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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stopping the gift swaps between friends kids?

97 replies

Luna23 · 28/12/2021 09:13

AIBU to tell my best friend that I no longer want to swap gifts for our kids at Xmas and birthdays? - I’m asking this now as my sons birthday is in early February so not that long away!

This is going to be a long one so apologies, but I feel you need the back story to give a honest opinion:

I always go out of my way to find gifts for people that I know/think they will absolutely love, but I just get so annoyed with my best friend, because every present I have ever received from her, it’s pretty obvious were things she received as presents and didn’t want, as they were always so random and not things that I would ever want or use. I stopped exchanging gifts with her at Birthdays and Christmas a few years ago because I always felt really upset that I had spent so much time and effort on her and she clearly had spent none on me, even giving me bath product sets she’s knows I can’t use because I suffer with eczema . I know it probably sounds ungrateful, but after 12 years of it, it does begin to make you feel unappreciated and I didn’t like feeling like that every birthday and Christmas . When she had her first baby, we agreed to buy presents for the kids going forward which I was happy with..

When my son was born this year she made a hamper of all the unused baby clothes she didn’t put her son in, for example parts of a 5 piece set from M&S (I got 2 parts, the other 3 I remember her son in), an outfit with her sister in laws gift tag still inside that she obviously forgot to take out, and even a toy that I had given her for her son (I know it was mine because Amazon stuck the delivery label to the box when they sent it and I had to rip it off). I don’t have a issue with receiving second hand things, but she made out she had spent a fortune on all of the things inside because I wasn’t able to have a baby shower due to covid, when that actually wasn’t the case (I paid for her baby shower at a very specific requested venue and also then got gifts for her baby).

I also bought her son a beautiful activity cube from John Lewis for his first birthday and our other girlfriend received it for her sons first birthday 4 months ago…

Christmas has obviously just been and she gave my son who is nearly 1, a newborn baby toy in a battered up box and a chocolate bar which he can’t eat because he’s only 10 months old. On the other hand, she asked me to get her son a very specific toy which was quite expensive (always is) and I even went out of my way to personalise it to make it really special which took me a really long time!

She mentioned this year while we were Xmas shopping that she hasn’t ever bought her son a gift as everyone else buys for him, so I’m starting to feel like she is using me to buy the expensive things she wants, so she doesn’t have to buy anything herself.

It does irritate me that she will happily ask for and accept expensive gifts when she knows she has spent nothing on the ones she is giving. I think it’s a bit rude and disrespectful to be honest, but money aside, I wouldn’t feel so aggrieved if the gifts she gave to my son where actually thought out and suitable for his age. It’s just very obvious to me that my son is receiving all the old crap she doesn’t want, even if he is too big for it and will never use it, and that’s what bothers me.

Her son is a year older than mine, so I can just see this repeating itself every year and as the boys get older, I dont want my son to end up feeling the same way I did. Plus as I know she regifted at least two of the presents I have given her son in the two years he has been on this planet, it makes me not want to get nice gifts for him. Will her son ever get to use them or will I or someone else, be getting them back in a years time?

If you’ve got this far, What’s everyone’s thoughts on stopping the gift giving? Am I being cruel to the kids by doing this? They are only little now so don’t care, but as they get older I don’t want either of them to feel they are missing out and I’m the miserable ‘Auntie’ that doesn’t give presents.

Thank you in advance for your opinions and I hope you had a great Christmas x

OP posts:

Original poster

Luna23 · 28/12/2021 17:54

@RobinPenguins

I’d tell her your New Years resolution is to cut down on “stuff” and that if she really wants to give a present could she make it a contribution to a day out, voucher towards swimming lessons, something like that.

Thanks for the suggestion! I do like the idea of a contribution towards swimming lessons/mum and baby classes he goes too if she wants to carry on.

OP posts:

Lockdownbear · 31/12/2021 00:21

I wouldn't suggest a voucher of any description that leaves you open to the "Oh I've already got something" or spending far less than your spending on her child.

Just stop it.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 31/12/2021 00:35

Amazed by how many people would just lie or side step the issue. She’s been a CF and a bad friend; surely you address the issue directly. The suggestion about mentioning the gift recycling is a good one.

foxgoosefinch · 31/12/2021 00:49

She sounds awful! Definitely yanbu OP. I can see you are in a difficult situation with the other friend. If you don’t want to stop gifts completely, can you agree a price limit and give her child a nice book and some sweets? If you agreed £10 each a nice picture book and some chocolate would be well within that (and you could always pop to The Works, where you can get nice kids’ books remaindered to a couple of quid; or get a 2 for £7 picture book on Amazon, and then you could yourself spend less whilst looking like it was a bit more). Then you can also in good conscience get a gift for your other friend’s children too.

That’s what I’d do!

SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2021 00:53

What would happen if you asked her for a specific present for your DS?

foxgoosefinch · 31/12/2021 01:00

Oh and when friends’ kids were little I made a habit of trawling sales at eg Rex London and bookshops etc. and picking up nice, cute gifts that had been much more expensive, but were reduced to one or two pounds - like little nightlights, toys, games, puzzles and so on. Rex London is great for this!

This was largely because we were stretched for money, but I did manage to get some genuinely lovely things for just a few pounds. If you follow the year-round bargains threads on the Christmas boards they often flag up some fantastic bargains that pop up on Amazon every so often - like Orchard games for a couple of pounds, and a Playmobil bus reduced more than half price to £6 and all sorts of nice toys and Christmas books that get reduced on big price drops temporarily during the year.

Then you can feel like you’re getting a nice gift (and taking the moral high ground), but also spending very little and so not being done over by your cheeky friend.

I found that the present giving to friends’ kids really drops off around the time they go to school - I used to buy for lots of friends’ kids, and now just buy for one. At that point everyone gets too busy to remember and you end up agreeing to drop it. So it’s likely to peter out anyway, and before then you can consciously tone it down a bit then stop.

HiJenny35 · 31/12/2021 01:22

Do not start another thing, do not suggest a trip out or money towards lessons you are just getting yourself into another situation where she will "forget" the voucher, give you an out of date one, a discounted one, one that's been given to her, forget her purse etc. Just put a stop to all of it, hi x, we are trying to cut back on the amount of toys we are accumulating so we have decided we aren't going to do birthday presents anymore. Hope you understand. Thanks y

Hotyogahotchoc · 31/12/2021 03:00

@SleepingStandingUp

What would happen if you asked her for a specific present for your DS?

OP said that in the past CF friend has said thank for the suggestion but she's already bought something.

backtolifebacktoreality · 31/12/2021 04:13

Stop. And don't make up excuses as to why you've stopped!

Caiti19 · 31/12/2021 05:32

This type of character will manipulate any attempt at explanation/side-stepping/excuses to get you back into the position that's been working out great for her for the past 12 years. Commit to one line and zero explanations. "I've made the decision to stop exchanging gifts going forward." No qualifiers, do not engage with any further probing on her part. She knows what she's been doing.

SantasComingToTown · 31/12/2021 07:10

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I really did like that suggestion when I saw it, as like I said before it’s telling her I’m aware of what she is doing without being nasty about it. Despite the fact she has upset me by doing this for so long with me and now started with my son, I don’t want to be nasty to her. I’m trying to be the bigger person, and I just feel that if I were to be really horrible, I’m no better than he to be honest.

SantasComingToTown · 31/12/2021 07:12

@foxgoosefinch

That’s what I’d do!

My husband actually suggested the exact same thing, going to the works, so it definitely a option! I just feel at the minute that even if I did that my son would still end up with her kids old tatt and if I’m honest I would even resent paying the £10. I would rather just spend it on my own son lol

SantasComingToTown · 31/12/2021 07:14

@SleepingStandingUp

What would happen if you asked her for a specific present for your DS?

I did ask her to buy something specific at Xmas at the same time she asked me to get her so something specific and the response was ‘I don’t need any ideas as I’ve actually already got him something’.

SantasComingToTown · 31/12/2021 07:26

@HiJenny35

Thank you for your reply, funnily enough shes invited us round for a small party in a few weeks but has to decline as we already had plans that evening (first date with no baby in nearly a year). She said she wanted to get a take out from a new burger place in town which sounded nice. Then when I had to cancel, turns out she won a voucher from them so she only wanted to get that one so she didn’t have to pay…I did laugh at that, you can’t quite believe it lol.

SantasComingToTown · 31/12/2021 07:30

@foxgoosefinch

Then you can feel like you’re getting a nice gift (and taking the moral high ground), but also spending very little and so not being done over by your cheeky friend.

Thank you for this! My son is my first baby so I spent most of this year exhausted and haven’t really been savvy with the gift buying yet! Even if I end up stopping buying gifts for this child, I will certainly do what you suggested for the others I buy for! I’ve just never known what to buy children as I didn’t have any so I’ve always asked to make sure I didn’t waste my money on something they wouldn’t use. I think now I just need to trust my own instinct and get the gifts when they are on offer instead!

wizzywig · 31/12/2021 07:33

Does she only do this with you and not the other friend?

SantasComingToTown · 31/12/2021 07:34

@Caiti19

You are right, I shouldn’t have to explain myself or make excuses as to why I want to stop. One of my Facebook friends shared a post yesterday about a New Years resolution, where it’s okay to use the word NO without having to over explain yourself! That really resonated with me as I hate letting people down and always feel the need to have a reason why I can’t do something when actually I just cba to go lol.

SantasComingToTown · 31/12/2021 07:49

@wizzywig

Does she only do this with you and not the other friend?

Oh no it’s my other best friend too and others (from the Facebook tags on birthday etc), she does it to everyone so I’m not singled out. She is very tight with her cash and will only spend her money in certain shops so when you suddenly see people receiving random gifts from the white company or Pandora that I don’t think she’s ever stepped foot, in you know it’s not been bought.

I’ve known her since we were in primary school so pretty much my whole life and that’s why it bothers me so much. I feel like if she is going to give a gift to me/my son she would at least what to spend her own cash on us as we are so close - even if she regifted to everyone else . I do enjoy her company and it does makes me laugh at how tight she is on things (even ordering something on the menu she didn’t want to eat because the one she actually wanted was £4 more expensive ). Our relationship was a lot better when I stopped exchanging gifts with her personally as she does nothing else to upset me apart from the lack of thought that goes into it. That’s why I was thinking of stopping with our kids too and just being able to enjoy each other’s company without getting that resentment I felt before.

That was a really long reply to a very short question lol, sorry!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 31/12/2021 08:41

I don’t think it’s rude at all to be honest - what she is doing is rude. To politely imply you understand what she’s doing is fine.

But if you don’t want to do that, why don’t you just start saying “I’ve already got your child a gift” over and over and over again and play the same stupid game. Get an expensive book or something.

I can’t imagine wanting to be friends with someone who thinks I’m an idiot and treats me like this though; which is why I would want to open the dialogue and have an actual discussion about it. But this is MN where people don’t have adult discussions.

Aubriella · 31/12/2021 08:47

YANBU, glad you’ve decided to take action OP..Text her asap before she says she’s already bought your son’s present!

What have you decided to text?

Bollindger · 31/12/2021 09:34

I think your doing the right thing, and as said your personalised gifts for the child see a Better way, as his mum , who is a tight arse , can't regift them.
I always hated to see people taking away an item a child loved too soon.

Lockdownbear · 31/12/2021 13:01

Is she really skint or had a period where every penny mattered?

Regifting expensive gifts, and ordering the cheapest food sounds like she is mean to herself too.

However I'd still stop exchanging gifts with her as it sounds like she's really not that fussed about it.

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