Stopping the gift swaps between friends kids?

[Luna23]

AIBU to tell my best friend that I no longer want to swap gifts for our kids at Xmas and birthdays? - I’m asking this now as my sons birthday is in early February so not that long away!

This is going to be a long one so apologies, but I feel you need the back story to give a honest opinion:

I always go out of my way to find gifts for people that I know/think they will absolutely love, but I just get so annoyed with my best friend, because every present I have ever received from her, it’s pretty obvious were things she received as presents and didn’t want, as they were always so random and not things that I would ever want or use. I stopped exchanging gifts with her at Birthdays and Christmas a few years ago because I always felt really upset that I had spent so much time and effort on her and she clearly had spent none on me, even giving me bath product sets she’s knows I can’t use because I suffer with eczema . I know it probably sounds ungrateful, but after 12 years of it, it does begin to make you feel unappreciated and I didn’t like feeling like that every birthday and Christmas . When she had her first baby, we agreed to buy presents for the kids going forward which I was happy with..

When my son was born this year she made a hamper of all the unused baby clothes she didn’t put her son in, for example parts of a 5 piece set from M&S (I got 2 parts, the other 3 I remember her son in), an outfit with her sister in laws gift tag still inside that she obviously forgot to take out, and even a toy that I had given her for her son (I know it was mine because Amazon stuck the delivery label to the box when they sent it and I had to rip it off). I don’t have a issue with receiving second hand things, but she made out she had spent a fortune on all of the things inside because I wasn’t able to have a baby shower due to covid, when that actually wasn’t the case (I paid for her baby shower at a very specific requested venue and also then got gifts for her baby).

I also bought her son a beautiful activity cube from John Lewis for his first birthday and our other girlfriend received it for her sons first birthday 4 months ago…

Christmas has obviously just been and she gave my son who is nearly 1, a newborn baby toy in a battered up box and a chocolate bar which he can’t eat because he’s only 10 months old. On the other hand, she asked me to get her son a very specific toy which was quite expensive (always is) and I even went out of my way to personalise it to make it really special which took me a really long time!

She mentioned this year while we were Xmas shopping that she hasn’t ever bought her son a gift as everyone else buys for him, so I’m starting to feel like she is using me to buy the expensive things she wants, so she doesn’t have to buy anything herself.

It does irritate me that she will happily ask for and accept expensive gifts when she knows she has spent nothing on the ones she is giving. I think it’s a bit rude and disrespectful to be honest, but money aside, I wouldn’t feel so aggrieved if the gifts she gave to my son where actually thought out and suitable for his age. It’s just very obvious to me that my son is receiving all the old crap she doesn’t want, even if he is too big for it and will never use it, and that’s what bothers me.

Her son is a year older than mine, so I can just see this repeating itself every year and as the boys get older, I dont want my son to end up feeling the same way I did. Plus as I know she regifted at least two of the presents I have given her son in the two years he has been on this planet, it makes me not want to get nice gifts for him. Will her son ever get to use them or will I or someone else, be getting them back in a years time?

If you’ve got this far, What’s everyone’s thoughts on stopping the gift giving? Am I being cruel to the kids by doing this? They are only little now so don’t care, but as they get older I don’t want either of them to feel they are missing out and I’m the miserable ‘Auntie’ that doesn’t give presents.

Thank you in advance for your opinions and I hope you had a great Christmas x

She is not your friend.

Getting presents for friends has naturally tailed off over the years : there’s just too much to do in prep for Christmas anyway etc. Just say your own kids get too much stuff so you’re stopping the presents except immediate family and you don’t want more stuff either. Lose it as trying to reduce consumption/waste if you like

I wouldn't stop the gift giving completely but I would stop the bollocks you've been putting up with!

Your sons birthday is feb - when is her sons birthday? Sounds to me like she gives crap anyway so instead of stopping altogether just get a token gift for £10 or something when it's his birthday. See if she mentions it.

YANBU.

Stop the gifts unless you are seeing the child on the day and will be there when he opens his present and can take the tags off and see him play with it.

Asking for something for your son's birthday is a good idea if that's what she does but I can't imagine doing this myself!

I have been a bloody fool, you are completely right! I did catch on a long time ago, but even though I am a very blunt person with most people, for some reason I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I even told her things I wanted and the reply was always ‘ive already got you something’

@Marmite27

When broaching this with family members, I said that mine get way too much for Christmas, I’m struggling to fit it all in the house, can we stop exchanging gifts?

Thank you, that’s a great suggestion! I’ll definitely be doing this now I know I’m not being a moo by getting annoyed at it!

@waterrat

I can't believe she is ordering you to by specific expensive presents. It's awful behaviour op and you must end this now. Just tell her you are cutting down on gift giving going forward as your kids don't need stuff and it all seems wasteful.

Don't worry about what she feels when you say it. She hasn't worried about your feelings at all !

You are right! I really don’t know why I am so worried about her feelings. My focus should be my sons!

Definitely say now your stopping it. Too much stuff, too many people to buy for, have day out instead.

Birthday given she has a stock answer. Just say don't bother Baby has too much stuff and you aren't buying hers as you need to save money / can afford it / everything is so expensive.

Ask for something specific and really expensive for your sons birthday and then regift it for her sons birthday. Job done.

@britneyisfree

I don't get why people let someone tell them what to get but then don't ask for something specific back and end up with cheap tat they don't want. Fuck that. Just tell her you aren't doing presents in 2022 as you want to save up

I did ask for specific things back over the years, but the reply I always get is ‘thanks for the suggestion, but I’ve already got something’.

@Scrabblecrabapple

I find these posts so stressful. 12 years ffs. Call her out. She gave a gift away you gave her, why didn’t you tell her you know? I honestly don’t get it.

You are right, I did actually tell her about the activity cube and she said, she had bought a new one, but because it came in the damaged box, she used the box for the one i got her to wrap it up in…

@fuckyourpronouns

I wouldn't stop the gift giving completely but I would stop the bollocks you've been putting up with!

Your sons birthday is feb - when is her sons birthday? Sounds to me like she gives crap anyway so instead of stopping altogether just get a token gift for £10 or something when it's his birthday. See if she mentions it.

Her sons birthday is November! This year I bought him a personalised book and as his name is very unusual she won’t be able to give it away . She probably went to bed that night feeling really disappointed lol

@NellieBertram

Ask for something specific and really expensive for your sons birthday and then regift it for her sons birthday. Job done.

This is what my husband said to do lol

I did actually tell her about the activity cube and she said, she had bought a new one, but because it came in the damaged box, she used the box for the one i got her to wrap it up in…

Does she think you button up the back?

End the gift swapping

Either end the gift swapping completely, or give. Token gift, like a cheap toy from the local pound shop... If she is using you for buying expensive gifts so that she doesn't have to, you may find that she stops the swaps herself once she sees the expensive gifts have dried up (if you give a cheaper token toy gift from the pound shop)

You have a perfect way to do this.
Hi friend.
As New Year is upon us I have made a resolution to stop gift exchanges.
So please no gift for babies birthday, as I won't be doing it in return.

Then if she does give you something, just ask her to RETURN it for a refund. Ha ha.

Wow. I just want to say thank you all so much for your replies. I felt really awful writing this post and was preparing myself for some backlash about sounding ungrateful, so you have all put my mind at rest, that this is not acceptable and I am right to feel the way I do!

Everyone who has suggested I'm a pushover are completely right! Believe it or not I am actually a really blunt person and don't shy away from telling people what I think, but for some reason with this friend I can never muster the courage. I think I’m just really scared of hurting her feelings as she obviously thinks this is a okay thing to do and when we were younger, I was worried that maybe she didn’t earn as much as me and couldn’t afford to reciprocate. - that’s not the case now, she has plenty of cash, probably because she’s saved a fortune of never having to buy a present lol.

I will be standing my ground now and telling her no presents going forward. I like the idea of having a day out, so I think i will make sure that it’s somewhere where she has to pay for her own son, so I don’t end up getting screwed over again.

The reason it’s taken this long is because there are 3 of us who I consider to be best friends, along with our husbands, we come as a 6 if that makes sense, and the other friend has two beautiful children who I love buying gifts for and in return my son in his 10 months has been given some really thoughtful gifts back. If I stop it with one, I have to stop with both which is why it’s taken me a while to start thinking seriously about this.

Good God, why are you even friends with this horrible user?? It will continue exactly as you predict if you allow her to keep taking the piss, like you have done so far - why would you just accept her requests & buy expensive, personalised gifts when you know she's going to give you some tat or a regifted item??

She is taking the piss.
Say " I think it's time to stop exchanging gifts as we just seem to be recycling the same toys".

And you CAN carry on a relationship with your other lovely friend & exchange gifts for the kids - people don't come in packages - you definitely don't have to stop doing things with that friend because the other one is a massive CF'er!!

You don't have to stop with your other friends. She's probably been doing it to them too!!!!

Just tell them straight why you don't buy for her. Simple 🤷

You don’t have to stop with the other friend. Just say to her (the nice friend) that you have been treated very badly by the other friend and you’ve had enough! You are basically buying all of the gifts for your friend to regift for years to come.
Stop being used!

You don't have to stop exchanging presents with your other friend. How does she fare with CF friend & gifts?

I'd let the CF friendship drop frankly, she's not a friend, she's a a grabby CF. Focus your effort on other friends.

What does your other friend (the third one in your friendship group) think about all this? Have you discussed it with her? Does she do the same to her as well?