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Original poster

Wedding money

84 replies

danyL31 · 28/12/2021 21:58

My best friend is getting married in March
They are not asking for a wedding gift but instead are asking for a contribution towards their honeymoon!
I was discussing with my DH and suggested we give £100 towards their honeymoon. He thinks It's too little and we should give more perhaps around £200-£250!
I think that's too much in my opinion.
Am I wrong? How much do people give these days? For our wedding we got £30/£50 per person who attended and we were very grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
danyL31 · 28/12/2021 22:53

@Gooseysgirl

Is your DH Irish OP? Cash wedding gifts in Ireland are ridiculously high... it was a revelation to me when I moved to the UK that people actually give way less here and are far more sensible about it. My English DH was horrified when we got married at the amount of money we received from my Irish family and friends. Honestly I think that £100-£150 is plenty!!!
Haha he's not but I do have some Irish friends and I can confirm that they were very generous with our wedding gift 😂
OP posts:
waitingpatientlyforspring · 28/12/2021 23:00

I would probably give £50 so £100 is more than generous

waitingpatientlyforspring · 28/12/2021 23:02

@MaybeAMoaner

I pay based on the wedding. If it’s a cheap wedding I pay about £50-£80 If it’s an expensive one I pay £100-£200.

If they have spent a lot per head for food and entertainment they deserve a large gift amount.

So a close family member with a tight budget get a smaller gift than a flash friend with a huge budget? How would you even know how flash a wedding was until you got there?
JayAlfredPrufrock · 28/12/2021 23:05

Wow we must be cheapskates. £50 max.

Chloemol · 28/12/2021 23:05

They wouldn’t get any cash from me. It’s not my job to pay for their honeymoon. What are they going to do if it’s not enough?

They would get a John Lewis voucher from me

Actupfishy · 28/12/2021 23:06

Best friend, if you can afford it then I’m with your husband.

Cottagepieandpeas · 28/12/2021 23:09

I haven’t been to a wedding for years and I have never given money as a wedding present.

It sounds like these days, guests basically pay to attend the wedding.
Don’t people give gifts / have lists anymore?

Kite22 · 28/12/2021 23:30

£100 sounds very generous to me.

Last person that got married that I would ever have a discussion like this with, told me they had gifts from £10 upwards, and a huge variety of amounts. She told me there wasn't any correlations of age of giver, or "closeness" of relationship or apparent financial situation - it just varied tremendously. I gave more (per head.... there were 6 from our family invited...teens, so eating a lot but no money!!) than you are suggesting but considerably less than your dh is, and she was quite overwhelmed and couldn't get over the fact I had given (in her eyes) so much.

ConsuelaHammock · 28/12/2021 23:42

For a best friend I’d give £200

TheCatShatInTheHat · 28/12/2021 23:44

£100 to close friends and family and £50 to everyone else.

VestaTilley · 28/12/2021 23:53

£100 is more than enough.

Lou98 · 29/12/2021 00:01

@Totalwasteofpaper

For a Best friend I agree with your DH and would do £250

£200 covers the cost of your plate.
For general weddings we do 50-100 per person.

What I would sat is mumsnet generally comes in low on these things and for £100 would you risk offending your best friend?
I really wouldnt...

The alternative is you could get them an experience on their honeymoon (1hr massage, scuba diving or similar)

I'm sorry but if someone is 'offended' at £100 as a gift, they're hardly a friend!!

kittenkipper · 29/12/2021 00:04

I'm poor. I sometimes attend weddings. I buy £20 - £30 gifts. Even if dh and I are invited, I'd never dream of declining because we couldn't afford the meal. We couldn't and don't eat out. The idea of a £50 a head meal is beyond us. I'm shocked that apparently we should stay away from the wedding if we can't afford to compensate the couple. When it was my wedding, I can confidently say we payed for all meals for all the people we wanted there. Not quid pro quo. People were invited with zero expectation and no wedding list nor any requests for money. Only half the guest got us something or gave us money. That was fine and welcome. They were there to share our day not to pay their way.

Kite22 · 29/12/2021 00:17

They wouldn’t get any cash from me. It’s not my job to pay for their honeymoon. What are they going to do if it’s not enough?

They would get a John Lewis voucher from me

But why ?
What if they don't shop in John Lewis / don't want anything from John Lewis ? Confused

I haven’t been to a wedding for years and I have never given money as a wedding present.
It sounds like these days, guests basically pay to attend the wedding.
Don’t people give gifts / have lists anymore?

Some do, some don't, but life today is different from even 30 years ago, but definitely from 50 / 60 years ago.
Most weddings I went to in my youth, people were setting up home for the first time, and people traditionally gave gifts for their home. More often than not now, people are already living together when they get married, so already have all the saucepans, towels, an iron, a toaster, crockery, cutlery, etc etc, that were typically on wedding lists in the 80s and 90s, but they know that most people wouldn't want to attend a lovely but expensive celebration without giving a suitable gift. Rather than ending up with 30 bottles of champagne or silver photo frames, people will usually suggest to people what their next 'spend' will be and people can choose to contribute or not. It might be a honey moon or it might be a dining table. It doesn't really matter, except it ought to be what the recipients want and not what the person giving thinks they ought to want.

Kite22 · 29/12/2021 00:21

What I would sat is mumsnet generally comes in low on these things and for £100 would you risk offending your best friend?

Well, you must be from a different income bracket from me.
Anything to do with money / costs on MN, I'm usually sitting there gobsmacked, thinking "HOW MUCH?" , so I would totally challenge the thinking that MN 'comes in low'.
However, I completely agree with Lou98 in terms of you having a funny way of measuring your friendships.
If I was close enough to someone to invite them to my wedding, I would want them there regardless and wouldn't care one iota if they gave me a tenner, or even if they just gave me a card. Surely no-one in real life would be offended by someone giving them £100 as a wedding gift ?? Confused

Butchyrestingface · 29/12/2021 00:54

What I would sat is mumsnet generally comes in low on these things and for £100 would you risk offending your best friend?
I really wouldnt...

This has to be a wind up.

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2021 00:57

£50 is what I'd give. Max.

Vegetalienne · 29/12/2021 01:01

I think they’re cheeky fuckers to get guests to pay for their honeymoon. My friends that are married had a strict no gift/money rule. I think gifts for weddings are weird now as most people live together before getting married so don’t need them and asking for cash is just entitled.

Butchyrestingface · 29/12/2021 08:02

@Vegetalienne

I think they’re cheeky fuckers to get guests to pay for their honeymoon. My friends that are married had a strict no gift/money rule. I think gifts for weddings are weird now as most people live together before getting married so don’t need them and asking for cash is just entitled.
I disagree. Gifts for weddings are a fairly traditional thing with a long history. It shouldn't be an expectation that you receive gifts and I certainly wouldn't want anyone over-extending themselves financially for me.

But given that it's a tradition and many people are still happy to do it, then I think the gift should be relevant and useful to the couple and not more plastic tat or duplicates of things they already have/don't need, just for the sake of giving a physical item.

I'm happy to give cash if people ask for a contribution towards something that relates to their married life - honeymoon/redecoration/whatever. If that's what they want and need, I'd rather do that than risk buying them something they don't like/want/need and will simply end up in land fill or a charity shop.

Tulips21 · 29/12/2021 08:17

£100 is more than enough

TolkiensFallow · 29/12/2021 08:33

I think £50-£100 is the going rate.

However, if I know the couple drink and I’m not feeling rich I will often gift a bottle of champagne. Mainly because I haven’t always got a spare £50 especially when travel and accommodation is factored in.

Or if they are foodies, a personal hamper of local foods from a nice farm shop. For about £25 you can do a nice hamper and a basket/cellophane is only £2-£3.

anon12345678901 · 29/12/2021 08:34

@Totalwasteofpaper

For a Best friend I agree with your DH and would do £250

£200 covers the cost of your plate.
For general weddings we do 50-100 per person.

What I would sat is mumsnet generally comes in low on these things and for £100 would you risk offending your best friend?
I really wouldnt...

The alternative is you could get them an experience on their honeymoon (1hr massage, scuba diving or similar)

If you offend a friend by giving them £100, they are not a good friend. I wouldn't give £200, it may well be the plate cost more than £200, but then the guests have other costs also. Transport, drinks, outfits, hotel stay if needed. Weddings can be costly for everyone involved.
Aprilx · 29/12/2021 08:38

I wouldn’t appreciate being asked for money at all, fortunately I never have been. I suppose if I was in that scenario, I would give a similar amount in money as I would have spent on a present.

AdmiralCain · 29/12/2021 08:42

It was a few years ago, I gave some friends £250-500 in a card. I can't remember the amount, They were divorced less than a year later. Never making that mistake again.

Ireolu · 29/12/2021 08:47

We told our guests that their presence was what mattered to us and not to bring gifts but if they wanted to gift us anything that our preference would be money. No idea why that is cheeky and why it is for others to decide to give things you have clearly outlined you don't want. We got between £50-100 from friends. Close family gave >£250. We would have been fine with people giving us nothing. Lots didn't.