’s

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 10:16

In our first home we had my parents' deckchairs as living room furniture for the first year and both parents did let us take the furniture from our own bedrooms

OP posts:

appleturnovers · 29/12/2021 10:17

Letting him have the car is the most sensible and convenient choice IMO.

Whether you want to charge him a little bit for it or not is up to you, but I don't think you'll turn him into an entitled brat just by doing this one favour for him. My parents weren't well off at all but I grew up in a rural area where driving was an essential, and most of my friends' parents bought them a car or helped them buy one if they could possibly afford it, even if it was the cheapest old banger possible.

The thing with cars though is that a young-ish decent car isn't just a luxury, it could be a safety thing too. Why make your son buy a crappy old banger that he might not be able to afford to maintain, that's more likely to go wrong, that's more likely to leave him stranded in the middle of nowhere at some point or other, when you've got a decent car sat there that you know is reliable?

slothbyday · 29/12/2021 10:26

I've always said we would get my kids their first car but they would pay to run it. No different to helping them with a house deposit if needed. It sets them up in a good position to start.

In your case, your kids had to grow up quickly when their dad died, I don't think you need to worry about them not deserving things or needing to work for it. They have had to deal with extra challenges already.

If you are in a position to give him the car and to no detriment to siblings or yourself then it's no brainer in my head

gogohm · 29/12/2021 10:26

I would give him the car in these circumstances if you can afford to help get a car for dc2 when the time comes. They lost their dad, grew up faster consequently it's a small thing to help independence

MaeveDidIt · 29/12/2021 10:28

He doesn’t sound spoiled.

Why wouldn’t you help out your own DS. It’s a difficult world out there.

He’s lost his father and I think it would be a lovely and very positive thing to do for him. Also in loving memory of his father.

Ginger1982 · 29/12/2021 11:01

Give him the car, so long as you can provide one for DS2 if and when the time comes.

Imayhaveerred · 29/12/2021 11:04

Very similar situation when I was at college - my mum passed and I used her car, when I left for uni I asked my dad if I could take it with me but he said no, I thought for sentimental reasons, but no, it was because he wanted to give it to my brother who didn’t need it but was the Golden Child. Yes, I’m still bitter.

As long as your DS2 knows that when he gets to the point where he needs his first car you will provide one for him too, so that it’s fair, I’d say give this one to DS1.

bloodywhitecat · 29/12/2021 12:01

I agree with your first paragraph and I would give him the car too then I would set aside the cash to make sure I could do the same for DC2.

FTEngineerM · 29/12/2021 12:11

would you give him the fridge and the TV to take with him if he moved out?!

Yeah if I had two and the other wasn’t going to be used…

I understand the need for them to inherit a good work ethic but it seems mean if there is one there and not being used to say nah buy your own.

We had a washing machine from MILs garage when we moved out, lasted us 3 years it was great. When it started dying we replaced it. We haven’t turned into ungrateful ass holes just yet😂

JSL52 · 29/12/2021 12:15

I'd give him the car.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 29/12/2021 12:20

It would be nice to give it to him but only if you can match the value for your other child. If you can't then I think he needs to pay you the difference.

RandomMess · 29/12/2021 13:00

I would gift him 50% of the car for his 21st assuming he can afford to buy the other 50%.

To buy the equivalent for DC2 is by default going to cost more unless you assume the value of the current fiesta at forecourt same value.

I'd be concerned you can't afford to spend the equivalent on DC2 when the time comes!

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