To not really enjoy hosting people ?

[rookiemere]

So finally I have the house back to ourselves. Ironic when I'd spent the last couple of weeks stressing about relatives not being allowed to come to us for Christmas. So in theory absolutely delighted it went ahead, however I'd forgotten that I don't appear to be a natural hostess.

We had people staying for 3 nights ( one staying for one more night tonight, but he's pals with DS15 and absolutely no bother). 5 additional people staying in the house including one toddler and 4 more staying at a hotel, but with us during the day.

I love these people dearly, but I just struggle to keep on top of it all. Happy enough to churn out one big meal a day, but then I think people should sort themselves out for breakfast, and I put out leftovers for tea.

It used to be after Christmas dinner, the people not going on the walk and who hadn't prepared the meal would do the cleaning up, but a couple of the people seem to have become even less helpful than usual so DH ended up doing the pan washing up myself, although I did manage to force DS to unstack the dishwasher.

So I managed to hold it together mostly, but on top of not actually helping people were trying to give me extra jobs like sorting out their tumble drying and putting on a wash ( toddler emergency).

In the end it all worked out but I find it hard to hide my frazzlement and the unsaid expectation that proper Mums are able to do all this. i did try asking the young adults to help, but even getting them to finish their multiple cans of soft drink and put them in the recycling seems to be an impossibility.

Is there anyone who thrives on hosting and genuinely enjoys this? I do like the company but feel a lot of the burden falls straight on me ( DH does his bit with cleaning and prep).

@ReformedWaywardTeen

I'm trying to figure out what's open Monday afternoon now! He is never happier than when in a room full of people holding court. I'm just not built that way. I'd rather a select group of friends, small group with similar interests rather than loads of randoms. I'm a homebody though and we didn't have dinner parties and stuff when I was a kid. He grew up in exactly the opposite household so it's normal for him. I don't think I'd have minded with some warning or the very least him to have asked. He's now in the kitchen "tidying"

Stop trying to figure out what's open on Monday. Just say no. Tell him it's not happening.

Does he seriously expect you to cook and clean for this 'do' that he never even mentioned to you? Why are you allowing this?

Never liked hosting for Christmas which is why I don’t do it anymore. Too much with the kids excited. doing presents and a big dinner with starter. It should be a relaxing day.

New Years Eve I look forward to hosting as can just do easy party food, put music on and have drinks.

I hate it so don't do it. @ReformedWaywardTeen I would have asked her what was happening Monday? And when she told me, advised her oh dear DH didn't make me aware of that, I've made plans but hope you have a lovely time.

Yes it's maybe the Christmas bit that tipped me over the edge @RamblingOldWoman .The fitting in of the present opening was just a nuisance that stopped me preparing the meal.

I find it stressful too. Especially now I have 2 young children who are enough of a daily handful. Nice to see people but I always let out a sigh of relief when I have house back to myself 😊

We only really have our adult DC staying with us and they do all help without being asked and we love having them home. Anyone else we meet for a walk or pub lunch.

I bloody hate it. My dad is here at the moment. Whenever he visits it's always for 4 nights which is far too long, I just want him to fuck off now. The saying that house guests are like fish, two days and they go off is applicable. I always say I'll tell him it's 2 nights max but he's on his own and quite lonely,
I don't want him to feel unwelcome even though I don't particularly enjoy his company - he isn't much of a conversationalist, burps and farts constantly, doesn't offer to do anything helpful like babysit so we can have an evening out, is extremely fussy food wise so that impacts what we eat, the way he eats is disgusting too. He also has a habit of constantly drumming his fingers on something, it gives me the absolute rage. I don't enjoy hosting in general, but it's so tiresome with him in particular because I don't actually like him very much.

I can’t imagine having people stay over! happy to host Xmas lunch for parents/inlaws but that’s enough! Last night I enjoyed the peace and quiet after a busy noisy day. People can expect too much at Xmas when most of us surely would rather be relaxing in our own homes?

✋

Here's a hand of solidarity to those with guests staying till tomorrow. I see you and I feel your pain. PILs leave in the morning and it's going to have been 36 12 hours too long.

Tbh @rookiemere I think the problem is that your guests sound self centred and lazy. Direct them more like @KatherineJaneway says. And with your BIL, you have to be thicker skinned and get more used to putting people out. They don't seem to be bothered that they're putting you out, do they? So give that back and ask them politely but assertively to do things.

@ReformedWaywardTeen it's all very well letting rip, but if you then go ahead and do it all, your husband will never stop doing this behind your back as it works out in his favour. Don't do the cleaning and tidying. Say the evening before that you're feeling a bit unwell and very tired and you're going to have a day in bed tomorrow so you'll leave him to make arrangements for his guests. He'll either cancel or step up but then it's his problem, not yours.

I feel your pain x10! My mum and her dog moved in to live with us and will be here until Feb (housing issue) and my much younger brother is at uni so now he’s here too! Brother is absolutely bloody useless. It’s like he’s arrived at a hotel. I’m running round like an idiot trying to please everyone and keep the peace. Dh is grumpy all the time because apparently he can’t get near the bathroom/kettle/TV/sofa etc. Got to do this until 4th Jan then back to school 🙈 And to make matters worse dc have Covid. I’m exhausted.

I hosted my dd, sil and dgc weekend before Xmas and following day. I.cookef a Xmas dinner, my dd helped me bring everything through to table and Dil carved turkey and beef for me. DH cleaned up. Xmas day adult D's came home and again helped taking roast potatoes out of oven and into serving dish, then same with Yorkshire's whilst I focused on carving the meat and DH brought through veg. He prepped all veg before cooking too. My younger son who still lives at home loaded up dishwasher for both meals. I think if guests help put they are welcome anytime. If my DC just sat anout waiting for me to do it all I would ask them for help. If guests don't offer to help then they are rude.

@ReformedWaywardTeen

Ask DH what he's cooking for his guests tomorrow?

@Shebangshebong

I hate it so don't do it. *@ReformedWaywardTeen* I would have asked her what was happening Monday? And when she told me, advised her oh dear DH didn't make me aware of that, I've made plans but hope you have a lovely time.

So much this!

You have to with elderly relatives to some extent as they've had you in the past itms

No, you really, really don't.

@ReformedWaywardTeen

I'm trying to figure out what's open Monday afternoon now! He is never happier than when in a room full of people holding court. I'm just not built that way. I'd rather a select group of friends, small group with similar interests rather than loads of randoms. I'm a homebody though and we didn't have dinner parties and stuff when I was a kid. He grew up in exactly the opposite household so it's normal for him. I don't think I'd have minded with some warning or the very least him to have asked. He's now in the kitchen "tidying"

But surely it’s your husband that should be figuring what’s open Monday and sorting out the catering for the gathering he has organised?? You didn’t invite them, it wasn’t run past you first - why should you be worrying about it.

Surely this is a case of -not my gig, not my worry.

Hate it. Love my family to visit but glad when they leave and I can relax. They are happy to help themselves but I can’t stand that either. Different people rummaging through the fridge and kitchen. Various standards of cleanliness. No thanks.

I enjoy seeing people I love and spending time with them. But no I’m not a natural host either, I find it stressful and tiring (but I suppose everyone does, even those who love it!). I always enjoy the big flop onto the sofa after you finally close the door behind them…

But equally I wouldn’t feel comfy to keep going to someone else’s home but not return the favour and have them to ours. So I get on with it!

I am enjoying relaxing on the sofa. The dog is even more relieved as he's back in his rightful place beside me.
It's frustrating as we are the natural place for people to meet, but it would be good to share the work a bit more. Believe me I'm not that backwards in coming forward, but the dynamics are awkward, so I resort to passive aggressive sniping instead at the least worst offenders.

DH does it on purpose, he never asks me he just organises and then I can't say no.

@ReformedWaywardTeen

Hang on, he doesn't ask you, goes ahead and invites people and expects you to do all the work? When do you find out about it?

No, scratch those questions. Why on earth do you go along with this?

I love hosting, well for short bursts, one night max. DH is happy to have visitors but there is no cotton picking way I would do the work if it wasn't my idea or I had not even been consulted.

Gosh, I'm so cross on your behalf.

Why do you think you have no choice?

I'm guessing from what you have written that your 'D'H thinks it's ok because you have not complained before. How about drawing a line this year. Get yourself out of the house on Monday. If you don't have transport, then I would have a fall and hurt my foot. Stay upstairs with your foot propped up and let him get on with it. He can arrange takeaway, it will all be good.

Do that consistently and he will get the message. No notice, not happening.

Did DH grow up in a traditional household with women/servants doing all the work?

I'm hosting for four days, only two guests. One is BIL, he's very laid back, here fortnightly, knows his way round, knows what to do without being asked. The other is MIL, she's only been here once before, and DH told her that she wouldn't have to lift a finger but would be waited on. You can guess who's having to do most of that ... Roll on Tuesday afternoon, they go home, it'll be just me and our son for a few hours. I cannot wait. I'm even having to sit on dining chairs because they've all commandeered the comfy chairs and I cannot be bothered with the confrontation of asking them to move

I feel your pain @JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue . If I ever left my sofa seat for any reason it would be gone by the time I came back.

Well, he's had to cancel now, DD has some weird rash on her stomach, we thought it was heat rash but I'm suspicious it's chicken pox which she has managed to swerve until now. Apparently she noticed two days ago but didn't say anything as she thought it was acne (she's 14).
I did say to him that I'm not impressed, and said before the rash became known that if he wants a houseful he can bloody cook and organise which apparently was fine by him if I want to be miserable. He can cook so he would've but oh god, Christmas is so busy with DD doing am dram at school and at a club and the planning and present buying. I want peace between Christmas day and at least a couple of days after boxing day.

Love hosting for short periods, like a meal or drinks. And I quite like the rituals of Christmas so that's OK. People kind of have to help because I'm so visibly rubbish

But staying over and/or weeks at a time... noooo. I have terrible memories of staying at relatives' houses in the past and being constantly tense, I was quite a clumsy child and I never understood the rules. Give me a Travelodge every time. And we don't have a spare room, what a shame.