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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is the etiquette in this situation?

63 replies

harrypotterslefttesticle · 29/12/2021 01:26

Before Christmas couple A had suggested going out for dinner in a local restaurant with couples B and C. A time and date was agreed. As we are in Ireland, when the new restrictions were introduced we lost our evening booking and couldn't get one for the afternoon locally.

Couple B suggested that since we had lost our reservation that we all gather at couple B's house for a takeaway. Couple C also suggested their house and offered to cook. Because of the offer to cook, and couple C having a bigger house and more space, we have all decided to go there.

Couples A and B both drink alcohol but couple C does not. If we had met in a restaurant or at couple B's house there would have been alcohol present. Would it be unreasonable for couples A and B to take alcohol for themselves/the group to couple C's house or would that be frowned upon?

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 29/12/2021 01:28

I’d ask just out of politeness and if they said no then rearrange it at B’s place.

HeddaGarbled · 29/12/2021 01:28

Absolutely acceptable to take alcohol with you.

SoniaFouler · 29/12/2021 01:30

@HeddaGarbled

Absolutely acceptable to take alcohol with you.
No it isn’t without asking first. What if they live with someone who is an alcoholic, or live with someone who by law can’t be in a house with alcohol?
3luckystars · 29/12/2021 01:31

I’m not an expert on this but I think it depends, if it is for religious reasons or they are a recovering alcoholic then absolutely not.
If they just don’t drink that much, then you could bring a bottle of wine and hand it over at the door as a gift and leave the ball in their court?

melj1213 · 29/12/2021 01:31

Depends why they don't drink as to whether they are happy to have alcohol in their house, but thr only way to know is to ask them.

If they just aren't bothered about drinking then they probably won't mind but if they're religious or recovering alcoholics then that would change things.

SpindleSpangle · 29/12/2021 01:32

I'd take a couple of bottles of wine or some beers but not get shanted iykwim? And some soft drinks and chocolates / contributions for the hosts maybe?

FreeFrenchHens · 29/12/2021 01:32

We can't speak for exactly how couple C will perceive it. Whatever the consensus here, they might feel differently.

Personally I'd expect it to be fine, but I'd check with them first.

Hotyogahotchoc · 29/12/2021 01:33

If they are good friends you should have an idea why they don't have alcohol and should have factored the into whether to go to B or C house

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 29/12/2021 01:34

Agree, if they don't drink on principle/for religious reasons/because they've had alcohol problems, then not acceptable to take alcohol into their house.

Otherwise, I think you have to ask: 'Would you mind if we brought some wine?'

I don't agree with the idea of presenting wine as a gift - pointless and transparent if they are known teetollars. Be upfront and ask if they mind.

Blossom64265 · 29/12/2021 01:34

It depends on the reason C do not drink. If it’s just not something they enjoy, then bring the wine. If they abstain for a particular reason, you likely need to skip the alcohol this time.

TiddlesTheTiger · 29/12/2021 01:37

As you are wondering, just ask them.

BessieFinknottle · 29/12/2021 01:39

Are ye not listening to Tony?!Xmas Smile

Original poster
harrypotterslefttesticle · 29/12/2021 01:40

Thanks everyone. Couple C are not religious at all, just choose not to drink. In other circumstances they are both comfortable being around people drinking alcohol, at parties and such.
I think the best thing would probably be to ask, I just didn't want to put them in the position of having to spell it out for me if it should have been obvious.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 29/12/2021 01:41

It’s Tony’s house!!!

BessieFinknottle · 29/12/2021 01:43

GrinGrin 3luckystars

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 01:43

This is so so weird.

These people are your actual friends and yet you're asking Mumsnet instead of sending a quick text? Confused

"Hey Bob and Barbara, really looking forward to coming to yours. Ok if we bring our own booze? Any particular soft drinks you'd like us to bring for you?"

Original poster
harrypotterslefttesticle · 29/12/2021 01:44

It's not that they don't drink much, they have both made a conscious decision not to drink at all. I don't want them to feel like they have to pretend to be alright with it if they're not.
If you didn't drink would you be happy with friends drinking at your house?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 01:46

If you didn't drink would you be happy with friends drinking at your house?

Why are you asking randomers on the internet though?

It's not their house you're going to!

Are you sure these are your friends and not distant acquaintances?

Hairyfriend · 29/12/2021 01:47

I don't think there is a known etiquette in this, exact scenario. I see that the non-drinking isn't for religious reasons, so I'd just ask.

'Would you mind if we bring some wine/beers along?' If they say, no, well you either go to the other families house, or just bring soft drinks/dont plan on drinking.

And NO, I wouldn't give them wine as a gift! Hmm. I'd likely take a bunch of flowers, nice biscuits or chocs in that scenario.

FreeFrenchHens · 29/12/2021 01:48

Fair enough. I think asking is the considerate and polite thing to do. I'm also with @SpindleSpangle on keeping it moderate and bringing a non-alcoholic gift.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 29/12/2021 01:48

I don't drink at all, and I wouldn't give a shit if someone brought alcohol to my house. But then thats just me Grin

Its a bit of a weird one, can you send a breezy text confirming the time and asking if it's OK to bring a couple of bottles.

Original poster
harrypotterslefttesticle · 29/12/2021 01:57

I get that none of you can tell me specifically if this particular couple will give a shit if we drink or not. Chances are I will just drop them a text before we go, I'm not worried about causing offence. I just wanted to gather some opinions as maybe the best thing would be to just not ask and not bring any drink. If that's what most people thought I'd have done that just to play it safe.
Thanks for the opinions, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Unmerited · 29/12/2021 02:05

I’d just say ‘really looking forward to it, what can we bring to help? Do you mind if we also bring wine / beer or would you prefer not?’

Unmerited · 29/12/2021 02:06

The people I wish would stop offering me alcohol though, is mumsnet, on their premium membership offer banner.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 02:11

@Unmerited

The people I wish would stop offering me alcohol though, is mumsnet, on their premium membership offer banner.
Can't you just use the free Adblock?

I keep forgetting MN even has adverts.