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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't a good idea?

84 replies

thesailsaflow · 26/12/2021 14:05

Me and my ex have an 8 year old daughter together. We have had our moments but get along very well now, I'd say we are friends, we confide in each other and I can rely on him and he me.

We have been in talks for the past few months about getting a dog that we will share. He recently lost his dog - a Rottweiler - she was lovely and very well trained and whilst I would look after her on occasion, he bought it with his ex girlfriend so it was not a shared dog with me.

The kind of dog I would like is a cockapoo or Labrador. However, he called me this morning and said he had found an English bull terrier pup for sale and was going to get it next week. He asked if I'd be okay to help out with it - no financial responsibility but watching/training/walking it whilst he is at work (I am a student and work at night, he works during the day). I said I'd have a think.

My concern is number one, having read up on these types of dogs, they aren't for novice owners. So although my ex did own one previous dog I don't think he realised how difficult these types are to train, also I have absolutely no experience of dogs or training them. Secondly, and this may be a stereotype, but I've read these dogs can be quite aggressive. My ex claims this is all in the way they are raised. However, after speaking to a vet (my aunt) she says there is something in their brains that can make them turn without warning no matter how well trained or raised the dog is.

I know I am absolutely within my rights to say I don't feel comfortable helping out with the dog. But then the worry comes with when my daughter is at his house, what if it attacks her? She is with him 50 percent of the time and it has really worried me.

I wish he could just be into the stereotypical 'family dogs' but he's not and he is adamant he is not changing his mind and going ahead with it.

AIBU to have these reservations? Am I buying into the stereotype? Is there just as much risk with a Labrador?

If not, what do I do?

OP posts:
Doesntfeellikexmas · 26/12/2021 14:08

Its difficult because it depends on your own experience.

I wouldn't have that breed near my kids. Because I have known 2 attack family members quite badly.

But I wouldn't have a lab or cockapoo either, tbh.

You can't stop him getting it. So I suppose it depends, simply in whether you want to help him or not.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/12/2021 14:10

You are buying into stereotypes.

However, as you're also going to be looking after any pup, you have an equal amount of input into what breed - and if you are not happy with the breed, you are quite reasonable to say that you are not going to take on the majority of its training and socialisation.

mycatisannoying · 26/12/2021 14:11

YABU. Your ex husband has owned a Rottweiler, and has proven that he is capable of training a dog.
I'd say he's capable of using his own judgement in this situation. If you don't want to help out, just be honest about that.

user15364596354862 · 26/12/2021 14:19

she says there is something in their brains that can make them turn without warning no matter how well trained or raised the dog is

Isn't that the case for all dogs?

covetingthepreciousthings · 26/12/2021 14:19

However, after speaking to a vet (my aunt) she says there is something in their brains that can make them turn without warning no matter how well trained or raised the dog is

Surely the same could be said for any breed though? Which is why no dog, even labs / cockapoos should be trusted 100% with children.

You say your ex's previous Rottweiler was very well trained, so I imagine it will be a similar case with the new dog. However YANBU to say no to looking after / training a new dog of his if you don't want to.

CurtainTroubles · 26/12/2021 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster
thesailsaflow · 26/12/2021 14:20

I honestly would have no problem looking after a pup, I am desperate for one but can't commit to the financial obligation at the moment, whereas he can commit to that but he can't commit as much time due to work, whereas I can. So it works perfectly in that respect, I'm just worried that one day he/she attacks my child. And I don't know if it's an irrational worry or a valid one. If I could work that out then I would know how to proceed.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesailsaflow · 26/12/2021 14:22

@CurtainTroubles

I wouldn’t let that kind of dog near my child. I know people love to claim these breeds are unfairly stereotyped but having just come back from the park the only dogs that came hi to my daughter in a remotely aggressive way were fighting breeds.

And yes, I know other dogs can also be aggressive but there is a reason these dogs are bred to fight.

Yeah I understand. However, as a defence, he said no matter how well the dog is trained he will not be allowed off the lead. Which now leads me to think well why? If they're so safe why can't they go off the lead?
OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/12/2021 14:23

YANBU to say no to helping out with and looking after the dog and honestly I think it is absurd to consider getting any dog (including a Labrador/ poodle cross etc) to share with an ex.

Obviously in terms of him wanting to get a dog you have no say in what kind of dog he gets but I would be making it clear you aren’t in a position to help out. And truly I think that should apply regardless of what kind of dog he wants, don’t tie yourself to your ex in this unnecessary way.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/12/2021 14:25

he is adamant he is not changing his mind and going ahead with it.

I would say no on this basis. He wants you to help out with it, but won't take your views into account. He needs to have a proper conversation and be more considerate about compromising. Probably he can't which is why he's an ex, but no way do you need to suck it up just because "he is adamant". You can be adamant too, can't you?

Aprilx · 26/12/2021 14:28

Why on earth would you get a dog with an ex? A dog needs one home, one owner, one family, not being split in two. The breed is almost secondary here.

Original poster
thesailsaflow · 26/12/2021 14:28

@MolkosTeenageAngst

YANBU to say no to helping out with and looking after the dog and honestly I think it is absurd to consider getting any dog (including a Labrador/ poodle cross etc) to share with an ex.

Obviously in terms of him wanting to get a dog you have no say in what kind of dog he gets but I would be making it clear you aren’t in a position to help out. And truly I think that should apply regardless of what kind of dog he wants, don’t tie yourself to your ex in this unnecessary way.

I've not really thought about it from this POV. Can I ask why not though? We already have a daughter together, it doesn't get more tying than that. We have been split for 7 years, there is absolutely no physical/romantic attraction on either side. We have both moved on and had other partners since. He is a genuinely good person, and we care about each other. He is a great dad and although there will always be things which we disagree on, we respect each other enough to listen and compromise. He is there when I am in a jam, whether that involves our daughter or not. He is there and helps out financially (not just child maintenance).

I couldn't think of a better person to do this with to be honest.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 14:29

he called me this morning and said he had found an English bull terrier pup for sale and was going to get it next week.

That's the point at which the conversation would've ended for me.

He made that decision alone so he can deal with his dog alone.

simonisnotme · 26/12/2021 14:29

he wants a dog = he looks after, trains, picks up shit of said dog
not your circus not your (monkey) dog
dont get involved

Original poster
thesailsaflow · 26/12/2021 14:29

@Pinkdelight3

he is adamant he is not changing his mind and going ahead with it.

I would say no on this basis. He wants you to help out with it, but won't take your views into account. He needs to have a proper conversation and be more considerate about compromising. Probably he can't which is why he's an ex, but no way do you need to suck it up just because "he is adamant". You can be adamant too, can't you?

Absolutely. However, I would love a dog and can't do it on my own at the moment. I would be up for helping out with any breed but I'm worried about the aggressiveness of this particular breed.
OP posts:
Watchingpeppa12 · 26/12/2021 14:32

I think it’s fine, especially if he’s already owned a rottie. especially if he is getting this dog from a young puppy, it can grow with your daughter too. I bet you’ll love him

Watchingpeppa12 · 26/12/2021 14:32

Bull terriers are much more likely to be dog aggressive than human aggressive also.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 14:34

he called me this morning and said he had found an English bull terrier pup for sale and was going to get it next week.

he is adamant he is not changing his mind and going ahead with it

And yet you say I couldn't think of a better person to do this with to be honest Confused

How about someone mature enough to make a mutual decision?

If he's not interested in your opinion at this stage, what makes you think he will be in the future?

Don't invite this stress into your life.

Original poster
thesailsaflow · 26/12/2021 14:51

Regardless of opinions on whether I share with my ex....what about the breed? Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 14:56

@thesailsaflow

Regardless of opinions on whether I share with my ex....what about the breed? Am I being ridiculous?
If you're still happy to go ahead despite him controlling everything, you'll have to do your research just as you would with any breed.

Start with looking at sites specifically for that breed and look at the FAQs etc - some might have forums attached where owners/breeders chat.

Don't expect him to take much notice of your verdict though if it doesn't match his.

BoredAndUnfulfilled · 26/12/2021 14:59

EBTs can be amazing dogs, but they require a LOT of training and patience (just like any other large breed). They are better with more experienced owners. I personally adore them, but definitely wouldn’t recommend them to most people, you need to be able to commit to them like a full time job.

Nocutenamesleft · 26/12/2021 14:59

Cockapoos are nutters

Poodles which are highly strung. And a cocker spaniel. Bound to be a nightmare breed!

Nocutenamesleft · 26/12/2021 15:03

I’m on the fence with regards to English bull terriers.

My step sister just paid upwards of £10,000 for an American bull terrier and I would never allow them to stay on their own with it. Frightening animal In the wrong hands.

ballstoit · 26/12/2021 15:07

Any kind of dog can turn on a person and be aggressive. However,lock jaw breeds, such as bull terriers, do more damage, more quickly and it's much harder to intervene once they are attacking. I would be really worried about my child spending time with one with an inexperienced owner.

custardbear66 · 26/12/2021 15:07

In my experience with these dogs (I owned one a years ago) they are lovely natured. Mine grew up with my dc and was loving and patient. But they are strong, boisterous and notoriously stubborn to train. You will also get lots of people buying into the bull breed stereotypes.

I wouldn't be worried about this breed as part of a family but I would worry about training it and managing its strength and energy. Hence why I never got another. Loved mine to bits though, he was a nutter but absolutely gorgeous.