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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stopping the gift swaps between friends kids?

97 replies

Luna23 · 28/12/2021 09:13

AIBU to tell my best friend that I no longer want to swap gifts for our kids at Xmas and birthdays? - I’m asking this now as my sons birthday is in early February so not that long away!

This is going to be a long one so apologies, but I feel you need the back story to give a honest opinion:

I always go out of my way to find gifts for people that I know/think they will absolutely love, but I just get so annoyed with my best friend, because every present I have ever received from her, it’s pretty obvious were things she received as presents and didn’t want, as they were always so random and not things that I would ever want or use. I stopped exchanging gifts with her at Birthdays and Christmas a few years ago because I always felt really upset that I had spent so much time and effort on her and she clearly had spent none on me, even giving me bath product sets she’s knows I can’t use because I suffer with eczema . I know it probably sounds ungrateful, but after 12 years of it, it does begin to make you feel unappreciated and I didn’t like feeling like that every birthday and Christmas . When she had her first baby, we agreed to buy presents for the kids going forward which I was happy with..

When my son was born this year she made a hamper of all the unused baby clothes she didn’t put her son in, for example parts of a 5 piece set from M&S (I got 2 parts, the other 3 I remember her son in), an outfit with her sister in laws gift tag still inside that she obviously forgot to take out, and even a toy that I had given her for her son (I know it was mine because Amazon stuck the delivery label to the box when they sent it and I had to rip it off). I don’t have a issue with receiving second hand things, but she made out she had spent a fortune on all of the things inside because I wasn’t able to have a baby shower due to covid, when that actually wasn’t the case (I paid for her baby shower at a very specific requested venue and also then got gifts for her baby).

I also bought her son a beautiful activity cube from John Lewis for his first birthday and our other girlfriend received it for her sons first birthday 4 months ago…

Christmas has obviously just been and she gave my son who is nearly 1, a newborn baby toy in a battered up box and a chocolate bar which he can’t eat because he’s only 10 months old. On the other hand, she asked me to get her son a very specific toy which was quite expensive (always is) and I even went out of my way to personalise it to make it really special which took me a really long time!

She mentioned this year while we were Xmas shopping that she hasn’t ever bought her son a gift as everyone else buys for him, so I’m starting to feel like she is using me to buy the expensive things she wants, so she doesn’t have to buy anything herself.

It does irritate me that she will happily ask for and accept expensive gifts when she knows she has spent nothing on the ones she is giving. I think it’s a bit rude and disrespectful to be honest, but money aside, I wouldn’t feel so aggrieved if the gifts she gave to my son where actually thought out and suitable for his age. It’s just very obvious to me that my son is receiving all the old crap she doesn’t want, even if he is too big for it and will never use it, and that’s what bothers me.

Her son is a year older than mine, so I can just see this repeating itself every year and as the boys get older, I dont want my son to end up feeling the same way I did. Plus as I know she regifted at least two of the presents I have given her son in the two years he has been on this planet, it makes me not want to get nice gifts for him. Will her son ever get to use them or will I or someone else, be getting them back in a years time?

If you’ve got this far, What’s everyone’s thoughts on stopping the gift giving? Am I being cruel to the kids by doing this? They are only little now so don’t care, but as they get older I don’t want either of them to feel they are missing out and I’m the miserable ‘Auntie’ that doesn’t give presents.

Thank you in advance for your opinions and I hope you had a great Christmas x

OP posts:

ClaryFairchild · 28/12/2021 10:49

On your days out make sure you have a change purse with money in it, so if she tries to get you to pay on a card and then she'll pay you back you can say "oh that's fine, if you don't have the cash just pop it on your card and I'll give you the cash for our share".

Tinsellittis · 28/12/2021 10:52

@Icebreaker99

YANBU and she sounds like a CF, what does she bring to your life?

This

Original poster

Luna23 · 28/12/2021 10:53

@SpiderinaWingMirror

She is taking the piss. Say " I think it's time to stop exchanging gifts as we just seem to be recycling the same toys".

This is a really good way of putting it! It’s telling her that I know what she’s is up to without being really rude at the same time! Thank you

OP posts:

MaskingForIt · 28/12/2021 10:58

There’s some good suggestions here. Send a text bringing the gift recycling to an end and having a day out instead, then make sure you know how much entry and a cup of tea costs and only take that much cash with you. Maybe keep your card in your car or bra just in case you personally need it.

Original poster

Luna23 · 28/12/2021 10:59

The other friend gets the regifted things too, she was the one in receipt of the activity cube. She also got a baby hamper with questionable items in when her second was born. But she doesn’t seem to care about it, which I why I thought I would come on here and ask if I was being unreasonable to feel this way.

It’s a really hard situation as we all spend so much time with other, I would honestly feel so guilty buying the ‘nice friends’ kids presents and not getting anything for the one this post is about, as it’s not her sons fault she is a cheapsake. I just dread the day when her son asks the others ‘where is this from’ and they reply ‘auntie (insert name here) got it for me’. I would feel absolutely terrible and I would hate him to think I did love him as much as the others . That’s why I have let it carry on. It’s mum guilt for another kid lol

OP posts:

Beachgirl33 · 28/12/2021 11:00

That’s shit. I would be having a frank conversation with her. Tell her you are offended by her regifting part presents to you and giving away gifts you got for her son. So you have decided to stop giving presents given they get given to others. She can do what she likes but this is your decision x

Original poster

Luna23 · 28/12/2021 11:01

@ClaryFairchild

Good idea thank you! Honestly isn’t it pathetic that as a 31 year old woman I am having to use tactics like this?! I’m annoyed with myself for letting it get to this stage!

OP posts:

Lockdownbear · 28/12/2021 11:09

Op I totally get where you are coming from not buying one without the other. It sounds like the children are all very young so stop it now and it will never be noticed or missed by the kids.

Day out for Christmas even if its January before you do it. And birthday gifts only a small token "that you've already bought" if you get invited to birthday parties.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 11:28

You seem to value things more if they are expensive. I would absolutely say you should do your friend a favour and suggest you stop swapping gifts.

“Lovely, beautiful, expensive” gifts are usually lost on me. She sounds the same.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 11:30

I just dread the day when her son asks the others ‘where is this from’ and they reply ‘auntie (insert name here) got it for me’.

Kids don’t have these conversations.

RandomMess · 28/12/2021 11:33

When you arrange to do anything make it very clear everyone pays for yourself otherwise you'll be paying for a trip to the zoo and on her kids birthday she'll invite you for a tea party with no food or drink for the adults!

She has £££££ because she's tight and a complete CF

Hotyogahotchoc · 28/12/2021 11:39

If I stop it with one, I have to stop with both which is why it’s taken me a while to start thinking seriously about this.

No you don't but this is relevant so you could have mentioned earlier.

If you want to give both gifts the just give cheaper gifts. If you're happy to stop with both (though I don't think you should) the vague "too many toys" excuse will work. Otherwise you'll need to be blunt and when she ask for things tell her "thanks but I already got you something"

I don't think I'd want to stop gifts with the other friend.

Chely · 28/12/2021 11:42

Tell her you want to swap gift giving for doing something nice to mark the days instead. Time together is a much better gift

Hodge00079 · 28/12/2021 11:52

I think I would be curious as to what she would get your son for his first birthday. I suppose there is always the risk of being upset if it is some tat that has been regifted.

I think the blatant regifting is bad. However for me it was be treating me as if I was stupid. The cube and damage box is so far fetched. I assume her son still has cube or it is break mysteriously. And lying that so spent loads on hamper is just wrong.

I can see where you are coming from with gifts. It sounds like her son won’t get any nice gifts. Could you get personalised gifts? Doesn’t need to be expensive. Preferably something that has from auntie and uncle x. If she asks for items just do what she does and say already got something.

I think I would be concerned how to deal with son getting tat.

Sorry if it was me I would have to call her out. Think if you stop present exchange it will be turned on you like you are in wrong.

CaptMorgan · 28/12/2021 11:54

This is what we did for a few years with our friend group (3 families with chn):

We each bought a token gift (to a set budget) for each of our own children, wrapped and labelled as from the other 2 families. So the chn thought they were getting something from them all and because we bought it as their parents, we knew what they'd like and could tailor it perfectly. Worked really nicely.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 12:11

This is a really good way of putting it! It’s telling her that I know what she’s is up to without being really rude at the same time! Thank you

No, it would still be rude to say that. Why do you feel the need to tell her you know what she is up to? Just suggest stopping.

vixeyann · 28/12/2021 12:20

I would 100% put the brakes on the gift giving. Say you are slimming down those you need to buy for.

Original poster

Luna23 · 28/12/2021 12:28

@BoredZelda

You seem to value things more if they are expensive. I would absolutely say you should do your friend a favour and suggest you stop swapping gifts.

“Lovely, beautiful, expensive” gifts are usually lost on me. She sounds the same.

I don’t value things that are expensive more over other things, I value gifts that’s are thoughtful whatever the cost. My point here is that she always wants expensive things for herself and what my son receives in return is not thoughtful. I honestly wouldn’t care if she only spent £5 on my son, as long as the £5 she spent was getting him something he would like or could use. The same as gifts for myself, if she spent £5 getting me a couple of bars of my favourite chocolate, I wouldn’t care I had spent £30 on her, but when I spend £30 and in return I receive something I'm allergic too, it begins to grate on you after a while.

OP posts:

Jumpingintochristmas · 28/12/2021 12:33

I would speak to your other friend first to give her a heads up. Surely cheap friends husband must be aware he’s sending unwanted/regifted stuff to others!

NellieBertram · 28/12/2021 13:37

I can see it would be awkward to stop gifts with one friend and not the other.
I think I would start just buying her kid a nice book, £5-£10 max, then who cares if it’s regifted?
If she asks for some expensive thing just tell her you’ve already got him something.

Lockdownbear · 28/12/2021 13:52

@Jumpingintochristmas

I would speak to your other friend first to give her a heads up. Surely cheap friends husband must be aware he’s sending unwanted/regifted stuff to others!

You'd be surprised. But then maybe they are both on the same wavelength.

But actually wither he knows or not makes no difference the point is they as a couple are asking for expensive gifts but recycling stuff in return regardless of their suitability. Easiest way to deal with it is to cut the gift giving out.
Plenty people think regifting is an acceptable thing to do and it probably is in the right circumstances (duplicate toys or books) but these aren't the right circumstances.

RobinPenguins · 28/12/2021 13:54

I’d tell her your New Years resolution is to cut down on “stuff” and that if she really wants to give a present could she make it a contribution to a day out, voucher towards swimming lessons, something like that.

appleturnovers · 28/12/2021 14:20

YA definitely NBU to call it a day. No need to say why, just say your kids get too many presents or you're getting overwhelmed with all the gift buying and you just want to limit it to your own kids. Another option would be to just spend much less, set a £5-10 budget and ignore any requests she puts in.

Saying it in time for your son's birthday is perfect as it means you can't be suspected of being grabby/tight.

Kitkat151 · 28/12/2021 14:49

@Icebreaker99

YANBU and she sounds like a CF, what does she bring to your life?

This Not one of my friends is like this .... this person is not your friend can’t you see this? 🤷‍♀️

HaroldMeeker · 28/12/2021 14:57

Just tell her you aren't going to do any more gifts from now on. It's not remotely unreasonable, irrespective of circumstances.

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