To feel his tablets are ruining us

[Toomanybiccys123]

My boyfriends in agony with chronic back pain. When we got together he just carried on. He was working. Walking loads with me. We were having regular sex. Then 2 months ago a nerve I presume has trapped. His muscles are swollen and like speed bumps in his back. He needs a scan and can't work. He's in a terrible place really.

I've stepped up to help him in various ways. Money. Food. Dog walking. Listening. Massages. Reassurance. Support.

I've been on the end of his moods and I've not taken it personally. But I've also had to be firm and put him in his place when his language was foul towards me on a particular rough couple of weeks.. he made me feel like shit and was so wrapped up in himself and his pain (understandble) he couldn't see the hurt he was causing me. Infact he ended the relationship. Blocked me on everything. 24 hours later I'm in a field walking my dog and get a text saying could I go down to talk. With tears in his eyes he explained he was sorry and ashamed. He explained he felt attacked and was struggling with side effects of pain relief and was just feeling awful. We talked and sorted it.

Today is My sons birthday. I told my boyfriend I'd head to his early evening by 7pm once my son was ready for bed and his dad would be looking after him. I called at 6pm to say I was having a quick bath and would be down in 45 minutes. He was groggy and I knew he was sleeping. He was disorientated and abit short. When I asked if he'd hear the door if he fell back to sleep he said what?? I'm not asleep. I said if you fall asleep again. I could tell he was moody so I said shall I just Come down tomorrow morning for abit. I explained I couldn't stay over until Friday after tonight etc. He just said it was up to me and seemed defensive. So I said OK well I'll come in the morning. He said right OK that's fine bye. Then went. I got of the phone and thought I hope that doesn't lead to a moody tomorrow aswel.

I've noticed since these tablets he doesn't stay awake beyond 9pm. Sex just isn't happening because of his pain. His moods are abit up and down. He's lonely. But his efforts are minimal at the moment and sitting at his house is our only option.

Ofcourse I want to be there for him and I still hope he will get sorted and stuff. But tonight feels abit shitty on his part. He could have easily text to say I'm taking my tablets early and you know they make me drowsy. Come another day. Or just walk in as I'd love to see you . But to just fall asleep when he knows I get a lift over.

I feel a little exhausted by him and the ups and downs.

Am I being unfair?

I think he sounds awful and you should end the relationship. Chronic pain is horrendous but it doesn't excuse his behaviour and you deserve to be treated with more respect than this.

has he seen anybody specifically for pain management?

You looking after him will wear you down if he’s snappy believe me I know how you feel with my h and I have my own pain to cope this arthritis. I find for me a hot water bottle does wonders, I use a stick now for getting out of a chair so that helps, meds are paracetamol ibuprofen and codeine if really mad,

I'm in a relationship with someone with chronic pain. It's properly shit. We have a child together. If we didn't, I would be outta here. Run away, OP, run away very fast.

I do think some people with chronic pain can manage to be perfectly lovely to be in a relationship with. But those people are probably women. 🤔

It's hardly a relationship, being yelled at by someone doped up on painkillers. He doesn't sound like he's really engaging with the treatments on offer either.

Honestly, from reading your posts, it sounds like he's got chronic pain and substance issues. The fact that it's prescribed substances makes no difference.

What are you getting from this relationship other than misery?

Can he get a private scan? He needs to sort this ASAP for both your sakes

You're being unreasonable in expecting him to function as normal when he's in agony with a severe exacerbation of chronic back issues.

However, nobody is obliged to remain with a person in searing agony and you are absolutely free to leave him and find a man who is able to have sex.

I think today is a day where I feel like I'm putting too much in and getting very little back. There are days we are great. Days he's positive. Like Christmas eve. He spent the whole day telling me he loved me and was gagging to see me and wanted sex. He was so happy to see me. Then today it's the other way. He's ended up letting me down last minute after me working things out around my children. I expect tomorrow will go negatively. Especially because I won't be able to stop overnight now until the weekend and that's going to potentially trigger moods. I still half expect him to blame me for being indecisive with the phone call.

What am I getting from this relationship? A massive mixture of emotions. Highs and lows. Confused because everyday feels different.

What's the realistic long term prognosis for this relationship? You could end up being his carer in a relatively short while. Are you OK with that? It's going to get harder to end the relationship the longer it goes on. I don't see his pain or moods massively improving.

Well he has woken up and been online. Read my message from 6.30 and said nothing. His lights just gone off 4 minutes ago, one minute after I sent him a further message to check he was OK. I feel like he's now creating anxiety in me which drives me crazy and has been a regular thing In our relationship.

I think alot isn't really right for us and I'm torn due to my feelings and due to loving him. I'm not shallow. But it's hard for me this. times like this I lay here thinking what should be happening vs what is happening. I should not be worried about his moods. If I've done the wrong thing once again to trigger a bad day. I know itl be me. The way I called. The way I said it. They way I worded it. He could emotionally punish me for this. He's a grown man and there's many things he hasn't done lately for me I believe he could have done. I've been helping him financially. He pays most back. But getting nothing from him Christmas day and him not even buying my son some sweets for his birthday or my kids a box of sweets to share for Christmas makes me feel like he's completely self absorbed right now and uninterested in family life. I stayed over Christmas eve. It was strange for me leaving my kids so I set an alarm to be home for 6am. He was so positive that day. He said he will hold my hand and walk me home. He walked 1 mile out of the 3 with me in the end and left Me to walk through the main part of town (highstreet area) at 5.30 in the morning alone. It was dark, raining and not a single car passed me in the 35 minutes I walked alone. All that was going in my head was, what sort of man does this. He knows I have kids. But then to leave me to walk alone at that time?? It felt like an insult. He didn't even check on me during that time.

I'll be honest we've only been back on some sort of track since last week. He was pretty bad for 2 or 3 weeks before Christmas. My children were poorly and I was too. I also went into hospital for a blood transfusion. He was frustrated how little I could go round. Which resulted in him getting moody and he did a massive outburst about me and my phone. Complaining I message him too much. He was awful to me several times over the course of 2 weeks.

Just lying here now writing on here I just keep being hit with little things over the last few weeks. How often I've cried. How much he's blamed me and said things that are wrong within me regarding us. Then asking me for money. I've got this horrible feeling that I'm in for another round because he fell asleep and I expressed disappointment and that tomorrow his messages will be a little off which could lead to me anxious and him yelling if I dare ring to try communicate clearer.

I feel alot of confusion right now. Tonight's forced me to look at it and it feels like he's not in the same world as me.

Truthfully I don't know what to do. My minds stuck struggling to make decisions because one day everything's great with us. The next his moods cancel out anything good from before. I don't know what to do.

I'm assuming that you didn't leave your children home alone whilst you went there, so I'll just look at your other complaints.

1. Walking home. He's got a horrendous spinal issue. By that time, having sex and the painkillers wearing off, he's lucky if he made it back in through the front door after walking a mile - were you seriously expecting him to walk six miles there and back?

1. Buying things for your kids. He's not their father. Why would he?

1. Every message involves movement to pick up the phone. Movement feels incredibly painful with a back problem like the one you describe. And if he's not sleeping properly due to that pain, the messages are likely to be disturbing him every time he nods off from exhaustion.

1. He's in pain. Nobody in pain really wants to be dealing with somebody else's shit, especially when it gets turned on them that they aren't leaping around and being a good enough boyfriend.

1. Sex. It bloody hurts, nerve pain and numbness can completely kill all sensation and all the medication also acts to lower sexual function and desire. Plus there's the fear of doing more damage and potentially ending up paralysed, incontinent and completely dead from the waist down. But there's somebody else complaining that there's not enough sex.

You're right, he isn't in the same world as you. He's in one of constant pain, immobility, fear of total permanent disability and dependence upon others. He's not in the world where you can be kept happy.

Being in pain must be so hard for him but the fact he's repeatedly emotionally manipulated you, screamed at you, taken your money, let you down, taken you for granted - and it sounds like you're scared how he'll react - well, I can see why you're questioning the relationship. It sounds shit tbh.

[quote Toomanybiccys123]@Dizzywizz

He really has explored everything.
Naproxen.
Cocodomol.
Oramorph.
Oxycodone
Amitriptyline
Cbd oil
Paracetamol
Ibruprofen.
Dicolfenic.
Capsicum cream (can't spell)
Deep heat
Acupressure mat
Walking.
Stretching
Physio.
Gels
Hot baths
Cannabis

Everything you can think of. He's onto the Dr's every week..he's begging for a scan.
Everything makes him sick, sleepy or moody..

But it's not fair how its affecting me. Its getting abit difficult.[/quote]
I notice you don't mention prescribed slow release Buprenorphine patches? They are amazing! Each patch lasts 7 days and put it this way, without them I cannot walk. With them I can go out and do a supermarket shop!!!!

@SpanielsAreMyLife

Honestly, from reading your posts, it sounds like he's got chronic pain and substance issues. The fact that it's prescribed substances makes no difference.

What are you getting from this relationship other than misery?

What a ridiculously MASSIVE leap! Did you see the post from OP about his surgeries and issues with his spine? The scoliosis? He's on painkillers for AGONISING pain. HOW is that a substance issue????

He needs to find a way to get himself to the hospital an hour away.

Op, I'm so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to your poor boyfriend, and to you.
I recognise everything you have said, and all the meds you mention.
My husband has been like this for two years and two months now. He has had Pain clinics by Zoom.
I know how hard it is.
I am married and would never leave my husband, but some days I wonder what happened to my husband pretty much over night 2 years ago. many emergency hospital visits, sent to A&E over and over by the GP - once the GP put husband in his own car and took him!

My husband is only in his 30s and was super fit.
n desperation, I bought him Cannabis (neither of us smokes it or does any drugs or booze). He smokes it with tobacco and is he is now very heavily dependent on it and it is bankrupting us. But he still has the pain.

I send support to you. I wish I had answers. A pain clinic online with other people to talk to and a structured course with those people really helped my husband's state of mind.

Regardless of the pain, he’s not treating you with respect and the moods and blaming you aren’t acceptable. The demanding of your time and sulks if you can’t because of your kids. Nah, not on.
I don’t think this is all about his pain.
I’d think about laying it all out on the line. If he doesn’t start treating you with some respect and stop being moody if you aren’t at his beck and call, there is no future. Tell him this, and mean it.

I take amytripiline for nerve pain and I believe (well its what I've been told) that you only take it at night.
If he's taking it through the day no wonder he cant function as it really does knock you out
(Though not me tonight for some reason )
Agree that physio and a scan would help
Also agree that regardless of pain he's being a shit and you need to speak up, but it's hard to kick someone when they are already down

He isn’t the man for you . Chronic pain is absolutely awful to manage and deal with . I have it on a daily basis but I do not speak to people the way he speaks to you. I have to say I was on amitriptyline and when I wasn’t sleeping it gave me the most horrendous mood swings of my life. I was like a dragon ready to explode all the time. I never did Bit I was close.

Can the pain clinic do further scans and offer physio . Sadly some back pain can’t be cured or managed but you learn to get on with it.

Also has he tried tramadol or sports physio massages ? Both of them really helped me out

I've just been prescribed GABAPENTIN for my chronic pain issue after being on amitryptilline....its helped me.

Can I also say chronic long term pain is awful, until you have had it you have no idea. It's not an excuse to be horrible to someone, but with all the drugs he's on, the pain etc he's def not himself atm

Maybe he could try either Pregabalin or Gabapentin. They are both used for neuropathic pain

I am not in any way excusing his lashing out at you. As I do not think all of that can be put down to his chronic pain.

I have lived with it since my late teens, am now mid 40s. And while sometimes I can be snappy, miserable, or upset which effects those closest to me. I do think your DP sounds like he has crossed the line into being abusive.

I found tramadol, pregabalin and severadol have allowed me to function.

Pain management clinics tend to be less about meds and more about mindfulness and pacing.

He needs to push for his scan and maybe a referral to a pain consultant.

Hi OP, my partner has chronic pain. One thing I noticed about your posts is the variety of different medicines. Oramorph last week and amatriptalin this week. Starting and stopping different meds will have side affects. As others have said amatriptalin should be taken at night.

You listed a pain management clinic. Are they able to give advice about medication. They should have dedicated staff for that.

Could the patient transport service take him for the scan.
Sorry to see that he has given up the exercises as some gentle stretches could help what sounds like sciatica.