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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give DS1 a car?

75 replies

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 08:52

I've always thought up was the sort of parent who didn't believe in things coming to children too easily and that my DC would have to buy their own first cars (as I did).

However, I seem to have gone one better than giving a car to DS1 and am in fact accidentally running a car for him!

We were a 2 car family and then DH died, just as we were coming out of lockdown and DS1, who passed his test almost 2 years earlier, suddenly had places to go and people to see.
I let him use our 2nd car. I was always clear it was a temporary thing, the car remained mine and that when DS2 passed, they have to share it's use between them.

However, a combination of DS2's lack of enthusiasm and the difficulty finding a instructor and getting a test have meant DS1 has had sole use of the car for much longer than I envisaged. He did pay the extra to get him insured on it and he paid for the most recent service and MOT.

His girlfriend has now got a job "away" and he is talking about going with her. She doesn't drive and the location is remote. It's a good opportunity, but they will need a car. If he has to, he has enough cash to pay the rental deposit on a flat and buy an old banger, or I could sell him our car for less than it's worth, or I could give it to him for his 21st birthday, which is coming up.

There's a part of me which thinks I don't help him by solving all his problems for him, but OTOH there's no point keeping a car I won't use and which at this rate will be an old car itself by the time DS2 needs it. The car is a low mileage 5yo mid range Fiesta, with a small engine, an ideal first car (if you can afford it!)

As things stand I could afford to buy DS2 a similar car for his 21st if he wants one, but we none of us know what the future holds.

WWYD?

OP posts:

negomi90 · 29/12/2021 09:24

Give him the car as long as you will be able to afford to give DS2 something comparable for his 21st.
There is nothing wrong with helping your kids out. You don't need it, DS2 doesn't need it, and you don't desperately need the money you'd get from selling it. It seems like a complete no brainer to give him a nice present which will have huge benefits to his life and minimal (active) cost to you (obviously you'll lose money from not selling it, but you won't be paying extra by giving it to him).

Purplewithred · 29/12/2021 09:24

Give him the car. He’s got a tough financial time coming up and it will make such a difference to him, especially as you can afford to do the same or similar for DS2.

31yoDS has just scrapped the 3rd hand starter car I bought him for his 18th birthday 😳. That car allowed him to get a job, get himself to and from XDH, move city, help his friends…. It was some of the best parenting I did.

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:25

He obviously benefits from having the car and will do so even more if he moves, has he offered to buy it from you at all?

No he's planning to buy what he can afford, knowing that he "needs" to leave this one for DS2 and that this car is worth more than he has. I don't think he fully understands the downsides of running an old car though. He also doesn't appear to have considered borrowing.

OP posts:

Tulipomania · 29/12/2021 09:26

You already have the car, give it to him as a 21st birthday present.

Just remember to level up for DS2 when the time comes.

It is people who buy brand new cars for their DC who don't really need them (and usually post about it on Facebook after) who really annoy me.

readwhatiactuallysay · 29/12/2021 09:28

He sounds responsible in paying the extra insurance and the MOT costs.
It fine to help your children out, providing they appreciate it and are also doing their best to help themselves and support themselves.

He wont turn into a workshy, spoilt bum just because you gave him a car you dont need anymore, it will just make his life a touch easier.

R0tational · 29/12/2021 09:28

Jeez, life is tough for the younger generation, let him have a car!

Whinge · 29/12/2021 09:29

@JohnSmithDrive

You say in the OP that you're running the car for him, what do you pay for? Does he pay for the day to day expenses such as petrol?

That's true I'm not really running the car now. I was initially or we'd split costs, but now he pays most himself. I don't put petrol in it, even when I,very occasionally, use it. I have still paid the insurance though he only paid the "extra", but I'd change that at rental anyway.

Will he be able to pay the insurance by himself? If he had to buy an older car what sort of budget does he have?

ittakes2 · 29/12/2021 09:32

I think the question is from a safety point of view would you prefer he drives an old banger or the car he has now? I will not be keen for my kids to be driving old bangers on motorways so regardless of who pays for what when it comes to them needing a car this will be my first priority.

Crazykatie · 29/12/2021 09:32

For a boy the cheapest banger that is legal, £500 if it’s slow and awful the insurance will be affordable, he is highly likely to crash it in the first year, all mine did!. For a girl it needs to be reliable as well so will cost more, £1000 if it’s slow it means low insurance.
Anything remotely sporty will be expensive or impossible to insure, if you already have a suitable 2nd car including him on your insurance for occasional use may be a lot cheaper.

The main worry from insurance companies is personal injury claims a car load of teenagers in an accident is going to be a nightmare claim.

AlternativePerspective · 29/12/2021 09:34

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Secondly, he’s running the car, is driving the car, is paying for the car. There is no merit in selling a second hand fiesta which will have virtually no value and then getting him to buy another second hand pile of junk just so he can say it’s his car.

DS2 isn’t even having driving lessons yet and doesn’t seem that bothered as you say, so by the time he wants to use the car it could be on the verge of scrapping anyway, and in the meantime if DS1 has moved away it’s just going to be sitting on the driveway.

JaceLancs · 29/12/2021 09:37

Could he agree to owe DS2 half the current value of the car when DS2 wants to learn to drive?
That’s a compromise that would work in my house
Then if when time comes you are able to afford and prefer to give DS2 a car then you could do so and tell DS1 he does not need to find the 1/2 share

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:38

@JaceLancs

Could he agree to owe DS2 half the current value of the car when DS2 wants to learn to drive? That’s a compromise that would work in my house Then if when time comes you are able to afford and prefer to give DS2 a car then you could do so and tell DS1 he does not need to find the 1/2 share

That sounds like setting up a nightmare to me. What happens if he hasn't got the money when the time comes? I'm not sure waiving his debt teaches a good lesson.

OP posts:

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:39

@AlternativePerspective

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Yes, this is my line of thinking, I just never thought my DC would be given cars

I also never thought they'd lose their dad barely into adulthood

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 29/12/2021 09:43

I always saved the child benefit for my 2 DS’s. So when they passed their driving tests, there was money for their first cars. DS1 car was a small fiesta that we got for a bargain at £500. DS was at uni and then got train to work, so although it was his car DH and I used it for local runaround. DS2 didn’t pass his test till he was 21 and wanted a particular car which was £6,000 and took most of the money I had saved, but he loved that car. They have now now bought their own second cars and pay for everything related themselves. Basically we are pleased we were in a position to do this, as I appreciate not everyone can.

SushiGo · 29/12/2021 09:43

Give him the car. This kind of generosity from parents will make a real difference to his financial security.

I think a lot of people who insist young people should pay for absolutely everything themselves have no idea how high cost of living/low wages are now. Or how much difference help like this, given early on, can make to the ability of the young people to live independently and make good choices.

Christmas1988 · 29/12/2021 09:45

His Dads died, he needs a car give it him for his birthday gift! You’re not spoiling him, you’re helping him. Just be sure to help DS2 with a car when he’s 21.

trumpisagit · 29/12/2021 09:51

As long as you can do the same for DS2 when necessary give him the car.
Losing his Dad as a teenager if a big enough obstacle in life if you can help him, and he's working etc, then go for it.
I am really sorry for your loss.

Cocomarine · 29/12/2021 09:51

What you’re trying to achieve is a child who isn’t spoilt and will take financial responsibility for themselves. You’ve done that. (well done to both you and your late husband on that!)
You’re not going to undo that by helping him out now.

I’d go for a compromise - I’d let him have the car for as long as he wants, without gifting it to him. When he’s done with it, it comes back to you if you want it, or you get the proceeds of the sale. Not a birthday present.

Sometimes it really is as simple as - he needs a car, I have a spare car, he can use that.

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:52

What happens if DS2 needs a car before he's 21?

OP posts:

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 09:52

Give him the car.

You don’t need it. DS2 doesn’t need it.

If he’s moving away and you want him to visit it’s far better he does it in a well maintained car that you know rather than an old banger bought off a random person.

Ohpulltheotherone · 29/12/2021 09:54

If there were no concerns over paying for a car for DS2 then I’d say just give him the car with the understanding that he if he chooses to upgrade or get a new one in the next few years he passes it back to you so you can sell or trade in etc.
however seeing as you can’t afford to get DS2 a car perhaps you could sell it to DS2 for a nominal value a month (£100 etc) which would go towards getting DS2 sorted.

Christmas1988 · 29/12/2021 09:54

Tell DS2 you promise him a car when he turns 21 just like his brother, how old is DS2? He’s not had lessons or his tests you’ve got a bit of time to save. Could DS2 share your car a bit until his birthday?

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:56

@JustLyra

Give him the car.

You don’t need it. DS2 doesn’t need it.

If he’s moving away and you want him to visit it’s far better he does it in a well maintained car that you know rather than an old banger bought off a random person.

Can I make it a condition that he uses it to come home x times a year?

OP posts:

poolblue · 29/12/2021 09:56

I did exactly this with DD1, then got DD2 a car when she needed it. As a widow I felt it was the right think to do and know my late husband would have agreed.

Original poster

JohnSmithDrive · 29/12/2021 09:57

@Ohpulltheotherone

If there were no concerns over paying for a car for DS2 then I’d say just give him the car with the understanding that he if he chooses to upgrade or get a new one in the next few years he passes it back to you so you can sell or trade in etc. however seeing as you can’t afford to get DS2 a car perhaps you could sell it to DS2 for a nominal value a month (£100 etc) which would go towards getting DS2 sorted.

I can buy DS2 a car too.

OP posts:

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