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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this highly U? Does anyone else have a family member/friend like this?

78 replies

drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 20:54

This is a bit long so sorry in advance...So I have family member (won't be specific) who whenever they have an errand/job to do they somehow feel they have to get others involved. Things like this...say they need to go to the post office to post a parcel, I will get a phone call asking
Where am I?
What am I doing?
What are my plans for the day?

I say oh not much etc etc why?

Then the request follows with "oh I need to get to the post office and I was wondering if you were going into town, you could pass by my house (5-7 mins In opposite direction) and collect said parcel and post it for me? I will follow up with ah sorry I didn't plan on getting in the car today/going into town etc

They will order something from the local shop in my nearest town suburb and then ask me to collect it (to save them a 10 min journey) but it's a 10 min journey for me too Confused

This person is not old, they can drive they don't work all week, they work part time over the weekend! It's starting to drive me nuts!

Now when they ring I'm afraid to say my plans as I know I'll get roped into a job "whilst I'm there" like it's no bother. But sometimes it IS a bother. I hate being put on the spot, I hate saying no too though and I just can't the whole situation!

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!

Anyone else have someone like this in their life??!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2021 21:41

Fucking hell, stop being such a bloody doormat. You are the problem, not your relative.

ShinyHappyPoster · 28/12/2021 21:41

I wouldn't assume it was laziness. I'd assume it was either someone who has social anxiety so doesn't want to go out. Or it's someone who is quite lonely and doesn't feel able to ask you to visit so comes up with 'reasons' to interact with you.

Sparklesocks · 28/12/2021 21:41

The problem is, as long as you say yes is as long as they’ll ask. Despite how hard it might be to say no on the spot.

So either you pluck up the courage to push back and say no, or that you don’t have time, or they will continue to use you as their little helper for as long as they please. People like this will take as much as they can get if they know people are willing to help. Those are the only options here I’m afraid.

MrTumblesEyebrows · 28/12/2021 21:43

My dickhead sister in law is like this. Or she used to be. Whenever she asked "are you busy?" She'd imply it was to do something with her but invariably it was to do something FOR her. So we started answering "depends what you're trying to con us into doing" and she stopped asking in that way. She always phrased it like she was doing us a favour as well.

"What are you doing Thursday?"
"Nothing"
"I was wondering if you'd like to do xyz for me"

No I bloody wouldn't!

samwitwicky · 28/12/2021 21:43

@Acrasia

Can you call them and ask them to fetch you something from the shop ten minutes away and then see what excuse they use not to do it and then use that excuse on them forever more?

I like this

Original poster
drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 21:43

@Aquamarine1029 It's not my fault they are like that. God I wish I could be more assertive about these things but I'm not. No need to be rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 21:44

@ShinyHappyPoster it's definitely definitely none of those reasons

OP posts:
Mary46 · 28/12/2021 21:44

Op just be more assertive or they will throw more on you.. I would avoid answer the phone. All these small errands add up time wise. I found when I need something they "busy"!!

emailaddressplease · 28/12/2021 21:44

Yep! All the time.

The other day it was 'if you're going in to town can you pop to'

I said no, I'm not going down that end I'm going in and out of town I'm busy today. Then I got a 'oh, well don't worry about it then I just really needed them' it was cards. I said I'm not worrying about it and I'll speak to you later.

It's always the emotional blackmail that follows. I don't fool for it anymore. Why would I worry that you need cards? Not my problem.

beautifullymad · 28/12/2021 21:44

Start being fluffy. If they ask, say you haven't been or if you have that you knew there was something you had to remember. I'd then laugh and say to them at this rate it might be easier/quicker if they collected it.

Be repeatedly fluffy but polite. They will stop asking.

woodhill · 28/12/2021 21:47

Yes definitely but this person is unwell but has a spouse who could do it

Fatgalslim · 28/12/2021 21:50

Your options are to say no or just continue being a doormat

MegsHollyJolly · 28/12/2021 21:50

You could just not answer and say you were in shower/loo/cleaning or out, how would they know unless you are active on facebook/WhatsApp etc. Call me unsocial but I do this all the time if I'm not ready to take a call or respond to message say if I'm walking out of the door, have plans or just want some peace. I always pick up some select people who I am happy to be honest with if something isn't going to work for me but with others I ignore it and make sure I don't go on any apps that show I am active - that way they don't know if you have seen it or not. Don't start ignoring all contact just every other one, pretty soon they won't have you as an errand runner at the drop of the hat and may start contacting others or getting it done themselves.
The only time i wouldn't ignore is if I knew that someone really was dependant on me ie. Sick or injured and needed a hand to get some errands done.

RiverSkater · 28/12/2021 21:52

Whenever they ask just say you are busy. Then what can they say?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2021 21:56

[quote drivingmeknuts]@Aquamarine1029 It's not my fault they are like that. God I wish I could be more assertive about these things but I'm not. No need to be rude. [/quote]
Sorry, but it is your fault that they are like that. You have allowed them to continue to take advantage of you. You could have very easily put an end to this ages ago.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 28/12/2021 22:02

I had a work colleague like this. I think it was just her way of delegating and making herself feel somehow senior to me. She wasn’t. She’d ask me to do something when I was clearly already busy with my hands full and I’d fume silently. Till I plucked up the courage to say no, sorry, I’m a bit busy at the moment. I’d get the odd passive-aggressive comment but I learnt to ignore it. Fuck it. They clearly don’t give a shit about asking so why should we worry about saying no?

Lavender24 · 28/12/2021 22:03

Being assertive takes practise but it gets easier. The other alternative is to put up with it until one of you dies. Which would you prefer?, I spent most of my 20s being a doormat but when I had a baby at 27 I just snapped and stopped taking people's shit. I'm 31 now and wish I'd done it sooner.

What's the worst that could happen if you say no or ignore their calls? Do you even like this person?

Cavagirl · 28/12/2021 22:08

@drivingmeknuts

Because it's a v close family member
Sorry OP but this isn't really a reason.

If you were on an aeroplane, your phone would be off & you wouldn't be able to answer then. Would the sky fall in?

If you find saying no difficult, perhaps the first step can be to become less available? Leave the call, and phone back that evening/tomorrow.

Some PP are being tough, but what they're ultimately saying is the truth. You can't stop this person being a CF, but you can change the way you respond. And unfortunately there's no magic sentence someone can give you to say that will stop them being a CF. They will always be a CF.

VioletLemon · 28/12/2021 22:11

Learn assertive ways to say NO.
Ways that leave nothing open ended, eg. "I can't today, have a good afternoon.. Goodbye". If they question it just repeat, oh I'm unable to do that. Don't add in an apology. If they do say anything respond with, "Oh well" there is nothing anyone can say to that.

NoodleNooNoo · 28/12/2021 22:12

If you are uncomfortable being direct you need to have some responses up your sleeve.

CF: are you busy?
You: Always ...
CF: what are you up to?
You: Loads of little jobs that will probably end up taking my whole day. Why?
CF: I was just wondering if you could ...
You: like I said, I’ve already got loads of annoying stuff to get done
CF: Like what?
You: I don’t want to bore you with the details, unless you’re offering to help?

Bouncebacker · 28/12/2021 22:20

Maybe they are lonely?

onedayoranother · 28/12/2021 22:45

I like what @NoodleNooNoo suggests! Next time they ask and you say 'oh I'm busy but if you don't mind helping me for once then I need xyz doing...' See how far that gets you.

ThePlumVan · 28/12/2021 22:47

I bet it’s your mum OP ??

@Angryattrackandtrace why is being asked to meet for dinner or go for a walk rude ?Confused

SpellBounds · 28/12/2021 22:47

@Acrasia

Can you call them and ask them to fetch you something from the shop ten minutes away and then see what excuse they use not to do it and then use that excuse on them forever more?
Thats what I would do
FoxInABox · 28/12/2021 22:49

My FIL is dreadful for this- it’s like a learned helplessness and control. He can do anything he chooses to, yet needs DH and SIL to pick up prescriptions, sort out refunds/complaints, fill out forms, put the scart lead back in the tv that he removed to use the DVD player yet can’t put back, etc etc. They’ve got better saying no but still say yes to some of it. He is early 60s, drives, manages to go on multiple dates etc, he is not incapable except when it’s something he can’t be bothered doing.
My niece tried this with me for a while- often asking for lifts if she was local, asking me to pick stuff up etc. didn’t contact me other than to ask for things. Started saying no and now she never initiates any contact.