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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?

102 replies

helenabonhamfarter · 27/12/2021 18:41

I have just catered single handedly for 12 for two days. It's been hard, hard work. Three families and no offered to do the washing up/help with cooking (apart from my husband). I work full time for what is is worth- including Christmas Eve and back to work tomorrow. So pretty shattered. The other wives and one BIL don't work at all.
I really pushed the boat out as we missed out last year.
Probably spent >£600 in food and alcohol.
My sister in law asked what she could bring- I suggested some cheeses and crackers for Boxing Day. She brought 4-5 cheeses and a bottle of port.
She left this morning. I have just noticed she has taken all the remnants of cheese from the fridge and 1/2bottle of port home with her.
I think this is bloody rude my husband less so.
Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Grumpyosaurus · 27/12/2021 20:37

Bloody rude, all of them. I expect guests to help in these circumstances (it's not like a dinner party where they all go home and you clear up and flake out). And to take back what you have brought is incredibly tight.

You did a lovely thing, OP, and you have my sympathies: I've had quite enough of idle, tightwad ILs in my own life and know the rage it induces. I actively avoid IL gatherings now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2021 20:38

MIL must have realised no one else was lifting a finger. Were they like this when she’s hosted things?

SoonbeSpringtime · 27/12/2021 20:47

Well first off, you and your DH have done a lovely thing for MIL so make that your main take from the hosting.

Apart from one BIL who entertained the youngsters, which in itself is a big help, everyone else sounds insensitive, thoughtless, inconsiderate and selfish, so I wouldn't be hosting again and if there was any suggestion, despite you having the house that accommodates all, my response would be 'We've done our bit'.

For a comparison, our children came for two nights and for one night and brought champagne, wine, soft drinks, beef fillet, a half side of salmon, chocolates, cake, nice breads and enough deli foods to feed a household for a week. That was on top of extremely generous gifts.

No one wanted to grab what they'd brought but we divvied up what was unused on account of who would like it most, regardless of who'd provided it.

It would be a shame if you remembered MIL's potentially last Christmas with a flavour of meanness, so I'd let it go, but not put myself in that position again.

Holly60 · 27/12/2021 20:49

@Animood

I'm pleased I did it for my MIL but outraged her daughters didn't help at all.

But sexist here. EVERYONE should have chipped in with clearing up and helping.

I think IP just means MIL’s own children didn’t help OP and her DH when they were trying to make her last christmas special.
sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 20:57

Lesson learned.

If you want something - help, contributions etc - ask for it.

No point being a martyr.

And don't send the passive aggressive Port text, that's just silly.

You set out to do a kind thing, you did it, now let it go.

Now you know what you need to do in future, be very clear about expectations.

LittleRoundRobin · 27/12/2021 20:57

@helenabonhamfarter

Of COURSE YANBU to be pissed off and think they're rude, but as previous posters have said, you do come across as a bit of a martyr. Why the HELL are you doing all this? Single handedly catering for and waiting hand and foot on TWELVE people, and where the fuck is your DH in this? Why is he sitting on his arse the whole time, doing shag-all?

And I am sorry your MIL has terminal cancer, but why does this mean you have to be a martyr and spend £600 on these people? Confused

Honestly, some women are their own worst enemy.

LittleRoundRobin · 27/12/2021 20:58

@SheSaidHummingbird

Weird post. You're outraged that your guests didn't help, and then you go on to defend them all in their unhelpfulness...?
This. Very odd thread.
rookiemere · 27/12/2021 21:03

I hear you OP. I've hosted 12 people over Christmas and it's exhausting. I don't understand how people can sit on their bottoms and watch the person who cooked the entire bloody meal stack the dishwasher and wash the dirty serving bowls as well.

And no it shouldn't be your fault as decent people should offer and of course you don't want to create an atmosphere because of the circumstances . It was incredibly rude to take the port and cheese, I'd simply not invite them again as you've done your duty for MIL.

Queenie6655 · 27/12/2021 21:12

Awful thing to do

Just awful

I would have offered to do washing up, helped with food prep

I also bring many bottles of wine with me , cheese and chocs for you to say a huge thank you

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 27/12/2021 21:23

So why didn't you say anything?

You don't have to be a dormat. "Oi Sarah how about a hand with the washing up?" Easy, she either helps or looks a twat. Many people these days have dishwashers and washing up doesn't really occur to them. Others are lazy and deserve to have a spotlight shone upon their laziness.

Equally "Hey Simon, make yourself useful and carry the empty dishes into the kitchen".

Taking half a bottle of port home is a bit tight if the hosts are likely to drink it. I would leave it at my parents house but not my siblings because it would be wasted. Same with the cheese, depends whether it is likely to get used up.

In future speak up, get people to contribute at a level you consider fair so you aren't bitter and ask for help rather than being a martyr.

fitsandgiggles · 27/12/2021 21:25

So rude!

Puremule · 27/12/2021 21:26

Who the hell takes the leftovers of stuff they bring! OMG. Talk about letting yourself down!

BitterTits · 27/12/2021 21:30

@SheSaidHummingbird

Weird post. You're outraged that your guests didn't help, and then you go on to defend them all in their unhelpfulness...?
Omg, no OP hasn't. Why pore over threads looking for nits to pick? MN has become a shithole.
MrsSkylerWhite · 27/12/2021 21:35

You are.

It’s very simple: you don’t want them, (which you clearly don’t ) don’t invite them.

If you do, host. If you need help, ask.

DysmalRadius · 27/12/2021 21:38

@SheSaidHummingbird

Weird post. You're outraged that your guests didn't help, and then you go on to defend them all in their unhelpfulness...?
What do you see in the OP's that is defending them? Because I can't see anything?
banjaxxed · 27/12/2021 21:45

Very rude. We have had my FIL, he is a cheeky entitled house guest too.

I feel your pain

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2021 21:46

Did you ask them to help?

We had similar situation at inlaws when they invited my extended family. They offered to help with prep, setting table etc and mil just kept saying no. So they gave up and stopped offering then mil slagged them all off. I had a chat with mil about asking people to help as people are not mind readers

Gargellen · 27/12/2021 21:48

That is rude. What you take, you leave. Just because it hasn't been used up while you are there doesn't mean that the host doesn't want it!

BitterTits · 27/12/2021 21:49

@Hankunamatata

Did you ask them to help?

We had similar situation at inlaws when they invited my extended family. They offered to help with prep, setting table etc and mil just kept saying no. So they gave up and stopped offering then mil slagged them all off. I had a chat with mil about asking people to help as people are not mind readers

And by extension you are implying that this is what OP did. Nice.
PappaPaddy · 27/12/2021 21:58

[quote LittleRoundRobin]@helenabonhamfarter

Of COURSE YANBU to be pissed off and think they're rude, but as previous posters have said, you do come across as a bit of a martyr. Why the HELL are you doing all this? Single handedly catering for and waiting hand and foot on TWELVE people, and where the fuck is your DH in this? Why is he sitting on his arse the whole time, doing shag-all?

And I am sorry your MIL has terminal cancer, but why does this mean you have to be a martyr and spend £600 on these people? Confused

Honestly, some women are their own worst enemy.[/quote]
Her husband did help 🙄

Chloemol · 27/12/2021 22:30

So next time give them a list of duties

Robin233 · 27/12/2021 23:24

Just been to in-laws for lunch.
Took a bottle of wine. Which was still unopened when we left
It was a thank you

ListenToChickens · 28/12/2021 08:46

Outrageous behaviour from all of them. Cheese stealing was indeed the icing on the Christmas cake.

Sounds like my family. I hosted them for 15 years, including a few days after a horrendous birth. None of them did anything to help, most brought nothing.

In the end, my partner said to stop. Guess what? Nobody else has picked up the baton.

billy1966 · 28/12/2021 08:55

Awful behaviour.

You did a nice thing but don't have them to stay again.

Too much work.

boogiewithasuitcase · 28/12/2021 09:07

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

So why didn't you say anything?

You don't have to be a dormat. "Oi Sarah how about a hand with the washing up?" Easy, she either helps or looks a twat. Many people these days have dishwashers and washing up doesn't really occur to them. Others are lazy and deserve to have a spotlight shone upon their laziness.

Equally "Hey Simon, make yourself useful and carry the empty dishes into the kitchen".

Taking half a bottle of port home is a bit tight if the hosts are likely to drink it. I would leave it at my parents house but not my siblings because it would be wasted. Same with the cheese, depends whether it is likely to get used up.

In future speak up, get people to contribute at a level you consider fair so you aren't bitter and ask for help rather than being a martyr.

Yes, it's perfectly ok to make suggestions like this to them, and even if it gives them a shock, perhaps it will make them think twice in future before they start taking you (and your DH) for granted.