To feel his tablets are ruining us

[Toomanybiccys123]

My boyfriends in agony with chronic back pain. When we got together he just carried on. He was working. Walking loads with me. We were having regular sex. Then 2 months ago a nerve I presume has trapped. His muscles are swollen and like speed bumps in his back. He needs a scan and can't work. He's in a terrible place really.

I've stepped up to help him in various ways. Money. Food. Dog walking. Listening. Massages. Reassurance. Support.

I've been on the end of his moods and I've not taken it personally. But I've also had to be firm and put him in his place when his language was foul towards me on a particular rough couple of weeks.. he made me feel like shit and was so wrapped up in himself and his pain (understandble) he couldn't see the hurt he was causing me. Infact he ended the relationship. Blocked me on everything. 24 hours later I'm in a field walking my dog and get a text saying could I go down to talk. With tears in his eyes he explained he was sorry and ashamed. He explained he felt attacked and was struggling with side effects of pain relief and was just feeling awful. We talked and sorted it.

Today is My sons birthday. I told my boyfriend I'd head to his early evening by 7pm once my son was ready for bed and his dad would be looking after him. I called at 6pm to say I was having a quick bath and would be down in 45 minutes. He was groggy and I knew he was sleeping. He was disorientated and abit short. When I asked if he'd hear the door if he fell back to sleep he said what?? I'm not asleep. I said if you fall asleep again. I could tell he was moody so I said shall I just Come down tomorrow morning for abit. I explained I couldn't stay over until Friday after tonight etc. He just said it was up to me and seemed defensive. So I said OK well I'll come in the morning. He said right OK that's fine bye. Then went. I got of the phone and thought I hope that doesn't lead to a moody tomorrow aswel.

I've noticed since these tablets he doesn't stay awake beyond 9pm. Sex just isn't happening because of his pain. His moods are abit up and down. He's lonely. But his efforts are minimal at the moment and sitting at his house is our only option.

Ofcourse I want to be there for him and I still hope he will get sorted and stuff. But tonight feels abit shitty on his part. He could have easily text to say I'm taking my tablets early and you know they make me drowsy. Come another day. Or just walk in as I'd love to see you . But to just fall asleep when he knows I get a lift over.

I feel a little exhausted by him and the ups and downs.

Am I being unfair?

I don't know why everyone is focused on suggesting different pain killers when they should be focusing on the fact that he's horrible to you, and doesn't care about you or your children.

Leave him. His pain issues are not yours to sort. Don't carry on being an emotional punching bag. New relationships should be fun and this sounds anything but.

[quote Toomanybiccys123]@Dizzywizz

He really has explored everything.
Naproxen.
Cocodomol.
Oramorph.
Oxycodone
Amitriptyline
Cbd oil
Paracetamol
Ibruprofen.
Dicolfenic.
Capsicum cream (can't spell)
Deep heat
Acupressure mat
Walking.
Stretching
Physio.
Gels
Hot baths
Cannabis

Everything you can think of. He's onto the Dr's every week..he's begging for a scan.
Everything makes him sick, sleepy or moody..

But it's not fair how its affecting me. Its getting abit difficult.[/quote]
As a chronic pain sufferer for more than a decade I can tell you that while that list seems exhaustive, he's barely scratched the surface on some of the many many medication options available to try and treat his condition. Also amitriptyline alone will do nothing. He needs a balanced regimen of pain medication, physical activity/exercises, physiotherapy, and psychological tools to help him manage. There are so so many things he can still try.

I could list everything I have tried on here and I would blow past any word/character limits for a post, and still have more to add.

He is in pain, and it sucks, and it makes us shitty sometimes. But WE control how we react to that. He can have a bad day and be in a bit of a mood without being an asshole.

And while that medication in particular makes people sleep hard (and feel shit in the mornings), just being in pain all the time is beyond exhausting on its own. That medication isn't a pain killer. It can help with neuropathic pain but is generally given to pain patients who aren't sleeping. Also, if its side effects are too harsh there is a similar medication that achieves the same effects without the instant knock out/morning hangovers (nortriptyline).

You cannot fix this, and he can't do it alone - he needs a treatment/rehabilitation team working with him. But the reality is, this is his life, this is how he is. Chronic pain can be managed to an almost remission state, but it has to be closely managed, and it can flare up. How we cope with that? Its damn hard. The reality of living with a person with chronic pain is that it isn't EVER going to get easier. There may be lulls, but it isn't going away.

I wish you all the best through this time. It's hard.

OP I really feel for you both. I'm another that can recommend Tramadol. As always advise GP approach but I have chronic pain and it's the only thing that helps me. No offence to anyone on here who takes Amitryptaline but I remember my dads personality completely changing on it 💐

You need to walk away. One year in to a relationship and you're already his carer and emotional punch bag. Remember your self respect.

You DO know what to do
You just don't want to do it and be single again.
You need to ditch him.

Just seen your update re the 5.30 am 3 mile walk.
Is this really the life you want, anything could have happened to you. I don’t say he should have walked 6 miles but surely you could have got an Uber. He isn’t concerned about you and sounds extremely selfish.

Morning. He's tried tramadol and there are more but to be honest I don't know all of them but that's the ones I can definitely confirm.

I didn't expect him to walk 6 miles. He wanted me to stay over and go home before the kids got up. He was the one who said he'd walk me. He left me to walk through the most dangerous part alone and didn't even call me whilst I was walking to chat to me. He should have thought to himself I can't walk her home so she shouldn't stay. We didn't have sex in the end. He couldn't continue. But again I do not ever mention sex right now. It was him that mentioned wanting to have sex. We haven't had full sex for a couple of months now. I don't know if the amitriptyline has also caused his sex drive to dissappear.

I don't know the answers for him. He's tried alot. I feel in my heart that a relationship isn't really possible but he doesn't want to feel alone. He doesn't deserve to be alone either. He's mid 40s and ofcourse he wants to be wanted and loved. He's just becoming more and more emotionally allover the place. Like pp stated different drugs in and out his system. Dr's only do phone appointments. Pain management can't see him until he's scanned. It's alot of waiting about but I can't pretend he's always done enough his end.

He's just texting me now and asked if I'm wanting to go down today. I've text back and said I can go down but it's his decision to make if he wants me too.

I am certainly starting to struggle with the regular emotional outbursts. It's not easy.

I have chronic pain. I manage it with talking private therapy and twice weekly body work treatments. It’s incredibly costly. I can afford to do it and but I simply cannot take painkillers constantly. I’ve tried tramadol, pregablin, Amitripline and having spoken to pain management, I’m not going to get on with patches etc. I do take 30/500 cocodamol and oramorph sometimes. They do scratch the surface. Tramadol was the best pain relief for me but I couldn’t get past the sidefx. I get your bf doesn’t have the funds to do this but he is able to tolerate pain meds. So he needs to go back and get on the pain pathway. That would be to try tramadol and pregablin then patches if these fail.

Ok so that’s my two penneth on his pain. But then there’s his treatment of you. He had a blood transfusion last week. Are you seriously saying he gave you zero support and angrily hounded you to go to see him? That’s ltb territory. You are not his carer. You’re a gf of not long. He’s telling you how it is. He is the only one, who matters. Sod you. Sod your child. I get his pain is perhaps making his thinking a bit skewed but this is on another level.

I would walk away. Just go. You have no connections to this man. This isn’t about being shallow. This is self preservation. If his pain were miraculously cured, he wouldn’t suddenly be a good person.

Having chronic pain is awful. Doesn't mean he gets to treat you like this. I'd leave in your circumstances. I say that as someone with debilitating pain.

He could do with therapy. I've suggested this to him and he said he'd rather talk to me. He has baggage in his head because 3 years ago he drank to ease the pain. He got in a mess and he and his partner of 8 years eventually split through them both feeling the other was hurting them! It in my view is all sitting in his head along with the pain. He's completely sober now and hasn't drank for nearly 2 years. I just feel like he really could do with some further support beyond me. He's sort of pushed alot of people away over the last few years. His mum is gone. He has no relationship with his dad since 2017. He's got 2 kids in their 20s and one cut him off almost 2 years ago. The other is on his Facebook and they go through stages of communicating. But again they never see eachother.

Regarding private scans and massage. He could afford this usually when he's working. Unfortunately there are no options right now. I can't pay out for anything else for him.

I'm getting ready and then I'll walk down this morning to see him. I'll see what he's like today. The problem is we've had too many chats lately about negative stuff. I'm overthinking at the moment that he's using me
But I think I might be unfair with that and he just is struggling to get sorted.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

You're being unreasonable in expecting him to function as normal when he's in agony with a severe exacerbation of chronic back issues.

However, nobody is obliged to remain with a person in searing agony and you are absolutely free to leave him and find a man who is able to have sex.

She’s been with him a year. Should she put up with a life of misery just because he’s in pain and can’t control his temper? What an awful thing to say.

It's sounds amazing! The dangerous midnight walks , the celibacy and verbal abuse.

Focus on yourself and your children.

You're not unfair. This guy is a loser. He was a loser before he damaged his back.

Please just walk away. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

OP, this man is controlling you and is being abusive. That’s got nothing to do with any pain he might be in and everything to do with him as a person. He is NOT the man for you. You need to think about yourself and your children, and walk away.
When you see him today, tell him you can no longer continue with the relationship as it’s so damaging. Then walk away.

@Toomanybiccys123

He's had surgery and it's probably failed. He has alot wrong in his back. Slipped discs. Plif operation. Arthritis. His spines weak. His muscles are enlarged. He's got mild scoliosis too. He's been down all routes and his GPS have thrown allsorts at him. He's done pain management clinic. He's under a physio but needs a scan to see what's happening now. His back feels like it's burning and pain is going down his leg. His bone clicks and moves causing him to vomit. He's in a terrible way. He went to a&e last week and they said he'd need to travel an hour away to try get a scan in a different hospital. He has no way of getting over.

We've been together a year. I'm not painting the best picture on here. It's not all doom and gloom. It's just since being on amitriptyline He's not been the same.

i have read this from the start and until you mentioned the name of amitriptyline over use! basically its an anti depressant that also works as a pain relief by making you sleep, as you have found out, i also took it for back pain. but what i did was to make sure that i only took it 30 mins before i was going to bed. ok this stuff did its job but no way could i function on the stuff. how many is he taking? with me we found other ways to sort the pain during the day by using a T.E.N.S machine. that was the best thing i could ever have done! i controlled the pain relief not the other way around which is what is happening to your boyfriend.

the tens machines arent expensive, you can buy them from most pharmacies i think mine cost £30, but they are brilliant for back pain.

It’s only been a year, and you have a DC to consider.

It sounds likely that as well as your boyfriend being in bad pain now that he will likely have severe, chronic pain going forward, which is obviously awful for him. He has, however, sometimes treated you badly. It wasn’t sensible to help him out financially after only a short relationship, especially when you have DC.

Would walk away as this would be better for you and your DC.

Oh, toomanybiccies all of what you've just said Is Not Your Problem. ##

Doesn't have a therapist? Not Your Problem
Drove Away his parents? Not Your Problem
Drove Away his kids? Not Your Problem
Other family, friends, exes, etc? NOT YOUR FECKING PROBLEM! ##

Indeed, just look at the common denominator in all this. You're the last man standing and it's no prize you've won. I particularly noted how he'd prefer to talk to you than a therapist. A qualified therapist who (a) has taken on the job knowingly and willingly, (b) is trained to see through bullshit, (c) won't take abuse, (d) won't loan him money, and (e) won't be at his beck and call for errands and one-sided sex. ##.

You're making yourself crazy with the emotional output which is, frankly, going in the wrong direction. The money, the food, the time, the emotional availability is all just being poured down a hole. Just imagine if you put all this love and devotion to who deserves it: you and your DC. I'll bet you have friends whom you haven't seen in a while, too. ##

I promise you, the second you give your head a wobble and accept that you're never going to get the love you deserve in this "relationship", the second you free yourself from caring if he loves you, you'll feel massively lighter. Then the rest just gets easier and easier.

in case Android eats my paragraphs

His pain is chronic, is it honestly likely to improve? It sounds horrendous.

Either way, that’s all up to him to sort. This is a relatively new relationship, I would walk away.

I have multiple herniated disks, issues with the bones, nerves, and disks themselves. I had a really bad herniated disk 5 years ago which left me in screaming agony with burning pain in my leg. I've lost sensation in my saddle area and piss myself frequently. Yay.

I currently take:
Butec 20mg patches
30/500 co-codamol
Pregabalin
Duloxetine
Ibuprofen

This, before my back got worse kept me going but for the last year its been hell. They don't even take the edge off, but apparently I can't be prescribed anything else. If the pain is especially bad, I'll add some Neurfen plus to the regime too.

I haven't had back surgery, and am waiting on a pain clinic appointment. Has he specifically asked his GP to refer him for a scan?

I obviously do not condone his treatment, but I understand it, it is absolutely and utterly soul destroying being in this position. I literally can't do anything physical. The only time I go out, is to go to the supermarket. And I usually end up in bed for 3 days due to exhaustion. I also live off sick pay because I'm not entitled to ESA so I live off £300 a month, I'm grateful for it, however I was earning that a week when I could work.

I understand his agony, and the sleeping sometimes due to meds, sometimes due to depression, and the frustration at the Drs, it is a miserable existence, if you genuinely can't cope then end the relationship, because it isn't fair on either of you. He shouldn't be taking it out on you, he might want to contact talking therapies as they may be able to help with the mental health side of things.

Goodness.

The amount of emotional energy, time and presumably money you’re expending on someone you’ve known for a year - where are your children in all this? I’m not saying (separated / divorced) parents shouldn’t be in relationships, but the amount of turmoil you’ve thrown yourself into with this man must take attention away from your own family.

And really, if you’re in a position where walking three miles in the dark is your only option, perhaps you should be spending more time trying to increase your earning potential rather than handing money to someone who’s almost a stranger.

Just ditch him. Focus on your DC and self-worth.

It sounds utterly miserable for a relationship you've only been in for a year. Most of that must have been sexless and full of his pain. This isn't a normal relationship, and it certainly isn't the honeymoon period you should be in now. You owe it to yourself to find someone who you can have a proper, loving, kind, fun relationship with.

Why are you doing this to yourself? To your children too (It does sound as though you go to his house most days).

And pain is no excuse for him treating you badly.

One year in ? Put your son first .
Your partner is an adult that isn't your responsibility

Are you so desperate for a relationship with this man you will walk miles to give him a BJ, cook him dinner, get yelled at then walk home? I get that he is in pain etc, but what do you get out of this? If you'd been with him 30 years I'd understand why you wanted to be there for him, but I really cannot see anything appealing about this situation.

He’s not exactly helping himself is he?

He won’t consider a career change, he was offered a scan and wouldn’t go, he won’t engage in physio. He’s not doing anything except taking your money and making you feel like shit.

Get out, he’s a waste of time.