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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To put my foot down and not let my DP work on christmas eve.long rant ahead

68 replies

lucyellensmum · 21/12/2007 11:19

My DP works for himself so his work tends to dictate his hours, usually unreasonably long! He is a builder and is generally up against it time wise. And whilst most of the building trade do work xmas even morning, we had agreed without talking about it that today would be his last day! He is working on a domestic job and its not like him doing the work xmas eve will complete the job. The orignial set of work was completed on time (three days late to be accurate but actually clients quite pleased as they didnt expect it done so quickly). Now there are lots of extras and they are hassling my DP to get the work finished (understandable but there is only so much that can be done). On the whole the clients are fine and are happy with the way things are going.

There are a few issues here. I call him up this morning for a chat and he said that one of the guys who does work for him rang him and said, did he want him to help him plaster a room that needs doing on xmas eve. I have several problems with this:-

Firstly, DP has felt that this person had not really worked as efficiently as he could have done and this has cost DP money and time. So, i think that him rining up and offering to help with the plastering Xmas eve is taking the piss as he will clearly want paying.

Secondly (and from my point of view most importantly) : This year has been tough for us (we nearly split up due to financial strain and my PND) and i just want a nice peaceful FAMILY christmas and because we had sort of put today down as the last day then in my mind, christmas was starting this weekend. We are gooing to put the tree up (we always do this late) and decorate the room. Then just chill out, heaven knows we need a rest, we have been full of cold and coughs all week and feel knackered. So i dont want to have to put things on hold.

Thirdly and actually THIS is the most important factor. If, IF it would just be a case of him working xmas eve morning i would be OK with it, thats always been the way most years. But i know this job would take him into quite a late day (probably 7 o'clock earliest finish) and i can visualise myself on the phone to him askig when he will be home and the poor sod saying just another hour, etc etc, until i finally get pissed off, start feeling sorry for myself, DD will be tetchy as i will not want to put her to bed before seeing daddy on Xmas eve. And there is a recipe for a ruined xmas if ever i saw one.

Honest opinions here (there can be no compromise regarding the time as plastering is one of those jobs that once you start, you have to finish it and its a big room apparently) AM I BEING A SELFISH BRAT AS USUAL DP is desperate to make his business work but i think family time is so important at this time of year. OK so this would mean that the clients would not be able to paint that room over the christmas break which they might have anticipated in their "clients have no clue how long things actually take and dont realise that DP breaks his back to get things done for them" kind of way - om not slating them, they are paying for the work to be done but i actually feel that the job has gone well and they should be OK with this. Also, if they are not ok then i think it is time for DPs family to take precidence, we all need a break and I need him to be mine for a week with no interruption.

OP posts:
nametaken · 21/12/2007 11:28

We had a similar thread to this last week about nursery staff not working xmas eve and I said then, and I'll say it now, xmas eve is a normal working day, and there are thousands of people who even have to work xmas day. Not much consolation for you I know. However, I absolutely do feel he should be home for dc's bedtime on xmas eve - no excuses for that one.

You can still have family time - you've got all this week-end, plus xmas day and boxing day, and new years day, plus any time off in between the two and the week-end before the new year and honestly, I really feel that this is enough without xmas eve. Especially when he's trying to get his business up and running in order to secure his familys financial future.

Definately SHOULD NOT work late on xmas eve though.

B52s · 21/12/2007 11:56

YANBU - okay a tiny bit as my DH is also working Xmas Eve, but he will be back for bedtime (or there will be no Santa visiting him this year). My DH works unpaid overtime every night - strts work at 8am and doesn't finish till 6pm, often with no lunch break. Am getting fed up of telling him it's 'overtime' not 'all the time'. Suggest you rent a girlie video, open a bottle of wine, put DC to bed usual time and relax as much as you can. Just accept he'll be late and have some 'me' time (can't believe I wrote that). It's Christmas after all and should be full of peace, love and harmony. And if the overworked bugger can't be there, get him to do the driving on New Year's Eve.
Merry Christmas...

LazyLinePainterJane · 21/12/2007 12:22

It is frustrating I know, you want him to be at home. BUT it is a working day, you cannot reasonably expect him to be at home when there is work out there that he needs to do.

NomDePlume · 21/12/2007 12:23

I've got to work on Xmas eve.

Grrrrr

SatsumaMoon · 21/12/2007 12:28

If it's a domestic job will the family really want him working there on Christmas eve afternoon/evening?

kittylouise · 21/12/2007 12:34

Fully understand your frustration and know how desparately you want you dp to be there, you are not being unreasonable in that.

However...Christmas Eve is a normal working day and loads of people are having to have a normal day. Which is exacerbated by the fact your dp is a self-employed builder. My dp is one as well, and the amount of weekends that have had to be re-jigged because he has had to finish a job etc.

I think the best thing to do - and this is difficult but is the best way I deal with things when DP is working all around the clock - is assume that he will be working until late, and if he comes in early that's a bonus. You can spend a nice day in and muck around doing christmas things, or have someone round drinking wine , then when dp comes in you can have a nice evening watching crappy christmas telly or whatever.

Sounds like dp is a good man - at least he is not going down the boozer til 2 in the morning (I am astonished how many threads are on mn with selfish blokes). And you are not being a brat - I can understand you are feeling put upon.

GrumpYULEhorsewoman · 21/12/2007 12:50

I totally understand your feelings of frustration. I am married to a man who has recently gone it alone - this will be the second christmas, and he works all the time (he has had 6 days off work during the past 15 months - that is 6 days in total as he works 7 days a week). You will become accustomed to his not being there. It is tough at first, and I know you feel that his working will somehow ruin christmas, but it won't (unless you let it). Try to make him come home at a reasonable time, say 4 or 5 o'clock, and impress upon him the fact that children are only little once, and that the hour or so leading up to bedtime on christams eve is as important a part of christmas as christmas day itself. Don't guilt trip him, but stress how important it is for you all to be together from that time. I agree with other posters that christmas eve is a working day for many, and you should focus on that - you are not the only family missing a member to work on that day - so long as he knows to finish at a decent time and be with his family.

My DH works christmas day too, and boxing day is one of his biggest of the year work wise, so there is no total family time (we live on-site) and I dream of a christmas where one or the other of us didn't have to work for a whole day, never mind a week!

YANBU, but I agree with Kitty that his motives are good - don't be too hard on him!

sunnydelight · 21/12/2007 13:00

If this room should have been plastered before Christmas and that was the agreement, then as someone trying to start up a business it would seem reasonable to try and get the work finished on time and you should support him in his business, even though it impacts on your family.

However, if this is an extra, and nobody is going to get hacked off if it isn't done then tell him to bloody well stay at home with his family and have a wonderful, family, Christmas

DEBauchedChristmasMUMmers · 21/12/2007 13:02

Or could they work tomorrow instead. Would the other guy be OK with this? Clients might be v happy with this as room gets plastered and no builders creating mess on Christmas eve

DEBauchedChristmasMUMmers · 21/12/2007 13:56

Nobody liked my idea then!

Scotia · 21/12/2007 13:59

My dh (a chef) will be working 12 hours tomorrow, Sunday and Christmas Eve. It's rotten for him and for our ds, who won't get to see his dad for more than an hour or two on Christmas Eve morning. He's off on Christmas Day - normal day off for the week. It's crap, but that's life.

nailpolish · 21/12/2007 14:01

xmas even is NOT a holiday

i have to work christmas day. so think yourslef lucky

Chardonnay1966 · 21/12/2007 14:02

Oh for gawd's sake is the world going to end if a bit of plastering doesn't get done until a week or two later?? It's Christmas! YANBU Tell your DP to say no to working and come home to give you a big fat snog instead!!! Have a good one...

lucyellensmum · 21/12/2007 15:19

I told my DP that i would rather he didnt work as i know that there can;t be a compromise on the time. He agrees with me and doesn;t actually want to work. It makes no difference to the client in my opinion as their house is very much a work in progress. Its ok, they have another house!!! I dont think it was agreed that the plastering got done, but i think they had hoped so as he had got on so well with the other stuff.

I totally take on board what people are saying about xmas eve being a normal working day. You are right, it is in the building trade, although many firms are packing up today. It is generally an early day. I think my/our problem is that psychologically, once today was over then DP would be home. If we had decided that he would be working Xmas Eve then i dont think it would have been a problem, iyswim.

I have had to work xmas day (albeit for a short time) and xmas eve before so this is more about our individual circumstances.

I have a problem with DP paying the other guy for the day when he has cost him money in the past few weeks for slack work. And alsom, i cannot see why it makes a difference if that particular room (as it is only a spare room) is plastered or not as they shouldnt rush to paint it on account of the plaster will need time to really dry out properly as sometimes you get cracks as it dries that can be dealt with before the final coat of paint is applied, so best to leave for a few weeks anyway.

I am starting to feel a bit guilty. Perhaps there is a compromise in there somewhere, maybe DP could go round in the morning and finish some bits and peices so long as he promises to be home by say, 2pm

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 21/12/2007 15:24

debauched, i started to like your idea, i thought, there's the solution but it wont work for us unfortunately. Firstly, the other guy is not available and secondly we have done NO xmas shopping and i don't drive!

Just didnt want you to feel ignored because actually, your idea was the best one put forward so far

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 21/12/2007 15:37

I suspect that you know you are being a little unreasonable. That is the nature of the building trade as I know to my cost - DH has got Christmas Eve off but this is the first year..and then a whole week with no work and no pay! But a compromise would be sensible as you say - ensure he's home by afternoon so that you have some family time. I totally agree that you need time together.

lucyellensmum · 21/12/2007 15:41

Yes, a week with no pay, its shite isnt it, no paid leave, no sik pay - i hope that one day, it starts to pay off!

OP posts:
goingfor3christmaspuddings · 21/12/2007 15:43

My dp is working christmas eve. He has so much work to do he probably won't be home before 8.15. He only has chrsutmas day, boxing day, new years eve and new years day off. We have a 3 and 6 year old, Im 17 weeks pregnant, we had a crappy year as I mc'd at 16 weeks in July. I would love him to have some time off inbetween the holidays so we can have some proper time together as we will spend most of his days off visiting other family but he has to work and I don't hold it against him.

lucyellensmum · 21/12/2007 19:49

He's home and he is not going to go in on Monday . TBH, if it was straight forward and made a big difference then i would have been OK with him going in, but its not and its not like the job is running behind. The clients are happy, he is happy, his DP and DD are VERY happy

OP posts:
Minum · 21/12/2007 20:04

Wonderful My DP is always home by three on Christmas Eve, as we go to Blessing of the Crib as a family, which is probably the most important bit of my Christmas

Dixichik · 21/12/2007 20:21

I am in more or less the same boat. My self employed sparky told me yesterday he was working christmas eve. It does annoy me as its work for a "friend" who is also a sparky and has to get the work done before christmas because the client is getting really arsey. It will be a late one. He says 5pm which always means at least 1-2 hours later. I just wish DP had said "no". Christmas begins on christmas eve.......

We are taking Daddy some lunch on christmas eve so we see him for an hour in the day. Is there any possibility you could do that?

lucyellensmum · 22/12/2007 11:06

Dixi, bloody clients getting arsey, do my head in.

Fortunately DP did say no, so we are very happy

OP posts:
nailpolish · 23/12/2007 12:54

as i said, christmas eve is not a holiday, i think you are being unreasonable moaning about this

i have to work christmas day, THINK YOURSELF LUCKY

tillykins · 23/12/2007 13:02

Lots of people have to work Christmas day nailpolish - I presume you are in one of the 999 services, or caring industries? To be fair, I would hate to work bank holidays but for those industries that do, well, you knew that when you joined up - it doesn't mean everyone else should appreciate not having to work on Cmas day!

lucyellensmum, glad its worked out for you. perhaps you should plan ahead for next year, make sure you have family time planned into each week somewhere so that it doesn't get on top of you?

nailpolish · 23/12/2007 13:12

"you knew that when you joined up"

PMSL

some people just dont know how lucky they are

XMAS EVE IS NOT A HOLIDAY

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