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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if your partner ever makes you feel on edge?

74 replies

Fudgein · 27/12/2021 17:35

Just wondering if this is normal in relationships- my partner constantly makes me feel on edge, however in no way is he abusive towards me. Examples are - something breaks in the house I.e. microwave - he shouts, swears throws things (not specifically at me but more in general shouting f&%# sake etc) and it makes me so uncomfortable. He then demands that I help him with whatever task he is doing whilst basically telling me the whole time I'm doing it wrong. He then takes this opportunity to complain about other things like the cupboards needing cleaned. It doesn't happen a lot, only when something unexpectedly goes wrong or if I take a wrong turn in the car etc but I hate it. I feel like the rest of the time I walk on eggshells trying not to upset him or I'm dreading the next 'event'. For reference I grew up in a home with domestic violence so I'm unsure if I'm more sensitive to these things. Once the thing is resolved he is usually fine but I hold a grudge and then wait for the next one. Is this normal? And if so how do I work around this with my own feelings? During these events I constantly think to myself how I would be happier without him & if x broke in my home and I was there alone it would be such a minor issue. Thank you.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 17:37

He sounds like a twat OP. You say he's not abusive but he gets angry and acts like a knob if something minor goes wrong like taking the wrong turn in the car?

You're on edge because you never know what's going to set him off.

Are you happy in your relationship?

Iamblossom · 27/12/2021 17:38

Your partner is abusive to you, this is not normal, kind, loving or acceptable.

crazyjinglist · 27/12/2021 17:43

No, my husband has never once made me feel on edge. You say he is in no way abusive to you... You know that abuse isn't just hitting and physical violence, right? Your warning bells you gained from living with domestic violence are going off for a reason, OP. The way he behaves towards you is not ok. Shouting,swearing, throwing things and relentlessly criticising and belittling you - why would you want to be with a man who does that?

CheesusWept · 27/12/2021 17:44

He is abusive to you.
You’ve said it yourself, you would be happier without him.
He sounds awful.

ofwarren · 27/12/2021 17:45

No, I've been with him 10 years and I've never felt on edge.

user1471442488 · 27/12/2021 17:45

He is abusing you. Abuse isn’t only hitting.

user15364596354862 · 27/12/2021 17:45

I think you misunderstand what abusive means, because this is abuse.

Liz1tummypain · 27/12/2021 17:46

I don't think that's normal, no. You should feel relaxed with your partner. Surely you can see he needs help with his temper and I think you would be more happy if you didn't have to deal with this,

user15364596354862 · 27/12/2021 17:46

Freedom Programme might be a good idea for you.

Fudgein · 27/12/2021 17:47

He does admit himself that minor things make him angry and recently had to apologise to a work colleague and ask him not to take it personally. I think he has anger problems, when I say he is not abusive he will never say 'you are an idiot you cant follow directions' but he will go oh for fucksake I said a right up here - right forget it. then I'm left lost & feeling like I can't ask for his help which makes him angrier as I inevitably end up further from where we are trying to go. It all sounds very minor when writing it down & I'm sure it is but I can't stand him when he behaves like this. I wouldn't say I am overly happy in my relationship I would say I've settled. He just gets so angry about minor things & I can't see it his way,I'm fairly laid back in general so might go oh for godsake, oh well. But he is absolutely full of rage. It's not only towards me though as mentioned he also behaves like this towards his own family & they have all mentioned how moody he is. We have been together a long time and it has never escalated but it also hasn't improved.

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 27/12/2021 17:49

You need to stop being laid back and stand up for yourself op. Shock him into realising how his behaviour affects others.
Or leave!! No way to live x

Believer99 · 27/12/2021 17:51

He sounds exactly like my husband, I usually do all the chores ( as well as work full time and primary carer for 3 kids) if he washes up once in a while he will slam everything around and make me so uncomfortable that he is doing it. Exactly like you something could spill and he would shout & swear when I would just wipe it up and get on with the day. No advice but your not alone.

Christoncrutches · 27/12/2021 17:51

Please examine why you think this ISN’T abusive behaviour. If you witnessed him behaving the same way to a child - shouting and swearing, smashing things in same space as the child, telling them what they do is wrong would you think it was ok? I think your background witnessing domestic violence has ‘moved the goalposts’ of what is and isn't acceptable in relationships… your partners behaviour is absolutely not acceptable, but because he’s not beating you up, you’re uncertain of how bad it is. Abuse is a spectrum and he’s on it.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 17:51

No, it’s not normal.
You need to consider if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life.

cushioncovers · 27/12/2021 17:53

This is abuse op. You can't tread on eggshells all your life.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2021 17:55

You say he is in no way abusive then immediately describe verbal abuse. Flowers

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2021 17:56

He is abusive to you
It’s not just physical violence

Fudgein · 27/12/2021 17:56

@Believer99 that's exactly it! If he hoovers the whole time he is saying how disgusting the house is & throwing things. I also work full time & have kids and make sure everything is spotless for him coming home. I like a clean and tidy home anyway but I do feel under pressure to have it 'perfect" and feel like I can't relax and have a day doing nothing every once in a while. All your posts have been so insightful - the DV I witnessed was brutal- physical and mental torture so in some ways I feel like theres much worse out there. Maybe I need to seek some counselling.

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 27/12/2021 17:56

What do you think would happen if you stood up to him? Do you think he would get violent? For instance, next time he says anything about your driving or navigating, what would happen if you just stopped the car, got out, and walked away?

Christoncrutches · 27/12/2021 17:56

@Believer99

He sounds exactly like my husband, I usually do all the chores ( as well as work full time and primary carer for 3 kids) if he washes up once in a while he will slam everything around and make me so uncomfortable that he is doing it. Exactly like you something could spill and he would shout & swear when I would just wipe it up and get on with the day. No advice but your not alone.
@Believer99 what makes you stay?
LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/12/2021 17:58

No it’s not normal, it’s a massive red flag that someone brought up in a healthy, loving home would run a mile from. Someone from such a home wouldn’t have formed a relationship with a man like this in the first place.

The only ‘work around’ for this is leaving him.

You deserve better, and life will be better without him. Flowers

Fudgein · 27/12/2021 17:58

@Funnylittlefloozie I have stood up to him before but honestly he will never admit he is wrong so there is no point it just descends into chaos. (He will shout and tell me how unreasonable I am) I realise I am not a good communicator which probably stems from trying to make myself small & invisible as a child in an abusive home.

OP posts:
Wombat69 · 27/12/2021 17:59

You're already conditioned, so no abuse is necessary, you're already trying so hard. But it is abuse if you can't relax at home...

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 18:00

[quote Fudgein]@Funnylittlefloozie I have stood up to him before but honestly he will never admit he is wrong so there is no point it just descends into chaos. (He will shout and tell me how unreasonable I am) I realise I am not a good communicator which probably stems from trying to make myself small & invisible as a child in an abusive home.[/quote]
Remember a couple of posts ago when you said he never insults you?

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 27/12/2021 18:02

No, I don’t think this is normal. My DP can get quite shouty watching sport, but I know it is directed at his football team or Andy Murray. Otherwise he is generally a calm, kind person.