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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to have complained about DP's lack of cleanliness?

58 replies

Rosiestraws · 28/12/2021 16:51

Fairly new (4/5 months) partner has a house with one housemate (DP has ensuite, the housemate uses the main bathroom ).

DP does not clean regularly as far as I can tell. He hoovers but I really don't think I've ever seen evidence of him properly cleaning his toilet/shower/sink.. there are cleaning products but I don't think they are used! Same with kitchen surfaces etc and floors.. just in general it's a bit grotty as if they were students and never seem to clean. I believe there was a cleaner pre covid but the cleaner has not been back...

After a couple of months I made some jokey comments about the bathroom in particular and ended up cleaning it myself once and trying to make the joke of "your standards just arent the same as mine" as I didnt know how to address it without offending him! I was hoping he would get the hint...

Today his housemate is away and I ended up using the main bathroom and I made a joke about how I should use it all the time and how clean it was and DP got annoyed with me and said I was really starting to grate on him with my constant complaining. I had made other jokey comments about cleanliness.

Now I do get that if it was a friend it would have been wrong to say anything but I don't know how else to address this without making the jokes. Ultimately, I reckon he would be pretty upset if I ended things over his lack of cleaning but it is really bothering me! I don't want to end up being the one who does all the cleaning but frankly it's all a bit gross and affecting my sexual interest in him etc.. sh** marks in the toilet bowl/wee under rim, shavings in sink/shower not cleaned etc..

I feel like he's expecting an apology for the complaining... should I just accept he's not got the same standards as me and put up or shut up!?

Btw we/housemate etc are all 35-40....

OP posts:

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 28/12/2021 17:42

People who don't clean their homes/laundry imho are neglectful of their own personal hygiene. yuk.

Raise the bar OP i wouldn't want someone that filthy near me.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2021 17:45

So instead of caring about a guest/new girlfriend he's happy to live in semi-squalor?

Not a keeper

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/12/2021 17:49

URGH, he's hoping you'll turn into his unpaid housekeeper/cleaner.

You've tried calling him out on it (although it does sound you were a bit passive aggressive about it).

I'd dump him now to be honest.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/12/2021 17:51

just a few months - honestly any guy I've dated tried to make an effort in the beginning of a relationship, both with their own appearance and the cleanliness of their place.
Did you clean your house when you first asked him over? Sure you did. But he's happy to invite you to a place with filthy toilet, and thinks it's all good. So either he's an utter pig normally, or he is an average pig and does not care about what you think of him.

In either case, if you ever live with this man, you will do all the cleaning and will have to apologise to him if you even mention the shit stains he left for you to scrub.

Deadringer · 28/12/2021 17:53

If someone was visiting my home and they made comments about my cleanliness, jokey or otherwise i would be extremely pissed off. You have different standards, he can keep his place any way he wants, don't visit if it bothers you. It sounds like you aren't compatible, so perhaps its best to walk away now.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 28/12/2021 17:55

Imagine living with him..
He won't instantly become sanitary..
Grim.

Karwomannghia · 28/12/2021 17:58

He won’t change. He’s happy with that level of dirt.

Bonnealle · 28/12/2021 18:02

You are not being unreasonable to not want to stay there if it isn’t up to your hygiene standards. You are being unreasonable making ‘jokey’ comments and cleaning the bathroom. How many times have I read on here about mothers’-in-law coming over and cleaning the house that (rightly) get blasted. You don’t both have the same urge to clean. If you live together you will be cleaning more, not because of him wanting or expecting you to, but because of your standards and his. If you’re ok with this and won’t hold it against him, then crack on. If not, then break up.

Camembear · 28/12/2021 18:03

This is who he is. It’s ok to remark on it.

Yes you will end up doing all the cleaning if you ever move in together.

He can’t even be bothered to clean shit stains off the toilet before his gf visits- he really, really doesn’t care! 😬

Lovelymincepies · 28/12/2021 18:14

My 12 cleans his en-suite every week. He also gets rid of any skid marks. 23 years old and been capable of cleaning for a long time.

He’s a grown man and that’s bloody disgusting. There is no way I’d continue a relationship with someone who can’t even keep a bathroom clean.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2021 18:17

The guy is obviously a lazy minger and best chucked back for somebody else who doesn't mind having to wear shoes to keep her feet clean, never ever eats there and doesn't object to risking skin infections in the en suite.

You can do better than this.

Ohpulltheotherone · 28/12/2021 18:24

Constant jokes is just passive aggressive bullshit.

Either speak up or accept it.

I would find the constant criticism extremely grating too, so YANU for approaching it this way. I assume you’re intimate with this man but you can’t speak honestly? That doesn’t bode well.

That said, he sounds gross and I’d struggle with this, definitely a deal breaker for me. And for you by the sounds of it.

If you want to give it a try then you could apologise for the constant remarks and explain that you were finding it awkward to bring up a sensitive subject

Honestly though if he’s not taken a hint then he’s not gonna change, so you’re not compatible and may as well face it now

FOJN · 28/12/2021 18:35

I'd stop with the jokey comments, I'd find that irritating. I'd end the relationship, you have different standards of cleanliness; there is no right and wrong, just difference. Once upon a time I thought a respectful and honest conversation could resolve most issues but I don't think it works with things like cleaning. He is not motivated to clean and is never likely to be. I wouldn't try to learn to put up with it, you will feel pissed off eventually. End the relationship and find someone whose standards match your own.

Babdoc · 28/12/2021 18:50

I’m struggling to understand why OP would even want an intimate relationship with an unhygienic pig who can’t even be bothered to clean shit marks off his loo before his girlfriend visits!
OP, you do realise other men are available, yes? Ones who know how to wield a Harpic bottle?!

Atlanticli · 28/12/2021 18:55

Ha! I dumped a boyfriend because he left skid marks in the toilet twice. I was in my early twenties and made up another reason for ending the relationship. Now in my mid-thirties we're still friends and I finally told him the truth because he asked.

Honestly, nothing will change except you'll start seeing his skid marks when he tries to seduce you. In your mind, of course. Yuck.

Original poster

Rosiestraws · 28/12/2021 19:13

@tectonicplates

Actually, it's not acceptable to complain about the cleanliness of someone else's flatshare if you don't live there. Do you even pay any bills?

I lived in numerous flatshares during my 20s and THE most infuriating thing is when a flatmate has their gf round all the time, using hot water etc but not contributing anything financially, and then you have the audacity to complain about their cleaning standards? I've met a couple of people like you and you're frankly irritating. You have no right to swan into someone else's home and start making complaints when you use up resources but don't contribute anything. Either find a place together or split up, but don't tell him how to live when it's not even your home.

in relation to the flatshare comments, your point is redundant because DP owns the property and rents a fixed price room to the housemate so his housemate has no input for bills on hot water etc. There are other spare rooms not rented out because DP has chosen not to, but housemate has very cheap rent as friend of a friend and was always aware there might be extra flatmates after he moved in so he's actually rather lucky as he hasnt had that and has only has me visiting occasionally (and DP away occasionally at mine when he has flat to himself).

In relation to generally making comments about how someone lives (regardless of it being a flatshare) my comments are related to DP specifically. I think the flatmate has better standards judging by the bathroom he uses! I note your comments and others' comments as as if it is appropriate to make comments on how someone else lives. I can see I've probably not handled it well but I do think if you're planning on building a life/future with them then it is relevant to establish your expectations of things like cleanliness and I was trying to do that. I can see my passive aggressive jokey comments have failed here and aren't the right way!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosiestraws · 28/12/2021 19:16

@Ohpulltheotherone

Constant jokes is just passive aggressive bullshit.

Either speak up or accept it.

I would find the constant criticism extremely grating too, so YANU for approaching it this way. I assume you’re intimate with this man but you can’t speak honestly? That doesn’t bode well.

That said, he sounds gross and I’d struggle with this, definitely a deal breaker for me. And for you by the sounds of it.

If you want to give it a try then you could apologise for the constant remarks and explain that you were finding it awkward to bring up a sensitive subject

Honestly though if he’s not taken a hint then he’s not gonna change, so you’re not compatible and may as well face it now

This is a good idea I guess. I agree I ought to be able to bring up sensitive subjects with someone I'm in a relationship with and I've not mastered how to do it with this guy yet really!! I guess I thought jokey comments would get the message across without it being a "serious" discussion that makes him embarrassed/feel awkward. Clearly that's not worked so I need totry something different 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:

Shudacudawuda · 28/12/2021 19:17

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who leaves his skid marks on the toilet, it's a simple as that. Dirt just doesn't turn me on.

DogsandCatsB4u · 28/12/2021 19:18

He’s gross, I recently was in a relationship with a dirty guy so off putting and realised if you don’t have respect for yourself or your home I cannot expect you to have respect for me.

Uniforn · 28/12/2021 19:22

Honestly run the other way very fast. My ex was the same, his place was always pretty grim but stupidly I somehow thought he would do some cleaning and not be a filthy pig- but alas of course this wasn't the case. If I didn't clean the house he didn't, he was happy to live in a dirty house full of rubbish and wouldn't help with any of the other chores either. He also barely showered or washed his hands once we were comfortable and he thought I was trapped, started to make me feel sick. Honestly comments even if they make him clean will only be temporary. My current partner is a revelation, he doesn't leave crap everywhere, gets stuck into cleaning as much as I do, and isn't disgusting. Might sound dramatic but ew.

Natty13 · 28/12/2021 19:24

He's a man in his late 30s who can't keep standaeds of very basic cleanliness or hygiene.

You're a woman of presumably the same age who can't have a direct conversation and has to resort to "jokes" and hints.

Just have a direct conversation. My best friend told her now husband when they were dating "I don't feel attracted to you at all when I come here and see dirty socks on your floor/old cups and plates around your room etc. Either you have to up your standards or we have to break up because I can't be with someone happy to live in this level of uncleanness any more". We were 22/23 at the time.

TricolourCat · 28/12/2021 19:27

Reminds of years ago I dated a handsome guy for about six months and the first time we became lovers he confessed he wore the same underpants two days running. Not if you are dating me I replied and he sorted the cleanliness out.

Snuggledupforwinter · 28/12/2021 19:31

Ick! Is his personal hygiene ok?
A filthy bathroom (? unwashed bedlinen) would be a huge turnoff for me. You either need to address it with him and he steps up, or be prepared to be his cleaner.

yellowtwo · 28/12/2021 19:32

He won't change OP, and if you moved in together you would end up doing all the cleaning, and you'd most likely have a post on here about it!
It's not just different standards of cleaning when he is leaving marks like that in the toilet.

icedcoffees · 28/12/2021 19:37

I do think if you're planning on building a life/future with them then it is relevant to establish your expectations of things like cleanliness and I was trying to do that.

You can't change him - he's not a project.

Either you accept that he's disgusting and that you'll end up doing the majority (if not all) of the cleaning when you live together, or you throw this one back and find an actual adult to build your future with.

I know which one I'd choose.

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