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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think this is not legally binding or enforceable?

88 replies

ConcernedFriend17 · 28/12/2021 22:07

Keen to hear from legally qualified Mumsnetters as I'm pretty worried about my friend. She's early forties and has been with her partner for four years. She's always lived beyond her means and a consequence of that is that she's never bought her own house or had any savings, in spite of having a good, secure job.

Her partner is financially secure and they have lived together in his house for the last three years. Recently she's been excitedly telling everyone that they're buying a new house together. I thought this was great; financial security for her, her own home etc. However she confided in me that she won't be on the mortgage or the deeds, but her partner will draw up a contract to pay her a certain amount of money if they split up.

This sounds really strange to me. And can it really be legally binding or enforceable? I know that she'll put her heart and soul into this house; she loves her partner but it's a rocky relationship. I'm just worried that she'll invest her time, money and love into somewhere and then she'll have absolutely zero to show for it, if they split.

AIBU in thinking this could be a financial disaster for her?

OP posts:
JeffThePilot · 28/12/2021 23:31

Are you suggesting she should be living rent free and either squirrelling away or frittering her own money?

How2Help · 28/12/2021 23:32

I think I understand your concern. It isn’t that you think she should ‘get’ anything, but that being potentially deluded by how protected she is, that she will fail to make other provisions.

I can understand that concern and think it is your concern as a friend. You aren’t asking for her to get a contract that does protect her, but to understand the reality of how protected she is.

Is that it?

Original poster
ConcernedFriend17 · 28/12/2021 23:34

No, @JeffThePilot - I'm suggesting she should be using her own money to secure her own financial future.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 23:35

I'm not saying she deserves a share of the house. I think he's doing the right thing in protecting his assets. I'm just worried about possible naïveté on the part of my friend, and a potential reliance on something that won't come to fruition should they split

All you can do is suggest she gets legal advice - if she won't then she won't but you'll have done your best

I'm surprised you said she could "save for a place of her own" though, since the the fact she's "always lived beyond her means" would surely make that unlikely?
Frankly it sounds as if she's seeing £££ signs because he's got money, but that's her choice to make and while I'd be supportive with practical advice I certainly wouldn't house her if it all goes wrong

Mummylovesmonkeys · 28/12/2021 23:37

When my DH and I got together I was a financial mess. Owed money right left and centre. DH has always been financially responsible - owned his own house (I was in a council flat, and owed rent - I was on part time minimum wage)

He gave me the chance to retrain in a job I love. For a short time he was unemployed (not his fault) and I was earning, but he soon found a job.

When we bought our current house we came to an agreement and sorted our wills accordingly - I have one daughter, he has 2. All assets in the marriage would be split 3 ways, with the surviving partner having rights to the house until their demise. Works for us.

As we near retirement we will be reassessing of course - DH has a much bigger pension than me / I have received a small inheritance, and are mortgage free, but on the whole we trust each other to carry out the others wishes (I wouldn't dream of 'stiffing' my lovely stepdaughters.

JeffThePilot · 28/12/2021 23:38

@ConcernedFriend17

No, *@JeffThePilot* - I'm suggesting she should be using her own money to secure her own financial future.
But after she pays him reasonable living expenses, she can still save. She’s never chosen to do that before, though. I suppose if it comes to it, she’ll have to move back into her own accommodation as presumably she had somewhere to live before she met him. She is deluded if she thinks she’ll have an interest in the house, though, so you might want to advise her to get her own legal advice to spell this out.
Itsalmostanaccessory · 28/12/2021 23:38

She is not paying for the house. They dont have kids for her to use an excuse to not work and contribute financially. She can piss right off if she thinks she should get half the house if they split. If he is willing to offer a financial settlement in the event of a split then that is plenty.

Maybe she should just grow up and stop living beyond her means. She is blood lucky she'll have a lovely home to live in without contributing to it. Z

Original poster
ConcernedFriend17 · 28/12/2021 23:39

Yes, @How2Help - thank you. I'm worried that my friend will believe her partner will look after her financially and (because she's certainly not a freeloader) she'll buy lots of lovely things for what she believes to be their home, instead of paying a fair "rent" but ALSO saving or making some provision for her own future.

OP posts:
DespairingHomeowner · 28/12/2021 23:41

@ConcernedFriend17

It's a little bit my "business" if she talks to me about it . . . but I agree with you, he's buying a house, and she's lucky that she gets to live there.

I just wish she'd buy her own place, however small, rather than relying on her partner for financial security.

Talk to her about building up her own financial security through savings

She is lucky that he is in a position to buy a house they will both live in (if it were me, I’d expect rent or other contribution)

She should really try to not buy furniture etc if not her house. Tricky though: I’m a homeowner on my own, I’d be angry if a boyfriend expected to profit from savings I sacrificed to make over the last 20 years

It’s tricky when people meet in mid life onwards or have different positions.. your friend should talk to partner & also seek legal advice- getting a contract checked would only be a few hundred pounds so worth it for both parties given a home is usually our biggest asset

Unreasonabubble · 28/12/2021 23:47

Wow! Still cannot believe that women in this day and age are believing that they will be okay if a couple split when they are not married, not on the mortgage and have no way of showing how they have contributed towards the cost of the house and therefore deserve a share.

Mind boggles...

How2Help · 28/12/2021 23:56

Wow! Still cannot believe that women in this day and age are believing that they will be okay if a couple split when they are not married, not on the mortgage and have no way of showing how they have contributed towards the cost of the house and therefore deserve a share.

Mind boggles...

And yet when a friend realises this and tries to point this out some posters say it is none of her business.

Nowayoutonlydown · 29/12/2021 00:00

She would be better putting her own money into her own house, just as you've said repeatedly, however the thing that's getting in the way of that is her own habits isn't it?

I'll assume that not only does she not have any savings, but also has a fair amount of debt which will be stopping her.

Here's the thing, you'll be thinking she's taken advantage of, but anything other than her name being nowhere near the deeds actually leaves her (financially sound) partner in a very vulnerable position.

TBH there ard all sorts of legal contracts that can be written up which will his investment- and he should absolutely use everything he can.

Have you considered that this may be the only way that her partner can have a relationship with her given that she refuses to act responsibly with money?

What would you think if it was your partner?

If she is on his deeds, and she has debt, the house that he has worked for is at risk if she defaults on them.

You are letting the way you feel about her cloud your view, she is not on the deeds because she can't get on the deeds by her own merits. Not only is it best for him, this may mark out the most stable chance she has occurred somewhere to live. If she lives above her means and has no savings its only a matter of time before things come crumbling down financially for her.

Unreasonabubble · 29/12/2021 00:16

@How2Help - I would hope that the people I consider to be my friends and whom I consider to be their friend that we would all speak without forked tongue.

I would rather be blunt with a girlfriend (in the nicest possible way) and point out my concerns and what she has to look out for.

As I said previously, I cannot believe some women actually fall hook line and stinker for this still. Sad

GoGoGretaDoll · 29/12/2021 00:20

I think legal advice wouldn't be a bad shout in that hearing a professional third party spell out exactly what would happen in the event of a split might give her a bit of a wake-up call.

Of course she should be paying rent, but if he's prepared to let her live rent-free than she'd be MAD not to save. Could she give money to you to save for her?

gogohm · 29/12/2021 00:23

We have a legal agreement, it is possible. I'll own half eventually (waiting on my house sale, delayed until kids finish university for ease) until then I have right to reside until my death

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/12/2021 00:35

Does she have a shopping habit? Is buying furniture and decorations for the house about making the house a home or is it about her spending. In fact since he already has a house do they even need this furniture.

JeffThePilot · 29/12/2021 00:35

[quote Unreasonabubble]@How2Help - I would hope that the people I consider to be my friends and whom I consider to be their friend that we would all speak without forked tongue.

I would rather be blunt with a girlfriend (in the nicest possible way) and point out my concerns and what she has to look out for.

As I said previously, I cannot believe some women actually fall hook line and stinker for this still. Sad[/quote]
She isn’t really falling for anything though, she’s not being duped. Naive, but not duped. She isn’t paying towards the house so of course she won’t have a share in it and doesn’t deserve one either, would you hand over a chunk of your house to a financially irresponsible partner who hadn’t co-purchased it or meaningfully contributed other than to buy some furniture?

sst1234 · 29/12/2021 00:44

OP, it sounds like your friend is getting a good deal here. If the guy was your friend, you’d probably be telling him to protect himself from her irresponsible ways.

Unreasonabubble · 29/12/2021 00:47

@JeffThePilot - But what happens if the poor soul lives with this man for say, another 10 years. He turfs her out. She has nowhere to go. She cannot afford to rent as she has lived with him and lived off his money all these years. What is she supposed to do? She has given him the best 10 years of his life by the way.

JeffThePilot · 29/12/2021 00:50

[quote Unreasonabubble]@JeffThePilot - But what happens if the poor soul lives with this man for say, another 10 years. He turfs her out. She has nowhere to go. She cannot afford to rent as she has lived with him and lived off his money all these years. What is she supposed to do? She has given him the best 10 years of his life by the way.[/quote]
She works. She pays her way, as we all have to. And if she isn’t paying rent, she will be able to save up a large chunk if she so chooses.

These poor cocklodgers and fannylodgers, imagine suddenly not being able to live off someone else’s money any more…

Honestly. Got to be a joke.

Wtfdoipick · 29/12/2021 00:51

[quote Unreasonabubble]@JeffThePilot - But what happens if the poor soul lives with this man for say, another 10 years. He turfs her out. She has nowhere to go. She cannot afford to rent as she has lived with him and lived off his money all these years. What is she supposed to do? She has given him the best 10 years of his life by the way.[/quote]
He's providing her with a roof for free for those 10 years. If she can't manage to save in that time that's on her not him

Unreasonabubble · 29/12/2021 00:53

@JeffThePilot - It is alright, I am pulling your plonker. Just needed your reaction to reinforce what women should not do. 😇

sst1234 · 29/12/2021 00:55

[quote Unreasonabubble]@JeffThePilot - But what happens if the poor soul lives with this man for say, another 10 years. He turfs her out. She has nowhere to go. She cannot afford to rent as she has lived with him and lived off his money all these years. What is she supposed to do? She has given him the best 10 years of his life by the way.[/quote]
She’s not a poor soul. She’s an irresponsible soul, by the sounds of it. As for what she’s supposed to do? Buy her own place, maybe.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 29/12/2021 01:15

I don't think she will spend as much on furniture as she would have on rent - especially over a longer time period. She can save the extra. That way if they split, she will have savings and can go back into renting - she won't have lost out at all.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/12/2021 01:34

Honestly my advice would be to tell this guy to stay well away from your friend. She sounds like she’ll be a financial drain on him.