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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if your partner ever makes you feel on edge?

74 replies

Fudgein · 27/12/2021 17:35

Just wondering if this is normal in relationships- my partner constantly makes me feel on edge, however in no way is he abusive towards me. Examples are - something breaks in the house I.e. microwave - he shouts, swears throws things (not specifically at me but more in general shouting f&%# sake etc) and it makes me so uncomfortable. He then demands that I help him with whatever task he is doing whilst basically telling me the whole time I'm doing it wrong. He then takes this opportunity to complain about other things like the cupboards needing cleaned. It doesn't happen a lot, only when something unexpectedly goes wrong or if I take a wrong turn in the car etc but I hate it. I feel like the rest of the time I walk on eggshells trying not to upset him or I'm dreading the next 'event'. For reference I grew up in a home with domestic violence so I'm unsure if I'm more sensitive to these things. Once the thing is resolved he is usually fine but I hold a grudge and then wait for the next one. Is this normal? And if so how do I work around this with my own feelings? During these events I constantly think to myself how I would be happier without him & if x broke in my home and I was there alone it would be such a minor issue. Thank you.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 27/12/2021 19:42

@Fudgein

Just wondering if this is normal in relationships- my partner constantly makes me feel on edge, however in no way is he abusive towards me. Examples are - something breaks in the house I.e. microwave - he shouts, swears throws things (not specifically at me but more in general shouting f&%# sake etc) and it makes me so uncomfortable. He then demands that I help him with whatever task he is doing whilst basically telling me the whole time I'm doing it wrong. He then takes this opportunity to complain about other things like the cupboards needing cleaned. It doesn't happen a lot, only when something unexpectedly goes wrong or if I take a wrong turn in the car etc but I hate it. I feel like the rest of the time I walk on eggshells trying not to upset him or I'm dreading the next 'event'. For reference I grew up in a home with domestic violence so I'm unsure if I'm more sensitive to these things. Once the thing is resolved he is usually fine but I hold a grudge and then wait for the next one. Is this normal? And if so how do I work around this with my own feelings? During these events I constantly think to myself how I would be happier without him & if x broke in my home and I was there alone it would be such a minor issue. Thank you.
This is abusive behaviour. It might be different to the behaviour you grew up with, but it's still abusive. EG, he may not throw things directly at you, but throwing things at all is abusive.

It brought my ex to mind, and I got a tight chest just remembering his behaviour.

You say you'd be happier alone. So go and be happy. You don't need his permission.

Hotyogahotchoc · 27/12/2021 19:45

He is directing his anger at you and he isn't exactly subtle about it.

Yes I agree he's abusive but my DH is very similar.

Fallagain · 27/12/2021 19:46

[quote Fudgein]@Believer99 that's exactly it! If he hoovers the whole time he is saying how disgusting the house is & throwing things. I also work full time & have kids and make sure everything is spotless for him coming home. I like a clean and tidy home anyway but I do feel under pressure to have it 'perfect" and feel like I can't relax and have a day doing nothing every once in a while. All your posts have been so insightful - the DV I witnessed was brutal- physical and mental torture so in some ways I feel like theres much worse out there. Maybe I need to seek some counselling.[/quote]
Please seek help. Neither you or your kids should be putting up with this abuse.

Hotyogahotchoc · 27/12/2021 19:50

Example today he is unwell so been in bed all day and I've been going up to ask if he needs anything and take drinks, offer food, painkillers etc...

He came down for the first time an hour ago and asked if I'd given the dog his medicine. I hadn't because DH usually does it and I forgot. It's my dog but I look after our young baby 24 hours a day so he helps with the dog. Anyway I said I forgot to feed dog medicine so will do it now and he started a lecture about how we should give the dog away as clearly neither of us can care for him. Not out of concern for the dog but clearly in a bad mood. I suggested he could have raised the issue of helping with the dog in another way without taking to me like that and upsetting me.

I think I feel similar to you OP because he can be fine one moment and we've been away from him all day but he came downstairs and made me feel crap in 5 seconds flat just because he's in a bad mood.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 27/12/2021 19:54

Please ignore my last message. From what you've updated, my partner isnt the same. He doesnt throw things and doesn't swear when doing chores etc. He does like a tidy house but he does this himself without complaining.

I think a counsellor will help you get your thoughts in order. Either way, you deserve happiness xx

PizzasPlease · 27/12/2021 19:59

I'm currently sat here browsing Mumsnet whilst my partner is in another room with a face like thunder.
Christmas has been awful.
I 'upset' him on Christmas Eve as I called him out on shit behaviour and I've been walking on eggshells ever since.
We visited my parents on Christmas Day and he made the atmosphere awful and yesterday and today has been the same here at home.

Hotyogahotchoc · 27/12/2021 20:04

I'm sorry @PizzasPlease thats rubbish especially over Christmas

I feel that our issues often arise when I dare raise something I'm not happy with or like today when he just "starts" as he feels like it

Very conscious oh how I speak to him but seemingly oblivious to how rude and unpleasant he can be

EmmasMum12 · 27/12/2021 20:19

The fact that you think he ISN'T abusive is very very worrying

Mummadeze · 27/12/2021 20:35

It makes me so angry that the atmosphere has to be governed by men like this. You can only be relaxed and happy when they decide its okay. Am just sick of it. I can’t wait to live on my own one day. You are living with abuse, as am I and many other women I know. Hope you get your freedom one day too.

Hotyogahotchoc · 27/12/2021 20:55

We should start a support group thread

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/12/2021 20:56

This is abuse.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 27/12/2021 20:59

A lot of men are like this but he is in the wrong and needs to change.

PizzasPlease · 27/12/2021 21:20

@Hotyogahotchoc

We should start a support group thread
Great idea. (and thanks for the acknowledgement. Feel so alone)
inheritancetrack · 27/12/2021 21:26

You have a serious talk with him and explain why you are hypersensitive to people with anger issues. If he agrees to some anger management course and learns to control his temper, then yes stay. If not that's it, you go. You do not walk on eggshells because someone else has the problem. Controlling his temper is not about bottling it up it's about not reacting so negatively

inheritancetrack · 27/12/2021 21:27

Sorry I read further down. It's unacceptable and you have to end it. It is abusive

Coronawireless · 27/12/2021 21:34

@Mummadeze

It makes me so angry that the atmosphere has to be governed by men like this. You can only be relaxed and happy when they decide its okay. Am just sick of it. I can’t wait to live on my own one day. You are living with abuse, as am I and many other women I know. Hope you get your freedom one day too.
you can only be relaxed and happy when they decide it’s ok

Just read that again OP.
What are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?

username1293948 · 27/12/2021 21:52

Abuse isn’t just physical.

Crunchymum · 27/12/2021 22:01

[quote Fudgein]@Believer99 that's exactly it! If he hoovers the whole time he is saying how disgusting the house is & throwing things. I also work full time & have kids and make sure everything is spotless for him coming home. I like a clean and tidy home anyway but I do feel under pressure to have it 'perfect" and feel like I can't relax and have a day doing nothing every once in a while. All your posts have been so insightful - the DV I witnessed was brutal- physical and mental torture so in some ways I feel like theres much worse out there. Maybe I need to seek some counselling.[/quote]
@Fudgein

Are they his children?

What are your living arrangements?

He is abusive and if your children are witnessing this, you are perpetuating your own horrible abuse.

Make a stand and get this vile man away from your children.

Hotyogahotchoc · 27/12/2021 22:07

@PizzasPlease No problem. I understand. I feel alone too. I have family and friends but I don't like to speak to them about things that happen between us as I'm embarrassed.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 27/12/2021 22:31

He is abusive OP and you're falling into a trap of thinking it's not as bad as what you witnessed before so it's not 'real' abuse. It is.
You need to get away from him, and you might benefit from doing the freedom programme or speaking to someone in a domestic abuse specialist service.
Please be aware of the signs before getting into another abusive relationship. Abusers can sniff out vulnerable women. None of it is your fault, you don't deserve this.

Fudgein · 28/12/2021 00:04

Sorry for the late response.. to answer a few questions -

I genuinely didnt think it was abuse , I just wondered if I was too sensitive due to my past experiences & how other people dealt with the same things.

He never throws things at me etc - he does lose his temper but I am never 'scared' or frightened. It is more the atmosphere and feeling miserable that gets to me. Despite how I come across here I do advocate for my children and regularly will intervene if I feel he is being hard on them. I choose not to speak up for myself mostly because I can't be bothered prolonging it.

Yes the children are his & they also realise he is bad tempered but quickly get over it.

I will look into counselling - I have been thinking about it for a long time anyway.

I also take on board that this issue is his to deal with and I will try to have a calm conversation with him about it. I don't know how it will go but I can only try.

I am so sorry for those of you also feeling this way and so much worse and I hope for us all to be treated the way we deserve.

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 28/12/2021 00:38

My husband was like this - antidepressants for him were a game changer.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2021 00:46

He is nasty and abusive and he’s damaging your children.

I’m telling you now you will not be happy until you get away from him.

Christoncrutches · 29/12/2021 01:38

@Fudgein

Sorry for the late response.. to answer a few questions -

I genuinely didnt think it was abuse , I just wondered if I was too sensitive due to my past experiences & how other people dealt with the same things.

He never throws things at me etc - he does lose his temper but I am never 'scared' or frightened. It is more the atmosphere and feeling miserable that gets to me. Despite how I come across here I do advocate for my children and regularly will intervene if I feel he is being hard on them. I choose not to speak up for myself mostly because I can't be bothered prolonging it.

Yes the children are his & they also realise he is bad tempered but quickly get over it.

I will look into counselling - I have been thinking about it for a long time anyway.

I also take on board that this issue is his to deal with and I will try to have a calm conversation with him about it. I don't know how it will go but I can only try.

I am so sorry for those of you also feeling this way and so much worse and I hope for us all to be treated the way we deserve.

Counselling could help you find your voice so please do follow through… good luck x
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