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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this highly U? Does anyone else have a family member/friend like this?

78 replies

drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 20:54

This is a bit long so sorry in advance...So I have family member (won't be specific) who whenever they have an errand/job to do they somehow feel they have to get others involved. Things like this...say they need to go to the post office to post a parcel, I will get a phone call asking
Where am I?
What am I doing?
What are my plans for the day?

I say oh not much etc etc why?

Then the request follows with "oh I need to get to the post office and I was wondering if you were going into town, you could pass by my house (5-7 mins In opposite direction) and collect said parcel and post it for me? I will follow up with ah sorry I didn't plan on getting in the car today/going into town etc

They will order something from the local shop in my nearest town suburb and then ask me to collect it (to save them a 10 min journey) but it's a 10 min journey for me too Confused

This person is not old, they can drive they don't work all week, they work part time over the weekend! It's starting to drive me nuts!

Now when they ring I'm afraid to say my plans as I know I'll get roped into a job "whilst I'm there" like it's no bother. But sometimes it IS a bother. I hate being put on the spot, I hate saying no too though and I just can't the whole situation!

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!

Anyone else have someone like this in their life??!!

OP posts:
Mrstamborineman · 28/12/2021 20:58

Yes and I think it is laziness, arrogance and self entitlement. I don’t take the bait or give a reason for not being their legs anymore.

Sparklesocks · 28/12/2021 20:58

Why do you say yes? Can’t you say you don’t have time or it doesn’t fit with your plans so they’ll have to do it themselves? You aren’t obligated just because they ask.

DroopyClematis · 28/12/2021 21:02

It's pure laziness and you shouldn't enable it.

sorrysaywhatnow · 28/12/2021 21:05

I have a family member like this. It drives me crazy. By the time they've asked me to borrow/collect/buy whatever it is they need they could have done it themselves

CaddieDawg · 28/12/2021 21:06

To put it bluntly, you need to grow a backbone

CasperGutman · 28/12/2021 21:06

I don't have anyone like this in my life, and I'm not sure you should either.

XjustagirlX · 28/12/2021 21:10

I too would struggle to say no when put in the spot. When you answer the phone and they ask for your plans why don’t you say

  • Im sooo busy today
  • I’ve had such a stressful week so I’m having a chill out day

Once you say tat a handful of times I bet they stop asking you for favours.

Kshhuxnxk · 28/12/2021 21:13

I don't but I also don't understand why you wouldn't ask them why they can't do it themselves.

Hotyogahotchoc · 28/12/2021 21:14

Not quite as bad as that but similar. Friend will often ask me to take her with me to certain places when I go eg shopping places around an hour drive away. I've said whenever she wants to go to let me know and I'll go with her if I am free. She can drive but for some reason wants / expects me to. If I suggest she drives she says she can't drive there as she's never been. I don't know the way without the built in sat nav but surely she is capable of using that too.

She also often asks me to get certain things "if I see it" but she could just go to the shop and get it. I either tell her I'm not likely to see it or I just say I will be I don't because I'm not shopping for her. She's mid30s and I soft understand the mentality of relying on other people for things you can do yourself.

Bluebluemoon · 28/12/2021 21:19

What? You mean a total CF? Most people encounter them in their lives at some point but learn to either avoid/go NC/come up with pre-planned excuses (if the person is unavoidable).

They don't mind being a CF so you shouldn't mind saying "no". And if they realise you are trying to dissuade them from asking you to go out of your way and do "favours" for them constantly, all the better.

Original poster
drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 21:20

Oh I know I need to say no more often but it's hard. A lot of the time it seems like it's no big deal but then it just somehow managed to be a big deal. Like the post office will have a big queue or said delivery to the local shop isn't in until that evening and then I have to call her and say oh I can't get it as it's not in until later and then they'll say something like oh it's no big deal I'm in no rush I'll get it off you whenever I see you next so grab it whenever you want...I guess a lot of the time I'm dumbfounded by it Sad

OP posts:
autieok · 28/12/2021 21:27

That's really cheeky. my dd's do it but they are still young adults so not fully grown up yet! I only work part time so find it hard when people ask me todo stuff as I feel I have to justify my time even though I am busy.

Somuddled · 28/12/2021 21:28

I've not had anyone trying to do this but if faced with that I'd probably just say 'Is there a reason you can't do it?' Or ask favours back right then. So 'sure I can go to the post office for you, while I do that if you pop to the dry cleaners for me that would be great' see what happens then?

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 21:29

ermmm stop answering when they contact you?

MarshmallowSwede · 28/12/2021 21:29

Stop answering when they call. Or turn the tables and start asking them to do your errands. Since they have so much free time it should be “no bother” for them.

Original poster
drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 21:31

I can't not answer them...Sad

OP posts:
Acrasia · 28/12/2021 21:32

Can you call them and ask them to fetch you something from the shop ten minutes away and then see what excuse they use not to do it and then use that excuse on them forever more?

Angryattrackandtrace · 28/12/2021 21:32

Oh god I would hate this…

I have a family member that says “what are you doing On Tuesday?” When I say I don’t know or not much she then says “ahh fab I was hoping you’d babysit/ meet for dinner/ god for a walk”.

I find this very rude. I also don’t see why I should have to explain to problem what I’m doing. It’s bugs me.

I’ve now started to say “what makes you ask” before I answer the question. Maybe this is something you could try?!

Howshouldibehave · 28/12/2021 21:32

Nope, I don’t know anyone like this.

I don’t know why you don’t just say no. Say you’re not going to the post office/into town.

When they ask what you’re up to, say you’re busy and have loads to do.

rrhuth · 28/12/2021 21:33

I have never experienced this! Very cheeky, you need to say no more bluntly I think.

Cavagirl · 28/12/2021 21:36

@drivingmeknuts

I can't not answer them...Sad
Why not?
Original poster
drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 21:37

Because it's a v close family member

OP posts:
phishy · 28/12/2021 21:37

God I can’t be dealing with wet lettuces today.

Enjoy being a doormat.

mediumbrownmug · 28/12/2021 21:37

Been there, done that. Another vote for responding to their question about your plans with, “Why do you ask?” Let then ask their favor and then tell them no, it doesn’t work for you. If they ask why, just repeat. If they push, say you find it awkward that they’re pushing when you’ve already said no, and you’d rather change the subject.

Good luck, OP.

eagerlywaitingfor · 28/12/2021 21:39

When they ask what you're up to that day, just ask them "Why, what do you want me to do this time?".

If you genuinely can't face saying that, then just ask them why they want to know.

Or, of course, you should learn to just say no.

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