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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find this highly U? Does anyone else have a family member/friend like this?

78 replies

drivingmeknuts · 28/12/2021 20:54

This is a bit long so sorry in advance...So I have family member (won't be specific) who whenever they have an errand/job to do they somehow feel they have to get others involved. Things like this...say they need to go to the post office to post a parcel, I will get a phone call asking
Where am I?
What am I doing?
What are my plans for the day?

I say oh not much etc etc why?

Then the request follows with "oh I need to get to the post office and I was wondering if you were going into town, you could pass by my house (5-7 mins In opposite direction) and collect said parcel and post it for me? I will follow up with ah sorry I didn't plan on getting in the car today/going into town etc

They will order something from the local shop in my nearest town suburb and then ask me to collect it (to save them a 10 min journey) but it's a 10 min journey for me too Confused

This person is not old, they can drive they don't work all week, they work part time over the weekend! It's starting to drive me nuts!

Now when they ring I'm afraid to say my plans as I know I'll get roped into a job "whilst I'm there" like it's no bother. But sometimes it IS a bother. I hate being put on the spot, I hate saying no too though and I just can't the whole situation!

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!

Anyone else have someone like this in their life??!!

OP posts:
user1471604848 · 28/12/2021 22:49

If they ask you to do something, deliberately misunderstand and turn it back on them. Eg:

CF: Can you post X for me?
You : Oh you're going to the post office? That's great! I've a load of parcels I've no time to post, can you do them while you're there posting your item?

Or

CF: Can you collect X delivery for me in town?
You: You need to go into town? Fab, can you pick me up some Y for me while you're there?

OnaBegonia · 28/12/2021 22:53

Of course you can ignore the call!
Being a close relative doesn't give them the right to walk all over you.
TBH you are partly responsible for their behaviour as you're enabling it with always going along with it.
Say NO!

EinsteinaGogo · 28/12/2021 23:00

@NoodleNooNoo

If you are uncomfortable being direct you need to have some responses up your sleeve.

CF: are you busy?
You: Always ...
CF: what are you up to?
You: Loads of little jobs that will probably end up taking my whole day. Why?
CF: I was just wondering if you could ...
You: like I said, I’ve already got loads of annoying stuff to get done
CF: Like what?
You: I don’t want to bore you with the details, unless you’re offering to help?

This ^^^ is good, OP.

Sounds like you've been conditioned to be compliant. Exhausting, isn't it.

You can't break the habit overnight but you can practice your responses (as per @NoodleNooNoo suggestions) and gradually assert yourself / wean your joy-sucking drain off you.

Also take up a hobby.... "oh, I'm doing my couch to 5k training then lying down all day to recover!'

almondcaramelcoconut · 28/12/2021 23:01

Good grief! OP might benefit from being more assertive, but she's really not the problem. The person asking too much is the problem! Hmm Sometimes it's not easy to tell people "no". Especially close family members, and especially if you've been conditioned all your life to be helpful and "do for family". It still has to be done, if someone's taking advantage, but it's not always simple or pleasant.

I know some people think "don't ask, don't get", but there are limits to what and how often people should make requests. If you're asking all the time, you're probably being a nuisance. If you're putting people on the spot without giving them a way to say "no", you're being rude.

lizkt · 28/12/2021 23:02

You hate saying no and they know it so that's why it happens.

But you can learn to start saying no. And there are plenty of ways to say no politely.

Mydogmylife · 28/12/2021 23:05

@drivingmeknuts

I can't not answer them...Sad
Why not ?
pansypotter123 · 28/12/2021 23:07

Why does being a very close family member mean you can't say no?

RobotValkyrie · 28/12/2021 23:09

There's a simple polite answer for any such cheeky request: "no thanks!", with a big warm smile in your voice and on your face.

You can go for the longer version if you wish so: "oh, thanks for the offer, but I can't possibly say yes. You go and do it, you know you want to. I wouldn't want to steal all your fun!"

Gruffalogrinch · 28/12/2021 23:14

@Angryattrackandtrace

Oh god I would hate this…

I have a family member that says “what are you doing On Tuesday?” When I say I don’t know or not much she then says “ahh fab I was hoping you’d babysit/ meet for dinner/ god for a walk”.

I find this very rude. I also don’t see why I should have to explain to problem what I’m doing. It’s bugs me.

I’ve now started to say “what makes you ask” before I answer the question. Maybe this is something you could try?!

I have a friend exactly like this. I’d like to think I have established pretty firm boundaries, and am very good at saying no, but she will still try and push her luck. It’s generally having her children or animals or her wanting to borrow my car. No chance!
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 23:21

Every time you have a conversation that starts off with a question about your plans for the day, have ready a litany of complaints about how frantically busy you are and you have literally no time to spare.

AllLopsided · 28/12/2021 23:24

I have a friend who doesn't get in touch for weeks then contacts me because she wants something. I've learned to be evasive when answering questions about what I'm up to. I also find if I ignore her messages starting 'I feel bad for asking but I need xxx' for 15 mins or so, she will have found someone else to do whatever it is she wants by the time I reply! She will never make social plans with me in advance, she'll always call at the last minute, and wonder why I'm not free (often genuinely, because I have my own life!).

My advice is to ignore, have an excuse ready or be flaky - all work for me. Some people have very thick skin!

Flowers500 · 28/12/2021 23:26

Tell the Queen of Sheba to fuck off

Juniper68 · 28/12/2021 23:35

I hope you can become assertive.

Angryattrackandtrace · 29/12/2021 01:13

@ThePlumVan in the face of it it appears like a lovely invitation doesn’t it?

But actually, someone knowing you don’t have set plans and then filling your day for you it rude. Especially when they sulk when you politely say no and then question why you says no weeks later when you see them. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to people.
I find it very controlling and presumptuous.

Also, they would literally fill up every minute of my day and leave me no time to make plans with others!

Just wish it was asked differently I guess so I wasn’t put in an awkward situation.

After all I don’t want to walk their dog just cos I don’t have any set plans 🤣🤣.

3luckystars · 29/12/2021 01:27

They are using you.

If you don’t do the tasks, they will move on and find someone else. At least you are wise to it now and can have an excuse ready.

Look at it like an exploratory study on being a user.
When they call, get your ‘order’ in first. Ask them to do something for you and I bet you they won’t do it.
Listen to the excuses they come up with and it will be funny.

They know exactly what they are doing, using you.

Tiredout123 · 29/12/2021 01:29

Are they scared of Covid?

CSIblonde · 29/12/2021 01:38

You are not their PA. And if you can't face 'sorry, no can do, I'm busy today ' ( explaining with what will lead to them negotiating or pester power tactics). Its fine not to answer the phone every single time: especially as theyre just using it to issue demands, not for social interaction. The world will not end if you say no to a relative taking the p*.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 29/12/2021 01:42

What would happen if you didn't answer the phone? WW3? Armageddon?

To put it nicely you need to learn to say no, unless there's some background lika a disability that means they can't physically do it? Because I'm physically disabled yet don't pull this shit.

I think you need to approach it nicely, and kindly and next time they ask say no I have an appointment with the Queen/Prime Minister/the dog groomers cat groomer, just make an excuse to not do it.

Then next time, tell them they've caught you on the spot and you've started cooking something you can't leave alone for 5 hours.

Then next time just say no you can't do it.

I appreciate that it's hard but if you're really unhappy do these things, you either need to talk to them about it, and say you don't like being put on the spot, and that you will ring them if you're going somewhere and is there anything you can pick up, then don't call them.

sweetbellyhigh · 29/12/2021 01:45

No but that sounds deeply irritating. Not cool of them to be so manipulative.

I'd probably start saying, "why do you ask, did you need something?"

I had a friend like this, she'd ask me to dinner - and it would turn out she wanted me to write her CV while I was there.

Or she'd suggest a trip to the gallery - and it would turn out she'd planned I'd drive and we'd use my pass to obtain her discount.

There was always a subtext.

I prefer straightforward arrangements, I don't like feeling manipulated so I don't see her anymore.

Though if she'd been honest, I wouldn't have minded at all.

NumberTheory · 29/12/2021 02:43

I have had this of a sort-of-friend I quickly started responding to her question about my plans with "What do you want this time?" in a weary tone and then just said "yes" or "No" to the request depending on whether or not it put me out (so almost always "No"). It didn't last long, she moved on to other "friends".

But if you haven't got to that stage yet and you like telling her your plans you can just say "No, that'll take me out of my way." to the request.

The middle ground is to always claim to be very busy but be vague and turn it back on her. So something like "Oh, I've got tons on today, can't chat for long. Why, what are you doing?" to sort of preempt any request. And then when you say, "Sorry, can't fit that in." or "It won't take you hours longer that it would take me." you have already set a context for that.

*Don't make out you two are equal in this. It's her task not yours. So if you can do it in 15 minutes and it would take her 30, that's not a good reason for you to be doing it instead of her.

Snog · 29/12/2021 09:31

Say you are doing an online course in assertiveness this year and won't have time to be running other peoples errands while you are doing it.

picklemewalnuts · 29/12/2021 09:38

Honestly this is easier than you think,@drivingmeknuts .

Just treat it as conversation not demands. You are actually buying in to their subtext without them needing to spell it out.

When they say
'Can you just...',
answer
'why can't you do it?'

If they want you to pop to the post office, say 'no, it will take ages and I really need an easy day today.'

Also, get your answer in before they ask it- 'hi mum, sorry I can't chat, I've got so much to do today I'll meet myself coming back.'

Chances are, they are trying to feel loved and wanted by getting you to run around after them. Find other ways of making them feel loved, either by pretending you are running round after them (I brought you some milk, I know you hate carrying it home) or by finding another way- giving them gifts, telling them how much they mean to you, etc.

RedBonnet · 29/12/2021 09:46

@Acrasia

Can you call them and ask them to fetch you something from the shop ten minutes away and then see what excuse they use not to do it and then use that excuse on them forever more?
I was going to suggest this. Ring them every day with a request. Be relentless. It's effective to mirror someone's behaviour to teach them how to behave. Also say no. Without an apology or excuse. Just a simple no..
SarahBellam · 29/12/2021 09:56

@Bouncebacker

Maybe they are lonely?
Or lazy, there’s no way of knowing, but either way it’s not a good reason to get someone to do jobs they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. If they want company it’s infinitely more appropriate so suggest coming over for a coffee or meeting up in town or similar. What is currently happening now is that the OP feels used.
Beautiful3 · 29/12/2021 10:30

When she asks you what you're doing this weekend, just say, I'm sorry but I've no plans to go into town. If she says, that's okay puck it up whenever, just don't! Never run errands for someone who is capable, otherwise you're a mug. When I was much younger an older lady at work kept asking me to pick up something, at least once a week during my 30 minute break. I did it for months. Until one day someone commented on it, I was advised to say no. So I started saying, sorry I'm not going out (I would still pop out to grab my lunch). She eventually stopped asking me, and moved onto someone else.