To not really enjoy hosting people ?

[rookiemere]

So finally I have the house back to ourselves. Ironic when I'd spent the last couple of weeks stressing about relatives not being allowed to come to us for Christmas. So in theory absolutely delighted it went ahead, however I'd forgotten that I don't appear to be a natural hostess.

We had people staying for 3 nights ( one staying for one more night tonight, but he's pals with DS15 and absolutely no bother). 5 additional people staying in the house including one toddler and 4 more staying at a hotel, but with us during the day.

I love these people dearly, but I just struggle to keep on top of it all. Happy enough to churn out one big meal a day, but then I think people should sort themselves out for breakfast, and I put out leftovers for tea.

It used to be after Christmas dinner, the people not going on the walk and who hadn't prepared the meal would do the cleaning up, but a couple of the people seem to have become even less helpful than usual so DH ended up doing the pan washing up myself, although I did manage to force DS to unstack the dishwasher.

So I managed to hold it together mostly, but on top of not actually helping people were trying to give me extra jobs like sorting out their tumble drying and putting on a wash ( toddler emergency).

In the end it all worked out but I find it hard to hide my frazzlement and the unsaid expectation that proper Mums are able to do all this. i did try asking the young adults to help, but even getting them to finish their multiple cans of soft drink and put them in the recycling seems to be an impossibility.

Is there anyone who thrives on hosting and genuinely enjoys this? I do like the company but feel a lot of the burden falls straight on me ( DH does his bit with cleaning and prep).

I find hosting really stressful and exhausting. DH loves people around and gets his energy from being the life and soul of the party. DH's family members are very loud. After a certain amount of time I feel absolutely drained and can feel my energy being sapped out. It gets to a certain point and I just want people to leave. I don't like spending hours at other people's houses either, but at least can choose when I leave!

My mam will come for dinner. I dont do overnights) find they in no rush home! Our house small anyway. Sister same doesnt do it.

When I was a child my grandparents used to come and stay for a week at Christmas. My parents hated it and got so stressed that Christmas was ruined every year.
I learned an important lesson from this experience and would never have guests at Christmas. Overnight guests in the summer only when everyone is mostly outside!

@rookiemere

Yes *@KatherineJaneway* but BIL would get professionally insulted if I asked him to do something. I maybe could have asked one of the young adults- they used to be more helpful than they are now, but there's a bit of a back story.

The art is not to actually come right out and 'tell him what to do'. It is more like polite directing, so you get them to do what you want without them realising you are doing it.

he never asks me he just organises and then I can't say no.

Of course you can. Tell him beforehand you will not do it and just go out and leave him in the shit. He'll never do it again. He organises as he knows you'll tow the line.

@MadgeMak

I bloody hate it. My dad is here at the moment. Whenever he visits it's always for 4 nights which is far too long, I just want him to fuck off now. The saying that house guests are like fish, two days and they go off is applicable. I always say I'll tell him it's 2 nights max but he's on his own and quite lonely, I don't want him to feel unwelcome even though I don't particularly enjoy his company - he isn't much of a conversationalist, burps and farts constantly, doesn't offer to do anything helpful like babysit so we can have an evening out, is extremely fussy food wise so that impacts what we eat, the way he eats is disgusting too. He also has a habit of constantly drumming his fingers on something, it gives me the absolute rage. I don't enjoy hosting in general, but it's so tiresome with him in particular because I don't actually like him very much.

You deserve a medal. I couldn't put up with that at all.

We don't have a spare room and have to give up our bedroom. I am shattered after 3 nights on a camp bed in our living room. Two more nights to go...

There's a reason I don't do it

You've summed them up! I like my space and I like to do things on my timetable.

So whilst i enjoy hosting for a meal or something I can't enjoy having people around who expect me to do what they want when they want it - when they could do it themselves.

I'd just point them in direction if washing machine.

And use the well known phrase we use for children "when you've done x - I can do y"

So

"When all the rubbish is in the bin I can get more stuff out".

"When all the washing up is done - I can start to get out food for dinner".

Then disappear and chill and let them decide how much they actually want food etc by whether they are prepared to help!

My DP and I are like the warring couple in 'Father Ted' preparing the Christmas dinner in the kitchen, and all smiles when the food comes out to the family.

Thank goodness we don't have an open plan kitchen/diner!

@Woodhill I've never been to my parents for Christmas, unless you mean as a child growing up at home?
Nor to anyone else's.

@RainbowConnection1 you win, at least I had our lovely bedroom to retreat to. I put my foot down at people sleeping in the living room, our house just isn't big enough for that, plus that's the dogs bedroom.

I hate hosting and I've never done it. I can't really cook for large numbers and it would make me exceptionally anxious. I can do breakfasts, a lunch or a quick spag bol but not anything on a grand scale. I never grew up in an open house like that as my parents were workaholics. It's just not natural for me and very stressful.

I used to make Spag Bol when they came as it's easy to make for a crowd, but then BIL who never cooks made a sarky remark "Oh we were betting it would be spag bol again" so I felt that I had to do something else for Christmas Eve.
I need to stop worrying about what people think, don't I?

Believe me I'm not that backwards in coming forward, but the dynamics are awkward, so I resort to passive aggressive sniping instead at the least worst offenders.

I’d like to but you are really coming across as just passive, not passive aggressive. I doubt you dis any sniping?

Putting up with all these lazy men and young adults just saw DS can see everyone together isn’t worth it, imv.

'Ooh, what's your signature dish to make for a group of people, BIL? We could come to yours next year and have that!'

I'd then keep saying during the next year 'Of course we're all going to BIL's this year, it's his turn as Christmas Eve chef!'

[quote OhGiveUp]@Woodhill I've never been to my parents for Christmas, unless you mean as a child growing up at home?
Nor to anyone else's.[/quote]
My dm or mil used to do Christmas then we tend to do it now but not last year of course

YANBU OP - it really is exhausting. My guests arrived on Christmas Eve, there are only three of them, they’re all adults, they try to help out, and my DH more than pulls his weight - and I’m still completely shattered.

Worse still is my in-laws (who aren’t visiting) but they’re the kind of guests who expect you to collect their used plates from under their noses at the table.

[quote rookiemere]@RainbowConnection1 you win, at least I had our lovely bedroom to retreat to. I put my foot down at people sleeping in the living room, our house just isn't big enough for that, plus that's the dogs bedroom.[/quote]
This is the last time I'm willing to do it. The lack of privacy and discomfort take any joy away from the visit and I am shattered from not sleeping properly. Plus I can't hide in the bedroom when I need a time out, it's amazing how quickly it stops feeling like 'my' room.

@phishy you're right I do come across as passive, I guess the situation is complicated. Everyone tends to dance around BIL, I love SIL too much to really stir the pot. I was also so pleased we were allowed to be together, that I didn't want to spoil the atmosphere.

My lesson for the future is to absolutely do what is the least amount of work to me. I have installed some boundaries so once the meal was served on Christmas Day I was pretty much done, and in the morning I didn't make a cooked breakfast for the visitor who likes it.A bit of the tiptoeing around is because some of the adults are either diagnosed as being ND or plainly are, plus a couple of visitors have Learning Difficulties so although they are adults are stuck at the point of young teen behaviour, so I try to be tolerant.

DS actually surprised me a bit, he could see I was getting a bit overwhelmed and offered to do something- I can't remember what it was.

Anyway feeling much more relaxed now I have my living room ( sorry Rookiedogs living room) back. Haven't actually seen remaining visitor today since he came back - hope I've not scared him off.

I enjoy hosting, i have the space and am a decent organised cook, we have seven coming on New Year’s Eve for three days and I’m looking forward to it.

@Bluntness100 what's your secret?

@RainbowConnection1 I don't even like people using our bed when we're away. Had a situation pre lockdown where DM and DF were using it as we were away and some relatives were coming over and I may have been overly firm about insisting they changed the sheets - DPs have a relaxed view about sheet changing between guests.

To be fair I was fine during the day but it was nice to be able to go to bed relatively early.

I would not give up my bedroom for anyone - the only people allowed to stay in my house are my kids!
Some of you need to learn how to say no! Your houses might be convenient for other people but if it's not convenient for you, then why allow it? Elderly parents who would otherwise be alone, I get. But lazy arse brothers in law? Fuck no.

There is no secret, I’m happy to have my friends here, but I plan it in advance, I know what I’m cooking, what drinks I need, and what snacks, all day every day they will be here, plus I sort the bedrooms is advance, put clean towels In each room,

My friends get their own drinks, be it booze, coffee or soft drinks, they know where everything is and help themselves and each order.,I just do the meals, and for me, it’s just quantity of food.

So for example, on New Year’s Eve. Snacks, booze , spag Bol, salad and garlic bread, I will cook the Bol before everyone arrives. So it’s just boil pasta and do salad and garlic bread. Then cheesecake, which I have bought in advance from English cheesecake company.

For breakfast on sat I will do scrambled eggs, bacon and rolls, pizzas for lunch and I’m doing cheese burgers, salad, chick thighs for dinner, plus snacks of crisps, olives, nuts etc.

Then on Sunday I am doing sausages, egg and mushrooms, and they will I think leave mid afternoon, anyone who stays it’s a takeaway.

So I do the meals, everyone brings drinks,sorts themselves and helps me clean up. It’s no big deal. Beds done In advance, just point them to their room,

I’d also add though we never give up our bed as we have enough room to not have to.

I had my in laws for a grand total of 30 hours. They don't expect to be waited on etc, are helpful, but nonetheless I couldn't wait for them to leave.

They are in different habits to us. Late to rise and to bed, we & DC are early. They eat very differently to us. They are quite appearance focussed and will spend quite a while getting hair/makeup done of a morning, plus at a size 12-14 i am very much overweight by their standards, so I feel very pressured to dress up and devote time I dont have to my appearance.

Its always a relief when they go.