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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow mother to my home

59 replies

Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 00:09

She is vulnerable and I have COVID.
She has broken her electrics a week ago and won’t eat anyone in (a total other reason) she promised to let someone in today to do it but she hasn’t again ans now I’m ill ans she will want to come and stay here. I’m really stressed out as we don’t get on she makes no effort and the house is horrible I feel like it’s not my own. I’m so stressed and unwell but she will say she has no where else ro charge her phone
Iv been really unwell this afternoon but I’m stressing as she won’t tell anyone else and so it’s all on my shoulders. I feel I can’t leave her but I also feel my keep allowing her she’s going to keep putting it off as she keeps doing
I even offered to pay for someone I’m so frustrated

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 27/12/2021 12:52

I wondered if she had MH issues. Ultimately, you are unwell and her MH issues are not within your scope. You simply can’t “fix” her, nor should you put your physical health at risk or endanger the general public to sort out her electricity. You are probably coming to realise that your continual availability guilt-led willingness to step in amd sort her out (help her) is actually enabling her and comes at the cost of your own physical and mental health. (Not to mention time and finances, too…)
My suggestion would be to contact the police and tell them the full story and request a welfare check. If she is deemed to be unable to meet capacity, she will be taken to a hospital where she will be warm and fed. With a bit of luck, responsibility for her living conditions may be taken over by the council.
She will be initially angry, but you can’t allow your fear of her disapproval or anger be such a controlling force in your life or you will be trapped in this cycle forever.

Mamamamasaurus · 27/12/2021 13:15

Letting her stay with you won't fix the issue - if anything it will get worse. She'll hoard at your house, make you miserable, probably catch Covid amongst other things.

Her house not being heated / aired will cause mould and further issues down the line. She's helping nobody by refusing to allow someone in to fix the issue. Mind you, I don't understand how she broke the electrics - could she have sabotaged them? I've had my entire electrics trip off when I spilled water into a socket - they dried off quickly and got switched back on, no issues. It must be something major to need someone in to fix them.

I believe someone upthread has mentioned reporting her, I second this, adult social services may be able to help, she sounds like her MH is tenuous at best and like she's on the cusp of potential self neglect.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 13:16

She is 60

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 27/12/2021 13:34

Yep - so you could have another 30+ years of this.
I would stop responding to her and leave her to it.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 13:35

@Porcupineintherough

Love you are unhealthy, maybe even dangerously, enmeshed with your mum and - for your sake - you need to stop prioritising her over yourself. You are painting a picture of a very disturbed human being who needs you in constant attendance just to keep the wheels on. Is that how you really want to spend your life?

Fir now though, you are sick. Put the heating on, have a warm drink and put your feet up. Dont contact your mum or read her messages for a few days (she will ramp up the more you defy her so the only thing to do is disengage). Whatever the answer is going forward it is not you being subsumed by her problems and issues.

I think your right and I keep avoiding it because I’m so scared of all the drama and rubbish that happens when I say no that I do just enough to keep a lid on but it’s making me so sick. I can’t think of a day when I didn’t have her drama or her views on how awful I am. It’s actually made me feel very sick and low I have got to the point where I feel nasty and evil for having any needs or boundaries of my own.
OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 13:35

Oh jeez giant haystacks when you put it like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 13:38

@SpellBounds

You're not being clear - she wants to come and stay but she's also been there for the past week too? I'm confused. Phone social services and report her. Hoarding is a serious mental health issue and it sounds like her home is dangerous. You can't "break" your own electrics and you can't fix them yourself either.
She has been at mine for the last week whilst I beg her to at least let me do something about it. She promised she would deal with it Boxing Day but hasn’t and so stayed there last night with no electric as I didn’t allow her to stay at mine as I feel so ill and drained
OP posts:
Justilou1 · 27/12/2021 14:02

@Shockedmama - has it occurred to you that maybe she’s been unwell for a while (avoiding her home) and has perhaps been the one who gave you Covid in the first place?

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 14:26

Please put your needs first, having boundaries doesn't make you a bad person

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 17:08

@RandomMess

Sounds like you need to report your Mum to social services as a vulnerable adult and then step completely back and tell her and SS that you are not having anything to do with her anymore.

You sound very downtrodden in the FOG and that she has been abusive towards you your entire life.

Turn the phone and doorbell off and go to bed.

Thanks

What’s FOG mean?

I hav turned phone off but just so worried as we approach night time I know I have to be strict though

OP posts:
DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 27/12/2021 17:13

Fear obligation guilt, it’s a cycle. If you Google it lots will come up.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2021 17:15

STOP pandering to your mother's demands. She fully capable of dealing with her own issues. You always there to be the "fixer" isn't helping.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 27/12/2021 20:04

@DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly

Fear obligation guilt, it’s a cycle. If you Google it lots will come up.
Thank you this has been really helpful to read up on
OP posts:
Chickmad · 27/12/2021 20:12

Does she own her home or live in a council/housing federation property?

Original poster
Shockedmama · 28/12/2021 12:11

It’s so hard as she’s really digging her heels in I feel so sick with stress. Non stop phone calls I just don’t understand why she won’t address it

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GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 12:31

@Shockedmama

It’s so hard as she’s really digging her heels in I feel so sick with stress. Non stop phone calls I just don’t understand why she won’t address it
Next time she calls, forestall her by saying "If this is about your lack of electrics, I'm not discussing it until you can tell me that you've got them fixed". Then every time thereafter, ask her the moment you pick up the phone whether she has had them fixed, and if her answer isn't "Yes" end the call.
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 12:34

I helped her clear space for workmen’s to check the electric yesterday but she says it’s not enough and keeps putting it off saying that by me asking her both nicely and sternly to do it I’m pressuring her and taking her energy away to do it.

Tell her that if she has energy to make excuses to you and keep phoning you, she has enough energy to phone the electrician.

RandomMess · 28/12/2021 12:36

Tell you are turning your phone off and you are too I'll to listen to her drama and she can leave a voicemail when she has them fixed. Then follow through.

Stop engaging with her, read up on grey rock technique.

Shedmistress · 28/12/2021 12:39

I mean, someone who is an electrician will at some point have to enter the house and fix it. Otherwise she will live with you forever?

You need to turn your phone off, and go back to bed and let yourself get better. Just text her once and tell her you aren't an electrician so she needs to sort it herself as there is nothing more you can do.

Also, she's only 60! Jeezus.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 28/12/2021 13:46

Thank you all iv offered to go round there and clear the way even feeling like this but she just wants to tell me how awful I am. I ge terrible turning phone off but I’m left with no choice. Wish I could just sleep for 3 weeks feels like a horrible horrible nightmare I’m not convinced she will do anything about it

Apparantly om not helping as I’m selfish and don’t like to do anything for anyone else

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/12/2021 14:19

This is why you need to stop listening to her.

She is emotional abusive to you.

Treat her like the toddler she is, take back the power.

Refuse to speak to her when she is being rude or nasty.

"I'll speak to you once you've apologised"

As soon as the nastiness starts hang up and turn your phone off and so on.

user1471447863 · 28/12/2021 17:44

@Shockedmama

Thank you all iv offered to go round there and clear the way even feeling like this but she just wants to tell me how awful I am. I ge terrible turning phone off but I’m left with no choice. Wish I could just sleep for 3 weeks feels like a horrible horrible nightmare I’m not convinced she will do anything about it

Apparantly om not helping as I’m selfish and don’t like to do anything for anyone else

You can't go round there if you have Covid as you state in your first post - you are isolating at home and are not allowed to leave your home except for very specific reasons - and this is not one of them.

If the electrician can physically access the meter & fusebox then that is enough to let him get on with it (depending upon what is actually wrong). Anybody who regularly accesses other peoples house for work will have seen (and smelt) it all before - and put on shoe covers to keep their boots clean rather than protect the carpets from their boots in cases.

If you are unable to access the fusebox without having to move much more than the hoover then there are bigger safety issues at play here.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 28/12/2021 19:56

I know I said I could do and she remain away. To be honest I don’t feel physically able but she’s just refusing to do anything and although rationally I know I’m not to blame I just want this to be over as I’m ao stressed the thoight of her there with no electric is killing me abs now she is saying she is unwell. I can’t have her here for reasons beyond covid it would send me round the edge but I’m just so so worried I feel like I’d do anything just to get this fixed now

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2021 20:14

Can you do a welfare check? Is that an option to you? Could you contact her local police station and ask to speak with the community policeman/woman. Explain your situation. You can't go but you think she is still without electricity and you belive that she is sitting in a cold house with no power, in case there is something that they can do for her.
Is she the type who wouldn't let a policeman/woman into her home? Do local police do that sort of check?

Original poster
Shockedmama · 28/12/2021 20:33

@LookItsMeAgain

Can you do a welfare check? Is that an option to you? Could you contact her local police station and ask to speak with the community policeman/woman. Explain your situation. You can't go but you think she is still without electricity and you belive that she is sitting in a cold house with no power, in case there is something that they can do for her. Is she the type who wouldn't let a policeman/woman into her home? Do local police do that sort of check?
I have thoight about this and even said I would need to but she gets very angry and upset if I say that. I don’t know if they would handle it sensitively enough Social care will only help with consent I’m going to call hoarders Uk tomorrow and get advice I know deep down she is worried she will be evicted but she won’t cos of that but if she keeps avoiding the electric issue she will. I just can’t believe she is doing this I feel torn between heart broken and angry that she is being so so selfish
OP posts: