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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow mother to my home

59 replies

Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 00:09

She is vulnerable and I have COVID.
She has broken her electrics a week ago and won’t eat anyone in (a total other reason) she promised to let someone in today to do it but she hasn’t again ans now I’m ill ans she will want to come and stay here. I’m really stressed out as we don’t get on she makes no effort and the house is horrible I feel like it’s not my own. I’m so stressed and unwell but she will say she has no where else ro charge her phone
Iv been really unwell this afternoon but I’m stressing as she won’t tell anyone else and so it’s all on my shoulders. I feel I can’t leave her but I also feel my keep allowing her she’s going to keep putting it off as she keeps doing
I even offered to pay for someone I’m so frustrated

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 27/12/2021 00:11

Your mum is an adult and needs to let you recover. Don’t let her in. How would you feel if she became ill?

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 00:13

Why won't she let anyone in to do repairs?

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 00:14

That’s exactly it but she’s saying she will already have it if I have
I feel so stressed with worry as I don’t know when or even if she’s doing to sort this issue but I feel guilty not helping her

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 00:14

And also what if she gets COVID herself

OP posts:
DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 27/12/2021 00:22

You have covid, you can’t let her stay. Also, she’s an adult, let her take responsibility for her own decisions.

Why is she vulnerable? Is she elderly or have dementia?

NumberTheory · 27/12/2021 03:50

You’re sick. COVID or not, you need peace and rest. Not stress and another person to be concerned about.

Tell your mum you’re sick and she needs to look after herself and sort her own life out.

Justilou1 · 27/12/2021 07:56

If she has it, SHE needs to not be relying on you for help anyway…. Ffs… you need to get out of this really unhealthy guilt cycle.

SOTFS · 27/12/2021 07:58

Your mother sounds demanding. On that premise alone I would't agree to her idea.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 10:35

Well she has been blaming me all night for not having electric saying I’ve stressed her out (by asking her to sort it out) and now she has no energy. Making me feel bad for having electric and saying I’m not really ill. At this point I feel so conflicted like I’m doing something wrong
It’s honestly been so stressful and the worst time ever as this has been my problem and she just won’t fix it

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 10:40

How old is she? You need to spell it out to her that she needs to let someone in her house if she wants her electricity back on, and the responsibility is hers and hers alone.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 10:43

I don’t know who can help as I can’t get to her and now her phone is off and I’m worried sick

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 10:45

Assuming she diesnt have dementia then she's an adult and can sort it herself. If she does have dementia its doubly important that you dont risk her catching COVID from you. So the answer is no, she needs to stay home - and you need rest so switch your phone off.

LubaLuca · 27/12/2021 10:45

When you say she's broken her electric, that surely must mean something as simple as a tripped fuse. There's very little else that someone could do to knock their home's electric out.

Does she have a neighbour who could nip in and show her what to do when this happens?

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 10:46

Why are you worried sick? Does your mum have a MH condition?

pigsDOfly · 27/12/2021 10:48

Firstly, if you have covid you are obliged to isolate yourself from your mother and everyone else and she needs to accept that she can't come to your house.

Secondly, you need the time to yourself to rest and take care of yourself.

She's an adult, she knows her electricity needs to be fixed and she needs to get it fixed if she won't let you help her.

You're not doing anything wrong. Look after yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 10:50

Does she have an MH problem? Given that the lack of electricity may ultimately affect her health, is it worth alerting social services?

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2021 10:51

You are sick and need to let this one go. It actually sounds as though you dm is punishing you as you are not jumping to her tune.

Do you have siblings, or does she have siblings who you can message and tell them that you are ill and she is being daft... but you can't sort so they need to?

If not can you call the police to do a welfare check so give you peace of mind and then ignore her. Make sure she canot get into your home and switch her off until you are better.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 11:06

She has some mh difficulties including hoarding which she will only admit to me. I’m an only child so it falls on me. But she’s also not very nice to me and accuses me of things I don’t do or says I’m things I’m not and it’s broken me this Xmas. She has lent me money in the past which she holds over me.

She keeps saying as she’s been around me it’s ok to come back but one I don’t want to break rules and 2 I don’t want her here this is my safe place and it’s not wheh she is here. She has been staying the past week and it’s been awful
I helped her clear space for workmen’s to check the electric yesterday but she says it’s not enough and keeps putting it off saying that by me asking her both nicely and sternly to do it I’m pressuring her and taking her energy away to do it. I feel so upset and like this is all my fault even though I know deep down it’s not

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 11:08

She’s even put in a message I have access to heating and food so it’s ok for me! I’m feeling bad for having the essentials and that’s how it’s always been I feel guilty for having things it sounds ridiculous I not even turned my heating on as I do actually feel bad for having it whilst she is there cold but I also know even if she did come here she wouldn’t leave and it would drive me to the point of a breakdown and she wouldn’t do anything to solve it

OP posts:
thebabessavedme · 27/12/2021 11:23

OP, You sound at the end of your tether! I think the time has now come for you to get tough. She may be your mother but you are not responsible for her, she is using you as a crutch to enable her to carry on with her current lifestyle and its not your fault and you need to 'for once' I bet, put yourself first. She is plainly capable of dealing with an electrician, she seems to be able to understand how to use a phone afterall! She just does not want to!

This may be the crisis she needs to have to make her see that she has to change the way she lives.

As for you, lock the door, turn your phone off and get into bed, you are poorly, look after you!

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 27/12/2021 11:32

She’s manipulating you, you need to stop engaging. She’ll have turned her phone off on purpose. It’s her decision to not let someone in, that’s not your responsibility.

Anordinarymum · 27/12/2021 11:35

How old is your mum?

Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 12:04

Love you are unhealthy, maybe even dangerously, enmeshed with your mum and - for your sake - you need to stop prioritising her over yourself. You are painting a picture of a very disturbed human being who needs you in constant attendance just to keep the wheels on. Is that how you really want to spend your life?

Fir now though, you are sick. Put the heating on, have a warm drink and put your feet up. Dont contact your mum or read her messages for a few days (she will ramp up the more you defy her so the only thing to do is disengage). Whatever the answer is going forward it is not you being subsumed by her problems and issues.

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 12:06

Sounds like you need to report your Mum to social services as a vulnerable adult and then step completely back and tell her and SS that you are not having anything to do with her anymore.

You sound very downtrodden in the FOG and that she has been abusive towards you your entire life.

Turn the phone and doorbell off and go to bed.

Thanks
SpellBounds · 27/12/2021 12:11

You're not being clear - she wants to come and stay but she's also been there for the past week too? I'm confused. Phone social services and report her. Hoarding is a serious mental health issue and it sounds like her home is dangerous. You can't "break" your own electrics and you can't fix them yourself either.