To feel his tablets are ruining us

[Toomanybiccys123]

My boyfriends in agony with chronic back pain. When we got together he just carried on. He was working. Walking loads with me. We were having regular sex. Then 2 months ago a nerve I presume has trapped. His muscles are swollen and like speed bumps in his back. He needs a scan and can't work. He's in a terrible place really.

I've stepped up to help him in various ways. Money. Food. Dog walking. Listening. Massages. Reassurance. Support.

I've been on the end of his moods and I've not taken it personally. But I've also had to be firm and put him in his place when his language was foul towards me on a particular rough couple of weeks.. he made me feel like shit and was so wrapped up in himself and his pain (understandble) he couldn't see the hurt he was causing me. Infact he ended the relationship. Blocked me on everything. 24 hours later I'm in a field walking my dog and get a text saying could I go down to talk. With tears in his eyes he explained he was sorry and ashamed. He explained he felt attacked and was struggling with side effects of pain relief and was just feeling awful. We talked and sorted it.

Today is My sons birthday. I told my boyfriend I'd head to his early evening by 7pm once my son was ready for bed and his dad would be looking after him. I called at 6pm to say I was having a quick bath and would be down in 45 minutes. He was groggy and I knew he was sleeping. He was disorientated and abit short. When I asked if he'd hear the door if he fell back to sleep he said what?? I'm not asleep. I said if you fall asleep again. I could tell he was moody so I said shall I just Come down tomorrow morning for abit. I explained I couldn't stay over until Friday after tonight etc. He just said it was up to me and seemed defensive. So I said OK well I'll come in the morning. He said right OK that's fine bye. Then went. I got of the phone and thought I hope that doesn't lead to a moody tomorrow aswel.

I've noticed since these tablets he doesn't stay awake beyond 9pm. Sex just isn't happening because of his pain. His moods are abit up and down. He's lonely. But his efforts are minimal at the moment and sitting at his house is our only option.

Ofcourse I want to be there for him and I still hope he will get sorted and stuff. But tonight feels abit shitty on his part. He could have easily text to say I'm taking my tablets early and you know they make me drowsy. Come another day. Or just walk in as I'd love to see you . But to just fall asleep when he knows I get a lift over.

I feel a little exhausted by him and the ups and downs.

Am I being unfair?

This sounds like such a miserable relationship. How old are you both? How old are your kids?

You sound so anxious and sound like you’re always upset, worried and pussyfooting around him (not to mention giving him money) that this relationship is not worth it. I say time to move on.

Pain is awful, not as so many have said, it doesn’t give you the right to verbally abuse your partner.

He won’t consider a career change, he was offered a scan and wouldn’t go, he won’t engage in physio. He’s not doing anything except taking your money and making you feel like shit.

And very much this. He should be taking these opportunities to get better but it sounds like he can’t be arsed.

I think you need to end this OP. The situation he's in is very sad, but this guy isn't your spouse, he's a man you've been seeing for the last year - you haven't made any promises to be with him 'in sickness and in health.'

In the nicest possible way you need better boundaries this early on in a relationship. His many issues are not your problems to solve, but you're making them yours and then they are becoming reasons to stay. But again, he's not your husband or long term partner. This isn't a case of having to try and make it work. It's not being selfish or unkind to end the relationship if it's not working for you, which it clearly isn't.

As someone who has had a disc problem I totally sympathise with him, one of the worst things I have had in my life and I have an auto immune condition. Coincidentally my ExDH, went on to have a slipped disc early in our relationship, if I hadn't experienced similar I would not have understood what he was suffering. He tried everything and at times was almost out of control with the pain. When he eventually had a scan it showed the only cure was an operation as his disc had burst. He had tried everything until then, physio, chiropractors and even someone who was some kind of healer he was so desperate.

I have every sympathy with anyone living with pain - but it’s not at all reasonable for him to involve the OP in any aspect of his suffering.

He’s known her just a year! All he should be doing is offering to meet her when he is feeling his best, to do normal things like eat and chat. All pain management, hospital appointments, or other issues related to his condition should be things he deals with outside this new relationship.

Surely there must be people he relied on before he met the OP? Even if not, he is not her job. And he should know this.

Especially because I won't be able to stop overnight now until the weekend and that's going to potentially trigger moods.

This, on top of everything else, is the sign for me that you need to cut him loose. It's only been a year and that mask slipped real fast to treat you like this. No one should feel the way you do in a relationship. All of his issues are not your problem. (And if someone appears to be cut off from everyone else in their circle, they are usually the problem)

I don't think his pain means he can treat you like shit.

How long have you been together?

If he's not making you happy, end it.

I'll never understand why women put up with miserable shit like this.
Why do women so readily take on man projects?
You'd be better off without him.

If he won't contemplate any work other than what he's used to, he's in danger of disqualifying himself from benefits. You need to stop supporting him financially.

I blew a disc a few years ago and was in terrible pain for weeks until the GP understood that yes, I was actually in terrible pain and to get me something to help me sleep and function. I was also provided amitriptiline but also a muscle relaxer (diazepam) to use in conjunction with the ami and ibuprofen. If his back muscles are in spasm that can be causing a lot of the pain as well and these need to be relaxed to help lower inflammation that may be putting pressure on nerves.

Throughout all that pain I may have snapped once or twice at my partner but always recognised it was the pain talking and apologised. Or if I was having an off day I would warn him in advance. I also took control of helping myself by making GP appointments, getting that Uber to the scan, going to physio and doing my exercises.

This guy sounds like he wants you to solve all his problems for him and while yeah, chronic pain is no fun, you cant do the scan for him, do his physio for him, etc. Don't let him guilt you into staying by appearing helpless and with no one to help him - i imagine if you left he would quite quickly be able to figure things out.

@redastherose

It may be harsh but if you've only been in this relationship for a year and you are spending every waking hour trying to help him maybe you should reconsider being in the relationship. You don't have to signup for a life, as a carer and his whipping boy on a fairly short relationship.

This is exactly it. For whatever reason it’s not working and it COULD be better but he’s treating you badly and that in itself isn’t mandatory when you’re on pain medication

He’s taking the piss, he’s NOT doing everything HE can to help himself

He sounds arrogant and he’s not in a position to be so.

It’s only a year, yeah it sucks, but this isn’t working out at all and it’s unlike he’ll treat you any better than he is now because this is very probably who he is and who he was all along but he’s masked it until now.

Get out and stay out. Where are your standards?!

I have a type of nerve pain that is the worst agony I have ever known. I'd happily give birth 20 times over instead. But I've never treated DH the way your partner has treated you. Yes, pain is terrifying and painkillers are debilitating but underneath it you still know how you are behaving.

@redastherose

It may be harsh but if you've only been in this relationship for a year and you are spending every waking hour trying to help him maybe you should reconsider being in the relationship. You don't have to signup for a life, as a carer and his whipping boy on a fairly short relationship.

This...

He may gets loads better, he may worsen considerably... The issue is, you have no idea.

You need to work out where you want your life to go.

It's one thing to be supportive. But to be an unpaid carer for someone with significant pain who you've only been with a short time?

If it were me, I'd be wanting to find out likely progression /prognosis.

I have had pretty bad chronic conditions where I've been out of my head in meds.... But I've not been as vile to others as he appears to be....

But obviously people are different.

Does je show any empathy to you?

You've only been together a year.

That's not long enough to decide whether you want to be his unpaid career.

He's making you cry, he's being horrible... I get he's in pain, but you don't have to stay with him. You don't owe him care.

My brother has had major back problems and surgeries and lives with chronic pain. He does work although wasn’t able to at the time. I remember when he was waiting for one of his operations he was on a lot of medication and in a lot of pain and I was having a conversation with him and said he wasn’t listening to me.

He fired back that his head was preoccupied with the pain and he couldn’t concentrate on what I was saying all he could feel was pain and the meds made him lethargic. He was consumed with pain and couldn’t get past it.

Maybe not helpful OP but he did get the message across that he could barely function never mind consider career changes, relationships or, at that point, the future.

Regardless of whether you stay with him or not, suggest that he asks his GP about Pregabalin or Gabapentin. The latter helps me with the hideous, searing pain of Sciatica that comes with an impinged nerve. I can't describe how all-encompassing this pain is and I do sympathise with your partner.

But I also sympathise with you. I can sometimes get snappy with my husband when the pain & side effects are at their worst. I hate myself for it, I really do, but I'm keenly aware of it and I work hard to make sure it's as infrequently as possible. If your partner can't see, even through his pain, that he's hurting you, maybe you should consider ending the relationship.

Even if he got a scan and the issues were identified tomorrow, it's going to take a while to sort them out. He needs to see his GP and work out a combined medication plan to cover nerve pain, general pain and inflammation in the meantime. Mine is Zomorph, Oramorph, Gabapentin, Naproxen and Paracetamol. I also use Ralvo medicated patches which are good at numbing pain as they impart anesthetic via the skin.

It must be very hard for you to consider ending things with him. Pain on this scale is all encompassing at times, but I firmly believe it doesn't have to make you a nasty person.

Op as soon as I read amitriptyline I felt it could be a big factor in his behaviour. I have all sorts of back issues and it was the first pain killer my Gp gave me. It was horrendous, it's an older generation antidepressant that was found to also help dull nerve pain, but it was the worst medication I've ever tried. Yes I would take it before bed time and it knocked me out, but it then effected me during the day as well, and I was only on a low dose. I felt like a zombie, I couldn't think straight and felt drugged all day, it also gave me some strange hallucinations that were scary. It didn't even help the pain much. After a few weeks I went back to the Drs in a right state and unable to function, then I was given naproxen which was better but still made me feel a lot of side effects. Because I have chronic fatigue as well as EDS, arthritis and my back issues, the Dr suggested trying Tramadol next as he said some people find it helps with the exhaustion as well as the pain. I've been on the max daily dose for years now and the pain clinic is happy for me to stay on it all the time it's help. It does actually give me an energy boost as well as really reduces my pain which is chronic and before was ruining my life. I still have to have physio and a procedure on my spine every 18 months to burn the nerves, but my quality of life would be zero again without Tramadol. They also gave me a slow release version for overnight as the standard capsules wear off after about 4/5 hours. It's not given out by Drs as much now because of the opioid crisis in the US worrying the powers that be in England. Everyone's different so a painkiller that works well for one person might give another horrible side effects, it's a bit trial and error. He does sound in a really bad way though and needs more help from his Dr or pain clinic, it's impossible to lead a half normal life when you're in that much pain constantly and feeling drugged up to the eyeballs. He could also find counselling and cbt helpful, especially if this is going to be longterm, to come to terms with his life changing and his quality of life being limited. I'd suggest asking for a referral to a neurologist as well who can help with nerve pain.

I'm not defending G his treatment of you though op, if this is how he is in your 1st year together and the honeymoon period, his condition sounds long u term and if he doesn't get more help you're going to carry on being the one he takes things out on. He has my sympathy, living like this is a miserable existence, but you need to put yourself and your dc first, maybe some time apart as a first step just to get some head space and think about what a future together could potentially be like, he may need more surgery and care, even on different meds he might still behave this way, sending op this is a really tough situation x

You do know you didn’t sign up to be his emotional punch bag?

Get him to a physio. I slipped a disc in my twenties and it was agony. GPs were useless. I was so grumpy with my then BF as I was in constant pain and nausea.

One physio session improved it overnight and doing the exercises every day made it go away. It came back sometimes but I just did the exercises. Life changing for the price of two visits to a sports physio.

And be very careful of strong painkillers as they can be addictive and really create horrible mood swings and personality changes.

But he's already decided he's not interested in the exercises. He just wants a scan.
so just wants to slump on the couch and take painkillers? - that'll help a lot.

He is using you as a punching bag. You can't cure him or solve his problems and he can't give you the attention you need - end it.

Just to add it was the occ health physio who made my brothers back problems worse, he was being treated for another injury. I would recommend a scan before treatment.

The pain is a red herring here, and I say that as someone with chronic pain.

Based on your later updates, he's verbally abusive, controlling and has you second guessing everything you say and scared you've upset him all the time. He's abusive. You have kids. Your precious time and attention is being diverted to a man who is cruel to you.

He's just texting me now and asked if I'm wanting to go down today. I've text back and said I can go down but it's his decision to make if he wants me too.

You're incredibly passive. You've basically said you're available at the drop of a hat and it's up to him whether you go or not. Were you always so passive (in which case you're vulnerable to abusive people and need to have some therapy to work on this so you don't repeat this pattern) or has he ground you down?

You're one year in. This should be the easy bit.

I have chronic pain and other health conditions. It doesn't give me the right to be an arsehole to my partner. It wouldn't excuse me if I was controlling and abusive.

This man is bad news. This is not what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. Nowhere near.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

I have multiple herniated disks, issues with the bones, nerves, and disks themselves. I had a really bad herniated disk 5 years ago which left me in screaming agony with burning pain in my leg. I've lost sensation in my saddle area and piss myself frequently. Yay.

I currently take:
Butec 20mg patches
30/500 co-codamol
Pregabalin
Duloxetine
Ibuprofen

This, before my back got worse kept me going but for the last year its been hell. They don't even take the edge off, but apparently I can't be prescribed anything else. If the pain is especially bad, I'll add some Neurfen plus to the regime too.

I haven't had back surgery, and am waiting on a pain clinic appointment. Has he specifically asked his GP to refer him for a scan?

I obviously do not condone his treatment, but I understand it, it is absolutely and utterly soul destroying being in this position. I literally can't do anything physical. The only time I go out, is to go to the supermarket. And I usually end up in bed for 3 days due to exhaustion. I also live off sick pay because I'm not entitled to ESA so I live off £300 a month, I'm grateful for it, however I was earning that a week when I could work.

I understand his agony, and the sleeping sometimes due to meds, sometimes due to depression, and the frustration at the Drs, it is a miserable existence, if you genuinely can't cope then end the relationship, because it isn't fair on either of you. He shouldn't be taking it out on you, he might want to contact talking therapies as they may be able to help with the mental health side of things.

Off topic slightly but can I ask f you have any issue keeping your patches on?!? I'm also on them and I have to wear a compression sleeve to keep the patch from lifting in the centre. It's driving me CRAZY!!!!

He's not right for you. Doesnt sound like much of a life to share.