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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if your partner ever makes you feel on edge?

74 replies

Fudgein · 27/12/2021 17:35

Just wondering if this is normal in relationships- my partner constantly makes me feel on edge, however in no way is he abusive towards me. Examples are - something breaks in the house I.e. microwave - he shouts, swears throws things (not specifically at me but more in general shouting f&%# sake etc) and it makes me so uncomfortable. He then demands that I help him with whatever task he is doing whilst basically telling me the whole time I'm doing it wrong. He then takes this opportunity to complain about other things like the cupboards needing cleaned. It doesn't happen a lot, only when something unexpectedly goes wrong or if I take a wrong turn in the car etc but I hate it. I feel like the rest of the time I walk on eggshells trying not to upset him or I'm dreading the next 'event'. For reference I grew up in a home with domestic violence so I'm unsure if I'm more sensitive to these things. Once the thing is resolved he is usually fine but I hold a grudge and then wait for the next one. Is this normal? And if so how do I work around this with my own feelings? During these events I constantly think to myself how I would be happier without him & if x broke in my home and I was there alone it would be such a minor issue. Thank you.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 27/12/2021 18:03

I realise I am not a good communicator which probably stems from trying to make myself small & invisible as a child in an abusive home.

I expect you’re trying to make yourself small and invisible now by walking on eggshells and trying not to “upset” him.

He sounds a horrible person because lots of people may swear when they break the microwave but they don’t then go in to take it out on their partner.

You should end this relationship it won’t get any better.

Sunset999 · 27/12/2021 18:03

This isnt normal, no one should constantly make you feel on edge.

Tal45 · 27/12/2021 18:04

It's him that's not a good communicator OP. He needs anger management, after the incident at work you have more evidence to prove he needs it. Do you feel able to tell him?

xmasduo · 27/12/2021 18:04

It's not normal. He sounds like a horrible person.

Believer99 · 27/12/2021 18:07

It was a lot worse when we were in our early twenties he would rip cupboards off the wall when drunk so this feels like an improvement, if I left he would absolutely demand to have the children 50/50 and then I wouldn't be able to protect them from it. He is exactly the same with the kids if toys are left out he will throw them hard into toy box whilst shouting about how scruffy we are.

Christmascakecakecheese · 27/12/2021 18:09

I do think some councelling would help you. You've clearly been through some horrible things in the past and maybe that has skewed how you expect to be treated. He has clear anger issues, maybe he can get therapy for those but you shouldn't have to be subjected to it in the meantime. You very much deserve better than this.

DeeCeeCherry · 27/12/2021 18:09

Just wondering if this is normal in relationships- my partner constantly makes me feel on edge, however in no way is he abusive towards me. Examples are - something breaks in the house I.e. microwave - he shouts, swears throws things (not specifically at me but more in general shouting f&%# sake etc) and it makes me so uncomfortable. He then demands that I help him with whatever task he is doing whilst basically telling me the whole time I'm doing it wrong. He then takes this opportunity to complain about other things like the cupboards needing cleaned. It doesn't happen a lot, only when something unexpectedly goes wrong or if I take a wrong turn in the car etc but I hate it. I feel like the rest of the time I walk on eggshells trying not to upset him or I'm dreading the next 'event'.

No, he doesnt and if he did I'd put him the fuck out of my life. Why would you ask if its 'normal' as if all men are the same?

You've just got yourself a horrible disrespectful one

Men are not Gods. They do not rule us and we do not die for lack of a man who makes us feel uncomfortable and unhappy in our lives.

Your soul dies a little more each day that you allow them and their bullshit to hang around you tho.

Short term pain longterm gain is so under-rated. Get rid of problematic person now, go through the pain upset tears and know that in time, you will be ok.

After all the alternative is a lifetime if being on edge, isnt it. Whats the actual point.

Christoncrutches · 27/12/2021 18:10

@Believer99

@Believer99 I think you need to talk to someone about this and get some support and advise about moving fwd in a better direction that safeguards you ALL from him.

HeadNorth · 27/12/2021 18:11

No, the total opposite. When I can be a bit uptight and anxious, he is my calming, easy going, kindly rock. Just being with him I think makes my heartrate calm a little, he never makes a drama out of anything and keeps me calm when I am stressed. Which I why I still love him after 30 years and hope we have at least another 30.

Bagamoyo1 · 27/12/2021 18:23

My ex was a bit like this OP.
He’d get stupidly angry about little things, and yell and stamp his feet and throw things.
One of his pet hates was bad traffic, and he had a fairly long commute to work. If I got home before him I would dread hearing his key in the door, wondering how bad the traffic had been, and if he was going to go into a massive rant about it.
We actually broke up because I wanted kids and he didn’t - so I never actually left as a result of his behaviour. But the relief when I was away from him was immense. I hadn’t realise how tense I was.

All his previous long term girlfriends had left him. He got married again after me , and she has now left him too. He started off lovely and sweet, but the temper showed once we’d moved in together.
Get out if you can, you’ll be so much happier.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2021 18:37

This is not normal. It’s abuse. As others have said you don’t have to be being hit to be being abused.

I was in a marriage for 10 years which was like this. I’m now in a relationship with someone who literally never makes me feel like this. We occasionally argue and frequently disagree but no way would he shout, swear of break stuff.

happychristmasbum · 27/12/2021 18:37

He is abusive and this is not good for you or your DC. Are they his?

You deserve better and so do the children.

Holothane · 27/12/2021 18:45

I often wonder what mood he’s in today or what’s upset him now.

Ohyesiam · 27/12/2021 18:46

What happens when you talk to him about it when it’s not happening?

littleburn · 27/12/2021 18:49

No it's not normal to have a partner that makes you feel constantly on edge, that you're scurrying around trying to make everything perfect for. It's not normal to feel you're walking on eggshells shells and have to do x,y and z in order to minimise and manage their bad temper.

My ex husband was like yours. I came from a 'normal' family (no domestic abuse) and it's only now in retrospect that I realise how quickly I adapted to and saw as normal the kind of things you're describing. It became normal to me to make decisions on the basis of 'well he's going to be annoyed whatever I do/say, so what option will annoy him the least?' Now, 5 years on from leaving, I can see how small and restricted my life was because I had to constantly centre him and his reactions. You need help (therapy) to see this for what it is and get to the point where you feel able to leave.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/12/2021 18:53

This is absolutely abuse take my word for it. It starts like this and escalates.
Id be considering leaving this man ASAP before it does escalate. This isn't a normal relationship. You know it isn't or you wouldn't be posting here. You know something is wrong.

Iggly · 27/12/2021 18:55

It’s sad OP that you’re blaming yourself for a lot of this when actually, it’s him.

Toasterandjam · 27/12/2021 18:56

Identical to the controlling twat that I live with. I feel exactly the same. As soon as financially viable, I'm out that door.

cherrycola7 · 27/12/2021 18:56

"But he is absolutely full of rage. It's not only towards me though as mentioned he also behaves like this towards his own family & they have all mentioned how moody he is. We have been together a long time"

Why would you want to be with someone for a long time if they are full of rage?

Why do you want to live your life feeling "on edge" ?

Ask yourself that question. What would you advise some one you loved who was in this position?

I am so sorry that you had a difficult childhood and undoubtedly that has affected what you see as normal.

Please give yourself some respect and end this. And please don't rush into another relationship because you are feeling lost or empty as the same dynamics may happen again.

Learn to love yourself first. Try getting counselling if you are able, otherwise self-help books can be terrific.

I'm speaking as someone who knows about this, what are you are living through is categorically abusive behaviour. Do not accept it

crazyjinglist · 27/12/2021 18:57

OP you need to ask yourself why you have stayed all these years with a man who you admit was full of rage all along and behaves angrily to his family and colleagues as well as to you. It has never improved- this is who he is. 'Not as bad as brutal physical abuse' is a very very low bar to set for a relationship. It must be down to skewed boundaries due to your experience of domestic violence, but it's never too late to start a life free of abuse.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2021 18:59

No, dp never acts like that. My abusive father did, though.

Siuan · 27/12/2021 19:00

No it's not normal and you must know that.
It's never normal to feel anxious all the time in case you accidentally set off his rage.
I have been with DH 45 years and he has never shouted at me or done any of those things you describe.

tectonicplates · 27/12/2021 19:26

I feel like the rest of the time I walk on eggshells trying not to upset him or I'm dreading the next 'event'.

This is a classic, text book example that you're in an abusive relationship. Please make plans to leave. I've been there and I promise you his behaviour is not going to improve.

Skinnytailedsquirrel · 27/12/2021 19:28

Not normal, not healthy. Feel sad for you but I know that is some people's reality. Why are you still with him - you know it's not right.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 27/12/2021 19:38

I've been with my partner around 15 years give or take and at times I've felt on edge. He isn't abusive, he goes out of his way to help me, is supportive, generous, etc etc.

But there have been instances where he's lost his rag with something. Car breaking down, dismantling equipment and struggling to put it back etc. As he's a man, his voice is deep and if he raises his voice, (not aimed at me) it puts me on edge. I get a gut wrenching feeling that I think is probably disproportionate.

I haven't come from an abusive home but I have triggers around domestic abuse and power imbalances for reasons I'm not altogether aware of.

Ironically, I'm probably more moody than he his, but I'm highly emotional and regularly take on others emotions (I do this when reading the news and Mumsnet too).

Anyway... I do think it's possible you're projecting your insecurities, but it's also possible he isn't gentle enough in his approach to things to suit your personality.

I would recommend some counselling to talk it through.

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