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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to have complained about DP's lack of cleanliness?

58 replies

Rosiestraws · 28/12/2021 16:51

Fairly new (4/5 months) partner has a house with one housemate (DP has ensuite, the housemate uses the main bathroom ).

DP does not clean regularly as far as I can tell. He hoovers but I really don't think I've ever seen evidence of him properly cleaning his toilet/shower/sink.. there are cleaning products but I don't think they are used! Same with kitchen surfaces etc and floors.. just in general it's a bit grotty as if they were students and never seem to clean. I believe there was a cleaner pre covid but the cleaner has not been back...

After a couple of months I made some jokey comments about the bathroom in particular and ended up cleaning it myself once and trying to make the joke of "your standards just arent the same as mine" as I didnt know how to address it without offending him! I was hoping he would get the hint...

Today his housemate is away and I ended up using the main bathroom and I made a joke about how I should use it all the time and how clean it was and DP got annoyed with me and said I was really starting to grate on him with my constant complaining. I had made other jokey comments about cleanliness.

Now I do get that if it was a friend it would have been wrong to say anything but I don't know how else to address this without making the jokes. Ultimately, I reckon he would be pretty upset if I ended things over his lack of cleaning but it is really bothering me! I don't want to end up being the one who does all the cleaning but frankly it's all a bit gross and affecting my sexual interest in him etc.. sh** marks in the toilet bowl/wee under rim, shavings in sink/shower not cleaned etc..

I feel like he's expecting an apology for the complaining... should I just accept he's not got the same standards as me and put up or shut up!?

Btw we/housemate etc are all 35-40....

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2021 16:52

He sounds like an overgrown teenager
Not attractive

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 28/12/2021 16:54

Well there’s no future in it at all is there?

BoxingDayFoodHangover · 28/12/2021 16:55

He will be the same if you ever live together

KatherineJaneway · 28/12/2021 16:55

He won't change, he's likely looking for you to clean for him. I couldn't be with a man who didn't have a decent sense of cleanliness.

Beamur · 28/12/2021 16:55

Just tell him you find his house unclean and don't enjoy spending time there.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/12/2021 16:56

Yes, the uncleanliness is gross. But this is a new boyfriend of a few weeks and you’re going to his house and making “jokey comments” (read: passive aggressive remarks) about how he lives, so it’s not really surprising he’s being defensive and getting annoyed with you. He’s happy how he is. If you’re already arguing over household chores and doing his cleaning for him after a few weeks, this isn’t going to get any better. Break up, find someone else.

SpanielsAreMyLife · 28/12/2021 16:56

There's no excuse. He's perfectly capable of cleaning, he just chooses not to.

That's your future - his housekeeper.

fucketyfuckwit · 28/12/2021 16:57

If he can't understand that those standards are not acceptable then he isn't worth bothering with.

Does he wash himself? brush his teeth? change the bed sheets?

DH was a bit like this when I met him, I managed to train him fairly quickly. He was embarrassed about the situation so it was quite easy.

MrsKDB · 28/12/2021 16:57

My ILs live like this. It’s disgusting and I hate staying there. DH has been with me so long he now sees it but it could have gone the other way …

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2021 16:57

I would be ending it immediately. He's a grown man and won't clean his bathroom? That's fucking disgusting. Stay with him and you'll be the mummy/skivvy.

AngryAtAssholes · 28/12/2021 16:58

He’s old enough to know how to clean his own toilet : he chooses not to. He will always choose not to.

Putting up and shutting up about or cleaning up after this disgusting man are not your only options.

If you do tolerate it though, expect to be his full time housekeeper and shit mark scrubber for as long as the relationship lasts.

EmpressCixi · 28/12/2021 16:59

You’re not compatible. I’d end it with him because if you do move to the living together stage, you’ll be a house maid and he will expect you to apologise to him if you ever ask him to please clean his own skid marks and shit spackle on the loo after he’s had an explosive episode. You’ll ask him could he please rinse his hairs away and he’ll respond what’s it matter, you can do it before you use the bathtub easier than him doing it afterwards when dripping in a towel.

I’ve made that mistake once. Never again. Cleaning compatibility is more important than amazing sex compatibility in my book.

I have nothing against filthy people, but if you’re a person who likes a clean home, you need a partner who also likes a clean home and is happy to do the work to make it stay clean.

gamerchick · 28/12/2021 17:03

You know you'll never be able to live with him or it'll be your future OP. Have all the fun you want with that one but I wouldn't progress it tbh.

tectonicplates · 28/12/2021 17:06

Actually, it's not acceptable to complain about the cleanliness of someone else's flatshare if you don't live there. Do you even pay any bills?

I lived in numerous flatshares during my 20s and THE most infuriating thing is when a flatmate has their gf round all the time, using hot water etc but not contributing anything financially, and then you have the audacity to complain about their cleaning standards? I've met a couple of people like you and you're frankly irritating. You have no right to swan into someone else's home and start making complaints when you use up resources but don't contribute anything. Either find a place together or split up, but don't tell him how to live when it's not even your home.

shampooing · 28/12/2021 17:08

This is the beginning of a relationship where you're supposed to be trying to impress the other person. His standards will not improve.

Passive aggressive jokey remarks are not what is needed. At this stage either just walk away, or tell him the reason and see if he improves but it's not a job with an appraisal and probationary period, it's real life and if you stay together it's your future.
Skiddy toilets will do nothing for your sex life. And children together - can you imagine!

billy1966 · 28/12/2021 17:10

@Aquamarine1029

I would be ending it immediately. He's a grown man and won't clean his bathroom? That's fucking disgusting. Stay with him and you'll be the mummy/skivvy.

This.

Disgusting.

How do you stay somewhere so dirty.

I couldn't do one night in a dirty place.

Raise YOUR bar OP, he's a dirty pig.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2021 17:11

I had made other jokey comments about cleanliness.

I would get rid of him because his standards of cleanliness sound rank.

However, someone repeatedly making 'jokey comments' would get right on my tits. If you've got something to say, say it. There is no 'hint' for him to take - you've said it yourself. You have different standards and place different emphasis on cleanliness.

You are incompatible.

Palavah · 28/12/2021 17:12

Do not clean at his house.

You've tried the jokes and they've not had the desired effect but they have at least raised the subject.

You can pick it up with him - calmly, not when you're already annoyed about it. You might tell him what you've said here - that it puts you off him. Then listen to how he responds - he may need to process and consider. But how he responds will tell you a lot.

You can't force him to change. But don't keep making half nag-half jokes.

Also, dont fall into the trap of spending all your time together at your place because you are happy with the standard of cleaning there!

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 28/12/2021 17:21

4/5 months isn't long but I guess if you are serious about him you need to sort this out now.

Stop 'joking' about this. That's passive aggressive. Talk to him straight. Tell him your standards are very different and you don't feel comfortable spending time at his place when it's so grubby. His reaction will tell you a lot. If he isn't prepared to make changes there is no long term future in this relationship for you.

There are ways around these things. I like a clean house but don't like cleaning. DH couldn't give a toss about the house and never cleans. He'd live in a midden if it had a sofa and a flatscreen TV. I'm not prepared to skivvy around after him so we have a cleaner.

MillaRennt · 28/12/2021 17:24

I briefly dated someone who is similar to your DP. They never change. It might get better for a while but then it all spirals again. End it now. You'll only end up resenting him for it when you find yourself always doing the cleaning etc etc etc

Bagelsandbrie · 28/12/2021 17:27

He’s telling you he’s not changing. So if you end up living together it will be you doing all the cleaning as it doesn’t matter to him. Depends if that bothers you!

SnarkyBag · 28/12/2021 17:32

He’s basically already training you to shut your mouth about things you don’t like but would be happy for you to quietly clean his shit stains off the toilet but just don’t mention it.

If you want a future with someone like this crack on but I would have thought Sonoran the early throws of romance would be making an effort. If he doesn’t care now what hope is there in the long term?!

SnarkyBag · 28/12/2021 17:33

**someone

Nosnowthisyear · 28/12/2021 17:35

Well if you’ve told him several times and he’s still not cleaning his toilet, he’s not going to is he?

Inthewainscoting · 28/12/2021 17:37

Throw this one back OP! One of the key things that holds a couple together is mutual respect...

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