Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

By sister deliberately said something nasty, i don't want ti know her anymore

100 replies

TinselTottyTart · 26/12/2021 19:54

I visited my sister Christmas Eve to drop gifts for her grandchildren. During the conversation she told me she had heard through her DIL my husband and I were being sued in the new year by a former landlord. We have a restraining order against him for harassment. She also stated he was suing us for damage (we left 9 months ago). This is nonsense, we had a professional clean and sign off. She knows this caused me and my daughter such distress. We had a fall out four years ago when our father died. She accused me of theft. I proved her wrong, she never apologised. I didn't see her for two years. I was crying Christmas eve as this man stalked me and my daughter yet she thinks it is OK that her DIL dines with him. She hated me as a child, broke ny nose at 15, called me a liar at 9 when a relative touched me up. I hate her. As a Christian I shouldn't but I do. She is a fecking bitch. I never want to see her again. I also want to tell l her what a she is.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 27/12/2021 12:13

I've no idea what she did wrong on Christmas Eve, but it really doesn't matter. You don't like her, so don't see her again. The end.

billy1966 · 27/12/2021 12:16

OP,

It is NOT Christian to remain in contact with someone as awful as your sister.

Have nothing more to do with her and cut this poison from your life.

Hope things work out for you.Flowers

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 12:17

Forgiving someone does not mean letting them back into your life @TinselTottyTart. I'm sure you know that, but just a friendly reminder Xmas Smile

A friend of mine studied theology and she said the whole turning the other cheek thing, has been misinterpreted. Even if you are a fully fledged follower of Christ, you do not have to stand there and take what people give you. Apparently that's not even what that analogy means. It's to do with oasis resistance or something as they would not have slapped with their kept hand or something like that.

Await correction, but that was my friend's interpretation anyway and she knew her stuff.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 12:18

Passive resistance*

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 12:18

Left hand*

Feeling very unchristian towards my autocorrect right now Xmas Wink

Selttan · 27/12/2021 12:22

Is it just me or are there a swath of threads at the moment where the OP is spewing a lot of venom about someone???

Seems to be more than usual.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 12:26

T'is the season @Selttan! I think it's Christmas brings out the worst in families sometimes. Or else bored kids off school, but I genuinely don't think so in this case. I've been wrong before though!

AlternativePerspective · 27/12/2021 12:31

When I read these kinds of bitter posts I’m less inclined to believe that things really are as the OP says they are.

I have a family member who is like this. Swears blind she was always the victim, that everyone picked on her, that x and y was said to her or behind her back, that someone has deliberately upset her and then she cuts contact accordingly or refuses to go to certain events if those people are there.

The thing is that she’s a compulsive liar/fantasist and most of it is pure bollocks.

But I have no doubt that if she came on here and said some of the things she claims happened which didn’t, posters would tell her that her family are vile and she should go NC. Personally I think they should have all gone NC with her decades ago as she is the nasty one.

Now no-one here knows the OP’s real story, but the bitterness with which this post is written doesn’t IMO show her in a completely innocent light here.

invisiblereally · 27/12/2021 12:31

This all sounds very childish

You don't like your sister OP, and hold onto things from your childhood. They are middle up with "nasty things she says now as she is jealous"

What did she do exactly at Xmas? Tell you she and DD had lunch with your ex LL and his side that he has put in court claim that you owe him money. Well ... if you do he will be successful, if you don't he won't be successful. You have a restraining order against him, surely there will be some element of he is not allowed indirect contact via other parties to harass you so maybe get advice on that from a solicitor.

Other than that, if you believe your sister is trying to be mean to you then reduce contact and don't talk to her for a while. If you don't believe she is , the reply with your side "he's lying, he can take us to court but judge will rule in our favour as he's lying, we have restraining order against him for stalking and harassing me. I will report this to solicitor as he may be arrested again for attempting to use you to indirectly harass me with false claims"

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 12:36

@AlternativePerspective

When I read these kinds of bitter posts I’m less inclined to believe that things really are as the OP says they are.

I have a family member who is like this. Swears blind she was always the victim, that everyone picked on her, that x and y was said to her or behind her back, that someone has deliberately upset her and then she cuts contact accordingly or refuses to go to certain events if those people are there.

The thing is that she’s a compulsive liar/fantasist and most of it is pure bollocks.

But I have no doubt that if she came on here and said some of the things she claims happened which didn’t, posters would tell her that her family are vile and she should go NC. Personally I think they should have all gone NC with her decades ago as she is the nasty one.

Now no-one here knows the OP’s real story, but the bitterness with which this post is written doesn’t IMO show her in a completely innocent light here.

Op probably isn't 100% innocent. Is anyone? But she doesn't like her sister. She doesn't have to see her. Nobody knows the ins and outs of it except them.

I know someone like your relative too though. Thankfully an ex of another relative and not related to me anymore. But it's up to her if she wants to cut people out isn't it? Maybe she has her reasons, or maybe not. But maybe she's just happier without those people in her life. I'd prefer people did that instead of harassing everyone to get on and be friends all the time, just because they're related. Cutting out is pretty passive. I have family who are actually aggressive which is so much worse. And actually, wading in with judgements about other people is worse to me than simply, politely, reducing contact.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 12:40

And not to get too deep / woo about it, but sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a family member where the relationship is toxic, is to reduce contact and stop feeding into that cycle. If someone in my family did that without fuss, I'd totally respect it. I wouldn't respect the person saying "that's such a shame, you should all get along, you're making it up / a fantasist". Actually pretty coercive.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 12:54

[quote TinselTottyTart]@PAFMO

She shouldn't have told me. She knows nothing but enjoys hurting people.[/quote]
Wouldn't you have blamed her when you found out that she had known all along and never forewarned you?

TinselTottyTart · 27/12/2021 12:59

@invisiblereally
I think you may be right about harrasment by indirect means.

OP posts:
2Gen · 27/12/2021 13:00

@ExtraOnion

Christianity (and coming from a Catholic), is very much about forgiveness, as it’s forgiving that allows us to move forward in life. That’s not to say you have to continue to have a relationship with your sister, but forgiveness might set you free from the anger you are feeling. Do you go to church ? Maybe have a chat with your priest or vicar.
I'm a Catholic too and the Church teaches what Christ teaches; that we forgive in the way God forgives and God forgives us when we repent. So, we aren't obliged to forgive anyone who has not expressed any sorrow or repentance. We are supposed to confront the person first to give them a chance to understand what they've done as sometimes people don't realise they've hurt us or done wrong. However, when someone has a history of being relentlessly hurtful, cruel, dishonest or generally toxic, we need to distance ourselves, as the ongoing anger and hurt is poison to the soul. We must always be ready to forgive, never seek revenge nor try to get one over on the person, but we don't and can't forgive anyone who isn't sorry. We can't be bigger than God! OP the best thing to do is distance yourself from your sister and then, as an act of Christian charity, pray for her, every day. Also, pray for yourself because it's ok to be angry but not to hate. Hating is a sin and it destroys the soul. Don't pick the wounds either or they'll never heal. Perhaps talk to your minister or if your a Catholic, go to Confession and tell the priest. Don't allow your sister to come between you and God! If you spend enough time away from her and heal the wounds, you will be able to feel some pity and compassion for her, as she is living in darkness if she enjoys hurting and causing distress to you or anyone!
Ibane · 27/12/2021 13:11

You don’t need anyone’s permission to no longer see your sister, OP, but none of this sounds like anything to do with what she said on Christmas Eve. Surely she may have legitimately thought you’d prefer to have advance warning that someone you have a restraining order out on is threatening legal action? I can imagine thinking that someone might resent me concealing that information if I happened to have been made privy to it, especially if this man had been stalking you in the recent past…?

TinselTottyTart · 27/12/2021 13:11

@2Gen

Thank you for this. CoE

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 27/12/2021 13:12

It’s not her fault that you chose to give up your career to nurse your parents. It’s laudable, but you need to own that choice and your parents should - in my opinion - have financially compensated you for it if they were able, in their will.

I would want my child to still go on their holiday too! So I’m inclined to believe her “it’s what dad would have wanted”.

You don’t like her - that’s fine. She doesn’t actually have to have done something awful for you to cut contact with her. It’s OK to stop even for mild dislike!

Pamlar · 27/12/2021 13:13

You don't need to be hurt by her anymore. So don't let her do it.
Don't contact her and avoid seeing her. She will no doubt try and find ways to continue upsetting you (via sm or whatever) bc she enjoys the feeling of power over you. Block her and move on bc otherwise it will never end and you will always be her punch bag

Flowers500 · 27/12/2021 13:13

Would it help you to speak to a Christian counsellor or something like that? About how you can end a relationship with someone while still having foreignness—you can forgive her for her terrible actions while acknowledging they will continue and you need to protect yourself

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 13:25

You don’t need anyone’s permission to no longer see your sister

Exactly. But I can see why she asked.

Even on this thread someone has called their relative nasty, a fantasist and a compulsive liar because she cut people out of her life. That may all be true in that particular case, but also, ime people don't easily accept it when people want to reduce contact with family, even if it is probably the best thing all round. And people can get nasty about it too, when it really isn't their business. Also important to remember that even siblings who for example cut out parents may have different memories of their upbringing. It's difficult to know from a outside perspective, even if you're a sibling, exactly what has gone on for that particular person. So best to accept it when people go no contact. Or you can always go no contact yourself if you truly believe they're a "nasty compulsive liar".

In my family, my sister called me neurotic, not normal, insane, crazy, a psycho, every time I disagreed with her or wouldn't let her have free access to my home. It's the main reason I'm low contact with her and because I did that, she has put it about that I am crazy. I'm not crazy / a fantasist or anything like it. I just don't like her and I have good reason. So I really object to the pp implying the op might be "like her relative" eg "a fantasist". People aren't automatically insane because you don't agree with them or they don't like you or someone else in your family. I'm sure that pp might be right about her own relative. I don't know her. But at the same time, going NC with someone doesn't automatically they are "unhinged" or mentally ill.

It's just interesting the language on this thread, as it does seem to be the commonly held view that someone going low or no contact with a sibling or parent means they must have something wrong with them mentally. That's so coercive and needs to be challenged.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 13:26

And the "unhinged" comment was deleted, so at least someone reported and HQ agreed that needs to be challenged.

diddl · 27/12/2021 13:47

You think she should tell her DIL who she can & cannot see?

That is surely overstepping on your part.

Chloemol · 27/12/2021 13:57

Just block her, don’t have anything to do with her

AlternativePerspective · 27/12/2021 14:22

It's just interesting the language on this thread, as it does seem to be the commonly held view that someone going low or no contact with a sibling or parent means they must have something wrong with them mentally. That's so coercive and needs to be challenged. Although if someone posts that they’ve been cut off by family then the suggestion always seems to be that they must have been the ones in the wrong, when actually, family can sometimes be toxic.

In my case the family member I referred to is toxic, and she lies about everything including imagined illnesses, claiming that half her siblings weren’t fathered by the same man, and when we found out recently that they all had a half sibling from their father’s side she was the one suggesting that the woman should be made to take a DNA test so that she could demand her share of the inheritance.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 27/12/2021 14:33

@AlternativePerspective

It's just interesting the language on this thread, as it does seem to be the commonly held view that someone going low or no contact with a sibling or parent means they must have something wrong with them mentally. That's so coercive and needs to be challenged. Although if someone posts that they’ve been cut off by family then the suggestion always seems to be that they must have been the ones in the wrong, when actually, family can sometimes be toxic.

In my case the family member I referred to is toxic, and she lies about everything including imagined illnesses, claiming that half her siblings weren’t fathered by the same man, and when we found out recently that they all had a half sibling from their father’s side she was the one suggesting that the woman should be made to take a DNA test so that she could demand her share of the inheritance.

Well, you're free to go no contact with her. I would! But you can't stop the rest of your family from seeing her.

Of course people assume that when someone posts on here saying they want to go no contact with someone, that their feelings are valid. You could play devil's advocate all day saying "oh but maybe the father you said abused you was just misunderstood. Or maybe you're just lying", but thankfully that wouldn't be allowed to happen on here.

It's just a forum, so we'll never know who the person posting really is. We can only post based on what we read. Doing mental gymnastics to make this op's fault is massively reaching. To go further and imply that she may be making everything up, including her sister breaking her nose when she was 15yo, is actually pretty bad alternative.

Your relative sounds pretty vile. How would you feel if I'd said "actually, I think you're a fantasist and you've made all that up about her. Are you a compulsive liar"?

Just an alternative perspective for you, to go with your name Xmas Wink

Swipe left for the next trending thread